Venting . . .

It's been a rough day.  It was my "big" treatment, and it went just fine.  No issues, I feel great.  My BFF from high school (Sarah) came with me, and we had fun coloring and watching a movie with shared headphones.  I've been thinking about getting a splitter so I can plug in two sets of headphones to my laptop, but I never got around to it since she came with me three weeks ago.  We watched Shadowlands, which is such a tender, true story about C.S. Lewis who falls in love and marries an American woman later in his life.  And then she up and gets terminal cancer and dies.  "The happiness now is part of the pain then."  "The pain now is part of the happiness then."  It's really good, watch it!!!

I had a couple questions for my oncologist when I saw her this morning.  I can't remember one because the other one consumed my thoughts the rest of the day and made me so sad.  I asked her what I could expect in the course of the treatment cycles that will come.  She told me that we'll do the CT scan (December 6th) and then assess what to do.  It's looking like cutting back on chemo, because  the lumps in my neck seem to be totally gone.  The tumors in my liver are probably smaller too.

And then there's this cycle, where the cancer grows again, and then chemo gets more intense again, and then we do a scan again, blah, blah, blah.  But over time, the chemo won't be as effective, and that's when it starts to grow out of control.  I'm paraphrasing!  So, let's say she told me in the first appointment that I had 23 years.  Today she said 22 to 23 years.  She jipped me a year, and it hit me between the eyes.  Why is it, that in the 21st century, chemo can't just KILL ALL CANCER CELLS?!?  That's my question for when I see her in 3 weeks.  I just don't understand.  I'm not just relying on chemo to kill my cancer cells.  I take Copaiba and Frankincense, and have a host of supplements that I feel are helping me too.  AND I signed up for a clinical study today, so I have a 50% chance of getting an additional drug to help me fight my fight.

On the brighter side, I did two Christmas tree decorating classes this week.  The generosity of people, even strangers, never ceases to amaze me!

I went to Time Out For Women tonight, a gift from my friend Karin.  It was so amazing and inspiring.  Sometimes I have a little attitude about feeling like it's just a marketing event Deseret Book (which it is).  But the speakers and music tonight were AMAZING.  Tim Ballard, Nathan Pacheco and Sheri Dew.  Not sure who's on the docket for tomorrow, but I'm excited for it!  And, Geri T. was sitting two rows behind me, and she was with one of the cancer friends I met years ago.  Small world!

One More Thing!

I have some openings for more Christmas tree decorating classes! We can schedule these at your house with as many people as you want, or at my house--5 per class--because I'm so limited on space, but either one works for me!

November 16th during the day
November 21st during the day
November 22nd day or evening
November 28th to the 30th, day or evening

I'll be putting up my own tree the evening of the 24th, so if you want to come watch that unfold, let me know! I'm happy to make that a class as well.

Let's do this!

3 more to the next scan

I've had a good weekend for the most part.  I didn't start getting nauseated until the middle of church, so I took a pill--I always have my drugs with me!  In RS, I sat next to a dear friend who I look up to a lot.  Sometimes it's a struggle for people to know what to say to me, but she said it more perfectly than I could have.  (I'm paraphrasing because ... chemo brain!)  "Why can't stuff like this happen to people like me??  I've lived a full life and this would be OK for me, but it's not OK for you!"  Amen to that.  I look at older couples in our neighborhood and envy them.  That's how I always pictured me and Mat.  All I ever considered was that we would be just like them.  I want to be around forever, and not miss a single family event, EVER!  So, my new reality really sucks.  And I've got to come to terms with it.  I will, in time.

Tonight Mat posted this on FB:

Someone told me last week that they would rather be the sick one instead of the caretaker. I've been thinking about that a lot this week, as I monitor my stress levels and attitude at home and at work. I have to admit there has be a Lot of tv/iphone escapism lately...

But I do get some real joy at seeing her get through the weekend with flying colors after a treatment, and seeing her take on a new project like her christmas tree class, and going out with her to buy a tent camper!!!  Can't wait for the summer vacation plans.

