I’ve been asked by our ward historian, Sister Hall, to write down the ways I’ve seen the hand of the Lord through two cancer diagnoses. It’s an overwhelming project because so many remarkable, amazing things have happened, it’s hard to document them all. But I’m grateful to able to look back and see how the Lord has blessed me and my family.
I often think about how WE are Christs hands on earth. Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk in the 2010 April Conference entitled “You Are My Hands”.
A story is told that during the bombing of a city in World War II, a large statue of Jesus Christ was severely damaged. When the townspeople found the statue among the rubble, they mourned because it had been a beloved symbol of their faith and of God’s presence in their lives.
Experts were able to repair most of the statue, but its hands had been damaged so severely that they could not be restored. Some suggested that they hire a sculptor to make new hands, but others wanted to leave it as it was—a permanent reminder of the tragedy of war. Ultimately, the statue remained without hands. However, the people of the city added on the base of the statue of Jesus Christ a sign with these words: “You are my hands.”
I have always loved that idea. We must be in tune with the Spirit to be open and available to serve those around us because we are His hands. I have seen it hundreds of times through my cancer, people who come at just the right moment with something I needed, or the words I needed to hear. Those are the things I hope I can express adequately. It’s been truly miraculous.
PART 1
My first diagnosis came the end of 2009. My youngest, McKinley, was only 5 months old when I got the news. I was shocked and devastated. I admit there were a couple of days just after the diagnosis when I was a little bit angry with God, wondering how He could allow this to happen at this moment in my life, with a brand new baby and young kids. Soon after, though, everything changed when I felt the arms of HIS love wrap around me and sustain me from that time on.
During the day on Friday (day of mammogram and ultrasound), I called a therapist friend of mine to see if there was any way she could see us. The last thing I wanted was to go home and traumatize the kids! This friend doesn’t see clients on Friday, but she came in so she could talk to us. The thing I remember most from that meeting is that it is OK to cry, just try not to be emotional around the kids. They could be traumatized over and over again because their young minds wouldn’t understand that my tears were about the same thing. I’ve never forgotten that.
Later Friday night I went to the gym which was my routine 4-5 times a week. At the gym, I ran into a friend from my college choir days. I hadn’t seen her in years! She asked me how I was, and I told her! She told me her sister-in-law had gone through the same thing the year before. At 9:45 p.m. I got a call from Corinne S. from South Jordan who talked to me for over an hour about what to expect in the next few weeks and gave me a referral for her plastic surgeon, which turned out to be a great thing!
Because I had the needle biopsy on Friday, I wouldn’t get the results until Tuesday. The lab open over the weekend?! Tuesday was torture. By the afternoon with no news, I was near hysterics. I met Mat in Salt Lake to pass off the kids so he could get them to the dentist. It was the first moment I had to myself all day and I burst into tears! I had to pull into a parking lot to “unfog” my sunglasses. I cried my eyes out as I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father to please get me some news today. Then I drove the 20 minutes home. The instant I opened the front door, I heard the beep on our answering machine. It was my doctors nurse who told me the results were in.
I had already asked that I be able to go in and get the news face to face (another recommendation from my therapist friend) rather than over the phone. My friend Mary Smart said she would come in with me (Mat was still at the dentist with the kids). I called her, she was on her way to pick me up. I was anxious though, and started walking down the street to meet her. It was then that Jorge D. saw me in tears in the street. He immediately came in my direction and gave me a huge hug and shared some words of encouragement.
When I saw the doctor, she placed her hands on my knees and told me it was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. She was taken aback when I reacted with relief - I had my game face on. I was relieved only because now that we knew what it was, we could do something about it! She told me the first thing to look into was a mastectomy … and she knew a great general surgeon … and he isn’t usually here on Tuesdays … but he happens to be here today … and he can see you right now. Tender mercy!
