Here's a quick post about what happened today. I took an Ativan tonight, so I'm relaxed and ready for bed!
I went to the Atonement class we have going on in our ward this morning. Today we talked about Trials / Adversities and Hope. I felt like the elephant in the room! Annette asked each one of us to be thinking of a difficult trial we or someone else has had, and the blessings that have come from it. It got me thinking back to the first time in my life when I really felt that Heavenly Father knew who I was. 1989-90 were really hard years for me, a lot was going on, my dad became paralyzed, I was trying desperately to figure out who I was. I needed some direction and strength FAST, and I got it. I remember vividly what a struggle that was for me at 19. I also really knew for the first time in my life that Heavenly Father loved me. I've had other struggles since then that have just worked to refine me more and more, so that I can manage the stuggle I have today. Annette compared adversities to dumb bells or free weights. When you work your muscles with a 5 pound weight, the muscle gets torn down and needs a day to repair itself, but it is stronger than when you started. Gradually, you work up to heavier weights, the muscle gets torn down, repairs itself with a day of rest, and it gets stronger and stronger. That is kind-of how I've seen my life up to this point. Things have happened along the way that have made me the person I am today. I'm a little stronger, a little more in tune to the Spirit, and a little more reliant on God than I was in 1989. I've learned a lot about myself and Heavenly Father in the last two months. For that, I am grateful.
Cara came today and helped out with the kids. I am grateful for her willingness to come! It meant I could go to the class this morning and also go volunteer at the kids school. She has to drive a long way, THANKS for helping out!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Mom's cookin' again!
I turned on the stove to prepare dinner for the first time in who knows how long. And then . . . within a minute or two the smoke alarm went off. That's how you know I'm back in the kitchen. I just wanted to warm up one of those pull-out-of-the-freezer, warm-it-up-type dinners someone brought to us! There was something on the burner, I promise, the dinner turned out fine. : ) But there is a little joke in our family about mom and the smoke detector.
I've had a pretty good day today! I'm exhausted and I should have taken a nap, but Diana and Kari were here and we get carried away with conversation and laughter. We went out for lunch while my van was getting fixed and then drove around so I could accomplish a couple of things. I find myself looking at everyone around me when I'm out, for two reasons. First, one of my "fears" is that I will see someone I know, someone that I would normally stop and talk to, but they won't recognize me without my hair. And second, after you get a diagnosis like this, you hear about so many more people who have cancer too, or someone knows someone that was just diagnosed. So, I look around to see if I'm the only one without hair or if there really are tons of bald people out there. I have no problem with my baldness. If it wasn't so cold outside, I'd go out with no hat. It is amazing how your hair keeps the rest of you warm!
I'm heading to the gym tonight, it's a cardio day, and after what I ate for lunch, I need some cardio! I'll watch Biggest Loser, even though I'm two episodes behind. Mat is awesome about either coming with me and jogging with the baby in the stroller, or just letting me go on my own. I think he sees it is about my mental health right now. Too much sitting around at home makes me really depressed! That is another reason I love to have so many people coming to help us, because I get conversation and less time to sit and think and wonder and worry. So, THANKS for loving us and helping us through this!
I've had a pretty good day today! I'm exhausted and I should have taken a nap, but Diana and Kari were here and we get carried away with conversation and laughter. We went out for lunch while my van was getting fixed and then drove around so I could accomplish a couple of things. I find myself looking at everyone around me when I'm out, for two reasons. First, one of my "fears" is that I will see someone I know, someone that I would normally stop and talk to, but they won't recognize me without my hair. And second, after you get a diagnosis like this, you hear about so many more people who have cancer too, or someone knows someone that was just diagnosed. So, I look around to see if I'm the only one without hair or if there really are tons of bald people out there. I have no problem with my baldness. If it wasn't so cold outside, I'd go out with no hat. It is amazing how your hair keeps the rest of you warm!
