I hate sleepless nights!

It's 5 a.m. Sunday morning and I'm still awake, not sure why sleep didn't come for me tonight.  I just got up and cleaned out my closet and drawers of clothes I don't need.  I left Mat a note and told him to come get me during Sunday School so I could get to church for the third hour.  He tried, but I have no recollection of it.  I hate having my sleep schedule so whacked out.

We've had a super week, made lots of progress toward finishing up the sheetrock and mudding so we can paint.  There was so much mudding to do to try do cover up the damage done by removing wall paper.  So.  Much. Wallpaper!  I'm hoping that by the end of the week we have most of the electrical taken care of and we are priming and painting.  After that, the dominoes will fall pretty quickly.

A random Aspen in the Teton Valley, Idaho

I've been amazed at the help we've received from so many people!  Our friends just show up and ask what they can do to help.  Yesterday our bishop stopped by to see what we had for the dump because he was going anyway.  Another couple showed up and said they had 45 minutes and asked what they could do.  Mat put them on sanding the mud.  I removed many of the doors and took them downstairs to get them out of the way and get them ready to be painted.  These kind gestures make all the difference in a project like this.  There are so many moving parts, and they all seem to get the attention they need.  I'm grateful for people who have the skills and ambition, and use it for good.  I'm also grateful for the food that has been brought for us!  I find that I have energy to do things for about 2 hours a day, then I'm wiped out and have to stop.  I'm still doing my treatments regularly, I'm still dealing with side effects.  Even though I look "normal" and I'm cheerful most of the time, I struggle.  

My heart has been hyper-focused on a situation we have with one of the kids.  I've spent so much of my parenting life worrying about this child.  I could see pretty early on that he would have challenges to face that would be difficult to understand, for him and us.  Despite all of that, we know LOVE is the only answer to get us through the hard times ahead.  We started going to counseling which I think will be the best way to help us work through our different opinions and ideas.  I'm praying we come out stronger on the other end.

Life Lessons

I did the stupidest thing when I was 15.  My parents had an old car sitting in our driveway, and old brown Ford sedan that had been my grandparents.  It was unregistered, uninsured and I wasn't licensed.  But the keys were in the dresser drawer.  So one day, I went on a joy ride through Ogden to impress a stupid boy.  As things tend to go, Stupid Boy's Mom called to tell my Mom what I had done.  As a result, I didn't get my drivers license until I was 17 ½.

When I was an older teenager/young adult, I earned the nickname "Destroying Angel."  I was a good kid but had a few too many incidents where there was damage to one of my parents cars.  I always tried to tell my Mom first because she would be "softer" than my Dad would be.  For my Dad, it was always about what happened to the car.  The car was more important than whether I was OK or not.

I made a conscious decision as a grown up to always make sure my kids knew they were more important than a thing.  On Friday, I got to make a quick decision about how to handle this very situation, I'm glad I had already had that learning experience to help me.

We've only had this car for 5 weeks, we paid cash for it.  I said to Mat a couple weeks after we bought it, "We did good with this one! This is a great car!"  Our last used car experience was horrible!!!  This Corolla was perfect for Mat's commute.

Maddie had plans to spend the weekend in St. George meeting her boyfriends family.  She dropped Mat off at work in Riverton and headed to Ephraim.  I would pick him up after school and head to our ward campout.  As she was driving Friday afternoon, she went through a stop sign she didn't realize was there and was T-boned.  The car was towed to a junk yard in Manti.

I was the first person she called.  The people in the other car called 911 (a Math professor from Snow College).  She said hysterically "Mom, I was just in an accident!"  Before I could get more information, she said she had to go because the police came.  So for a few agonizing minutes, I had no information.  When she called back, I asked if she was OK, if everyone was OK.  I was relieved to hear everyone was, and could face what we needed to do next.  She was shaken and emotional.  Other than a small area on her arm, airbag burn, and a sore back, she's just fine.

Events like this make you think about how fragile life can be.  It only takes a split second for things to change drastically.  Thankfully, most of us get through each day without drastic things happening.  It makes me grateful for the good relationship we have.  Each of my family members hear every single day that they are loved by me/us.  Every single person gets a hug every single day.  And while we have imperfect relationships we're working on in our family, I'm grateful we're working towards making things better.  No regrets, people.


