Damn Cancer

It's taken me a long time to get this update posted.  I've been in a funk for a while, just feeling discontented and confused about the meaning of my cancer journey.  One of the hard things about what I have to deal with is knowing that my time is short, relative to most other people.  People ask me all the time how I am.  Generally just say "I'm good ...?" That probably frustrates those who ask because I'm answering from a "physically" standpoint.  Physically, I have cancer in my ribs on both sides, and in my left hip and femur.  Emotionally?  I'm a mess.  I feel frantic about making sure my kids are in a good spot before I go.  I'm a bit of a control freak and want to make sure my kids lives are in order, meaning MY interpretation of how their lives should look. I don't know why, I've never been able to control how their lives look!  I told one of my children recently that I tend to "preach" because I feel compelled to try to cram 30 years of advice into a short period of time.  It is so hard to contemplate what is coming.

I had my scans yesterday and was surprised to get 2 of 3 results back last night.  After reading those, I was pretty confident that I'm still in a good place.  But the third one came today.  It was the chest CT scan, and this is what it says:

Unchanged 1 cm left axillary lymph node (series 2 image 23). An additional left axillary lymph node appears increased from prior, now measuring 9 mm, previously 3 mm (series 2 image 26).

 

There is a new left anterior chest wall mass between the third and fourth anterior ribs, associated with infiltrative sclerotic lesion of the left fourth rib. This mass measures approximately 5.1 x 3.1 cm (series 2 image 58) and appears to contact the underlying pleural surface. There is increased size of underlying pleural nodule measuring 4 mm, previously 2 mm (series 2 image 71).

 

There is a new nondisplaced fracture of the left sixth posterior rib (series 2 image 59), corresponding to uptake on nuclear medicine bone scan. Unchanged fractures of the left posterior fifth rib and right posterior eighth rib. Unchanged healing fracture of the right posterior eighth rib associated with sclerotic lesion.

What does that mean?  One lymph node has tripled in size.  There is a "mass" growing between the 3rd and 4th ribs, growing into the 4th rib and extending to the chest wall, and several fractured ribs.  The CT scan picks up fast growing cells, fractures and metastasis look very similar on the scans. Often they can see a problem, but can't pinpoint which it is.  If it gets bigger scan to scan, it's cancer.  If it is stable over time, it's a fracture (fractures make the bones more vulnerable to cancer infiltration - neither scenario is great).  SO, THAT'S SUPER CRAPPY!!!  I haven't talked to my oncologist yet, hopefully Monday.  My best guess is that chemo treatments will change to try to attack it from another angle.  With that comes a whole new set of side effects and concerns.

I haven't had significant progression since I started this adventure almost 4 years ago.  So these scan results feel like a gut punch.  I knew it would happen eventually, it does for everyone.  The great thing is I have many friends who have walked this path before. I get a great deal of support from them, but also from friends who have never experienced cancer before, but have gone through other very hard trials.  Everyone has them ... this just happens to be mine.  One HUGE blessing is that in all these years since I started cancer (end of November 2009, kids were 12, 9, 5, and 5 months), I had very little consistent cancer pain (only my hip in 2020) ... and I don't have pain now.  It's crazy to know that those cells are growing uncontrolled inside me. My scans just 3 months ago didn't show any of this.

We've had a very busy summer.  There's never enough time to accomplish all the projects that need to be done.  We're getting our basement ready to rent.  We have a short term renter moving in while she's looking for her next house, even though the basement is far from finished!  We still have a mess in the hallway, living room and kitchen.  Two bedrooms and the bathroom/laundry are done.  I guess that's something!  

I'm going to post some pictures from all of our trips this summer. Scroll through if you want to!  We've seen a lot of beautiful things!

This is fireweed, it's all over the parts of Alaska we
visited.  I asked Annette why they don't sell it in
nurseries there.  She said "It's a weed!"  It may be
a weed but I'd plant it everywhere!

Our first night in SoCal.  We missed the only amazing
sunset we'd see that week because I couldn't find
parking in Laguna Beach!  Every other night
was foggy.  This trip was just me and Brooklyn 
and totally worth it! 

We spent a few glorious days at my sister's amazing cabin 
in Huckleberry Bay, Priest Lake, northern Idaho.  It's about
as perfect as a house can get, lakeside, private beach, boat dock,
beautiful cabin surrounded by forest and huckleberries and wild
animals.  McK would gladly stay there forever if that was an option! 

I won't take credit for this photo, Mel took it.  
This is the view she and Pat put to bed every night.

This is Mel, my sister and Pat, her husband.  
We're so grateful for their hospitality!

