Such a slacker.

Not today, but recent!

I'm sorry because I know people want updates.  Today is McKinley's 9th birthday.  My laptop is currently unwilling to update my latest pictures for whatever reason.  Otherwise, I would post a few pictures here!  This morning she ate the traditional birthday breakfast  - Sugar Bombs - or cereal whose first ingredient is sugar.  She chose Froot Loops. Tonight, she chose Costa Vida for dinner.  Then we went to see Incredibles 2, which I thought was just as good as the first, and even had a reference to Sugar Bombs cereal!  McKinley is such a great girl.  She transitioned pretty quickly from a girly girl to a soccer playing tom boy this last year.  She loves to run, play with friends, chase chickens, watch Studio C, and snuggle with Mom.

I've been really busy with my landscaping, which keeps me distracted from the incessant itching.  It's been a good month, as far as that goes.  I've had a steady stream of consultations and designs.  I'm placing plants at two homes tomorrow. They plant them, or at least I don't plant them, although I can plant them-I have planted many a plant in someone else's yard over the years!  I'm finishing a design Wednesday morning and have a consultation Wednesday night and then I'm done with everything until August.  I can start to think about the trip we leave for on Monday!

My next chemo is Friday, my next scan is the first week in August.  I can't believe it's already time for that!  I'm grateful I won't have much time to worry about it.  Trekking across the country will be a great distraction.

Guys!  I still need to put a team together for the F2TF (Fight 2 the Finish) 5K.  I mentioned it a few weeks ago.  See my blog post titled "F2TF".  Please let me know if you're available July 28th and can come to the race!  You don't have to run . . . or even walk!  Just come hang out with us.  😊

Chocolate Dome-A Classic Chemo Brain Story

I think I'll start with today and work backwards.  I'm kind of far behind!

I had my support group up at Huntsman today.  It is always so great to see friends each month to cheer each other on, support and help other process through things.  Today was great and real at the same time.  Several women are dealing with progressed disease, chronic pain or just the emotions of dealing with it in the first place.  While we had a great discussion, I left feeling a little heart-broken for my friends who are suffering more than I am.

There is a caregiver support group every Wednesday at the same time as ours.  Mat went for the first time today because it was the first opportunity to go since I was diagnosed in September!  I think it was good for him, although he probably thinks he's "OK" and "he doesn't need to process".  He's a dude!  Doesn't think he needs to process things!  He came home with a list of 12 things to make sure he's doing everyday, which I thought was great.

I had a consultation scheduled for this afternoon, I was a little stressed about it.  This couple is from Greece and speak with a thick accent.  He's a heart surgeon, she's an architect.  After Ken (retail manager at J and J) introduced me to them, he said "Do whatever you have to do to take care of them.  They are friends of Jerry's".  Jerry is the guy that owns J and J.  NO PRESSURE!

I got another referral today from Ken.  The last name is Skaggs.  Remember Skaggs Alphabeta?  Yes, it's that guy.  NO PRESSURE!

When I got home from group, Mat was already there.  I told him he should come to Kneaders with me to get a cookie or something so I could gear up for my appointment.  He declined because he had a cookie at Huntsman, and didn't want another one.  I said, "Fine!  I'll go by myself!" in a sarcastic manner.

See what I mean??!  Best. Treat. Ever!

When I got to Kneaders, I ordered a Chocolate Dome to go.  By the time I got there, I decided to go for the big guns.  Because, NO PRESSURE!  I knew it would be consumed before I left the parking lot, but I wasn't in the mood to sit in the dining room.  So they brought me the bag and I went to the car.  I threw my keys on the seat, opened the bag and saw there was no fork or napkin.  No fork or napkin??  How was I supposed to eat a "to-go" Chocolate Dome without a fork or napkin??  So I carried the to-go container in my left hand and walked in to get a fork and napkin, leaving my purse, phone, and keys on the seat.

