Happy Anniversaries!

It's been so long since I've written, I'm not sure anyone will even see this.  I've needed to put all things "breast cancer" on the back burner for a few months.  I guess not focusing on it was what I needed to do, dealing with the emotions privately and getting back to normal was what I needed to do!  I even skipped Race for the Cure this year, which is the funnest, most inspiring race out there.  I admit I had a tinge of regret when I saw so many friends post their pictures on FB, but it was what I needed to do.

So, my happy anniversary is that one year ago today, I was sitting in a recliner getting my LAST chemo treatment.  I can't believe it's been a year!  It has really been a crazy ride, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I've learned so much, gained so many friends, and seen so many amazing things come together for our family. 

One of the coolest things came out of a half marathon I did last October.  The race was put on by the Pink Series (breast cancer) and was held up in Park City.  Naturally, I felt like I needed to do it and had a couple of the teachers at the kids school do it with me.  Before the race, they sent out an email with some information about the race, including a request for survivor stories.  One of their sponsors, MGS by Design, wanted to donate granite kitchen countertops to one survivor.  They said they would announce the winner at the finish line.  So, I submitted my story.  I'm a postive thinker (attitude is everything!), so from that moment on, my thoughts were about how cool it would be when I got my new kitchen.

I ran the race, all the time thinking I need to hurry to get to the finish line because they were going to make the announcement.  Well . . . they didn't.  They finished up and people started to disperse, and I was thinking, "What about my granite countertops!"  Weeks went by, in fact, it was February 14th when they called to tell me they had picked my story. 

Since our kitchen was the original 1954 completely disfunctional kitchen, we tore into everything and began the long process of redoing everything.  It took 7 weeks from start to finish, but it is the most amazing and wonderful gift we could have received!  I've realized that I really don't mind cooking, when I can spread out and have the room I need to prepare our meals.  I have a desire to have the kids in the kitchen with me, maybe I'll even teach them some things!  I realize now how centrally important the kitchen is to the home.  I'm so grateful to the Pink Series and MGS by Design for making all of it possible.

There is so much to catch up on, I won't remember all the things I want to say.  But I will say that cancer changed me, for the better!  It really makes you realize what is important, your family becomes everything!  I remember after I was diagnosed, I was so overwhelmed.  I just didn't have the energy to worry about "stupid" stuff, like the kids messes, or what I looked like, or how much I crammed into my day.  I remember hoping that when things settled down, that wouldn't change.  I think for the most part (maybe we should ask Mat!) I have been able to keep my priorities straight and stay calm in times I might have lost it before.

Last year, on May 15th, I ran the Ogden Half Marathon.  I'm running the same race this Saturday.  I'm not sure how well I'll do, I haven't trained much for it, but it is so great to be doing it again and remembering the progress that has been made in the last year.  YEAH!!!

Somber Anniversaries

One year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Our  lives were turned upside-down, and while we felt shocked and overwhelmed, we felt comforted that everything would be OK in the end.  While not the hardest thing, but one of the harder things about this journey has been losing my hair.  The night of my first chemo treatment, my friend gathered my 10+ inch long red hair into ponytails.  I had the kids take turns cutting off the ponytails one by one.  I sent my hair to Locks of Love.  We got out the buzzers and my head was left shiny.  On the inside, I was weeping and mourning.  On the outside, I was strong and smiling because I had to be strong for my family.

People have said to me over and over again how strong I am and what an inspiration I have been.  Honestly, I don't think so.  I haven't done anything that anyone else wouldn't do.  Of course, it's all more bearable if you can smile along the way.  It was more bearable for me to "pretend" that my life was just as normal as it had always been.  I tried to just keep doing what I had always done.  Of course I had bad days.  I had days where I couldn't do anything but lay in a fetal position and sleep.  Chemo can really wipe you out!  But I also had good days.  I ran my first two half marathons this year, one was just two days before my last chemo treatment.  I intend to keep that up.  : )

I am six months out from my last chemo and my hair is still so short (but the red is returning!).  That is discouraging.  I was so self-conscious when I first lost my hair.  I always had a hat on and I would scan the crowds when we were out to see if there was anyone else that looked like me.  I got to where I didn't care and would go out with nothing, just shiny.  When people see a person with a shiny head, they know instinctively what is going on.  When I think about how long it might take to get a "hairstyle" again, it makes me sad, but all things will be restored in time.  My thanks to Becky, a cancer friend, who convinced me it was OK to wear baseball caps to church.  What a relief!

My physical healing is just about complete.  The emotional journey is just beginning.  The last two or three weeks have been difficult for me.  As the anniversary approached, I started to feel angry and sad about all that we've been through.  I'll never forget that Nov. 20th I got the "it's probably cancer" and on the 24th I got the official diagnosis.  I'll never forget that Dec. 14th I had my first mastectomy and reconstruction.  I'll never forget that I had more lymph nodes removed on Jan. 8th.  I'll never forget chemo started on Feb. 1st and ended May 17th.  I'll never forget I had my second mastectomy and reconstruction on November 15th. 