We went on a mile hike up to these cedars. 
Worth. Every. Step.  Standing among those
trees, and in that forest, you feel really small
and so amazed at the beauty and peace all around you.

I love this picture too.  Again, Mel took it. They found
this eagle nest along the lakeshore and took a bunch of
pictures before those birds flew.  I love that Mom is a
little blurry in the background, but watching over her little
ones intently. You can bet if any danger came near,
she'd be there in a second with talons flared, ready to
defend her babes. Can we relate to that as Moms?  
I sure can.  I just want my little fledglings to be safe and
happy as they leave they nest, and be safe and happy
as they grow into adults.  But momma eagles, like human
mommas have to let those babies go and trust that they've
learned everything they need to know to survive in the world.  
For human mommas, sometimes it's hard to let them go.

I'm obsessed with huckleberries.  I was first introduced
last summer when I stopped by my cousin Ruths house
in Coeur d'Alene.  She made huckleberry lemonade
for us, which was so tasty! I found a guy from Canada
on Etsy this year and ordered 10 pounds from him.  
Huckleberries aren't cheap because they are so labor
intensive to harvest and process.  Every single berry
has to be hand picked.  It might have been my most
extravagant purchase this summer.  But compared to
buying 2 pounds from him, it was a great deal!!! 😂
I sure hope he really sends me my huckleberries!
  

Nothing like a little kayaking on the Little Spokane River
on a beautiful, sunny day!

Mat dropped me off in Spokane on the way home,
so I could spend a few days with Belinda, my twin
from another mother.  We are so much alike, and she
has red hair, and we've both had cancer, and our kids
are about the same age. We met at a breast cancer
retreat for families in Sedona, AZ a couple years ago.
We instantly clicked and I knew it would be a life long thing.

More from Alaska!

Knik River, this is run-off from the glacier we
visited.  I could get used to these views!

Up on Knik Glacier.  It was surprisingly cold - I guess
you can expect that standing near all that ice!  I have my
hood synched up because it was so windy and I was
NOT going to lose my hat!  The standing joke was how
many rocks would Mom get away with taking home?
Maddie said I had to limit it to 5, but I took home 8.
I knew whatever I took had to go in my carry on,
so that made it easier to limit myself.  

Maddie made me carry my rocks in the
hood of the coat so I would feel how
many I really wanted to take home!

This is just an average day in Annettes 
backyard.  The moose wander through all
the time, day and night!  Kind of a novelty
for us city slickers, but still a big deal for
Annette!  She loves the visitors she gets
in her yard.

My amazing daughter, Maddie.  She got to come with
me on this trip because we were supposed to go on a
cruise last year.  When that got canceled, we had
non-transferable flight credit on Delta. So, it had to
be the two of us that used those credits.  I think we did
pretty good switching from the Caribbean to Alaska! 

The remnants of Indepence Mine, an old, early 1900's
gold mine up Hatcher Pass.  Annette's daughter Matea,
Brad and Oliver were with us for a few days too.

Anchorage temple is stage 3, so we got to do a session
together.  This was my first time back to the temple since
before the pandemic.  It's always a sweet experience
to be at the temple.

No trip is complete without a botanical
garden.  😉   I'd never post every picture
I took of flowers and plants, but one I have
to share because it is so beautiful.

The summers are too hot in Utah for this beauty,
I'm sure.  But isn't she GORGEOUS?!?

I'm super grateful we got out this summer and made some memories.  Poor Mat only "got to" come on the trip to the cabin.  He's back at school now.  I always know that by August 1st, he's done for the summer and scrambling to get ready for the school year again.  That's why we crammed so much in, I'm so grateful we did!

p.s. I don't know why there are formatting problems in the middle. It just is!

Another one on the road!

It happened!

I always look forward to my support group that is every other Wednesday, this week was another great chat with my friends!  I mentioned in our conversation how frustrated I was with my hair and that I wanted to just shave it off again.  It seems it has stopped growing and is making me crazy!  Dr. Buys piped in and said, "I could help you with that, Kim!" - meaning she could change my chemo to a drug that causes hair loss.  Chemical induced hair loss is NOT what I had in mind!  There is talk that we'll be able to go back to Huntsman for group.  That will be awesome!

When I think about it, my hair not growing makes perfect sense.  I have NO appetite, I usually just eat once a day because I don't feel hungry.  I drink water constantly (it seems) but I can't seem to drink enough to keep myself hydrated. That's all thanks to almost 4 years of cancer treatments.  I take supplements when I remember, but that can be sketchy too.  My body needs nourishment it's not getting.  I grew spinach this spring and have made a green smoothie or two.  