I'm heading to the gym tonight, it's a cardio day, and after what I ate for lunch, I need some cardio! I'll watch Biggest Loser, even though I'm two episodes behind. Mat is awesome about either coming with me and jogging with the baby in the stroller, or just letting me go on my own. I think he sees it is about my mental health right now. Too much sitting around at home makes me really depressed! That is another reason I love to have so many people coming to help us, because I get conversation and less time to sit and think and wonder and worry. So, THANKS for loving us and helping us through this!
Monday, February 8, 2010
A better day . . .
Yesterday was pretty hard, but I decided not to go there and be funny instead. Fever, fatigue, nausea . . . all the normal stuff. I needed to get out last night, so I went up to Kari's and she pulled out a chocolate satin pie she had in the freezer. Then, with two forks in hand, we locked ourselves (literally) in her bedroom. Need I say more? Just for the record, we didn't eat the whole pie!
Today has been a good day, normal stuff aside (see above). Two Marilee's helped us out today. My neighbor came and got the kids this morning for a while. That meant that I could go down my list and see what I could accomplish, what phone calls to make, etc. That wore me right out and I was ready for a nap. My friend Marilee came and helped with kids and laundry for the rest of the afternoon. She was excited to tell me about going to Time Out for Women this weekend and some of the things she heard there. Wish I could have gone! Sounds like a new family tradition to me! I was able to make another phone call that has been on my list for a while, to the Cancer Wellness House. They are a non-profit that provides "play therapy" to kids and teens that have a loved one going through cancer. Isn't that cool? We're going in on Thursday for an intake. I'm so excited! I've seen some signs of stress in the big kids, but they are cool and don't want to talk about it. And then, I took a nap!! Thanks to both of you for helping out today. We are so grateful for the awesome people around us!
I went to the gym tonight and did my weights. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me! Man, I'm ready for bed. I love to go and just do my normal stuff because that is what makes all of this bearable. I just need to keep going and doing the things I always do. That way, when people look at me like I don't have any hair, I just look right back at them like they don't either. : ) LOL
Today has been a good day, normal stuff aside (see above). Two Marilee's helped us out today. My neighbor came and got the kids this morning for a while. That meant that I could go down my list and see what I could accomplish, what phone calls to make, etc. That wore me right out and I was ready for a nap. My friend Marilee came and helped with kids and laundry for the rest of the afternoon. She was excited to tell me about going to Time Out for Women this weekend and some of the things she heard there. Wish I could have gone! Sounds like a new family tradition to me! I was able to make another phone call that has been on my list for a while, to the Cancer Wellness House. They are a non-profit that provides "play therapy" to kids and teens that have a loved one going through cancer. Isn't that cool? We're going in on Thursday for an intake. I'm so excited! I've seen some signs of stress in the big kids, but they are cool and don't want to talk about it. And then, I took a nap!! Thanks to both of you for helping out today. We are so grateful for the awesome people around us!
WE GOT HEART-ATTACKED TODAY!
Someone came this afternoon and left us decorated cupcakes and taped hearts on our front door and windows. Everyone was here but Mat, Maddie was in the living room! Noone saw a thing. Brooklyn came downstairs to me, holding the plate of cupcakes behind her back, and said, "Mom, do you know who taped all the hearts to our door?" Of course, I was confused and then saw what she was hiding from me. THANKS to whoever did that for us! I love to have the kids see others in action, so they think to do for others as well.
I went to the gym tonight and did my weights. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me! Man, I'm ready for bed. I love to go and just do my normal stuff because that is what makes all of this bearable. I just need to keep going and doing the things I always do. That way, when people look at me like I don't have any hair, I just look right back at them like they don't either. : ) LOL
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Isn't it funny?