When the surgeon walked in, I was so relieved because I recognized him from our stake, it was Dr. Fisher, a general surgeon who got all the balls rolling in the right direction. I knew I was in good hands! I was happy and knew without a doubt that Heavenly Father loves me and cares about me. He had been watching over me through the entire process. Surgery and reconstruction would be Dec. 14th.
The night before that first mammogram, I told Mat that I did not have a strong enough spiritual foundation for a crisis of this magnitude. You know what? I quickly learned that we can leave Heavenly Father, but Heavenly Father never leaves us. Even though my scripture study and everything else was sketchy at times, I knew undeniably that he was carrying us. I felt it very early on and have felt it ever since.
When I was in the hospital after surgery, I had a sister come into my room from the LDS branch that is organized for the hospital. She asked me if I needed anything, in particular a priesthood blessing. I told her “no” because Mat had just left to go home and I felt pretty good. Then my temperature started to rise and I started feeling awful again. I called the information desk to see if the branch folks were still available. They said the missionaries had already left, but she would call them and give them my name and room number. An older couple came back to the hospital and my room, which touched me so much! They asked me questions about my surgery, my family and my needs. The brother carefully found out all of that and then practiced my name to get it right in the blessing. Then he said, “Let’s see what Heavenly Father has planned for you” and gave me a blessing very slowly and carefully, obviously listening and being directed by the Spirit.
I recounted to Mat that night what he had said in the blessing:
- that angels would fill the room and be with me through the night
- that I would have a full recovery because I still had a lot to do in my life
- that I would perceive that the Lord still has a mission for me and that our kids are a big part of that mission
- that I would be able to understand the Atonement and gain strength through that to get through this trial
- that my fever would break and that I would be able to go home
- then he pronounced those blessings on Mat through me. It was an incredible experience!
The day I was supposed to leave the hospital, Dr. Fisher came in and told me that, while they didn’t see cancer cells in the sentinel lymph node during the first operation, pathology had found micro-metastasis in that lymph node. Another surgery was required to remove more lymph nodes so they could be tested to see if there was more cancer down the line. He told me he could keep me in the hospital and do the surgery the next day, or I could go home a begin recovering and come back the first part of January to do the surgery. I opted for January because Christmas was just 8 days away, and I desperately wanted to be home with my family as soon as possible.
As friends found our about my cancer through Facebook, I got a lot of calls from friends and loved ones who were concerned and wanted to support me. One life changing call was from one of my favorite mission companions, Wanda M. As we talked and she gave me encouragement, a scripture came to my mind, I had to go find where it was, it became one of the things I’ve held onto, I posted it all over my house. Mosiah 24:14-15.
14 - And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage (cancer sure felt like bondage!); and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 - And it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren (Kim and her family) were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
Another friend, Tricia Liddiard, sent me an email a couple weeks after my diagnosis. She told me about a dream she had:
I just wanted to tell you about a dream I had last night … I dreamed you were coming to the hospital for your surgery and walked into this huge auditorium, where there were THOUSANDS of people waiting for you. This huge auditorium was completely full. I was on stage with a large group of people waiting for you also. You walked in and EVERYONE stood up and gave you a standing ovation. Every single person was wearing a pink ribbon for YOU. We clapped and clapped for you and your courage! Then we all sang a song for you and you were so amazed that so many people were “there for you.” I forgot to tell you that when you came in, you were READY to take this thing on! You are a fighter and nothing was going to stop you!”
(what I wrote in the blog) ‘When I’ve said that I am completely overwhelmed by all the love and support I’ve received, THAT is what it feels like, like I’m in the middle of a huge auditorium with thousands of people cheering and clapping and singing. THAT is what your prayers have done for me. That is why I feel so blessed. THAT is why this will only be a bump in my road, and not the definition of who I am. I have people all over the world praying for me. This “thing” in me has made me a better person, it has totally changed my perspective on life. I will be more aware of the needs of others, I will be more willing to help and pray and tend and cook and hug and feel your pain. I love you all!’