As I approached my car again, I had a little panic attack because I realized I'd locked the keys in the car.  I saw a nice young women at the table outside and asked if I could use her cell phone to call my husband to come rescue me (all the while, holding my to-go container in the open palm of my left hand.  While balancing her phone and dialing with my right hand.)  I called Mat a couple of times.  No answer.  I called the home phone.  No answer.  I knew he was laying on the couch, that's where I'd just left him!  I called my neighbor Mary.  No answer.  I called Mat again.  He finally answered and I told him the predicament I was in.  So he left to come rescue me.  I thanked the nice girl for letting me use her phone and walked back toward the car.  I opened the container and began to eat the chocolate dome while I waited for Mat.  Because now I had a fork! And a napkin!

I literally ate almost the entire thing before I saw the keys through the clear container, hanging from my middle finger on my left hand.  I had them all along.  I realize now that poor girl was looking at me like I was crazy the entire time, like I was trying to fool her or something.  Or maybe she thought she was on some hidden camera show or something!  I'm kind of surprised she didn't just tell me the keys were on my finger.  Maybe she wanted to see just how far it would go, or maybe she was stunned speechless.

I laughed at myself as I got in the car, then called Mat to tell him what I had done.  I started laughing SO HARD that the tears flowed and my belly ached.  Sometimes, my best entertainment is myself.

We made it!

Little Pink - Sedona Edition

The Grand Canyon.  How have I lived all my life relatively close
to this and never got there?  It's way bigger than I ever imagined. 

We had such a great time in Sedona.  The non-profit, Little Pink Houses of Hope, have sponsored trips for breast cancer survivors and their families for years, but this was the first in Sedona.  I'm such a lame-o because I didn't take many pictures the whole week, but we had so much fun!  We were instructed to relax and recharge, and I did!  When we got there on Sunday (June 3rd) we met at a Methodist church.  There we met the volunteers that would help us all week.  When we walked in, one of the volunteers told me that I needed to go meet "that" family sitting at the table next to ours.  We were in the same kayaking group the next day and they had kids about the same ages as ours.

What happened next was magical.  I walked up to the Mom, Belinda, and introduced myself and told here we should be friends because we were in the same kayaking group.  So, clearly!  We talked a little about our diagnoses, our kids, and I met her husband.  We discovered that McKinley and her daughter Sophie were pretty close in age.  They clicked instantly too!  They live in Spokane, but Belinda is from Mississippi and has the coolest southern accent.  Her daughter Sarah talks like her Mom, she called me "Miss Kim" with the same southern accent all week.  We grew to love their family and will be lifelong friends, I'm sure of that!

The kids spent a lot of time out here!

We had plenty of room in this great house!

This retreat was a perfect balance of fun Sedona activities and down time with family.  Kayaking, including water fights, an off-road Pink Jeep (has nothing to do with breast cancer, it's jus a marketing thing) tour for caregivers, "survivor coffee" (we met at a coffee shop and talked for a long time-I was the only one that ordered hot chocolate), Family Game Night, writing workshop, Adults Night Out (kids went to a ceramic studio and got to use the wheel), an excursion to the Grand Canyon, AND they had a professional photographer to take pictures of all the families.  It truly was a rejuvenating week where we spent lots of time together and laughed and played.  Little Pink does it right, I tell you!  I found out at the survivor coffee from Jeanine, the founder of Little Pink, that they get 3000 applications a year from people who want to do this.  It's only been a few months since I applied, so I was shocked when I heard that!  How did they pick our application out of that many and get us on this retreat?  I think it's because we needed to be there.  We needed that time together in a beautiful place.  We needed to meet the people we did.  I am very grateful we got the opportunity!

Awesome Caregivers!

Part of the kids scavenger hunt,
they had to get a picture in a headdress!

Imitating Kokopelli

They had to find a genuine cowboy

Our Grand Canyon Adventure

The kids are surviving the hike and the heat

McKinley's buddy, Sophie Howes

Can't leave without taking pictures of flora!