Isn't it funny how, after you've been married a long time, you begin to resemble each other?!?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Today has been a hard day. I didn't sleep well again, despite taking Ambien last night, so I've been quite uptight and stressed out. My body aches and I have a dull headache that doesn't want to go away. To top it off, I had a fever this afternoon. That, of course, is really bad because my immune system is shot right now. Mat has been on the phone with my doctor a couple of times today, asking about how much nausea medication to take so I can sleep (love Ativan!) and about the fever. She called in an antibiotic that I can start taking. Oh, the joys . . . .
Tonight was our ward temple night, but I just couldn't bring myself to go. I knew that with a session full of people that love us, I'd bawl the entire time. We went to dinner at Thyme and Seasons and got my comfort food, Chicken Curry. I have to add a fair amount of salt and his red hot pepper sauce so I can taste it, but it is so good! After that, I went to the gym with my sister Mel. She is training for the same half marathon I am. It is fun to see her get excited when she can go a little faster and a little farther! I can't run right now, I just don't have the energy. I've always sworn that I would follow through and do this half, I may have to walk the entire thing. And maybe that's an optimistic assumption, that I could even walk that far? I don't know. In the meantime, I'm going to prepare for it as if it will happen. I always feel better after I've been to the gym, it helps to make things seem as "normal" as possible. Here's to a better day tomorrow!!!
Tonight was our ward temple night, but I just couldn't bring myself to go. I knew that with a session full of people that love us, I'd bawl the entire time. We went to dinner at Thyme and Seasons and got my comfort food, Chicken Curry. I have to add a fair amount of salt and his red hot pepper sauce so I can taste it, but it is so good! After that, I went to the gym with my sister Mel. She is training for the same half marathon I am. It is fun to see her get excited when she can go a little faster and a little farther! I can't run right now, I just don't have the energy. I've always sworn that I would follow through and do this half, I may have to walk the entire thing. And maybe that's an optimistic assumption, that I could even walk that far? I don't know. In the meantime, I'm going to prepare for it as if it will happen. I always feel better after I've been to the gym, it helps to make things seem as "normal" as possible. Here's to a better day tomorrow!!!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Miracles
I woke up really early this morning, unable to sleep. I picked up a book that was recommended by my cousin, Emily, that was written by her sister-in-law. It is called Hard Times and Holy Places by Kristin Warner Belcher. I was able to find it at our library, and it has really helped me to solidify and clarify and understand why and how we go through things that are hard. The book is amazing, but one quote stuck out to me in the pre-dawn hours this morning:
I made a really hard phone call today. I called my friend, Gail (who is technically my "boss") at TriCity Nursery, to tell her that I need to give up my business this year. I'm a landscape designer and TriCity has been really good to me the last couple of years, allowing me to be their "designer" and funneling a lot of business to me. When this diagnosis came, I knew in my heart that I needed to shift my focus to recovering, my family, and my home. But as a business person, that was a hard conclusion to come to! But I know that my energy needs to be focused on other things right now. She assured me that when the time is right, I can come back and be the designer again. : ) Thanks to everyone at TriCity for their love and support!
I got a visit tonight from one of my favorite missionary companions, Wanda. She lives in Tridell (outside of Vernal) so I don't get to see her very often. She is one of those friends that you can go forever without seeing, and then when you eventually catch up with each other, it's like you never lost touch! We went out for something to eat and talked for a really long time. The poor employees at Paradise Bakery were sweeping the crumbs under our feet and locking the doors long before we left! She brought me a bag filled with cereal and snacks, head scarves and hats, warm fuzzy socks and other fun stuff. She just has this way of bringing everything into perspective and making everything seem doable. I love you, Wanda! Thanks for taking time out of your weekend to come see me!
- "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." ("Trust in the Lord", Ensign, November 1995, pg. 16)
I made a really hard phone call today. I called my friend, Gail (who is technically my "boss") at TriCity Nursery, to tell her that I need to give up my business this year. I'm a landscape designer and TriCity has been really good to me the last couple of years, allowing me to be their "designer" and funneling a lot of business to me. When this diagnosis came, I knew in my heart that I needed to shift my focus to recovering, my family, and my home. But as a business person, that was a hard conclusion to come to! But I know that my energy needs to be focused on other things right now. She assured me that when the time is right, I can come back and be the designer again. : ) Thanks to everyone at TriCity for their love and support!
