Ode To Hair

Today has been a great day.  Since I decided not to "worry", I've been much more relaxed and happy.  We had a spontaneous dinner with our friends tonight.  She didn't know what to cook, I didn't know what to cook, so we put together what we had and ate a great dinner!  Thanks Esther and fam for coming over tonight!  We also had a somewhat spontaneous ice cream sundae party (I decided to do it yesterday!) for a few people that have helped us over the last few weeks.  We'll need to have more "thank you" parties because we didn't come close to getting everyone here that has helped us!  It was awesome to sit and talk to people and soak in good, happy vibes from everyone.  Everything is going to go just fine tomorrow, I have no doubt.

A friend in the ward brought me over a homemade lap quilt made by someone that wanted to remain anonymous.  It is a bright, happy pink and green with frogs.  It is awesome and I love it!  I'll take it to every treatment.  I've been told by others that bringing a blanket is a good idea, there's something about the chemo infusion that makes you cold.  So, thank you to whoever thought to do this!  I really appreciate it!

I got an email today from one of my old neighborhood friends that moved away a few years ago.  She told me that when I was getting to the point of having to shave my head, she would cut her hair really short.  So, she did!  And here is her picture!

Is that cute or what!!?  Colleen, I think you are awesome for going through with this, even though I always knew you would!  (((hugs)))  She told me that she wasn't sure she could shave it all off, but she could get it cut really short.  Look how much came off!  Her hair is also going to Locks of Love!  AWESOME!

My friend, Camille, sent me this poem, "Ode To Hair" that was written by one of her friends when she was having to shave her head a little over a year ago.  It's a long poem, so I may condense it a little, but it has a great message!  Camille also had breast cancer and has been a real support to me.  Thanks Camille!  I'm shaving my head tomorrow night at 8 p.m., so stay tuned for the "after" picture.  I might shed a tear or two, but it's going to be a party anyway!  So, here is the poem:

Ode To Hair

When hair was created,

Do you think our Father really knew,

That women would go crazy . . .

No matter what, or where, or who?

It's the topic of conversation

From the moment we are born,

"Does he or she have hair?" they ask,

"Or do they look forlorn?"

We've straightened it on ironing rods,

We've rolled it over cans,

We've teased and sprayed and ratted it,

And harnessed it in bands.

We cut it short or let it grow,

We curl and color and spike,

We highlight, shampoo and condition,

And hate those whose hair we like!

If it's straight - we want it curly,

If it's curly - we want it straight,

If it's wet - we must blow dry it,

Too dry - and it's the stuff we hate.

Barrettes, headbands and scrunchies,

Combs, clips, tiaras and crowns,

Just having a bad hair day

is guaranteed to get us down!

There are those 'special few' who get a break,

from all this 'hair gone mad',

They're allowed a brief holiday,

And for this . . . they could be glad.

Try not to think it's awful,

Be grateful for the needed rest,

"Hair today - gone tomorrow",

May actually not be a test!

It could be the Lord is saying:

"You've got plenty on your plate,

I'm giving you one less thing to worry about,

See . . . your goodness made you great!"

For those of us who love you,

We see no beauty lost,

Instead . . . we are reminded,

That your worth transcends all cost!

occasional hysteria followed by rational thoughts

Hi!  I've had a pretty good day today.  We had a stake women's conference this morning, it was AWESOME!  Sister Oaks was the keynote speaker, then we had break out sessions on a variety of topics.  And lunch was fantastic!  Thanks to everyone that helped to put it together!  I'm glad I went.  We've been in the stake long enough that we know people from a lot of wards, so it is also quite fun to see old friends and catch up with them.

I went to distribution today and bought a new temple dress.  I've had mine since 1991, so it's time to move on!  I got a skirt with a blouse, I feel so "hip" now (if that's possible for temple clothes!).  I've been thinking about replacing my dress for a long time, so it feels good to finally get it done.  : )  I asked Holly last week if she would crochet me a white temple hat, which she did.  I'm so grateful to have talented friends who are so willing to help out with stuff I never had the patience to learn!  Thanks Holly!  The Young Women are coming over on Tuesday night to tend so Mat and I can go out to eat and go to the temple.  AWESOME!