After coming home from the hospital I couldn’t lift anything, Amy G. would come help take care of the baby. I was venting to her one night, still trying to process everything that had happened, why “this” was the right time to give me cancer when I had this tiny person to take of. Amy said, “Kim, she knew exactly what she was coming down to. She was prepared for this before she was born.” I knew instantly that it was true.
I wanted desperately to go to church but couldn’t take a shower because I still had the surgical drains in. Someone told me that Janet T. used to do hair, and that she might have a hair washing sink. She graciously let me come, she washed my hair (more than once) so I would feel more comfortable going to church.
People were constantly doing thoughtful things for us. Krista M. (1st ward) brought me a plaque that I hung in my room. It said, “I can do hard things” I wasn’t sure I could, but it helped to know that others thought I could! After I finished everything and felt normal, I passed that sign along to someone else who had just been diagnosed.
So many people brought over movies they liked so I had a way to pass the time. I had so many friends that brought us frozen meals that just needed to be warmed. There were too many people to recall now, but that was a huge blessing! We never lacked for food!
I had a head shaving "party" the night of my first chemo. I wasn’t going to let it fall out! It felt like the last thing I had control of. A few friends come over, a couple of them got short pixie cuts at the same time. Amanda K. came to do those cuts. My hair was gathered into pony tails and each of the kids got a chance to use the scissors. I think that was more traumatizing than therapeutic, but I wanted them to be part of seeing the transformation. When all was said and done, I had a smile of my face but I was devastated on the inside, weeping for my lost identity.
The secretary at Mat’s school would send me a funny, sometimes edgy card every week or two, something to make me giggle and remember to smile.
Mary S. came with me to every doctors appointment, every procedure, every chemo, and her daughter Kaylee would take care of my girls while we were gone. Talk about angels among us!
My friend from high school, Sarah P., came and set up bird feeders in the backyard so I could sit at the kitchen table and watch the birds come in to eat.
Holly F. (1st ward) came one day and walked straight to the kitchen and cleaned out the microwave. She didn’t ask me what she could do, she just knew that microwaves always need cleaning!
All through the time I was doing chemo, I had ward members and friends coming in 2 shifts per day to take care of the little girls. Sometimes they would play with the girls, snuggle up with McKinley, make and decorate cookies with Brooklyn, do art projects, etc. — things I wanted desperately to do myself, but couldn’t. When I finished chemo, I mourned losing my daily visitors. They gave me as comfort as they gave my girls, even as I slept through many of those visits.
After each chemo, I came home with 8 Neupogen shots, one for each of the next 8 days after chemo. I couldn’t bear the thought of giving myself the shots, but Natasha B. and Laurie W. (Francoms daughter) came, 64 times, to give me those shots.
For many weeks Janet T. would come get our laundry, take it home and bring it back sorted, folded, with ironed shirts on hangers.
Our house was heart-attacked on Valentines day, and cute treats were left for the family.
We had our names in temples from Tokyo, to Anchorage, to Washington, D.C. We could feel the prayers from so many people!
Before cancer, Eileen M. taught me how to make whole wheat bread using a Bosch. I made bread regularly after that, she knew that was something that was important to me. After my surgeries, she started bringing us 4 loaves of her warm bread every Monday afternoon, for 6 months!
We were sitting in the front of the chapel during prelude one Sunday early on, when a sweet little girl, probably 2 or 3 came up to me and said in the sweetest voice, “My Mom (Amy H.) said to give this to you.” It was a quote from President Harold B. Lee that said:
The most important thing you can do is to learn to talk to God. Talk to Him as you would talk to you father, for He is your Father, and He wants you to talk to Him. He wants you to cultivate ears to listen when He gives you the impressions of the Spirit to tell you what to do. If you learn to give heed to the sudden ideas which come to your minds, you will find those things coming through in the very hour of your need. If you cultivate an ear to hear these promptings, you will have learned to walk by the spirit of revelation.