I have to share this too because I was so stunned when she came!  My friend Sharla called Friday to tell me she had something for me.  I assumed it was a bucket of paint!  When she got our of the car, she handed me a belated birthday cake.  She's so creative and artistic.  Check this out!  Edible succulent chocolate cake planters.  Oh.  My.  Heck!  Sharla, you totally made my day!  Thank you for thinking of me!

Faith vs. Fear

It's been such a weird week!  I've had a lot of anxiety because this is my anniversary week.  One year ago, I went to my oncologist to have her feel the lumps in my neck.  One year ago, I had the CT scan that got all this trauma started.  I've struggled with ticking my first year off, I'm hoping we've made the most of it.  I think we made the most of it?  There have been so many struggles, so much emotion, so many tears.  But there have been so many great things, so many blessings, so many miles traveled and memories made.  We've been deliberate in our travels and activities because of the cancer.

I've had so many questions.  "Why this?  Why now?  Why us?  What will happen to Mat and the kids?  How could it possibly my life's mission to die before they're grown?  Can I be a positive influence from the other side? and WHY does it have to be that way!  I want to be HERE with them!  How could I possibly leave Mat behind?!  Why does this have to be so hard?  It's so unfair."  This and so much more has been swirling through my mind.

Part of my struggle is that the chemo is catching up with me.  My life has been relatively easy since March-ish because the chemo changed and it was easier to manage.  But that "easy" chemo is taking a toll.  On Tuesday, I woke up with a shooting pain up my neck, like a pinched nerve or something.  I figured I slept funny and it would go away.  But it came about every 8-10 seconds for the next 24 hours.  I texted my massage therapist, Diane, she fit me in on Wednesday.  It was the most painful massage of my life - man she's strong!  While she worked out a lot of tense muscles, it didn't make the nerve pain go away.  So I went for another massage on Thursday.  She got deeper and made more progress, but still - nerve pain.  I determined that if she couldn't work it out after two massages on consecutive days, it must be related to chemo.  I still have shooting nerve pain (Saturday night), and don't know what to do about it.  You may see my face flinch and my head tilt slightly.  That's it.

About three days ago, this rash broke out on my arm.  It's comes and goes on my other arm and the back of my neck.  Last night I noticed spots just like this on my hip and knee. "So wait a minute," I say to myself.  "This has the potential to cover my entire body?!"  I can't scratch it because the skin just comes off.  I've been in contact with my nurse this week because I also had a reaction to the hormone shots last Friday.  One side looked and felt infected, but has mostly cleared up now.  She came to check on me during chemo this morning.  I showed her the rash and told her it appears to be popping up in other areas.  I told her how hard it is to sleep at night, even with Ambien.  She said I looked like I was about 2 seconds from tears.  I was.  She gave me some suggestions to deal with the rash, a steroid cream and OTC allergy meds.  Then she came and put her hands on my knees and said, "You are so brave."  I think these people who put so much into taking care of people like me are stumped sometimes.  They don't know what to tell me about how to deal with side effects that make me crazy, sometimes all they can do is show that they care and they've got your back.

Wednesday night I had a complete meltdown.  I cried and cried.  I felt so sorry for myself!  I needed to talk to someone who could help me work through all the scary thoughts I was having.  I needed someone who would listen and understand, and help me change my perspective while being patient with my irrationality.  I texted Cari because she's told me I could any time I needed anything.  I felt so guilty because she's so busy, but she responded and we talked for a good long time.

She helped me see that my entire focus this week has been FEAR-based.  My thoughts and torment stem from a need to control or dictate the outcome, that I know what's best, etc.

She reminded me that God has a plan for me.  He won't take me one day sooner than I'm meant to go.  He loves me so much, He knows me and has a perfect understanding of my mission and what I'm meant to accomplish on earth.  She reminded me of the good that has come from all of this.  The service that has been given to us in a million ways, the sub-for-Santa's, the Florida trip, the Sedona trip, our giant road trip--and most recently, getting into our house.