We did do a crazy thing and buy a tent trailer yesterday.  We had some of the money saved in our "vacation savings account", money saved on top of our "medical savings account."  Mat said I got through the weekend with flying colors, but I was feeling a tad bit sorry for myself and suggested we go to the trailer place.  One of my most prized possessions right now is having some time to make memories with my family.  July 2018 will be spent on the road, driving as far east as Boston, by way of Mount Rushmore, along the great lakes, Niagara Falls, Hill Cumorah pageant, Boston, Rhoade Island (McKinley said we had to go there because of that one Studio C skit) NYC, Phillie, Washington DC, and then pick a route back to the west, camping in KOA's all along the way.  I went to one and picked up the national directory of campgrounds, so we're in good shape!


We've talked about this trip for years, we always said we'd do it before Maddie graduated.  She'll be 20 this month, so it's high time we get it taken care of . . . especially NOW.  Right before my re-diagnosis, we went to Barnes and Noble and bought a giant map of the U.S., and we've been putting pins in places we want to go for sure.  It's so good for all of us to have something "big" to look forward to!  

Germ Warfare

I'm super paranoid about germs right now.  My immune system is shot, it wouldn't take much to throw me into a tail spin.  I ran a bunch of errands today, and everywhere I went, I looked for hand sanitizer.  I went into Walmart and only touched the two things I was buying and the "enter" button on the card machine.  I'm very careful about what I touch no matter where I am, I wash my hands so much they flake from being so dry, and I make a conscious effort to NOT touch my face.

I also visited my friend, Michelle.  She's in a rehab facility right now with a C. Diff infection.  Anyone who knows C. Diff knows it's a highly contagious, intestinal (?) infection that can go on for weeks.  In her case, it has gone on for weeks.  The symptom is wicked diarrhea.  It also means isolation, she's not allowed to leave her room or have contact with other residents / patients.  It means the staff put on a "hazmat" suit every time they come into her room.  It's caused by the overuse of antibiotics-kills all the good flora that keep things in balance.  Her doctors often don't know what to do to help her, so they give her a pill.  I only got as close as touching her foot when I left, which was under a blanket.  For now, that will have to be enough.

I took Isaac to see Annie (social worker @ Huntsman) yesterday.  I'd say he's a hard nut to crack, but I knew that already.  He's not one to open up and talk about much of anything, even when there isn't a life threatening illness hanging over our heads!  One breakthrough we had was when she asked me what Isaac could do to help out.  I thought about it, then asked if he could help make sure the kitchen was clean every night.  Dishes loaded, counters and table washed, etc.  Last night, I asked him to come help me with the kitchen, which he did willingly.  We worked together to get it done.

Mat is usually "the guy" when it comes to cleaning the kitchen in the evening.  But he's burning the candle at both ends, and not very effectively.  He's up by 6 a.m. and out the door.  It's usually 5:30 or 6:00 before he's rolling in again.  To make matters worse, it's musical season.  Instead of doing the prep he needs to after school, he's in rehearsal.  And it's Christmas season as soon as the musical is over.  We'll be counting the days until Christmas break!  I'm trying not to be a wimp, and cut him some slack, take care of some of that stuff myself.

Food is my nemesis. My taste is distorted, I have a "metallic" taste in my mouth, so nothing tastes good.  Even things I love, like Indian food, don't taste right.  It makes eating healthy, like I know I should be eating, nearly impossible.  You know the juicer we bought?  I can't even gag it down (although there was that time when Mat said if I drank my two inches of juice before he did, then I'd get the $150 Amazon gift card he got for some survey he did.  That time I gagged it down, and held him to his promise!).  Mat and Brooklyn like it, I can't stand it.  I can't find a salad dressing that makes salad palatable.  So I struggle, I have a hate:hate relationship with meal time, and eat more junk than I should (because I can taste it).  I'll do better, but right now I just need to eat and keep my strength up.