Slacker!

I'm sitting here in the wee hours of the morning NOT sleeping. We've had so much going on, a glorious week in Sedona AZ with some of the greatest strangers who became amazing friends.  I do intend to share information and pictures from the trip, but tonight my mind is overwhelmed with one (OK, two) things.  I'm not sure I'm ready to get into one topic quite yet.  NO, we aren't getting divorced.  I just need to process through said topic and get it right in my head before it's out there for the whole world to see.

We're working on getting the condo ready to sell, and we're getting closer but it still takes so long to get all those little projects done.  I don't know where we'll go when we sell, we just about can't keep up with the market in our neighborhood that we love.  We've reminded ourselves over what should never have happened--selling the house we loved at a time when things were finally looking up for us financially.  And then ... Riverton kinda derailed the good stuff we had going for us.  More hours, much lower pay, kids running amuck. . . . ENOUGH OF THAT!  We needed to move back to Bountiful, and I haven't wanted to consider living anywhere but right where we are.  These are my people! My family! And I want to be close to them.  More on that later!

My real intent in writing tonight is just to vent a little bit.  The nerve itching in my skin seems to be affecting me more and more.  Itching is a side effect of my chemo, Herceptin and Perjeta. It's the worst in my neck, shoulders and left arm.  I started taking Gabapentin twice a day because it's supposed to help with nerve issues, and it has helped a little, but I'd say it's not keeping up.  I can take 3 pills a day, but there's a big warning on the bottle about it causing dizziness and fatigue, and I should be careful.  I take it at night and at breakfast.  So if I go up to the full dose and can't function during the day for the dizziness and fatigue?  What's the point?  That doesn't keep me as independent as possible.  I'm heading up to Huntsman Wednesday to talk to a pharmacist about all of this.  I need itching relief!

Some of the kids from the Sedona retreat, at the Grand Canyon!

Is it too much?

I've been so busy with landscaping and nurseries lately.  I feel like all my kids eat are quesadillas, tortilla chips and ice cream.  I don't get to the store consistently and usually have a good chunk of budgeted grocery money left at the end of the month.  By the time I get home, I just don't have it in me!  You know, that "mom guilt" thing?

One of the side effects of my drugs is decreased appetite, I've mentioned this before.  Sometimes, I just don't think to eat--I get clumsy, I trip over things or drop things.  Apparently you can see it in my face too, because people ask me if I'm OK.  Some days are just crazy busy and it's hard to slow down and take care of myself.  Despite having a water bottle with me constantly, I'm always dehydrated.

Yesterday I spent 2+ hours at the nursery pulling perennials for a job in Riverdale.  That was after spending almost 2 hours at the same nursery with someone I did a consultation for.  By the time I got lunch it was 5 p.m.  After inhaling a Sweeto Burrito, I dropped the plants at the house in Riverdale.  This morning, I went back to place everything out.  Thankfully, one of my favorite friends, Sarah, graciously came to help me.  (Just what she wanted to do on her first day of summer vacation!)

My favorite Echinacea.
Pow Wow Wild Berry

We got to the site and had to do a little digging/moving of old perennials to make space for the new ones.  Honestly, I could not have done that by myself!  Sarah saved my life.  The lady was really nice, could see that I was (we were) tired and brought us water bottles and set up chairs in the shade of the garage.  Sarah didn't sit down, but I did!

By the time we were finished, it was lunch time.  I suggested we go to Sweeto Burrito because it was close and I could get there fast.  When we were ordering, I kind of leaned against the wall because I got a little light headed.  The cashier looked at me and said, "Are you OK?  Do you need some water??  I'm going to get you some water."  Was it that obvious?  Geez.  After we sat down, Sarah asked me if I was trying to do too much.  Coming from her, I knew it was a sincere question.  I'm not sure!