People ask me all the time how I am.  I wish I had a definitive answer for that!  What you see on the facade is not what is going on inside me.  I feel good about accomplishing one thing a day + dinner.  If I can do that, it's a good day.  Some days all I can do is flip through channels and nap.  Sometimes people assume I must be in remission because I have hair.  Remission doesn't exist for any stage 4 cancer patient.  Even if things look good (aka "stable") at this moment, it won't last and we never know when it will change.  When scans roll around every three months, there is a lot of internal worry and stress - "my quarterly panic attack".  You never know when progression will happen.  I worry a lot about my family, especially the littlest who has so much anxiety all the time worrying about losing me.  I worry about Mat who seems to be thinking through what all of this will mean.  I heard him say he'll retire from teaching at 30 years (2024?  2025?) and then take a year off before returning to teaching in another capacity.  I mourn the things I will miss in my family's lives.  Some days I feel melancholy and can't really put my finger on why.

I don't usually have much on my schedule and try to get out with friends when I can.  Last week on Monday I went to dinner with my life long friend, Diana. We went to Olive Garden and then sat in my car and laughed about stuff for the next two hours. 😂  I had to retell the story about when I drove off with the gas pump at Costco, still running and attached to my car, how I saw the hose in my rear view mirror bounce back like a giant rubber band, and how I wondered what in the heck the guy in the car behind me was thinking!  That was the week I was diagnosed stage 4.  This week I had lunch with Sharla.  We went to a new place she found in Syracuse that has South American food, pupusas specifically. So good!  She's one of my gardening buddies, we love talking plants!

Mat's final concert was Wednesday night.  It was SO GREAT!  It was the first concert that felt "normal" after more than a year of crazy.  He's done a great job adjusting his Choir program to conform to covid mandates and managed to hang onto and recruit students for the program.  He's a dang rock star!

McKinley had a complete meltdown last night.  She was upset about her braces, she was upset about her volleyball playing, she was upset about school.  She is terrified about going to the dentist and orthodontist. She has an appointment at the Ortho tomorrow, that probably has a lot to do with her emotions this weekend.  When she was little, I would have to sit her on my lap so the dentist could count her teeth.  She would clamp her jaw shut and not let him in.  After a couple years of that, she would sit in the chair by herself, but still wouldn't open her mouth much and pushes dental instruments out with her tongue.  Imagine what it's like to take her for Ortho appointments!

Last night we went on a walk so she could calm down.  We walked around the block and stopped to sit on our neighbors retaining wall in the shade.  I've learned that I just need to ask a lot of questions and then listen.  She's a very black and white thinker, everything is either perfect or a catastrophe.  After a few minutes of talking things through, Kelly came around the corner - it's her wall!  She could see that McK was struggling and came and gave her a long hug.  She invited us to go sit on her patio and brought out Creamies and bundt cake for us.  She seriously made my day.  Kelly knows what's going on here, her family is very helpful and inclusive of our girls.

Life feels a little hard right now, please keep us in your prayers!

Scans, Ambien, Michelle

I got the results of my bone and CT scan.  Things look good!  There are always little changes that they'll watch on future scans, but overall Dr. Buys is happy with the relative stability I've had on Herceptin.  When I hear about side effects of some of the drugs my friends in group move to, I'm grateful for Herceptin too!

... peacefully sleeping right where my feet go ...

I've had in my head that I wanted to rearrange our bedroom.  I'm not going to lie, it's because I have too many houseplants and I don't know where to put them all!  I'll move the dresser back under our big window for my medium light plants. 

The other night, I was in a bit of a panic because I had picked up two prescriptions from Smiths, and I was sure one of them was Ambien.  I've been taking Ambien for so long that it would take weeks or months for my brain to wean off of it.  The panic set in when I couldn't find the refill.  I literally tore our room apart in the wee hours of the morning.  I went through every drawer in places that made no sense.  I moved furniture around so I could see under and through everything.  I was gearing up for seeing Dr. Buys the next day, trying to figure out the great story I would tell her about why I needed a refill for the drug she just refilled.  Thankfully, I got a text from the pharmacy that morning before I saw her, telling me I had something ready to pick up.  So before I made a complete fool of myself, I called the pharmacy to see what the refill was.  You guessed it.  It was my Ambien.  Our bedroom is still torn up - maybe tomorrow, with Mat home, we'll get it put back together again.  😂

In other news, I got a call on Sunday from my friend Michelle.  We talked for a long time about what's going on with her health, where she lives now, etc.  We had a "falling out" a couple of years ago.  With everything that was going on with me, it was easy to walk away and wash my hands of it.  I just didn't have any more emotional strength to continue trying to help her.  I'm feeling the same now, stretched a little thin with my cancer and the worry that comes with it.  She desperately wants me back, but she's vulnerable and sick.  It's not going to get better from here, for either one of us.  So I'm contemplating what to do, how to handle that.