We went to the gym tonight, I did about 4 miles on the treadmill.  It feels really good to be back into the groove!  I was going to do weights tonight, but Extreme Makeover Home Edition was on, so I had to watch that.  I'll do weights on Monday.  Mat came and ran the track with the baby, and the other kids went swimming.  It worked out great for everyone!

Every once in a while, the last few days, I begin to feel overwhelmed when I think about doing chemo on Monday.  I don't know what it's going to do to me, ya . . . so?  I decided it was really stupid to worry about something I can't change and have no control over and isn't even an issue yet.  : )   See, I'm learning.  I think, if I'm brave enough, I will shave my head on Monday night.  I'm sure I've said this already, but I'm shaving it before it starts to fall out so I can donate it to Locks of Love.  And besides, it is the one thing I can control, when and how my hair comes off.  I'll pull it into ponytails all over my head and then let the kids go at them with scissors.  And then the buzzers come out!  It should be a good time, if I'm brave enough.  : )

I'm going to be real quick today, it's almost midnight and I need to get to bed!  Just want to make sure to get a couple of "Thank You's" on here today.  Mat's parents came again today to take care of kids so I could go to the temple.  They always do much more than just take care of the kids, our laundry is done and the kitchen is clean, among other things.  Thanks!!!  Also, to my visiting teacher Annette who took me to lunch today.  I had the best Philly Cheese Steak I've ever eaten, and she was awesome to take the time to talk to me about what is happening.  Everything seems overwhelming right now, kid issues, house stuff, etc.  It's hard to face all my other normal "life" things when this cancer stuff overshadows everything else.  But, as you and I know, everything will be fine, because we aren't handed anything that we can't handle with God's help.  : )  Goodnight!

The Funeral

I'm kind-of late tonight because I just got back from the gym.  I can't believe how much better I feel when I'm done!  There is just something about torturing myself that I enjoy.  : )  I'm feeling motivated and excited about our half marathon because my brother and his wife said today that they would come down from Washington for it.  I think it's to late to register, but they will come and support the crazy sisters and everyone else in our group.  Jeff even said that he would wear one of my pink shirts!  I'm going to hold him to it.

Dad's funeral was really nice.  He loved music, his whole life was music, up until the very end.  He lead the music in the church meetings at the care center and would sing solos for holiday programs they put together.  So, we had lots of music and only two speakers.  Jeff spoke about the lessons he learned from Dad and Val spoke about how we each knew that Dad loved us.  It was all really great, the part I liked the best was the bagpiper at the end as the pallbearers took the casket to the limo.  That was AWESOME!  When I die, which I won't be doing anytime soon, but just for the record, I want the same thing!!  And the song needs to be Amazing Grace.  Just for the record.

The ward provided a fantastic lunch and then most of the family made the trek up to the cemetary in Huntsville.  Dan dedicated the grave and then we hung around for a while in the freezing cold.  I'm sure the mortuary guy was going crazy, he couldn't leave until we did!  After that we went back to Moms in Kaysville and ate Jello and funeral potatoes for dinner (someone delivered all the leftovers to moms fridge--there was salad and rolls too, but I just didn't get that far).  We all hung out for the rest of the night.  It was awesome to have all of the siblings together again, it's been a long time since that happened!  It was great to sit around and talk and laugh and "be normal". 

Thanks to everyone that came and supported us today and yesterday (not to mention dozens of phone calls and cards, etc.)!  I was amazed at how many people came to the viewings and the funeral!  It was awesome to see so many old friends and even extended family members that I haven't seen in a while.  In fact, one more cool thing.  Last night at the mortuary, there were people in line until after 8:00.  The very last guy in line came and introduced himself to Mom as an Ogden High graduate.  He had been in Dad's choirs and said he made such a profound difference in his life.  He graduated in the early 70's!  Isn't that amazing?  Dad was pretty cool.

Abundant Blessings

I realized this morning that yesterday and today are the first days I've been alone with my kids since all of this surgery stuff began the middle of December.  Frankly, they wear me right out!  But isn't it amazing how the people around me have rallied and provided so much support to me and my family?!?  I'm so grateful for each of you, you have each touched our lives in your own ways.  Our miracles have come in the form of prayers, hugs, dinners, regular deliveries of homemade bread, laundry service, cards in the mail, daily help with the kids, sharing your insights and inspirations, rides to the doctor, books and movies for distractions, house cleaning . . .  I'm sure I'm not remembering everything.  Mat just told me that he received a couple of envelopes today from other choir teachers in the school district.  The envelopes contained ideas for lesson plans, in case he needs to plan something quick and miss a day of school for me.  He doesn't know for sure, but I have a feeling I know who sent that e-mail out to all the other choir teachers in the district (Laurie!).  I want you all to know that we feel very blessed!