I got a visit tonight from one of my favorite missionary companions, Wanda. She lives in Tridell (outside of Vernal) so I don't get to see her very often. She is one of those friends that you can go forever without seeing, and then when you eventually catch up with each other, it's like you never lost touch! We went out for something to eat and talked for a really long time. The poor employees at Paradise Bakery were sweeping the crumbs under our feet and locking the doors long before we left! She brought me a bag filled with cereal and snacks, head scarves and hats, warm fuzzy socks and other fun stuff. She just has this way of bringing everything into perspective and making everything seem doable. I love you, Wanda! Thanks for taking time out of your weekend to come see me!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Taste buds on the way out!
This morning as I was eating my cereal, I could tell that it tasted different. I've eaten cereal everyday for breakfast since the beginning of time! Today, it tasted funny. I need to eat about every 3 hours to keep the nausea under control, and I need to drink tons of water, but today it is tasteless and flat. I felt really down when I was eating dinner and everything was "off". I guess there's no point in eating the yummy stuff that's bad for me when I can't taste it anyway. It is really depressing.
Thanks to Esther who took the kids for a while this morning. I am so grateful for her help and the kids love to go there, they do very well there. It gave me a chance to go through piles of stuff and get organized. I was feeling pretty down this morning and had a hard time getting started, but I managed to get through it all. Thanks Esther! My friend Tricia came this afternoon and spent the rest of the day here. That meant I could go run all my errands, including sending off three large envelopes for Locks of Love at the post office! I stopped at Dick's to pick up some Crystal Light, among other things, to see if flavoring the water will make it taste better to me. I unknowingly picked the right line to go through. The lady was very nice, but hesitant for a moment, then she asked me how I was doing. I told her I just had my first treatment and was doing OK, under the circumstances. : ) She told me she's done it twice, and then I saw the pink ribbon pinned to her uniform. After I paid, she came and gave me a big hug and I started to cry. It is amazing how supportive and caring people are, even perfect strangers.
Mat and I are headed to the gym tonight. I'm not sure I'm up to my routine, but it will be nice to get out and feel as normal as possible.
Thanks to Esther who took the kids for a while this morning. I am so grateful for her help and the kids love to go there, they do very well there. It gave me a chance to go through piles of stuff and get organized. I was feeling pretty down this morning and had a hard time getting started, but I managed to get through it all. Thanks Esther! My friend Tricia came this afternoon and spent the rest of the day here. That meant I could go run all my errands, including sending off three large envelopes for Locks of Love at the post office! I stopped at Dick's to pick up some Crystal Light, among other things, to see if flavoring the water will make it taste better to me. I unknowingly picked the right line to go through. The lady was very nice, but hesitant for a moment, then she asked me how I was doing. I told her I just had my first treatment and was doing OK, under the circumstances. : ) She told me she's done it twice, and then I saw the pink ribbon pinned to her uniform. After I paid, she came and gave me a big hug and I started to cry. It is amazing how supportive and caring people are, even perfect strangers.
Mat and I are headed to the gym tonight. I'm not sure I'm up to my routine, but it will be nice to get out and feel as normal as possible.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Day 3
I've felt about the same today as yesterday, "doable" nausea, fatigue, and bone aches. As long as I eat every 3 hours, the nausea is managable. The problem I have is what to eat every three hours because nothing sounds good. I'm done with crackers, cheese sticks and toast. If anyone has any good ideas for something I can get that is fast, portable and not too sweet, I'd love some ideas! I went to the gym tonight and pushed too hard, so I feel really awful right now. I tried to run yesterday and today, but when I get my heart rate up, it feels like my heart will beat right out of my chest. It is so discouraging because that kind of intensity is what really keeps me sane. I like pushing myself, but if I have a heart attack, it's probably not worth it. : ) One of the side effects of the Adriamycin is heart problems, so I guess I'll back off. ARGH!!!