I wanted to say one more thing about the retreat we went on three weeks ago.  After 3 glorious days of classes and workshops, they always do a talent show on Friday night.  There were 4 of us that agreed we'd sing something together, and when going through the music they have in the lodge, we came across the piano book for "Wicked".  I mentioned how much I LOVE the song, "For Good".  I haven't listened to it for a long time, but that's what we decided to do.  As we're practicing with Mat at the piano, and we're belting out our very best Kristin and Idina, the words got to me because they have a totally different meaning to me now.  I choked up and said I didn't know if I could get through it!  But we went ahead.

The lyrics to this dang song I love, that brought more weeping than singing:

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So, let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
By being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done, you blame me for

But then I guess
We know there's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore
Like a comet pulled from orbit (like a ship blown from its mooring)
As it passes the sun (by a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder (like a seed dropped by a bird)
Halfway through the wood (in the wood)
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better

And because I knew you

Because I knew you

Because I knew you ... I have been changed ... For good

Again, I love the sentiment of this song, especially now with my damn body fighting against itself.  SO MANY PEOPLE have changed me for the better.  That is something I'm eternally grateful for.  We get through our trials with the help of those around us. We are Christs hands on earth, doing His work.  What a journey I'm on, a confusing, maddening, blessed, depressing, exhausting journey.  I'm grateful for Every. Single. Day!

You'll never regret being kind.

 I haven't written in a long time.  Not sure why!

I would say I'm an artistic person in certain ways.  I can see in my head what I want to do in my garden, but I can't do pencil drawings of people and kids like my Mom did.  One thing I'm really into right now is acrylic paint pouring.  I came across a video and then watched many videos, mesmerized and decided I needed to learn how to do it!  This method is perfect for me, because I can let go of the artistic perfectionism I hold onto in other parts of my life.  This was my first painting that worked well and I really like it, just did this last week.  Now that I have all the supplies and have a handle on the process, I'll be doing lots more of these!  You never know how they are going to turn out, what colors will pop out, if "cells" will pop out, etc.  You can have a plan, and then it can turn out totally different from what you had in your mind.  It's good for helping my mind to be flexible.  Heck, you can always repaint over the canvas if it doesn't turn out the way you want!

Mat and I went on a couples retreat at Quickwater Ranch a couple weeks ago.  The retreats are held in Victor, ID and are organized by the Jacobsen family.  They have retreats throughout the year for couples, families, teens, Moms.  I was "on top of it" enough that I got applications for a couple of retreats mailed in on time!  That's something, isn't it?  I told Mat in January that NOT getting those days off wasn't an option!  We couldn't leave until after Mats festival performances, so we left about 9:00 p.m. and drove as far as Pocatello and stayed in a hotel.  About half way there, the car door started making a horrendous noise, I knew that driving it was making whatever the problem was worse.

Back Story:  After we hit the deer in January, we had the car fixed at Bountiful Collision. When we went south for spring break, driving consistent, fast speeds, it sounded like the driver side door wasn't closed tight - a little too much wind coming through! I kept asking Mat if his door was shut tight! 

Wednesday morning I called Bountiful Collision from the hotel to see what we could do.  I wasn't sure we should drive one more mile with the dreadful noise it was making!  Without hesitation, the guy I talked to on the phone told me that he was on his way, that he would tow a rental car up for us to use, and tow ours to the shop to fix while we were gone.  He must be one of the owners, he's at least heavily invested in doing great work and making people happy!  Honestly, I was shocked ... but not surprised after I thought about it.  We've always had them fix damage to cars, and they stand behind what they do!  We've always been happy with them!

So we arrived 3 hours late to the retreat, but going was a perfect way to fill my proverbial tank.  We attended workshops and classes over 4 days, worked together on teams, some people we'd never met, to prepare and clean-up meals. I taught a painting class at the retreat, I think people really got into it like I have, even some Dads!  It got wheels spinning about how to incorporate this kind of painting into their family life - McK loves to do it with me!  It was really fun to teach and we got great paintings from everyone. 