This morning, I called the nurse at Dr. Prystas' office to ask her some questions.  I was thinking that I needed to get some prescriptions filled before I go in for my first chemo treatment on Monday.  She was very nice and told me to just show up and they will give me everything I need.  I've been pretty emotional today, that phone call made it "real".  Since all of this started, I've been recovering from surgery, so in my mind chemo would start sometime in the future.  But it's time to move on to the next step.  My plan is to let my kids shave my head Monday night.  I'm going to pull it up into ponytails all over my head, let them go at them with scissors and then get out the buzzers.  The thought freaks me out a little, OK . . . a lot.  My hair is who I am, it will be hard to have people look at me and not quite recognize me.  I'll post an "after" picture after the deed is done.

We had the viewing for my dad tonight.  My brother, Jeff and his wife Jeri are here from Washington, so my entire family was there tonight and throughout this last week getting everything planned and taken care of.  AWESOME!!!  I couldn't believe how many people came to give Mom and us love and support!  I saw people tonight that I haven't seen in decades, people from Huntsville I knew in my early childhood, extended family members I haven't seen for a long time, and old friends.  It was so cool!  Dad looked so peaceful and calm.  What I noticed most of all was his face.  He looked so relaxed, no worrying anywhere in it.  I noticed that in the few days before he died, everything was peaceful.  It was a very nice event, we're grateful to have so many people rally around and come and support us right now!  THANK YOU!

"In the worst things in life are often found the seeds of the best things in life."

This came from an email from my friend Annette in Alaska.  Isn't that an awesome thought?!?  I've been contemplating recently how breast cancer is helping me find the seeds of the best things in my life and for my life.  It has made me wonder if this isn't a good time to really analyze the direction I'm headed and make some changes.  This is certainly giving me the courage to consider making those changes.  It is like jumping with both feet into complete darkness and having the faith that Heavenly Father will let me know on the way through the darkness the direction I need to go.  I'm still working on all of this and don't have any answers yet, but I'm grateful for the journey!

I'm a jogger!

I spent much of the day today with my family making the final preparations and planning for my dad's funeral.  I think we've got it figured out, for the most part, and things should go relatively smoothly.  The funeral is Wednesday at my mom's ward in Kaysville.  He will be buried in the Huntsville Cemetary.

The kids were going crazy tonight, Isaac's thing is, "I'm bored."  Anyone else out there have a kid that requires constant entertainment?!  I decided to take them to the gym so they could go swimming.  I can't get in the water yet (Dermabond on my most recent holes), so Maddie was in charge of Brooklyn and Isaac does his thing.  I took the baby up to the track in the jogging stroller and we ran!  I HATE running on the track, I'd much rather be plugged in and distracted by the TV's on the treadmills!  But, Mat was home getting some work done, so I made the best of it.  This is the first time in more than a month that I've been able to run and I'm so grateful I can get back to it now.  It felt really good, after the initial pain and fatigue in my legs.  : )  I am hoping that having a consistent schedule at the gym will, first, give me something to look forward to everyday, and two, mitigate the side effects of the chemicals that will be pumped into my body.

I had a friend tell me once that she hates reading blogs where all they have to say is that they made peanut butter sandwiches for their kids lunch.  I've been thinking of that with a smile, as I am beginning to have uneventful days.  I may begin to skip a day here or there, if there isn't anything interesting or useful to say.  But please keep reading!  It warms my heart that there are so many people out there that are following along in our journey.  I have written something just about every day since I was diagnosed, that amazes me!  This has been a great forum for me to record my thoughts and keep my friends close by and in far away places informed.  In many ways, this has been a blessing for us because we have learned so much from it.  Thank you for your prayers in our behalf!!!   : )

Yesterday

My dad passed away about 8:00 yesterday morning.  We love him and will miss him, but in a lot of ways this was a blessing for him.  He's been paraplegic 20 years ago (we just passed the "anniversary") and has really suffered the last 2 years or so.  So, we are sad, but we are happy.  Make sense?  His funeral will be Wednesday.