Friends, I started praying specifically for a house about 6 months ago.  I told HF that I felt I could live longer if I had a place to work outside (my therapy), that our family would be more comfortable with a little more space, that we needed to create a space where happy memories could be made, where the kids would want to bring their friends to hang out.  It's no coincidence that the entire process only took 3 weeks to happen.  It's no coincidence that this particular house went under contract while we were gone in July, but fell out of contract after we got back.  It's no coincidence that we had already lined up a buyer for our condo.  It's no coincidence that our offer was accepted before competing offers came in.  That the entire process only took 3 weeks, from the offer being accepted to picking up the keys??  Nothing short of a miracle that was gift wrapped by God, just for us.

So, just as quickly as I had worked myself into a hot mess, Cari helped me see the FAITH side of things.  I'll no doubt need more pep talks as time goes on, but I'm grateful for help in working through this crisis and seeing things more clearly.  We really have been blessed so much because of all of this.

House and Yard Renovations

I got my two once-a-month-peanut-butter-textured hormone shots in my bum cheeks yesterday.  It's always a painful experience, I never look forward to it.  The spots are so painful today, feels like I got shot with a giant paint ball gun.  Twice.  😕

My boss at J and J Nursery is amazing.  He checks up on me regularly to make sure I'm OK.  I don't have a set schedule.  I have complete flexibility about when I show up and when I leave.  I've been working as much as I can.  I did that voluntarily because our mortgage payment on our new house will be higher than we've ever paid for a mortgage.  I just want to help our budget more.  Mat does so much for us!  I feel bad because he works so many hours each week, way more than 40.  Yet meeting our month to month expenses can be difficult.  We've never NOT been able to pay everything we needed to - we've seen many miracles in our married life.  Things that seemed impossible to cover have always been covered.  For that, I'm very grateful.  I predict things will continue to work out for us.

I hit a breaking point when I realized my fever and chills tonight might be tied to heat exhaustion.  It's nearly impossible to stay hydrated in this heat, running around helping customers find what they want, or helping them figure out what they want.  I push myself too hard, don't take the breaks I need, and leave there physically drained and dehydrated.

I don't have an appetite for food, in general.  Even going out to eat is a trial!  I can't think of anything that sounds good.  Thai food always sounds good, but we don't have anything close (that tastes good to me).  I'm so exhausted when I get home that I have little energy to think about preparing anything.  I use shortcuts like buying Costco's big package of already removed from bones rotisserie chicken.  I can't stand to do that on my own.  All that chicken skin, tendons, fat, etc. is so disgusting to me.

Looks bigger with those awful cabinets gone!

Yesterday at 4:00 I got the key to the house.  It shouldn't surprise anyone that the first thing I did was pull our Honda Pilot onto the lawn, wrapped a big chain around the shrubs in the front yard, and yanked them out.  There are about 14 more that need to go - Monday's project will require removing chain link fencing to get the Pilot into the back yard.  😜  I already have most of the plants for the front of the house, and two great trees for the front (more to come!).  I was running on pure adrenaline!  It felt so good to do my normal thing.  I worked until I couldn't see anymore and was so pleased with what we accomplished!  My friends Sharla and Kevin came to help us for a while.  I couldn't have accomplished so much without them!  Meanwhile, Mat and Jared K. tore out the kitchen down to the sheetrock.


Sharla and Kevin came again today.  They removed so much wallpaper with a steamer, they worked for hours on it!  The duck border is disappearing.  I felt grateful for their help and friendship.  Sharla took a cute picture of McKinley carrying an armful of wallpaper to the trailer.  The kids have been a great help in all of this!  Jeff, a GREAT neighbor of ours, drove by and saw all the activity.  He stopped to see what he could do to help.  By the end of the day today, he and Mat had removed all of the sheetrock from the back wall.  So the studs are exposed and ready to be moved!  We're pushing the back of the kitchen out three feet into the living room, because knocking out an exterior wall and/or moving the stairway to the basement aren't options.  We have so many great people on our team.  I'm very grateful!