(from the blog) “I’ve learned that when we rely on Heavenly Father, when we trust that it’s OK if His plan is different that ours, when we have faith that we can get through anything we’re handed in our lives, great things can come from our trials. We aren’t promised that He will take all our troubles away and make our lives easy, but we are promised that that he will ease our burdens and make it possible to get through them. My heart feels like it will burst when I reflect on the miracles we’ve seen through all of this. I want to be there for people in the way that so many people have been there for us . . .
. . . I was talking to a friend in the ward tonight, Geri T. I invited her to our celebration on Sunday (celebrating the end of chemo). She said, “But I feel like I haven’t done anything for you.” I reminded her that just after my diagnosis, she made me two rice bags that I can put in the microwave and heat to keep my feet warm when I go to bed. My feet are always icy-cold in the winter. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve climbed up and sat on the bathroom vanity with my feet in the sink, running hot water over them! She didn’t know it when she made them for me, but she solved my feet problem!”
One morning we were watching the Music and the Spoken Word (Tabernacle Choir) broadcast. They sang “How Firm a Foundation,” which I love because Mac Wilberg wrote such an awesome arrangement for it. We never sing all 7 verses in church but his includes the 7th verse.
The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!
Every word of this verse is meaningful to me. I am at peace when I’m relying on Heavenly Father, when I’m looking forward in FAITH, when I trust that He knows what I need to become the person I need to become. I’m FEARFUL when I forget the He’s in charge, when I feel like I want to control the outcome … when I feel like I should be able to control the outcome, when I feel despair over things I may lose out on (marriages, grandbabies, graduations). I have had to learn again and again that having faith and trusting God is the only peaceful way. I will never forsake!
At my one year anniversary from my initial diagnosis, I posted these thoughts on my blog.
I’ve been knocked down, but I’ve gained way more from this experience than I have lost. In the end, “Why me?” does me no good. The better question is “Why not me?” I have met so many incredible people through this breast cancer experience, I have friends I couldn’t have met any other way. These are people I needed in my life! I have seen so many miracles on our behalf. I have seen everything fall into place, dozens of people coming to our aid with exactly the right thing for that moment. All of these things are all I need to know that God knows who we are and is ready to pour out his blessings when we need them most.
PART 2
When I had my first surgery in 2009, they removed one tumor and 8 lymph nodes, pathology found traces of cancer in just the first lymph node, the “sentinel” node, the others down the line from it were clear. So, everything was removed and the 4 ½ months of chemo was a “just in case there are any floaters” treatment. I wasn’t one bit worried about it coming back. I was sure I had beaten it. So when it showed up again seven years later, it was a huge blow, and another reminder that God has a plan that looks different than what I always imagined.
The first Sunday after diagnosis we missed Sacrament Meeting because we were at a mission farewell, but we were in the foyer when the closing prayer was said. Sylvia W. asked for a special blessing for the Ulmer family. People poured out of the chapel and came straight to me to ask me what was going on and give me encouragement. I was so touched by that because it just reinforced for us how loved we are in Orchard 7th Ward.
I have struggled with the idea of not being there for graduations, marriages, grandkids. I have felt overwhelmed by all the things I want to accomplish, making our home comfortable, catching up family albums and kids scrapbooks, writing my personal history, leaving a legacy so future generations know who I am and what I’m about. I have had to mourn and learn to accept this new road I am on. I have tried hard to do it with grace and gratitude for everything we’ve been blessed with.
One of my big concerns early on was that we had a $5,000 out of pocket maximum that I knew would be difficult to come up with. My friend in Colorado, Olivia M., set up a youcaring.com page on my behalf and started sharing it everywhere, we did the same. It wasn’t long before she had raised the entire amount and took that worry off our shoulders in a difficult time. The cool thing was that our insurance plan year had just begun (Sept. 1st, my first CT scan was Sept. 11th) so we didn’t have to worry about medical expenses for an entire year. It reinforced in my mind that a large group of people can come together and do just a little bit, but make a huge difference for someone in need!