I met with Dr. Prystas yesterday and will start my chemo treatments a week from Monday, although I may move it up to this Thursday.  I just wanted to get past the funeral before I started, so I will see what I can do.  Her plan is to do the 8 treatments, 4 of the A, C and 4 of the T.  I liked her and feel confident that things will go just fine.  Of course there is a little anxiety about how I'll feel after each treatment, how the chemicals will affect my body, but I just need to jump in with both feet and get it over with.  : )  Thanks to Mary for driving me to the appointment and helping me think of all of the things I needed to ask about.  And thanks to Kaylee (Mary's daughter) who came and tended while we were gone.

Mat's parents were here the rest of the day, taking exceptional care of the kids, cleaning everything in sight and doing our laundry.  I joke with people that my windows have been cleaned more times in the last two months that they've been cleaned since we moved here 4 years ago!  I look a nap after I got home (I was up almost the entire night the night before, worrying . . . ) and felt better after I got up.

Last night, we got to go to a really nice dinner.  Early on in all of this, my friend told me about a support group for breast cancer survivors under the age of 45.  It is called Young Survivor Sisters.  They have this dinner once a year and other gatherings throughout the year.  It was at Joseph Smith Memorial in the Wasatch Room.  They had a really nice program and then we stuck around until about 10:30 talking to people.  I met some really nice ladies and was able to put faces with names I've seen on e-mails. Corrine was there, she's the sister-in-law of my friend I ran into at the gym the day after I was diagnosed.  It is always great to see her.  I also met Renee who has long, beautiful red hair, just like mine.  She was diagnosed 5 years ago and was so nice to me.  I loved seeing that things get back to normal, and that once you are in this "club", you never leave it.  Everyone was such a support, didn't matter if they knew you or not.  I also got to see Ginny.  When I saw her name on the list, I was sure I knew her.  I did a landscape plan for them back in 2006 (?).  She was diagnosed at the age of 23.  She had  a one year old at the time and was one of the founding members of the group.  It was an awesome night!  I'm so grateful Melanie helped me find them!

I don't have much cancer stuff to report today.  The port is no fun, but will get better as it heals.  It's just under my collar bone on the right side, between that and my weak left arm, I'm not much help!  I can hold the baby as long as she's facing out and I can carry her with my right arm.

I spent about 3 hours at the care center where my dad is.  Hospice was there when I got there and they said he won't make it through the weekend.  Everything is shutting down, just exactly as they would expect.  He is in a coma now, so we're just waiting for his body to give out.  It's been quite a week.

I see another oncologist tomorrow, Dr. Prystas.  I'm not going to shop around any more, I'll just tell her what I want in case it's different from what she wants to do.  I've heard really good things about her, my surgeon and my plastic surgeon both recommended her (among others), so that is where I will settle.  She's closer to home too, so that will make it easier for everyone when I need a driver.  I'll share the details tomorrow. 

I went to the gym tonight, but didn't get much exercise in because people wanted updates.  It's funny how when you go the same time every day, you tend to get to know people!  I had a guy tell me I've got three things going for me.  1- I'm young.  2- I'm in good shape.  3- I've got red hair.  : )   Yep, it's gonna be OK!!!  Thank you for your continued prayers!  We love you!

I'll be brief today.  I made the mistake of taking Lortab on an empty stomach this afternoon and am feeling quite nauseated and awful.  DUH!!!

I went in this morning to get my port installed.  It is a little triangle-shaped chamber, about the size of a quarter, where the chemo will be infused, and any other needed IV's or blood draws (which will be many) can come from there too.  It sits right under my skin under my collar bone and has three raised dots on the top.  It pokes up some, so it's obvious something is in there.  The nurses can just feel for the dots and then center the needles right in between them.  It has a skinny "straw" that was fed up into one of the main arteries in my neck that leads to my heart. Exciting, huh?  I decided it was a better option than countless needle pricks over the coming months. 