Friday night we had an energetic conversation with some of the couples at the retreat.  We stayed up until about 1 a.m. talking mostly about the hard things we face with our teenagers, but lots of other things too. I get a little hypersensitive when talking about kids who "stray".  We have a child who identifies in the LGBTQ, revealed to us when the child was 16.  I have learned over the years as we've worked through this that all our child really needs is LOVE.  The child (trying to protect privacy ... not sure I'm doing a great job!) was sure there would be an immediate eviction from our house when we found out.  There was a lot of stress for a while, but my mind was opened and calmed after we went to a presentation by Richard Ostler at Bountiful High--look him up!  Because all that's really needed is LOVE and PATIENCE and ACCEPTANCE.  As parents we are obligated to provide temporal and physical needs, to teach correct principles/morals/values in the home, and to love these kids unconditionally, and have faith that they can ... and they will find their way.

I feel very strongly that we should never look at a person and make a judgement about whether or not they deserve our love.  Heavenly Father loves all people, regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, addiction, economic or housing status, and all the other boxes we put people in ...!  Now, am I perfect?  Heck no.  But since going through this in our family, with a child that felt ostracized from members of our church, I am much more aware of it and try hard to resist putting judgements on people different from me.  We need all people to feel welcome at church, or in the neighborhood, or at school, or at work, or on public transportation, or anywhere else.  As Christians and members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we follow Christ, right? So let's have a collective "come to Jesus" moment regarding what happens in our neighborhoods and churches, and make sure that anyone that is different from us feels welcomed and accepted and loved unconditionally.  Really, until things change on the societal level, we are falling short. (Other than that, I don't have any strong opinions on the subject 😂)

On Saturday, we rushed home because we needed to go pick up our new 7 month old puppy who started as Gemma, morphed to Bella, but we landed on Marley. We haven't had to deal with potty training, she picked up on the dog door pretty quickly.  Pyper is definitely "Alpha" in this situation.  Marley tolerates that side of it, but loves to play outside with Pyper, go on walks and go to the dog park.  She's about 3 - 4 pounds heavier than Pyper and has a beautiful red, curly coat.  She's just figured out that it's OK to be on the couch and on the beds, though the two sleep in a kennel together, and hang out together in the kennel if I have to run errands.  We are her "guardians", meaning that when she goes into heat, I'll take her to the breeder and they'll do their business, then she'll come back for about 2 months, then go back there to deliver and feed babies for 8 weeks.  We do that for 4 litters, then she's ours ... free of charge (other than expenses we'd have anyway if she was our dog).  

Could anyone look at that face
and NOT want to take her?

My scans are next week.  Bone scan Monday, CT scan Thursday, meeting with the oncologist on Friday.  I'm a little worried about hips on both sides.  There has been some hard stuff happen in our support group with my terminal people I love.  It's so hard to see the progress cancer makes, despite our best efforts!  I worry especially about my cousin Carlie, who has Inflammatory Breast Cancer, the rarest form of breast cancer, and the hardest one to treat efficiently. Love you Carlie! Keep your chin up and never stop fighting!

Aunt Yvonne

 I have no business being up this late updating the blog, but it seems that I do my best writing after 1 a.m. Eek!  

I found out tonight that my Aunt Yvonne (my Dads sister) died today.  I think she was up to 98 years old?  I've lost track of how many birthdays she's had!  She's been a widow for about 30 years (again, I'm guessing - it's been a long time!)  She lived in Cedar City in the same house for most of her married and widowed life.  I believe her husband built the house I've been to so many times.  She was always so cheerful and interested in what we were doing, whether we were 10 or 40.  Every time we went there she would go to the kitchen cabinet and pull out tootsie pops for each of the kids. I love you Auntie!  I will see you again!

I just listened to one of my favorite conference talks by Elder Holland, "The Ministry of Angels" (Oct. 2008).  He talks about angels seen and unseen whose "job" it is to bless us when we need it, and how we can be a blessing to others when blessings are needed, if we are in tune and LISTENING to promptings from the spirit.  She was one of those angels for me.  I always knew that no matter the angst I had in my pubescent life, or how much tension there was with my parents, she was a reliably bright and sunny angel who always lifted my spirits. 

I love this song, often go to sleep listening to it over and over again, all night long.  When my mind is going 90 mph into the wee hours (like tonight), I can calm down by listening to this and get to sleep.

"May the Good Lord Bless and Keep you".

a couple more great things

On Thursday my father in-law (Don) had an appointment for the vaccine at the assisted living place he lived in until last September.  He passed out and the staff found him on the floor one morning.  On getting released from the hospital the next day, he was very upset about having to go back to that place and quarantine in his room because he left the facility.  So, the siblings stepped up and we've been caring for him ever since.  I think they've lost a lot of residents (probably most facilities have) and seem almost desperate to do anything they can to get him back!  The staff really likes him there!