Chemo Fatigue

My most recent chemo was last Friday.  I went by myself because Mat was back at school and I never got organized enough to ask someone to come with me.  Sometimes I like going by myself because they give me Benadryl through the IV to help with the reaction I have to Perjeta.  I get loopy and tired real fast!  I feel bad zonking out on whoever is with me!  Before my chemo three weeks ago, Dr. Prystas suggested we cut out the Perjeta but I hesitated because what we're doing is working!  Everything is stable!  I didn't feel comfortable cutting one out, despite the constant itching.

Late last night I sent her a message telling her I couldn't handle the itching anymore.  I'm going crazy!  I've always tried to look at the itching as "better" than chronic pain, so I just tried to suck it up.  But I'm telling you, I can't do it anymore.  I talked to her today, she said we can expect similar results cutting out Perjeta and staying on just Herceptin.  Here's to hoping that's true!

I kind of sighed on Friday when they escorted me to my recliner ... again.  It gets old, ya know?  Knowing that chemo will, literally, never end for me.  I'm approaching the one year anniversary of my stage 4 diagnosis and that's a little unnerving too.  There's so much emotion tied to that day.   Being thrust into the flurry of diagnostic tests, the biopsy, scans, and waiting endlessly for results and a game plan.   My life will never be like it was before.  Even though it's almost been a year, I find myself having to "deal" with that sometimes.

First Day of 4th grade!

Little bit of Vent

I feel like such a klutz lately.  I drop things, I feel light-headed and dizzy, I miss steps and fall.  Tonight it was down our front steps outside.  I was holding my phone because Brooklyn needed to go babysit, so I was tracking her down.  I fell into the rocks on one side, my phone shattered on the rocks on the other side.  Bad Apple in Bountiful was still open, so it's repaired now.  This not functioning well is really bothering me.

I just pulled up side effects for all the drugs (over the counter or otherwise) I take.  All but one has possible side effects of dizziness, light headedness, drowsiness, feeling tired, vision problems . . . .  It's no wonder I can't function.

I'm trying several drugs to alleviate the itching all over my body.  The itching is an allergic reaction to Perjeta, one of my infusion drugs.  I look like a crazed person when I'm scratching my skin constantly, and I think I need to take something to help it, but at what cost??  I think I'm going to evaluate carefully what I'm taking and cut back as much as possible.  Itchiness be damned.

New house, new beginning!

It's really late at night, and I should NOT be on the computer writing about this, but I just can't get over how all of this happened.

I've wanted to get back into a house for a while now, especially since being diagnosed again and my focus changed from "let's simplify" to "let's find a place where Mom can do her therapy!"  When we moved into our condo just over two years ago, our/my priorities were totally different.  But since I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my priorities changed.  I've been a gardener and a landscaper for the last 15 years.  And I'm good!  I can create beauty with perennials and grasses, trees and shrubs like few others I know.  I work at J&J Nursery in Layton as well, and some days were just depressing because I saw all this great stuff come in that I couldn't try out.

Months ago, I started talking to Mat about getting into a house again.  He felt content just staying where we are and letting someone else mow the lawn.  I promised him that I wouldn't let him mow the lawn if we moved to a house!  I get to mow the lawn!

I've had this inner struggle about selling the house in this neighborhood that we loved so much.  I've felt guilt over lost equity (it's not just a little bit--I am not being a drama queen!)  I've felt guilt over moving to Riverton and taking the kids out of the schools and environments they knew.  I've felt guilt over moving back to Bountiful ... and taking the kids out of the schools and environment that they knew.  I've mourned over these things for so many years, since 2013 when it all began by selling the house we loved.

I've justified in my prayers why HF should allow us to find another house, so I can do my therapy outside.  I prayed that this house could be on "this" street because of everything we'd sacrificed in losing (er, I mean selling) the house we loved.  I told Him I felt I might live longer if I had a garden to do my therapy in.  I pictured the house, a rambler on an average sized lot right on the street I wanted to live on.

Well, God answers prayers in mysterious ways.  In His own time and in His own way.  When we were still on vacation, a house came on the market in our neighborhood.  An offer came in right away, but as luck would have it, they ended up canceling the contract.