I had some great helpers today. Natasha brought her daughter and she played with the Brooklyn so cute! Natasha did the laundry, among other things, which I am so grateful for! I was able to go to the Atonement class we have in our ward on Wednesdays, it is always excellent and I am grateful when I can make it (thanks Annette!). I got a visit this afternoon from my friend Renee. We met a couple of weeks ago at a dinner for the Young Survivor Sisters, a support group for breast cancer survivors diagnosed under the age of 45. She has the same beautiful hair color as me, and she gave me her custom-made wig which is layered and looks an awful lot like my hair did a few days ago. THANKS Renee! Amy came this afternoon and stayed so I could go to school and do RadKIDS with the 3rd graders and drive the kids home after school. I was so exhausted after I came home, I took a two hour nap. Thanks Amy for being willing to come and help out! Also, thanks to our friend Cari brought over an awesome dinner tonight. We've had so much food brought in since this adventure began, I am so grateful to all of you! I'm not even sure I know who all of you are, but we count you among our blessings! And one more person to thank today, Laurie. She is the daughter of a great couple in our ward, and she happens to be trained in medical assisting. She is coming everyday at 11:30 to give me my Neupogen shots (gives my bone marrow a boost, helps the blood counts recover quickly). I am grateful that I don't have to do that myself! I've seen enough needles and felt enough pokes the last two months that I have no desire to inflict that pain on myself! So, we are very grateful today to have so much love and support coming our way! I see the tender mercies everyday and we are changed forever by them. We love you!
I had some great helpers today. Natasha brought her daughter and she played with the Brooklyn so cute! Natasha did the laundry, among other things, which I am so grateful for! I was able to go to the Atonement class we have in our ward on Wednesdays, it is always excellent and I am grateful when I can make it (thanks Annette!). I got a visit this afternoon from my friend Renee. We met a couple of weeks ago at a dinner for the Young Survivor Sisters, a support group for breast cancer survivors diagnosed under the age of 45. She has the same beautiful hair color as me, and she gave me her custom-made wig which is layered and looks an awful lot like my hair did a few days ago. THANKS Renee! Amy came this afternoon and stayed so I could go to school and do RadKIDS with the 3rd graders and drive the kids home after school. I was so exhausted after I came home, I took a two hour nap. Thanks Amy for being willing to come and help out! Also, thanks to our friend Cari brought over an awesome dinner tonight. We've had so much food brought in since this adventure began, I am so grateful to all of you! I'm not even sure I know who all of you are, but we count you among our blessings! And one more person to thank today, Laurie. She is the daughter of a great couple in our ward, and she happens to be trained in medical assisting. She is coming everyday at 11:30 to give me my Neupogen shots (gives my bone marrow a boost, helps the blood counts recover quickly). I am grateful that I don't have to do that myself! I've seen enough needles and felt enough pokes the last two months that I have no desire to inflict that pain on myself! So, we are very grateful today to have so much love and support coming our way! I see the tender mercies everyday and we are changed forever by them. We love you!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Better Day . . .
First of all, thanks to Esther for finishing the blog last night. I was so tired and literally was sitting in the chair next to her going to sleep. : ) It was the dang nausea medicine that did it to me, I'm not usually a zombie by 10:30 at night. I've felt better today than I did yesterday. I called the nurse this morning to tell her what happened yesterday. She told me that the younger you are, the more nausea receptors you have. So she called in a steroid that has made today bearable. I had some great helpers today, I am so grateful to everyone that is willing to come and spend some time with me and the kids! Marilee came and spent the morning here playing with the kids, chasing the baby and cleaning up the kitchen. You're awesome!! THANKS! Heather picked me up to take me to get a prescription that I had to take at 10:00 this morning. I can't drive this week, the nausea med's cause drowsiness and I don't dare get behind the wheel. After I took my pills, I laid down on the couch to watch the kids play and the next thing I know, I've gone to sleep. Marilee got a blanket to lay over the top of me and took the kids in their room to play with toys. I think I've got the greatest neighbors on the planet!