I learned at Huntsman that patients like me don't get to jump the line because we are immunocompromised, we just have to wait with everyone else.  That's cool, I'm careful about stuff!  Dons assisted living facility had a mass vaccination day on Thursday for their residents, but after that was done, they had invited a "hand selected" few to come for the vaccine. Don was one of them, and I was his driver. We started talking to a couple that was there for the same thing.  Their Mom lives in Memory Care, they are her caretakers. They are closer to the designated age group than me, but I got thinking ...

When the facility director came in the room, I asked if caretakers could get the vaccine as well, because I am a caretaker and immunocompromised on top of it!  The guy we were talking to in the hall was getting his vaccination at that moment, sleeve pulled up ready to go.  When I said that, he said, "No, wait.  I want to give my vaccination to her.  I can wait!" I was stunned and so grateful.  He insisted I take it.  I thanked him profusely.  As bad as Don's memory is, he remarked again today about how great it was that we both got the vaccination, that the man was willing to give up his so I could have mine.  The facility still gave him the shot as well.

After we left the facility, I was headed down 3900 S. towards the freeway.  The area was familiar to him and asked me if we could do something, ... to go there.  I figured out he was talking about the cemetery where his wife, Betty is buried (even though he didn't say any of those words).  Of course!  I should have thought of it myself!  I told him I would do my best to find her grave, if I could find one landmark, then I knew where she was.  I pulled up to the spot and went to make sure we were in the right place.  I found her headstone (they are almost all flat, very simple grave markers) and called for him to come.  He jumped out of the car, tears welling up in his eyes and came over to see it.  I asked him if he wanted to talk to her for a minute, he declined that, but he was so grateful to be there for with her a few minutes. 

We talked to a nurse practitioner yesterday that approved him for hospice care again. Dementia by itself isn't a qualifying ailment for hospice.  But dementia in addition to vascular disease is.  He has all the signs for vascular disease (including a heart attack in 2019), so she had no problem re-enrolling him.  That will be a great thing for us!

Tender Mercies

I had my support group today (virtual).  There is a new lady in group,  her first time joining us was two weeks ago.  She was newly diagnosed stage 4 in October of last year. Not the best way to put an exclamation point on an already crappy year! 

The topic in group two weeks ago was “heavy”, so I was unsure of what her reaction might have been about all of it.  Todays group was open, we could talk about whatever we wanted. She asked a lot of questions and members of the group gave her information and insights based on our experience.  It occurred to me towards the end of the meeting that I should reach out over a private message and tell her that if she needed to talk, I was her girl and left my phone number.

We hadn’t been logged out of group 90 seconds before my phone rang, I knew it was her. I can’t even describe what goes through a relatively young moms mind when a terminal diagnosis is received! She’s overwhelmed, depressed and questioning if God really knows what’s best for her and her family—I remember that feeling well.  We talked for a long time.  I shared my story, she talked about how she and her family are handling everything.  I assured her that they would get through it, that all the emotion she and her family are feeling is totally normal, and they will come to terms with it.  AND every ounce of confusion, and anger, and questioning Gods plan for you and dealing with those emotions, are part of the process of grieving.  You have to grieve losing what you had “before cancer” and you have to come to grips with what cancer may/will take away from you.

Why is it that sometimes we go through trials that seem unbearable, we do all the right things, but God seems so far from us?  I had to learn that I’m not in control of my ship, I had to learn that part of Gods plan for me and my family was my facing terminal cancer, and we needed to do it with as much gratitude, patience, grace and love as possible. 

My perspective has completely changed. What used to be important wasn’t important anymore.  I began looking closely at my home, conflict with kids and other relationships to see who was dragging us down and who was building us up.  I’ve learned the only way through all this is to lay it at the feet of Christ and trust that everything that’s happened has happened for a reason—that I don’t yet fully understand.  But I love and trust God enough to know that this isn’t about me, it isn’t about my family.  It’s about HIS plan for us and about what we need to learn through this experience, how we can bless and help others going through the same thing. I love HIM for lightening my burden (Mosiah 24:14-15) and helping us move forward in life, even though there are lots of question marks still.

Now, I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I had another experience a couple of weeks ago that I want to share, just so I have a record of it!  

I went grocery shopping today. We have 2 Smiths markets in Bountiful, one close to home, the other across town. I usually go to the one close to home, but today I went to the one across town because I knew they would have something (an immersion blender) that isn’t at the one close to home. 

There is almost always someone with a sign on the corner of the one close to me.  A while back, it was an older man that looks an awful lot like my Dad. He was sitting on a walker seat (you know that type of walker where you can turn around and sit on it?) and I noticed he had a catheter bag that his pants didn’t cover all the way. My Dad had a catheter too. 