One Sunday, I was sitting in Sunday School and Sylvia W. was teaching. Her lesson must have been on trials and adversity. She read a quote that hit me at my core by Elder Neal A. Maxwell.
Let me remind you that there will come to you no trial, no tribulation that you have not been measured beforehand and found adequate to pass through. I say that to you because you will feel pressure and feel overwhelmed and wonder how you will do it, but you will. And the Lord who knows you better than you know yourself, will help you. He will tutor you and strengthen you, because He loves you.
WOW! No truer words have been spoken, the message was exactly what I needed to hear.
I had a hard time with the initial whirlwind of appointments, a surgery, tests, labs and starting chemo. It really does change everything about your life. I worried about how my kids would handle cancer again. I worried about what must be going through Mat’s head. The first go around, we learned to be confident about the outcome because I was beating it. The second time around, that confidence disappears and reality becomes “real.” One burden was lifted by so many people who have come to chemo with me. It’s a huge blessing to have someone to talk to, someone to get me the things I needed. I had someone take me to chemo every single time. I wasn’t sure how the drugs would affect me, or if I should be driving if they did! Geri T. took me the first week and was so great about sitting there for hours and hours, staying there with me in case I needed something. That first chemo is such a scary thing. You don't know how the chemo will affect you. There are so many thoughts and emotions going through my head. I had chemo every Friday for 20 weeks.
We had so much food brought in during those first few months! We constantly had a fridge full of food and dishes to return to people. The food and the thoughtfulness was so amazing. Sixteen months into this, there is still one friend, Kyrenia R. (a former member of the ward), who brings dinner every Thursday, because it’s that one thing she can do to help us.
One week when I was going through the really intense chemo, and obviously not looking great, Janet T. in the ward leaned over to me in Relief Society and said, “Why can’t stuff like this happen to people like me?? I’ve lived a full life and this would be OK for me, but it’s not OK for you!” I know there are so many around us that are concerned, they love us, and are praying for us.
When you get a diagnosis for anything scary, people tend to come out of the woodwork to tell about this diet, or that supplement, or these essential oils, or that miracle cure … It’s easy to get sucked into those ideas and feel like YOU’RE the one in control. It gets really overwhelming! It’s easy to get pulled into the idea that it would be “my” fault if I “let” cancer kill me. I have one friend in the ward who has been particularly inspiring and helpful when I’m feeling down about the road I’m on, when I’m focusing more on FEAR than FAITH. Cari M. said this to me once after a particularly hard time.
God is full of miracles! That’s what I think. Man can give you a guess of time left …. but it’s really up to God! That’s where we place our faith, he knows and loves you! He has a plan for your life! It is not just a random, whatever happens happens deal. You are His precious child and He has a specific plan and purpose for your life. You will not go until you have fulfilled your special purpose … and He calls you home!
This is exactly what I needed to hear, because as much as I want to be in charge of this disease, I’m not. It will take time have those truths imprinted on my soul, and I’ll have to remind myself again and again. It will take time to understand cancer’s purpose. It will take time to accept the plan God has for me, because this isn’t what I planned for my life.
She’s given me similar council several times, because stage 4 cancer isn’t just a “you deal with it once” sort of a deal. Most of the time I am optimistic and feeling OK, but I do get overwhelmed thinking about the future too. Sometimes I just need a reminder.
We’ve received so many gifts from people who wanted to remain anonymous, and even sweet gifts from kids. Our neighbor, Bridget M. brought us dinner one night. When Bridget came, she brought her oldest daughter with her. Sweet Kyra, who was 7 or 8 years old, came in and handed me a homemade “get well” card that I kept on my fridge for a very long time.