I went this afternoon for my "monthly-because-it's-all-I-can-afford" massage with Diane.  She has magical hands and does me so much good!  I had her put me on her schedule through the end of 2018, first week of each month.  I'm grateful her life's path took her to massage school, and made her one of the best out there.

Infusion #5

I'm sitting here with my neighbor Sandy, waiting for the chemo to come from the pharmacy.  We do a lot of waiting around here!  This is a "small" treatment,  I expect everything to go perfectly.  And the good news is, with this treatment, I'm more than half way done!  I can't wait to get to #9 and schedule the next scan.  I want to see my bad boys eliminated!

This is my fourth time at Huntsman this week.  I brought both girls up to meet with Annie, the social worker, and I met with her once as well.  Last weeks treatment kicked my butt, I had a rough few days early this week.  I'm grateful for the resources I have available to me up there, it's an amazing place!

I've had visits with some great friends this week!  This is Rebecca.  I met her at a Women's Retreat up in Idaho three years ago, we clicked immediately!  It's always been so easy to talk to her, like we've known each other forever.  She came to visit on Wednesday and brought bagels with cream cheese for breakfast.  It was great to have some time and catch up with what they are up to!  She's an amazing lady, and I'm grateful to call her my friend.  She has hard things going on in her life too.  I'm glad we can support each other in our trials. McKinley had the day off from school, so she was our photographer.






A couple of  times when I've gone to see Annie at Huntsman, she's given me a gift card to Smiths.  Gift cards are donated to the hospital by individuals and companies.  I go to Smiths a lot, but not really recently.  We've had so. much. food. brought in, that I haven't really needed to go to the store for much!  So I was brainstorming, thinking of how I could use the gift cards, and it came to me.  CEREAL!  All we eat in the morning is cereal, and I usually buy it at Costco because we go through so much of it.  But my people are getting tired of Costco cereal.  So I thought I'd surprise Brooklyn, after she saw Annie yesterday.  I told her about the cards, and that we were going to go spend them on cereal.  She lit up, and giggled the whole time we filled the cart with cereal we never buy!  She'd say, can we get this?  Can we get this one?  We did buy a couple things that I would consider "sugar bombs", but most of it is OK.  She was so pleased, it totally made my day!


Yesterday I got to see two more great friends.  Wanda was here from Tridell.  We went to lunch at Zupas before she had to head back home.  I always love to talk to her!  She was  a great mission companion, she lifted me then, and she lifts me still.  She also has hard things happening in her life.  Really hard things!  Wanda, I'm praying for you!

Last night we went to an event put on by Huntsman, "Take a Night Off Cancer" at the Grand America.  We went with my friend, Sharla and her husband, Kevin.  I worked with her at Temple Square last winter.  It was so fun to talk to her about some of the hilarious things that happened, and remember those fun times.   I loved working with her and Gidget, we laughed so often and so much, it hurt!  We ate dinner at Royal India and then headed to the event.  It was a great event with healthy desserts, dancing, photo booths, etc. etc.  I ran into a few of my other cancer friends there too.  Over the years, I have met this network of people who are or have all dealt with cancer.  When you're going through it, it seems that EVERYONE is affected by it in one way or another.  I'm pretty cynical about pink ribbons and fund raising campaigns that tout finding a cure.  Despite millions, probably billions of dollars spent on cancer research every year, I doubtful there will ever be a "cure", only better ways to treat it.

I've been thinking this week about the opportunities I've had to see so many friends the last few weeks and be blessed in so many ways.  Sometimes it takes a crisis like mine to remember / realize that the most important thing is the people you have in your life.  It's that connection with people and the good you can do in the world that are the most important things in life.  We don't have a lot of material wealth, but we have been richly blessed by the people in our lives and the circumstances of our lives.  I wouldn't trade that for anything!

Super Dog!