The first time I saw him, I couldn’t stop because it’s a busy turn and I didn't have cash so I just kept going. His sign said he needed help with rent and he is taking care of 3 grandkids.  Today, he was at the other Smiths farther from home. When I pulled in the parking lot, I saw him on the exit side. I hoped he would still be there when I got done. 

I pulled into a spot, parked and got out. I had the thought to look to make sure I had my list. But I couldn’t find it. I was so annoyed!  I texted Brooklyn to see if she could find it at home. She couldn’t. So I kinda huffed and got back in the car to go home so I could find it sitting there in plain sight.  I only got a few blocks away when I thought to check the zippered middle section of my purse. Guess what?!  The only thing I keep in there is bandaids! But that’s where I put my grocery list, zippered in. 

So I turned around and pulled back into the parking lot. Because he was on the “exit” side, I flipped around and unrolled my window. He shuffled over, I said “I want to help you today” and I handed him a fifty dollar bill. But then I had to pull back onto the street like I was leaving. So I flipped around again and went back into the parking lot so I could do my shopping. When I passed him coming back in, I could tell he was counting the money with one hand behind the sign. So I hope the money he got today was enough to “keep the wolf from the door” as my Mom used to say. He was gone by the time I finished. 

Mat gives me a specific amount each month for groceries. Honestly?  It’s more than I need, but don’t tell him!  That’s how I can do stuff like that. ❤️  I've always had a heart for "giving", my dream job would be in Philanthropy! I've learned that we never need to worry about having enough when we are generous with what we have. I don't give every person on the corner money, but when the Spirit tells me to, I do. In this example at Smiths, I had seen the man on one or the other corner several times over the past months, but this time, everything aligned itself beautifully and worked out perfectly.

Neither one of these experiences was a coincidence.  Both were orchestrated beautifully by God over periods of time - but I couldn't see it until after they both happened.  I'm SO GRATEFUL! 

Mat and I flew to Arizona Saturday and flew home Sunday with his Dad.  He'll be staying with us until the end of February.  When he moved in with us in October, the family got him on hospice and he stabilized to the point where Mats siblings flew him to Arizona to stay with his sister.  The assisted living place where he lived until September has basically been begging to have him come back, but he's not quite ready.  He gets his first shot tomorrow (today).  Maybe after his second shot he'll feel confident enough to go back.

Bring on 2021!

We had a great time in Arizona, I loved seeing my cousin, We brought home at least 40 pounds of citrus picked on a UPick farm in Sunshine, AZ!  We got 2 big, nice grapefruit in the bunch.  My Alaskan friend Annette told me recently she loved grapefruit, so my wheels started turning.  I got one of our recycled Christmas boxes, packed it tight with those grapefruit and shipping peanuts, and sent it off.  I told her she had something coming, I thought it would be delivered by Wednesday, but it wasn't delivered until today.  I was afraid they would be frozen and mushy, but they arrived in great shape and she was HAPPY! And I was too.  😁

On our drive home, we went all the way through because Maddie had a wedding the next day.  Somewhere in the Panguitch / Parawan area on Hwy. 89 we hit a deer. None of us saw it coming, except McKinley caught site for a brief second before we took it out.  Mat pulled over to look at the damage and take pictures.  There is course deer hair caught in the trim on the door.  Our front bumper, the side panel, the headlight, and the door will all have to be fixed.  Thankfully, our insurance will cover it!  

McKinley is our first kid who has needed braces.  Her teeth are really messed up! Her 12 year molars are sideways, pushing into the teeth in front of them, she has one incisor that came in above the other permanent teeth on top, and she has a permanent tooth on the bottom that just doesn't want to come up!  She had to have that baby tooth (related to the permanent tooth that doesn't want to come up) cut in half and removed because the roots were wrapped around the permanent tooth under it. The cost of that anesthesia was worth every penny!

She's been really nervous about having to get braces. She doesn't like going to the dentist either!  When she was younger (3 and 4ish), she refused to open her mouth for the dentist to even count her teeth-forget doing a cleaning on them! I had to sit her on my lap for all dental appointments. I still sit really close so she can squeeze me hand.

She's really struggled because the wires poke her cheeks and she has sores.  The wax frustrates her, especially when she's hurting. We've been giving her ibuprofen and having her rinse her mouth with Biotene.  That's what I use when I have mouth sores from the chemo.  She could use some prayers, for her anxiety about all of this, and for the pain from the sores in her mouth.  Poor girl, she's been through the ringer this week!

Wrapping up 2020 - gladly!