My friend, Teri S., offered one Sunday to come Thursday morning and help me with whatever I needed. I told her I wouldn’t be up yet, but she was welcome to come in and look around! I woke up to sounds of Teri cleaning the kitchen and straightening up, then she vacuumed the house after I woke up. So awesome!
One morning when I was just leaving for chemo with Geri T., my friend Regena B. pulled up and asked me what I needed help with. I said, “Laundry!” She pulled in as we drove away and spent hours there getting our laundry done. Regena was going through cancer when I was the first time (2010), same type, same treatments—we were bald together!
I have a stage 4 friend, Ginger J., who is a dynamic, inspiring speaker. I went to a presentation she did not long after my stage 4 diagnosis. She was talking about giving up our will and accepting God’s will for us instead. She told us about the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nigo in Daniel 3. They refused to worship the golden idol. The king threw them into the fiery furnace. They had faith that God would deliver them from their afflictions, if it was HIS will. But if He didn’t, they knew it would still be OK. They would hold strong to their convictions no matter what happened. Their actions would honor God and not the king.
Daniel 3:17 - If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.
3:18 - But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou has set up.
We don’t get to choose our afflictions or trials. We just have to have faith that God knows what we need to make us the kind of people he wants us to be. I think no matter what “happens” in my situation, it will be exactly what is supposed to happen. I went up and talked to her after her presentation and told her those three words, BUT IF NOT, hit me right between the eyes. It’s not my job to try to control my cancer! I can do all the right things, eat the right food, have the right mindset, take the right supplements, but it may go south anyway! Those three words, especially coming from her was a great comfort to me because in the end, I am not in control—even if I do all the right things! I’m so grateful to know that I can turn it all over to God and let Him handle it. My job is to make the most of the time I have between scans and make memories with my family.
As the Christmas season 2017 rolled in, the blessings just kept coming. A generous friend in the ward, who wants to remain anonymous, talked to me in September or October about wanting to send our family on vacation for Christmas. I was blown away by their generosity! Everything would be covered, hotel, plane tickets, rental car, spending money. She asked me to talk to Mat and decide where we wanted to go. We decided sun, warm, and sand would be a great thing for us! So she went to work and figured everything out. I knew what state we were going to, but even the exact location was a surprise for me! We had an elaborate scheme about surprising our kids the night we flew out. It was such a great thing for us! I was getting hit hard with side effects from chemo, and I desperately needed a break. We were able to get away and put cancer behind us for a week, which was a huge blessing! We ended up in Ormond Beach, Florida, in a 3 bedroom rental house (not the hotel she kept referring to!), right across the street from the beach. We saw and did a lot of amazing things, we packed the week as tight as we could. It was heavenly! Brooklyn commented several times about how happy I looked, which meant the world to me because life has really thrown us all a curve ball. The entire trip, I only thought about cancer once. I met a young woman in a store with alopecia--I had to talk to her! She was gorgeous and I decided I could rock it like she did. It was an AWESOME trip!
Someone did a 12 Days of Christmas for us too. We have no idea who it was! Everyday there were things that were useful to me and things I could share with my family. I had my neighbor, Sandy R., pick up the deliveries while we were gone to Florida. The day I figured would be the last day, I panicked when I realized I would have no way to thank them! So I typed up a “thank you!!” note and emailed it to Sandy. She printed it off and taped it to my front door so they would see it when they dropped off the 12th day gift. So grateful!
I’ve worked in the nursery/landscaping industry for many years. The day before Mothers Day, one of my nursery friends, Jenny Borup, called me over to the desk and handed me an envelope. I was immediately suspicious! This is what I found when I opened it up, along with a cashiers check for a sizable amount, meant to go toward our summer road trip a couple of months later. The road trip had been on our bucket list for 15 years, but there was never enough time or money to make it happen with the kids. A scary diagnosis changes all of that, and you do the things you want to do anyway! We spent the entire month of July 2018 driving across the country through 26 states, and came home 18 miles shy of 7,000 miles. It was glorious!