The procedure itself freaked me out.  I knew that I would be awake, but it turned out the drugs were fabulous.  I could hear everything they were saying and could feel that they were doing something, but it was no problem at all.  They had moniters all over me checking my vitals, a blood pressure cuff on my leg and they adjusted the drug levels based on what my body was telling them.  Thanks to Mary who came as my driver, but she also held my hand as the nurse was doing the IV (sometimes the IV stresses me out more than the procedure--I've had too many nurses digging for veins too many times in my bad arm!), and talked and talked and kept me distracted.  : )

Follow-up on my dad, for those of you that know him.  He slept the entire day today.  He had many visitors and lots of noise, but was unaware of most of it.  They still have him on oxygen, his lungs still have fluid in them (pneumonia), but he's not gurgling audibly.  He also has sepsis, probably from chronic bladder infections and UTI's.  My mom arranged yesterday for hospice to come in and help him and us through this process.  They say his organs are shutting down and it shouldn't be too much longer before he passes.  In a lot of ways, that will be a blessing for him.  He became paraplegic 20 years ago (we just passed the "anniversary") and has suffered A LOT since then.

A little bad, and good stuff . . .

I got a call at 1:30 this morning (last night) from my sister, Kari.  My whole family, except my brother that lives in Washington, was at the care center where my dad is.  The nurse that was taking care of him called my mom and said she'd better come quick because he didn't think my dad would last too long.  Last Saturday he got really sick with a UTI and he had some pneumonia too.  Mat and I had just visited him on Sunday.  He was a little confused, which is typical for him with a bad infection, but that was it.  I was amazed the pneumonia had progressed to "near death" in just a day.  When I got there, the sound of his breathing was so disturbing, it broke my heart.  He had so much water in his lungs that he "gurgled" when he breathed, he was breathing rapidly because of dimished lung capacity, his oxygen levels were low and his heart rate really fast.  It was really scary.  I stayed for about 3 hours, but needed to go home because I took an Ambien at about 12:30, so I was numb and struggling.  (My sister picked me up, my brother-in-law drove me home.)  Everyone else stayed about another hour and then went home.  I stopped in for a few minutes this afternoon.  He actually improved some today to the point to where the gurgling wasn't audible, but he is still very weak, tired, confused, etc.  I don't like this "end of life" stuff, it is very hard to see your parents go downhill.

I had a follow-up with the plastic surgeon today.  She is very pleased with my "C", healing and progress.  She said it is best to wait until after chemo to do the other side, so I can regain my health after they succeed at knocking me down.  That will probably happen in October or November.  She's very efficient, so that is all I got from her, but I love her!  I am so happy I decided to do reconstruction the same day as the mastectomy!  If I ever meet anyone who is having to make that choice, that is what I would tell them.  Since you're "under" anyway, get as much done as possible!  : )

Maddie had New Beginnings tonight (aaahhhh!  I've got one old enough for that?!?).  Mat and I both went, and we brought the baby because that is what we do when Maddie isn't home to tend!  We had a nice lasagna dinner and program.  During the program, the baby got fussy, so I took her out into the hall.  As long as I can do her "one-handed", I can do it.  I was talking to a 12 yr old boy in our ward, he was playing with McKinley.  I looked down the hall and overheard a conversation between a couple and a woman.  I recognized the couple, they are in our stake.  The woman was talking about her experiences with her breast cancer.  I could not restrain myself, I walked up and said, "I'm sorry, but can I be a part of this conversation?  I was just diagnosed in November and had surgery and I start chemo next week."  So, we stood in the hall and talked for half an hour about our experiences.  This sister was diagnosed 4 years ago.  Her youngest was 5 at the time, so she has a sense for what I will be going through.  She was so encouraging and offered me her wig, some books on cd that really helped her, and whatever help she could give me.  She gave me her phone number, and she took mine and said that she would be checking up on me to see how I am doing.  Was this a chance encounter?  I don't believe so.  This was one of those Tender Mercies that I have seen so prevalently in my life since all of this began last year on November 20th.  This was just another reminder that Heavenly Father is so aware of me, my thoughts and concerns.  He is right there, leading me to where I need to be in the moment that I need to be there.  Wow.

I got to go to lunch today with my friend Camille up in Ogden.  It has been years since we've seen each other, but we found each other on facebook through a mutual friend.  We used to sing together in the Chorale at the Institute at Weber State 20 years ago.  Those were great times!!!  She was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2008, just 14 months before I was.  She's had multiple surgeries and had lots of valuable insights and suggestions for me, it is all still very fresh on her mind!  Her hair has come back nicely and her life is resuming some normalcy.  I'll be ready for that when the time comes! 