Since my diagnosis, I haven't allowed myself to feel anger.  I haven't allowed myself to ask why.  So, a couple of nights ago as I brushed my teeth and looked at my awkward hairdo in the mirror, I burst into tears and cried my eyes out for well over an hour.  It did me a lot of good, quite therapeutic actually.  I really needed to feel the emotions and let them go.

I've been knocked down, but I've gained way more from this experience than I have lost.  In the end, "Why me?" does me no good.  The better question is "Why not me?"  I have met so many incredible people through Cancer Wellness House, Young Survivor Sisters, through friends and acquaintences, and strangers showing their concern.  I have seen so many miracles on our behalf.  I have seen everything fall into place, dozens of people coming to our aid with exactly the right thing for that moment.  All of these things are all I need to know that God knows who we are and is ready to pour out the blessings when we need them the most.

I've had a scripture posted around our house for many months, reminding me daily of that very thing.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all  the will of the Lord.     - Mosiah 24:14-15

I don't know if this is the end of this blog.  It may be some time before I write another post.  In many ways, I want to put it all behind me and move on.  At the same time, we are changed forever.  My thanks and gratitude to everyone that has followed me on this journey.  You have strengthened our family and helped to make getting through this possible.  I can truly say that I am grateful for the experience, not that I am anxious to have more like it, but it has made us better people.  We love you!

Life is crazy!

A few weeks ago, I went to the Survivor Lunch that Komen SLC puts on every year.  I met a group from the Young Survivor Sisters group there, what a bunch of awesome women!  I am grateful I found this group, it's great to be able to talk to people who understand exactly what you're going through.  : )

I saw both my surgeons today in anticipation of surgery on Monday.  I mentioned to my plastic surgeon in passing that I was running a half marathon on Saturday.  She thought it best to put off the surgery a week so I can recover from the race before I have surgery to recover from.  The only problem is November 15th is the first day both surgeons can be there.  Argh.  It's OK, I have to do the half, and I'll be done with everything before the end of the year.

Mat and I went to our choir rehearsal tonight, and I left with my soul bursting with a love for choir music!  We are preparing for a concert in November, not sure of all the details yet, but I'll post them when I know.

I got the word today that our insurance has preauthorized me for a profilactic mastectomy (other side) and reconstruction.  I am so grateful!  That is what I've wanted all along, to have the other side removed.  Why would I want to keep it?!  My surgeon, in doing his job, told me I have a "slightly" higher chance of having cancer pop up there.  Like I want to risk that!  ANY chance of more cancer is too high, seems like a no-brainer to me.  The tissue will come from my backside this time.  : )  Surgery is October 18th.

Sitting in the choir seats

Friday night Mat and I sang with Utah Voices in the Tabernacle at Temple Square.  It was in celebration of Constitution Day, a very patriotic tribute to the greatest document in our country's history.  We sang some awesome songs that filled my soul with a renewed love for music!  I sat there in my seat in the choir loft and looked out over the packed house.  It brought back fond memories of when my parents were in the Tabernacle Choir years ago.  We'd come for concerts or the Sunday morning broadcast and I would wish I could be up there.  I made it!  : )

Friday before the concert, we went to a gallery stroll in South Jordan.  In the spring, when my head was shiny, I had my picture taken for a fundraiser for UCREW (Utah Cancer Resource . . . I forget).  It was amazing to see about 30 peoples pictures and their inspiring stories of how they have plowed through their ordeals.  It was so inspiring to see how people cope and thrive despite a cancer diagnosis!  Here is the picture of me, taken by a young professional photographer who has also been through cancer.  He did awesome! 

Long time, no report!

Thanks to my friend Annette who lives way in in Alaska.  She sent me the link to the first "Pink Glove Dance", which I watched over and over again.  Now, she's sent me a link to "Pink Glove Dance: The Sequel" which includes survivors and hospitals all over the country.  This one is just as cool and must be shared!  http://www.pinkglovedance.com/

My life is completely insane.  I never thought life could feel so busy, and mine hasn't felt like this for a long time.  But with school starting, Brooklyn in Kindergarten half a day, Isaac schooling at home and McKinley, our very sweet little person who likes to climb to the top of everything, and pull everything out of the cupboards and fridge that she can reach, life is busy.  It feels like I hardly get a chance to breathe during the day.

Mat and I joined a group called Utah Voices, directed by Mike Huff.  Oh my heck!  What a great experience!  After just two rehearsals, we have a concert tonight at the Tabernacle in Salt Lake for Constitution Day.  We are singing the coolest music and I can feel my soul being fed and healed.  I determined after I was diagnosed to rethink my life and put it back in alignment with my dreams.  One of my dreams is to sing in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir someday, and this is a great first step for preparing to do that.  I understand the show is sold out, I can't wait!  Pictures to come . . .