I went to an appointment today with Annie up at Huntsman.  She's the world's most compassionate and insightful social worker, she's really helped me in our short time together!  As I was leaving, feeling better than when I came, I sat down on the chair in the lobby to dig through my belongings to find the darn valet ticket that I can't keep track of (I eventually found it).  Up walks one of my good friends, Cindy, who was going through #stupidcancer when I was before!  She and Axel volunteer with Intermountain Therapy Animals, a non-profit I worked for years ago, in the late 90's.  I was their first Volunteer Coordinator!  Anyway, our paths haven't crossed for a long time, so it was great to see her, and Axel!  And, as it is Halloween today, they were both dressed up.

Axel is a remarkable dog.  I've seen him at home when he wasn't working.  He's not the type of dog to just sit and be calm.  I was amazed at him.  What a blessing he is to patients up there. They go every Tuesday for a few hours, and wander the infusion room, and hospital rooms looking for people that are in need of some doggie loving.  He even has his own business card and FB page.  So cool!

This is what prompted the ER visit

Saturday night I started to feel a pain in my neck on the right side, the pain radiated up behind my ear, giving me a healthy headache.  It also radiated down into my shoulder and down my right arm.  I chalked it up to aches and pains.  I'd just had treatment the day before, it's not unusual to feel funky for a couple days.

Mat!  Watching the World Series while we wait.

When I was still feeling it throb last night, and I was SO anxious about sleeping because I had been up almost all night Saturday/Sunday morning, NOT sleeping, we decided it was better to go to the ER to have them make sure it wasn't a blood clot or something else dreadful.  They did blood work, chest x-rays, etc.  They ER doctors and nurses were kind and understanding and patient with my concerns.  I absolutely did the right thing by coming in.

It turns out it's just a muscle/skeletal something and no big deal.  I knew that if we didn't get it checked out, my anxiety and worry would send me over the top.  We got back home at 3 am, and poor Mat had to get up and go to work this morning.  I asked him if he couldn't just take today off.  He needs down time as much as I do!  But he said there was too much to do.  Contract time is 7 am, but luckily his prep period is 1st period both days, so if he comes in a little later, it's not a crisis.  He's told his principal and all the teachers in his department about all of this too, so they're willing to help if needed.

I'm grateful for all your calls, texts, concern and love!  I'm sorry I'm slow giving the update today.  I didn't get out of bed until 11:30.  At noon, my friend, Bonnie, came to do an aroma touch massage.  I'm just in the process now of catching everyone up!

Stupid Cancer.

It's been a rough weekend.  The last two nights in a row I haven't been able to sleep, like it's after 3 a.m. and I'm still not sleeping.  Yesterday I was OK, because I can function on one sleepless night.  Today?  Not so much.  I don't know how to get that turned around.  Last night, I took every drug and supplement I have at my disposal, starting at midnight.  Still, no sleep.  The longer I don't sleep, the more anxious I get about not sleeping, and then sleep is impossible.  #cancersucks!

Since I didn't wake up until after 12:00 today (and that was only because Mat woke me up!), I didn't make it to church today.  I was hysterical about the whole not-sleeping thing and just couldn't pull myself together.  I did get to see my beautiful cousin Jennifer though!  We're actually second cousins.  Her Mom is my cousin, but we were born three months apart.  So we're cousins. :)  Her grandma is my dad's sister.  We had a blast talking about "scandalous" family secrets.  We have a very colorful background!  It was fun to talk to her about what she remembered and what I remembered about our mutual, long gone, family members.  I was SO grateful to have some distraction today.  We stopped by Jon and Jeanette's, my little bro and his wife.  Jen calls him "Johnny." That's what her family always called him when we were small people.

Now I'm home, and it's dark outside.  I have to face going to bed and trying to sleep.  I've already taken all my nausea meds that make me sleepy.  I'm tired.  Exhausted.  But will it be enough to actually fall asleep?!  Friends, please pray for me tonight.  I desperately need a good nights sleep.