I'll start with Christmas and the activities before it.  My focus in the week or two before Christmas was doing the "Secret Santa" project that Mat made possible on my birthday. He had saved $100 a month from our already tight budget (my birthday is in August), and gave me a birthday card with 8 crisp hundred dollar bills in it - with the caveat that I use it to bless people around Christmas.  I am very inspired by those Secret Santa videos where Santas go out anonymously and hand out hundred dollar bills to unsuspecting, random people.  I am also very aware of the needs at the food bank this year, the need has gone up 300% due to Covid. I found out what the Bountiful Food Bank was in desperate need of, then went shopping and bought a whole bunch of supplies and specific food items for them.  Then I went out with my sister and did the secret santa thing at a couple of locations.  That was SUPER COOL! The only picture I got related to it was my sister giving money to a woman sitting at a bus stop in a snow storm. I hope she's OK I posted her picture, can't really see her or the lady, but that was awesome!  One lady I gave $ to said that she was OK, she didn't need it. I told her it was for her, but if she wanted to pay it forward, that was totally great.  I had 2 bills left after me and my sister went, so I took Mat with me to give those out.  He was nervous about what to say and how to do it, which is funny coming from a teacher who has worked with thousands of kids he didn't know at first!  I think we're starting a new tradition! 

Christmas at our house was great!  Isaac came and we had a great lunch, then opened presents.  We have a tradition of the kids buying presents for each other from Dollar Tree.  It's always hilarious to see what they pick out for each other!  We don't go crazy, but everyone was happy.  Maddie bought pajamas at Petco for all the kids and Pyper, they were all going to match, but we held off too long and did the best we could with what they had. Pyper did NOT dig her pj's!  She tolerated it long enough for the picture.

Carley and Cricket

It's been really nice spending time with Jeanne (Mats sister) and fam, and his Dad.  He was very happy to see us and it's been great to spend time with him and go on walks with him.  Yesterday, the kids went with them to a "U-Pick" citrus farm, so we're bringing home 2 big bags of oranges, a few lemons and some grapefruit - picked yesterday!  While they did that, Mat and I drove to Sierra Vista to visit my cousin who was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer, after already having MS and a seizure disorder.  She has many worries and stresses and I was glad to be able to talk to her for a couple of hours.  We talked about ways she can "fill her bucket", what she can do to make sure she's taking care of her emotional / spiritual needs. One thing she loves to do is visit her friends horses, so I told her to do that - everyday if she needs to!  Unfortunately, we forgot to get a picture together, but she did send me pictures of her with her favorite horse she saw later in the day.  I was super happy to see that!

Having 2020 in the rear view mirror makes me happy!  I know we're not done with COVID yet, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  It's really been one of the toughest times in my life, so much change, uncertainty, "fake news" and isolation.  In some ways it's been a real eye opener, made me see where progress needs to be made, how there's a real need for spiritual and physical preparation because the future is so uncertain.  If at least 80% of my friends could please get the vaccine, I'd be forever grateful!

2020 - the year that lasted 10

When I think back to the beginning of this year, it seems like it was so long ago.  It seems impossible that it was a short 10 months ago when the world turned upside down, all at once!  I've struggled with isolation, online school, the cancellation of everything I felt I needed to stay sane, church, mingling, seeing friends who live "way up" on the other side of the ward, seeing friends in general, depression and anxiety, fear, paranoia, a TP shortage, election drama - throw in an earthquake and hurricane force winds for good measure.  Did I remember everything?  Geez.  I've been a bit obsessive this year about buying TP and hand sanitizer. When I found gallon sized hand sanitizer at Costco for 10 bucks, I decided I'm probably good for now!

I don't know who took this picture, but its a beauty!

In September I passed my 3 year anniversary of stage 4 diagnosis. Three years?!?  How is it possible.  It's been so hard, there have been many sleepless nights and buckets of tears shed.  On a night recently as I pity partied, I had a thought come into my mind that was, "Focus on living, Kim ... not dying." I was grateful to hear those words in that moment when I needed remember that having FAITH in my God, will drive away the fear of the unknown.  I have faith in my doctors and the teams of people at Huntsman that work everyday to do the very best they know to help us get through all aspects of the cancer experience. 

Good things have come out of cancer too.  Perspectives and priorities change, people come into your life that you desperately needed, my focus has changed to the people I love - there are a lot of you out there!  I'm so grateful for my people, my kids and Mat, and countless friends out there who have helped me in so many ways. 

As Christmas approaches, I want to spend more time playing Christmas songs really loud while I belt out the lyrics.  I want to get a few things organized, a few projects finished, a few people called.  We look forward with hope for the future.  We are blessed beyond measure.  Thank you for keeping tabs on us!  We love you!