How cool is that?!

Camp Kesem: Children of Cancer Patients get a week of care-free, joyous living
(Deseret News, August 21, 2010)

EMIGRATION CANYON — The kids, more than 12 of them, are trying to tie themselves into a single knot, holding hands and laughing like crazy as they step over legs and duck under arms.  It's an exercise in joy, very unlike some of the knots they've been tied in by life.  This is Camp Kesem, a free weeklong summer camp for children who have or had a parent with cancer. The Hebrew word kesem means magic. And the magic here is that cancer does not get center stage. Childhood does.  It's also a place where the counselors not only volunteer but raise the money to pay for everything, relying heavily on the goodwill of individuals, their own ingenuity to come up with clever ideas to attract money and new skills such as grant writing.

BYU student Brian Hansen leads a camp song at Camp Kesem. 
The camp is for children of people who have or have had cancer.

It's about kids — the campers, who are ages 6 to 13, and the counselors who are college age but definitely kids at heart. Camp Kesem is a decade-old national organization with camps attached to 23 universities, says its national program director, Sigall Rave, who was visiting the camp for a couple of days. Rave and a colleague between them visit every camp every summer.

Spencer Ginther climbs onto Camp Kesem counselor Adam Johnson's

back during an activity for Camp Kesem on Thursday.

In Utah, it's Camp Kesem BYU, with all the counselors from BYU, except two who are now doing post-graduate work at the University of Utah. Founded at Stanford University, Camp Kesem not only reaches out to the kids, whose struggle with a parent's cancer is sometimes not well-understood or even noticed outside the family, but it gives the counselors the leadership skills that classrooms alone can't, Rave said.

"We are making a wonderful new group of leaders," she said.

For campers Jolly Rancher, Wolverine and Snoozers, it's all about having a grand time with great friends. In real life, they are Stephanie Held, 13; Brian Chase Raines, 10; and Kanyon Fox, 10. Here, though, both campers and counselors choose the names they want and bury themselves in delights like Snoozer's beloved "Ride That Pony" game or Wolverine's favorite pastime, swimming. He says he doesn't make friends easily at school, but here, he has so many friends.

Campers participate in an activity called the "human knot" at Camp Kesem on Thursday.

And at night, as they wind down, the campers discuss their days in playful terms that may become serious or not. Ask Jolly Rancher three things that would make life perfect and she answers a house that never gets dirty, living underwater and a day spent in the world of her favorite book or movie. Ask one of the children about heroes, though, and you might hear it's "my mom, but she died of cancer last year."

It's held at Camp Kostopulos, and the kids enjoy all that means, from the knotted ropes course to theater in the "bear den" yurt, arts and crafts, sports and swimming.  There are professional advisers, but mostly it's the kids and college-student counselors, who each underwent 30 hours of intensive training, countless sessions of "how will we raise enough money" and this year, with the economy tight, some hard decisions on how many kids they'd have to turn down.  In the end, says Ryan "Boo-yah" Willis, they took 40 and had to turn another dozen away.

Willis headed the recruiting, and they had reached their cap in two weeks. Pumpkin — actually BYU exercise physiology major Alicia Chidester — not only chaired this year's camp but did most of the grant writing, too. She knows all the kids by both their names, and if she slips and uses the real name, she has to kiss a tree. Monday, she kissed seven trees, but her lips have been bark-burn free for two days now.  Her uncle, counselor "Goose," aka Kyle Hartman, a science major, was a Scout whose mom had skin cancer. The camp's a natural fit for him, he says, and the joy comes in watching shy kids "bloom like a flower" by week's end.  Another counselor, Sully, aka Cameron Curtis, is back for a third year because it really is "kesem" or magic.  It's a camp with traditions, like the fact the male counselors let the boys shave their heads. Or the camaraderie and laughter that run nonstop.

For more on the camp or how to donate, visit www.campkesem.org/byu.

Camp Kesem - Day 3! Wild West Day

We are really missing the kids and enjoying how quiet it is around here!  You know how much easier it is to keep a house clean(ish) when there are only two kids here?!?  We've been working hard to get their bedrooms done while they are gone and have made good progress.  : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ5LZoHQXSQ

Kesem - Day 2!

More fun from Kesem!  Resolution isn't great, but you can see the kids.  : )  We miss them!

http://www.youtube.com/campkesembyu#p/u/4/zLkLBM4I1cc

Camp Kesem!

We dropped Maddie and Isaac off at Camp Kesem yesterday.  It is eerily quiet around here and we miss them, but I know they are having a great time!  Camp Kesem is a summer camp for kids who have a parent who has had cancer.  I am so glad I heard about it and got them registered!  We don't pick them up until Saturday and we can't contact them, so indulge me as I post anything I can from their Twitter page this week!  Here is the first video clip.  Watch closely and you'll see them both!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvwk871qes0