We’ve had five rather significant Tender Mercies in the last few months.
First: When we moved back to Bountiful (spring of 2016 - that’s a story for another time!) we moved into a condo in the ward, with downsizing and moving back to the area we love as the biggest priorities. It worked for a while, but I got antsy over not having a yard and the lack of space to spread out was making us all a little crazy. So I started planting seeds, with Mat, with Cari M., our dear friend, ward member, and rockstar real estate agent. Mat would say, “but I like not having a lawn to mow!” And then I would say, “I’m not letting you anywhere near the lawn, I get to mow the lawn!” I had pictured in my head a rambler on a particular street in the middle of the block, so we would have a nice big back yard, preferably with a few updates.
I started earnestly praying specifically for a house in the spring of 2018. I told Heavenly Father that I felt I could live longer if I had a place to do my garden therapy, that our family with be a little more comfortable with a little more space, that we needed to create a space where happy memories could be made, where the kids would want to bring their friends to hang out.
I don’t think it’s any coincidence that it took less than 6 months to happen. Our house isn’t on the street I had pictured, it’s a corner lot with nice side yards, and the house needs complete renovation. Not what I was looking for, but it’s perfect for us! Heavenly Father knew.
After I walked through it the first time, I was overwhelmed by the amount of work it would need. I half-heartedly mentioned it to Mat, I pointed out it’s flaws … but we kept talking. I told him some of the good things about it. He decided he wanted to see it. We went that same day and decided it had potential, we prayed about it “for an hour” (Cari said we had to go home and pray about it, and get back to her ASAP because of this crazy housing market, other offers would be coming in!).
It’s no coincidence that we already had a buyer lined up for our condo, so the “selling” side was no problem. It’s no coincidence that this particular house went under contract just before we came home from our road trip, but fell out of contract about a week later. It’s no coincidence that Cari had our offer accepted before competing offers came in (we could never compete in a multiple offer situation) for $10,000 under asking price. That the entire process only took 3 weeks, from the offer being accepted to picking up the keys?? Nothing short of a miracle that was gift-wrapped by God, just for us. We negotiated with our buyer to rent back the condo from her for 6 weeks so we wouldn’t have to live in the chaos we were creating. Another huge blessing!
After taking possession of the house, the first thing I did was hook a chain up to our SUV and started pulling out the boxwood shrubs along the front and down the side yard. It was totally exhausting and totally rejuvenating! The first thing the guys did was pull out all the carpet and tear out the kitchen. I had friends come and help me pull up hundreds of concrete blocks all over the yard. The Elders Quorum president, Paul S., came and talked to us one Sunday about getting ward members on a schedule to come help with some of the heavy labor. That was a sight to see! Men pulling out carpet from the entire upstairs. We had members in the ward that would come help me strip 50 year old wall paper off all the walls upstairs. The men ripped out the kitchen and knocked out the back wall so we could expand it by 2 feet (it doesn’t sound like a lot, but it made a huge difference!). As we got close to our move-out deadline, I was panicking because the kitchen was so far from finished. My friend, Kelly K, told me we didn’t need to worry about that because we could eat dinner at their house every night until we had a functioning kitchen. Another friend, Dawnette C., came and spent days and days with me, running errands and helping with projects that needed to be done. One Sunday, Mat sat in Priesthood and started counting the brothers who had been at our house helping us. He counted 34. That’s only the men in the ward, there were nearly as many women that helped us. Amazing and miraculous!
Second: I learned pretty early on that, with stage 4 cancer, I qualified for social security disability. But the thought of going through the government bureaucracy didn’t excite me so I put it off. After a few months I finally decided to get online and see what it was about. I found the application and spent an hour filling it out and submitted. THE NEXT MORNING I got a call from a guy from Social Security. He asked me a bunch of questions that made me wonder if he was a scammer stealing my identity! He clarified dates, diagnosis, when the disability began, etc. I asked him if he wanted medical records, he said he didn’t need them (what?!) and he would get everything submitted right away. He said he was really sorry about my diagnosis and wished me the best.