It's a rambler but on a corner lot.  I don't want a corner lot!  There's no privacy in the yard! (True)  And it's not on the street I wanted to live on.  But since my rockstar friend Cari was the listing agent, I went to see it.  I wasn't super impressed because the house needs a lot of work and the kitchen is TINY.  So I brushed it off and decided to keep looking.

On my birthday (8th) we were sitting in Cheesecake Factory.  I texted Cari to see if the house was still available because Mat wanted to walk through it.  Thursday morning (the 9th) we walked through the house again.  We talked about what we did like about it, which is pretty much everything else besides the corner lot, the tiny kitchen and (me) not being on the right street.  We felt pressured to hurry up and make a decision because in this housing market, there's no time to think about things.  You gotta jump high and fast.  Cari told us to go home and pray about it, and call her back, preferably within the hour.  😊

So we did.  We felt good about going for it!  Then the work really began because Cari had to move heaven and earth to get this deal to go through; for our buyer, for us, and for her seller.  She had to write up contracts on three fronts, help coordinate funding for our buyer, stay in communication with our seller who is living out of cell phone range in Wyoming, etc. etc.  At 11:00 p.m. Thursday night, she called to tell me he had accepted our offer and wasn't interested in looking at other offers that trickled in after that.  He'd heard our story and just wanted to get it done.  I was speechless, stunned!  I couldn't believe what she was telling me!  I'm telling you, for us to be able to get a house that wasn't in a multiple offer situation, is a miracle in and of itself.  We can't compete with the little guys, let alone the big guys!



God heard and answered our prayers.  Thursday morning we're casual lookers, Thursday night our offer is signed, with a three week close no less!  We should have this wrapped up by the end of August.  Unbelievable!  When we have the faith to take the first step into the darkness, God comes and snatches you up and answers your prayers in ways you never thought imaginable.  I couldn't have come up with a better ending than this, but God who knows all things for our good, opened this opportunity up for us. And with the help of a determined, hard-working realtor, everything has fallen into place just as it needed to.  For that, I'm very grateful.

#cancersucks

I had grand plans for today.  I had so much I wanted to accomplish!  But the best made plans ...

I've known that my friend Bonnie was prepping to leave on their own grand adventure.  They sold their house and got rid of (in one way or another) just about everything they own.  They bought a motorhome and will travel the country for the foreseeable future, from Alaska to Alabama!  I'm jealous!

I thought they might be gone by now, but when I saw on FB they hadn't left yet, I jumped at my chance to go talk to her one more time!  I met Bonnie many years ago at Wasatch Peak, our kids charter school.  We've been friends for at least 10 years, she's a dear friend.  We sat on her brothers front porch and talked for a while.  During our conversation, I got a phone call from what I knew was a number from Huntsman.  It was my oncologist.

I don't often hear from my oncologist, I usually talk to her nurse about scan results or questions.  So when it was her, I kind of panicked!  The news was good though, everything is stable or a tiny bit smaller.  So, the combination of chemo we're doing right now is doing it's job!  The infusion, the study drug, the hormone shots - all worth it.

After I hung up, I had to take a minute to get back to breathing.  I realized I was having a little "panic attack like" episode from talking to Dr. Prystas.  I was going to say "this cancer thing doesn't seem to affect me too much" until I remembered the constant itching on my arms, back, and neck.  And the hives I get from touching my skin.  It affects me, I'll definitely be brainstorming that when I have my appointment with her tomorrow!  Because it's "nerve" itching, I can scratch and scratch, but I've found that only aggravates it.  That just irritates the nerves, so I have to try not to scratch it.  "Try" being the operative word there.

The only thing I've found that helps with the itching is Gabapentin, the side effects of which are dizziness and blurry vision.  I take two at night (so I sleep through that) one at breakfast, and one at a time later in the day if needed.  The maximum dose is 3600 mg a day, I only take about 1200.  I can't imagine how anyone can function taking that much!  I'm grateful I have options.

I found out late last night that another dear friend, Ginger, just had brain surgery to remove a large tumor that was growing there.  Breast cancer will grow, remarkably, almost anywhere.  She's overcome so much in her life, she's been a powerful example and light to thousands of people through her Soul Survivor Conference (I went last fall).  Her positivity and powerful spirit will get her through whatever comes of this.  I love her so much.