What would I do with myself if I wasn't doing the only thing I know how to do this time of year??  I don't want to just sit at home.  I need to contribute to our bottom line, especially to help cover the Epic Summer Road Trip! But even if there weren't a road trip this summer, not doing my thing would make me crazy.  So how do I find a balance?  I don't know that either. I used to be able to handle it, but cancer treatments have changed me some.  I can't function quite like I used to.  I get overwhelmed, my brain doesn't work like I'm use to.  It's frustrating but it's my reality and I'm trying to deal with that the best I can.

My friend Laura always did the best she could.  She just kept going like the Energizer bunny and did it for 17 years from her initial diagnosis.  She passed away this week, her funeral is on Saturday.  She made quite an impact on me, and I'm so grateful our paths crossed!  I'll love her forever.

Memorable Day, in more ways than one!

On Sunday we drove up to Huntsville, my beloved hometown.  I LOVED growing up there, loved the big open spaces, loved knowing how to play and enjoy the outdoors, etc.  The first place we went to was the house I remember most, 9005 E. 100 S.  It's on the road that leads to Causey Dam and Monte Cristo.  I about died when I saw a "For Sale" sign out front!  The house is obviously empty, so we walked through the yard which brought back so many memories!

That porch over-hang has been added since we lived there, but the
Russian olive tree and the crabapple tree left of the sidewalk
were there when we were.  The crabapple was planted in
memory of my littlest sister, Joanna, who was stillborn (1977).

The back porch, I remember distinctively sitting on the step
shelling peas we'd just picked from the huge garden my Dad planted.
We had a huge old apple tree on the left, where my Dad built a
two-level tree house for us.  We had a huge sandbox and a swing set
over there too.  We were making mud in the huge garden
(on the right, out of the picture) when my parents came home to tell us
about Joanna.  We sat on those stairs and they showed us a picture of her.
I wish I knew where that picture was today.

This is the back-backyard.  We had a huge field where we kept a
few animals off and on, including rabbits in a small barn that
isn't there anymore.  It wouldn't be a stretch to say that some of
them were for dinner sometimes!  Makes me gag, just thinking
of it.  We had 2 acres of unlimited possibilities for play.

Asking price?  A mere $436,000.  Man I wish this was real estate we still owned!  After going down memory lane, we went to the cemetery in Huntsville town, down at Cemetery Point which is surrounded on three sides by Pineview Dam.  I hadn't seen my brother Jeff's rock yet (I don't love to visit cemeteries).


















He died from Glioblastoma, an aggressive brain cancer.  The picture is based off of the one below.  He always wore shorts and always had a hat on.  I sure miss him!

My Mom was also buried there a year ago, almost exactly.  (pictures won't download for some reason)  I miss her too, it's hard not having your Mom around.

As for me, I'm good.  I feel good, I have energy to do what needs to be done, I'm doing my business and working at the nursery as much as I can.  We have a road trip to pay for, and I'm happy to contribute as much as I can.  The "itch" can still be an issue sometimes, but I think it's a little better with Gabapentin.  😊

F2TF

My life has been pretty average lately.  I feel great except for the constant itching.  It's worse at night because I'm trying to wind down so I notice it more!  During the day I'm running constantly from one thing to another, so it's easier to distract myself.  I've been doing landscape designs lately.  I call it "designing on the fly" because I don't draft anything anymore.  I just go check out the yards, then get the plants through my nursery connections and place them out.  And then I let the homeowner plant them.  😉  I charge a flat rate which is so much better than trying to keep track of my time and charging by the hour!  I feel good about it because it has simplified the process, and people feel good about it because they get their yard project done fast.

I worked at the nursery today and ran into one of my favorite friends, Becky!  We were diagnosed around same time late in 2009.  I met her at Sizzler, at a lunch event for a support group we were both in, Young Survivor Sisters.  The whole cancer thing was new to both of us.  We were both kind of late, I followed her in to the table where the group was. Because of that, we sat across from each other and I felt like I had an instant connection with her!  Even though we don't see each other very often, that connection is still there and I love her to pieces!