I honestly didn’t expect anything to happen for months, government bureaucracy and all. But just three weeks after the initial call, I had 6 months backpay deposited into our checking account. We were shocked! Nothing short of a miracle and God’s Tender Mercies! I get enough every month that I don’t have to work, another huge blessing!
Third: Our insurance year begins September 1st and ends August 31st. My friend in the stake works at Huntsman helping coordinate assistance programs for patients. Her coworker in the same office coordinates chemo co-pay assistance. The co-worker helped me find the website for the Herceptin copay card and fill out the application, and I got the copay card. The miracle in all of this is that the first procedure I did after our plan year started was chemo. So my entire out of pocket maximum ($5000) was paid by the pharmaceutical copay program!
If I had had any other procedure before that chemo, a CT scan, hormone shots, office visit, or anything else, we’d be on the hook. My first bill this plan year from Huntsman showed the entire balance was Herceptin. $4,970 was paid by this copay program. So, once again, things fell into place exactly like they needed to for our blessing.
Fourth: The first 20 weeks of treatment were brutal. It wiped me out, gave me taste distortion, I lost a bunch of weight because I couldn’t stand to eat anything. But the hardest trial I was given the last 15 months is a reaction to Perjeta, one of the infusion drugs. As I went through the blog to remind myself of all the great things that have happened (to do this project), I saw that it was the end of January last year (2018) that I started talking about itching all over my body. It was a reaction from Perjeta. For the first few months, I would justify that “chronic itch is better than chronic pain.”
But I changed my mind after a few more months. I was so miserable, everywhere I went, I was constantly scratching my arms, my neck, my shoulders, and my legs. It was impossible to settle down to get to sleep, I’d be awake until 2 or 3 in the morning, trying to wrap up in my blanket tight to stop scratching. That meant I didn’t get out of bed until 11, noon, or later. My sleep schedule got so whacked out. In December (2018) I was at the lowest I’ve ever been. I went in to see Annie, the worlds greatest social worker, who was obviously concerned about it. She recommended I see a specific psychiatrist at Huntsman who could help me manage medication so I could find some relief AND I should also see Annie the Acupuncturist downstairs and do some sessions with her. After 2 sessions with Annie, I could tell my itching was going away. After the third acupuncture? Totally Resolved. I felt myself come back. I was missing the old me! I wanted so badly to feel good! And it happened. Another tremendous blessing!
Fifth: I had my most recent scan one week ago (January 14, 2018). The next day I got a voice mail from my oncologist saying, “I got the results from your scan, they all look GREAT! The main change is in the liver. They can barely see anything in the liver anymore. One thing they can see is a collection of blood vessels (called hemangioma), but as far as the cancer, that is essentially RESOLVED.” I was shocked. Stunned! It didn’t seem real! It’s surreal to think that all my doubts, the tears, stress, and heartache I’ve felt over the last 15 months could be resolved. Now, the “realistic optimist” in me says my cancer isn’t “cured”. My routine won’t change, my chemo treatments are still every three weeks, labs, hormone injections on a schedule, and I’ll still have scans every three months. But to have this reprieve, knowing that for now, things are good — Miraculous.
I’ve attempted to put into words the ways we’ve seen the hand of the Lord in our lives over the last nine years. It’s hard to articulate all of the miracles and blessings we’ve seen. I can honestly say that I don’t regret one bit having to go through cancer. It hasn’t been easy, but I can easily say that Heavenly Father balances it all out. When hardship comes, our burdens are eased and made lighter, often in unexpected ways. I will forever be grateful for those that have used their own hands to fulfill His work. We are forever changed and eternally grateful.
Kim Ulmer
completed January 23, 2019