My bad boys

The last few days I've felt pretty good and have been able to get some projects done that have been making me crazy!  Kevin came and helped me sort through and cut down a bunch of fence wood in the garage, it's for that accent wall I've been dreaming of!  Now we can actually park a car in the garage!
I also finished this sign.
I saw this on Pinterest years ago and decided to make one.  I just need the right circumstances to be able to find and build the sign from old barn wood, and have Sharla, my crafty and creative friend make me a template.  I'm so happy with how it turned out!  In the years since I saw it, they started being mass produced, but I wanted the satisfaction of doing it myself, like I'd always planned.

My Bad Boys:  I asked my oncologist if I could see the images from the CT scan, which, of course, was fine!  The first picture is a cross-section of my liver on the left, the darker spot in the middle is the tumor.

This is one of the tumors in my liver, the "before"

This image is a straight on look at the back of my head, see my skull up on top? brain stem, down into shoulder bones.  That tumor is--WAS!-- 14.1 mm by 20 mm.

Treatment #4 went down without a hitch today.  I got home 8 hours after I left the house.  So much sitting and waiting!


Sarah and Marie were there with me today!  Sarah is a friend from high school, we moved up the street from her when I was 15.  She's the only friend from high school that I still keep in touch with.  She's fun, and she loves gardening and comes to the nursery with me, even if there isn't another 6 square inches to put a plant in her yard!  I helped her design her flower beds, and frankly, they look amazing!

Marie is one of my cancer buddies.  We were diagnosed around the same time in 2009/2010, and found each other because we had a mutual interest in radically changing our diets because of and after the diagnosis.  We've eaten many an Indian lunch buffet together! I'm glad she only lives a few minutes drive from me, so it's "relatively" easy to see each other.  And best of all, I asked her if she would bring me a mint brownie from the Church Office Bldg cafeteria next time they have them.  Because as much as my diet has improved the last month, I still need a little something now and again, in small amounts.  Just saying!!!

  AND ONE LAST THING

• I got the idea to do this because, it's the right season!
• I found that I really enjoyed decorating trees last Christmas while working on Temple Square!
• There are specific, valuable techniques and procedures I learned that I would love to pass on to you!
• Last Christmas, over 50 Christmas trees were put up and decorated by us in various locations around the Square, its auxiliary buildings, and as far south as Riverton Office building and Provo, so lots of experience!
• Classes can be hosted in my home, or in your home with a group of your friends (using your existing tree and ornaments, or new ones if you want to get some!)
• and last but not least, I have stage 4 cancer and mounting medical bills.  The class is FREE, but a $20 per person donation is encouraged.  Every penny raised from these classes will go pay Kim's cancer-related medical expenses. 

Please Bother Me!

People often say to me, "I'm afraid to call you (or come by), I don't want to wake you up if you're sleeping", or something similar to that.  Friends, bother me all you want.  When I do take a nap, I silence my phone.

I'm not working right now.  Making time commitments to an employer didn't seem possible when I didn't know how the chemo and it's side effects would affect me.  I don't see this changing until at least January, after I get through my 9 treatments and have my next scan.

Some days I'm home all day, sometimes I have errands to run.  Very rarely do I have something on my schedule that isn't flexible.  So, please bother me.

The people in my world are so amazing, and would do just about anything to help us.  People often ask if there's anything we need, and I often can't think of what to tell you!  I mean, the floors always need vacuuming and the kitchen counters can always be wiped down.  Laundry is never-ending, but the kids do their own, so there's not a lot.

There are a couple other things I did think of:

-  I would like to try to get to the temple every week during the day.  I can do this alone, but it would be better to have someone to go with!  If you're a regular, I'd love to tag along.

-  iTunes cards in small amounts would be awesome!  I'm kind of tired of the music I have, and would love to download more uplifting, soul calming music.  Gentri, Hilary Weeks, David Tolk, John Schmidt, Steven Sharp Nelson, The (Canadian) Tenors, etc. etc.  I want to compile a playlist of relaxing, put me to sleep music.  I spend many nights laying awake, mind racing, not sleeping.

We're so grateful for the love, tender mercies, and kindness that has been shown to us the last few weeks!  Many, many small gestures by so many people have made a huge difference in our lives.  Thank you!