Me and Becky at the Make the Magic fundraiser
for Camp Kesem BYU in March!

We stood among the plants and talked for 45 minutes or more.  She's such an inspiration to me, very strong in the gospel because she works at it by reading and really knowing the scriptures and going to the temple often.  We talked about this crazy disease, and what a blessing it is to have some time.  Time to make things right, time to think about the legacy you'll leave, time to make memories, time spend with family in more meaningful ways, etc. etc.  I started my day at the nursery tired and on the edge of cranky, and ended the day feeling so much lighter and optimistic by having talked to her!

After her diagnosis and treatment, she and her sister started an non-profit organization called Anything For A Friend.  They came up with a system to help people raise money for a friend or family member going through treatments.  They host a 5K every year in honor of a boy named Tyler who fought the cancer battle a few years ago.  "Fight to the Finish" or F2TF is what the race is all about!  I didn't realize this, but every year Becky and her committee select one person to honor at the race.  This year, it will be me.  The race is being held the morning of July 28th, I think it's at Weber State?  I need to get more details still, but the deal is I've been asked to put together a team of about 25 people who can be there to support us!  We'll all get shirts in the same color, it will be an amazing event!  Below there is a link to a video about it, so check it out.  SO, if you want to be on "my team" and you can and want to come that day, Please let me know!  I need to get shirt sizes to her.  Y'all have my phone number, right?  This link will take you to a video about the event.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/pkvlu3nopa1znfj/F2TF5K%202014.mov?dl=0

Mothers Day

Mothers Day isn't typically my favorite day of the year.  We have a famous line in our family, "Mothers are that they may have guilt!"  Being a Mom is hard!  It's, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done.  When the day approaches ever year, I try hard not to focus too much on my perceived shortcomings.  I doubt I'm the only one!

I worked at J and J on Saturday, I couldn't believe how busy it was--even being so cold and rainy!  At one point, my friend Jenny grabbed my arm and said, "Kim, I need to talk to you!"  I wondered if I was in trouble.  😊  I had come in a couple hours later than normal, hoping that the rain would stop.  It didn't!  We marched up to the front where we keep our stuff behind a counter.  She pulled out an envelope with a card.  This is what it said:

I was stunned when I saw a cashiers check in an amount I wasn't expecting.  I've been in this industry for 15 years, and spent many of those working at one nursery or another.  I've often felt that I wasn't making a "real" impact doing what I was doing.  I thought I should be doing something else more prestigious or noteworthy.  The truth is I've worked with some of the best people on the planet.  I have so many friends I couldn't have known any other way.   I'm so grateful!

The Breast Cancer Club

I started taking Gabapentin on Monday, and I'm happy to report that the itching is better, not gone but manageable!  That's been a huge relief, I'm grateful to have had the help to figure that out. (Thanks to my pharmacist friend who suggested I ask my oncologist about it).

Yesterday was a crazy day!  Me and my oldest daughter have been helping my oldest friend, Louise (she's almost 92, or is it 93??) plant the annuals she loves to have in her yard.  Red geraniums and white petunias.  It's always fun to work side by side with Maddie and gratifying to have at least one of my children who's willing to play in the dirt with me!

I had my support group yesterday and had a great group of women there, as always! At the end of the group, the social worker had us go around and talk about one way cancer has caused vulnerability in our lives.  For me?  Financial!  It shouldn't be news to anyone that teachers don't get paid much.  My reasons for the financial vulnerability are:

• I never went into landscaping thinking I would do it forever.  Don't get me wrong, I love gardening and playing in the dirt!  But when I started, I thought it would be something I would try out for a few years while the kids were little, and then I'd figure out what I really wanted to be.  For about a year before I was re-diagnosed, I would think about what in the heck I would want to go into, but couldn't come up with anything that sounded good.  I needed a direction before I spent a bunch of money to go back to school.  But then cancer was back.  And I realized I wasn't supposed to do anything else.  Fighting cancer IS my job now.  Problem is it doesn't pay very well.  😜  I've lost the opportunity to go back to school, to pursue other things I'm interested in.  I've lost the ability to contribute to our budget in a significant way.
• When we left Bountiful in 2013, I knew it was the right thing to do, but not for financial reasons.  For years I said that if he ever got a job at a high school, we needed to live close to the high school because of the hours and hours of uncompensated time a high school choir job requires.  Many people are/were surprised to hear that Mat went from the 18th step in Granite district to the 9th step in Jordan district.  What that means is he took a significant pay cut to work a lot more hours.  He was burned out on junior high kids and needed a change, but it came with a high cost.  Selling our house in Bountiful was he STUPIDEST thing we've ever done (hindsight 20/20) from a financial standpoint.  Moving back to Bountiful after 2 ½ years in Riverton to the condo, we had no idea where we would be today, 2 years later, with the housing market.  Home prices and interest rates have gone up so much that we'll be hard pressed to be able to afford another house in our neighborhood, even with the equity we have in the condo.  
• The condo has served it's purpose.  We needed to downsize, to get Maddie off to school, to lower our mortgage payment, etc. etc.  I have an intense "want" to move back into a house so I have a garden and yard to work in.  I know, I know.  I can work in yours!  People say that to me all the time.  It's not the same, friends!  I need my own space, where I can create beauty and do my plant therapy.  I honestly think it will help me get through hard times ahead.  If I'm going to croak (as my Mom would say), I'm going to do it on my terms, in MY garden!

When I left group, I didn't feel uplifted like I normally do because these things were swirling through my mind.  I kind of wished we had talked about the hard stuff at the beginning and ended with something else.  I went straight to Diane's for my monthly magical massage, but had a really hard time relaxing because of the intense frustration over where we're at right now (financially) and what I want so bad and feeling that it's not possible.  I don't want to start a 30 year mortgage at almost 50 (not me, Mat!) because that's what we can afford on Mat's income.  Oh how I wish I had some way to help our budget more!!!

Blahhh!  OK, on to the rest.  Last night Mat did his last big concert of the year.  It was amazing, as always!  After every concert, I say "I don't know what you're so worried about!" because he often feels inadequate and overwhelmed.  He hadn't eaten dinner yet, and we hadn't either, so at 9:30 we head into ChickfilA in South Jordan.  When I walked in the door, I immediately saw a woman who looked just like me.  I pointed to her and asked if she was going through what I was going through.  Turns out, she's going through exactly what I'm going through!  And we have the same oncologist!  I stood there for 20-25 minutes and talked to this very nice stranger who was recently inducted into this "club" that no one wants to be a part of.  But once you're in it, you have an instant connection to those in similar circumstances.  This is Andrea, my newest cancer friend.  💕  As I was talking to Andrea, I glanced over and saw the Osborns sitting at a table not far away.  They lived across the street from us in Riverton, we're game night buddies.  We sat and talked until they kicked us out, well after closing time.  The day ended well, despite feeling overwhelmed about other things.  I know this housing thing will turn out OK.  I don't know how or when, but it will.

Stupid Side Effects

Despite feeling quite upbeat the end of this week, it's been a hard weekend.  I didn't follow my routine and skipped breakfast yesterday and today.  It just slipped my mind.  When I forget breakfast, I don't remember my Zoloft (anti-depressant/anxiety), which means that I'm hysterical mess at bedtime when my body itches all over and I can't stop trying to make it stop.  A blessed side effect of Herceptin and Perjeta.  Another side effect of these two drugs is lack of appetite.  I realized about 10:30 tonight that it didn't occur to me to eat today.  I at 2 brownies that Brooklyn made about 2:00 after my nap.  Then I left to go to Ogden to see my friend Michelle, a typical Sunday activity for me.  I ate a bag of doritos in the car, to offset the sugary brownies.  At 10:30, because I was starving I binged on nachos and cereal after realizing I never ate and didn't drink nearly enough water today,   Now I've taken Lorazepam to off-set feeling nauseated.