Diana came around lunchtime and spent the rest of the day with us. She's a dear friend that I've known forever. We just laugh and joke and have a great time! It is always fun to have her here. Diana, sorry Brooklyn pestered you so much today. Will you come back again sometime? : ) I laid down again just as she was leaving, with the same result as above.
The Laurels in our ward came to do a service project here tonight. They all came to tend, prepare dinner for the kids, play games, read books, etc. The idea was that we would go to the temple, but I thought it might be better for me if I'm off these med's that make me sleep before we attempt that. So, we went out to eat, did a little shopping and then went to the gym to work out. I don't know why I like to torture myself like that, but I do. I always feel better after I go, tonight was no exception!
Diana came around lunchtime and spent the rest of the day with us. She's a dear friend that I've known forever. We just laugh and joke and have a great time! It is always fun to have her here. Diana, sorry Brooklyn pestered you so much today. Will you come back again sometime? : ) I laid down again just as she was leaving, with the same result as above.
The Laurels in our ward came to do a service project here tonight. They all came to tend, prepare dinner for the kids, play games, read books, etc. The idea was that we would go to the temple, but I thought it might be better for me if I'm off these med's that make me sleep before we attempt that. So, we went out to eat, did a little shopping and then went to the gym to work out. I don't know why I like to torture myself like that, but I do. I always feel better after I go, tonight was no exception!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Treatment begins . . .
Mat took the day off to be with me during the treatment, and then Mary and Kaylee came to bring my camera because I was a dingbat and forgot to bring it with me. Thanks guys! This is an historical moment and it needed to be documented. Had my first treatment today. I figured it would knock me down and make me be humble. I was right. I wasn't supposed to feel yucky for a day or two, but I feel like crap ('scuse the french). I am totally exhaused, nauseasted and my bones are aching. It's the chemo infiltrating every part of my body. This will be way funner than I thought (sarcasm). Please keep praying for me and my family!!!
My friend Esther came to help with the hair party, so she'll explain what happened:
You're probably wondering why Kim has asked me to explain what happened and the answer is she is completely exhausted in every way and even now seems to be falling asleep. But she MUST update the blog, right? So here it goes....We started by putting her hair into pony tails all over her head so that the hair to be donated to locks of love would be long enough. The kids took turns cutting a pony tail each and then everyone else got a turn. Isaac was having a blast! Kim was such a trooper and only shed a couple of tears. After the pony tails were off it was Amanda's turn to get the buzzers out. Kim's head is BEAUTIFUL! But were we done? Oh no, then the electric shaver came out to put the finishing touches on and smooth everything out. Her friend Sarah came and donated 12 inches of hair to Locks of Love and got a new hair cut. After that we made Kim try on all of her hats (she has some very cute ones). She even considered going to the gym (only Kim would even attempt to think of that) but after the festivities she barely had the energy to make it down the stairs and type the first paragraph that you see above.
Benefits of Having No Hair
- no bed head
- no loose strands
- all the money I'll save on haircuts
- no dandruff
- no more shampoo and conditioner
- saving so much time in the shower!
- no more bad hair days (can't have a bad hair day if you don't have any hair!)
- The hairs that turn up in dinner, they don't belong to me!
- no more tangles or snarls
- it's not my hair clogging the shower drain
- when I find hairballs I know they're not mine
- it is liberating!
- McKinley doesn't have anything to pull
Well, Kim is O-ficially snoozing so I'm going to go tuck her in!
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