My Quarterly Panic Attack

I'm grateful I didn't have much time to think about this scan.  We were so distracted on the trip with fun stuff!  I had in the back of my head that I needed to check my schedule to see what was happening at Huntsman this week.  Monday I had chemo, my friend Geri came with me.  I don't know why an infusion that takes a total of 1 ½ hours takes 4.  We sit and wait and sit and wait some more.  For pharmacy, for the nurse to access the port, for pharmacy again, etc. etc.

Today I had my scan and an echocardiogram.  I picked up my contrast and started drinking while waiting for the echo.  The contrast has to be sipped over 1 ½ hours--it's no small amount.  It's so disgusting and gives me such gastro distress after.  It's not a day (or night) I look forward to.  I hope I will hear something tomorrow.  My nurse will hear from me tomorrow afternoon if she doesn't call me before that.  The anticipation is agonizing.

On Friday I get my hormone shots and meet with Dr. Prystas. I pray we have happy, positive things to talk about!

Mat and I have been talking about getting into a house again (we live in a condo right now).  I have this intense need to have a garden to work in.  I want to create a beautiful space for me and my family.  I also have an intense need to have a home where we can invite people over, where my kids feel comfortable inviting their friends over.  I want the kids to want to hang out at our house.  So, we are working on that.  All we need now is the house!

Homeward Bound

After leaving Nauvoo, we headed west on I-70 determined to drive as long as we could stand to.  We drove about 10 hours and made it as far as Hays, Kansas ... when this happened.

We could see dark skies ahead of us as we drove, and then the rain started pouring down.  Semi trucks were pulled over under the underpasses.  Cars were driving very slowly with their emergency blinkers.  I pulled this up on my phone, we were right in the middle of it.  We decided it best to pull off in Hays, just to be safe.  We took refuge in IHOP!  The storm passed as we ate dinner and we continued down the road.  We stayed in our first hotel of the trip that night because none of us wanted to set up the trailer again.  😜

Mat trying NOT to raise the trailer to get a
few things out that we needed for the night.

The next day we made it to Colorado where we spent some quality time with my friend Olivia in Lafayette.  I've known Livi since we were teenagers.  When I was 16ish, her family moved into our ward in Kaysville.  She was a beehive, so I was sure she wasn't cool enough for me.  After we both got married, her little family moved into our ward in Bountiful.  Her oldest is Isaac's age so we would get together occasionally for play dates and lunch.  One day when she was walking out my front door, she said "I've decided we need to be friends!"  And so we are.  They've lived and traveled all over the world and I love to hear about their adventures.  I'll always remember her frankness, like "Duh, we should be friends!"  I've retold that story a number of times over the years, because isn't it just a no brainer to be friends with everyone?!

She is a gracious host and took great care of us.  We had awesome food and went to an ice cream place called Sweet Cow.  I had gingersnap ice cream (on her recommendation) that was the best!  It was so fun to catch up and see her nearly grown up kids and awesome husband.

We had a scary/great experience on the way down I-70 in Utah.  When I passed through Green River, I saw a sign that said the next services were 124 miles away.  I looked at the gas tank that said we had 118 miles left on our tank.  I should have turned around.  But those "I just want to get home" thoughts creeped in.  "Maybe our car will go a little longer than it actually says".  About 60 miles further into the nothingness of Grand Staircase, I told Mat I wasn't sure we would make it to a gas station.  I didn't admit that I saw the sign and figured we wouldn't make it when we were back in Green River.  It didn't help that we didn't have a signal, so no Googling the nearest gas.  Or town.  Eventually we saw a sign that said Emery, UT was 12 miles off I-70.  And since we only had about 18 miles left on our tank, we took a chance.  We didn't know if we would find a gas station in Emery, but we prayed we would!  We were lucky they did have one gas station with one gas pump.  As we drove back toward our route, I ate my humble pie and thanked HF for his help bailing us out of that one.

A view area somewhere off I-70 where we found bathrooms ... but no gas!