I'm going to start taking Gabapentin tomorrow.  I've had the prescription for a couple of weeks but haven't started yet because, I guess I needed to wait until I felt more desperate.  I'm desperate!!!  I hate having to take drugs with their own set of side effects to treat side effects from the other drugs I take.  Everything I take is a side effect of having cancer.  I never took anti-anxiety meds until cancer got me the first time.  I never took pills for anything before I was 40, except Ibuprofen type stuff.  😢

It's going to be a crazy week.  I have lots of consultations and landscaping to do, which means I purchase and place out plants in peoples yards.  It can be fun for me, but when I have so much to do . . . .  It's not like it's unusual to be really busy this time of year, I'm just having a harder time managing it all this year.  My brain doesn't work like it always has.

I met a really nice couple last week who have taken an interest in what's going on in my life.  It's kind of obvious something is going on in my life.  People don't usually ask me, but they did, and I could tell it was out of genuine concern for me.  After placing out trees and shrubs last week, we sat down around their fire pit for a few minutes and the husband told me a story that I will try to retell without butchering it too much.  You'll have to let me how I've done, Dean!

He grew up in Syracuse, back when Syracuse was a farming community.  He talked about when he as a kid noticing an old farmer beating his old apple tree with a shovel (or something) one year in the fall.  He wondered what in the world this farmer was doing, beating an old tree like that.  Later, he asked the farmer why he was hitting the tree with a shovel.  The farmer said it was to stress the tree just enough to make it want to have a bumper crop of apples the next fall.  Sure enough, the tree harvested a large crop of beautiful apples the next fall.

Then Dean compared the tree to us.  Sometimes our trials are that proverbial shovel that beats us to our breaking point.  God allows us to experience hard things.  It's not because He doesn't love us, it's because only HE knows what we need to experience to become our very best selves.  Only HE knows which path to send us down.  Everybody has that "thing," that thing that makes us feel like we're being beaten by an old farmer with a shovel.  But we can get through anything that's thrown at us, with God's help.  Now, even if I got some of the details wrong, I got the gist of a great story that reminds me where my faith and trust must be.  💕

My Quarterly Panic Attack

I've held myself together pretty well this week, knowing that I wouldn't get results of yesterdays CT scan until today.  I worked at the nursery today and found myself pacing the isles, desperately  needing information!  Any oncologist knows that her patients are anxious and don't want to wait too long for results, I knew I'd be on her list today.  And I was.  But I couldn't stand it and only made it until 11:00 before I called my nurse Kathy.  She gets the anxiety too, both are always kind and patient with my phone calls.  Kathy always says that it's OK to "come away from the edge of the cliff" now.

The results are great, in a baby steps sort of way.  There's a "Slight decrease in size of metastatic lesions within the liver" From 2.2 cm by 1.5 cm to 1.8 cm by 1.4 cm.  I care less about the measurements, and more about the numbers going down.  The chemo is working!  I'm so relieved and happy with the news.  The AST and ALT (liver function) numbers are back in the normal range too.  And there doesn't appear to be any new spots.  So, yippee!!!

Dr. Prystas commented today on how much better I sound.  I guess I didn't realize I was that much off my normal, but the farther I get from the hard core chemo, the better I feel.  I get through most days without a nap (but I'm happy to use fatigue as a reason to veg out when I need to!).  I have the energy to get through my shifts at the nursery, and do some landscaping on the side.  If I had hair, you'd never think I had cancer.

I'm GRATEFUL for todays news!  My heartfelt thanks to everyone who has helped us get to this point.  The rides, the food, the talking and processing, the mint brownies ...  Seriously, we've been richly blessed!  Next thing on the agenda is planning our Epic Summer Road Trip!