Isn't it funny that I notice the hair of someone who had none, not that long ago?  I guess I'm a little worried about how this hair loss thing is going to affect me.  I think the hardest part will be having people look at me but not recognize me or know who I am right off.  Your hair and its style is so much a part of who you are.  I'll have to come up with some funny way of letting people know it's OK to be shocked or confused (If anyone has any clever "one liner" ideas, please let me know!).  I'm  preparing my list of the "Benefits to Having No Hair" that will be posted on here, along with a few pictures, the night I shave my head.  That will probably happen sometime next week, I'll find out for sure on Friday.  I decided I'm going to let the kids shave my head.  I'll gather it up into ponytails (for Locks of Love) and then let them go at them with scissors.  Then we'll get out the shaver and give everyone a chance to make my head shine!  I hope it's fun, not traumatic for them.  : )  I can think of one daughter that may struggle a little with my hair loss.

Other than that, I had a normal day.  The kids were here all day, noone could find a single friend home, so they just played together here.  Mat was gone all day doing bookkeeping, so when he came home, we packed up and went to the rec. center so they could go swimming.  It was a mad house!  I went upstairs to the machines and weights.  I attempted some light free weights and machine work.  Man, do I have a long way to go to get back where I was before!!!  It will come.  : )

Why I Go To Church

We had a great day today!  A few days ago, someone in our last ward called to ask Mat if he'd do their musical number today.  Anytime we get the chance to go back to the old ward, I'm all over it!  I love those people and love to go back and visit.  Our friend, Lori, accompanied Mat as he sang "Precious Savior".  I'm going to put the words on here, because they touched me today as he sang and I followed along in the hymn book. (Hymns, #103)

1. Precious Savior, dear Redeemer, Thy sweet message now impart.  May thy Spirit, pure and fervid, Enter every timid heart;  Carry there the swift conviction, Turning back the sinful tide.  Precious Savior, dear Redeemer, May each soul in thee abide.
2. Precious Savior, dear Redeemer, We are weak but thou art strong; In thy infinite compassion, Stay the tide of sin and wrong.  Keep thy loving arms around us; Keep us in the narrow way.  Precious Savior, dear Redeemer, Let us never from thee stray.
3. Precious Savior, dear Redeemer, Thou wilt bind the broken heart.  Let not sorrow overwhelm us; Dry the bitter tears that start.  Curb the winds and calm the billows; Bid the angry tempest cease.  Precious Savior, dear Redeemer, Grant us everlasting peace.

Isn't that cool?  I especially love the third verse right now.  I had so many of my old friends come up and give me a hug and words of encouragement today.  It was AWESOME to be there and to see so many friends again.

When we got home, the kids were all ready for church, so we packed them up and got there 20 minutes early.  I'm not sure that has ever happened!  Mat and I joked that we should just leave every Sunday morning and let them get ready on their own.  It seems to go much smoother when we aren't here!  Mat is the organist, so he was up playing the prelude music.  As I was sitting there before the meeting, this sweet little girl, she's probably 2 or 3, and the daughter of a friend in the ward, came up to me and said in the sweetest voice, "My mom said to give this to you."  She handed me a quote from President Harold B. Lee that says:

• The most important thing you can do is to learn to talk to God.  Talk to Him as you would talk to your father, for He is your Father, and He wants you to talk to Him.  He wants you to cultivate ears to listen when He gives you the impressions of the Spirit to tell you what to do.  If you learn to give heed to the sudden ideas which come to your minds, you will find those things coming through in the very hour of your need.  If you will cultivate an ear to hear these promptings, you will have learned to walk by the spirit of revelation.

What Amy didn't know is that I've been struggling lately to know what to do about my business.  My business is what I know. I know I can count on it, I know the business will come.  I feel like I know what I need to do.  But there is this little voice in me that wonders if we will be able to reach our goals financially if I don't continue.  I wonder if Mat will be able to pick up enough bookkeeping business to get us to our goals.  There is a part of me that wonders if there is something else for me, a life mission sort of thing.  It is hard to have enough faith to jump into the dark and trust that whatever that thing is will come to me.  So this quote is today's amazing gift.  Can you see the miracle in it?  "You will find those things coming through in the very hour of your need".  This is exactly what I needed today.  I love going to church!

I've had a really good day today.  I woke up before the sun and couldn't get back to sleep.  After I finally got up and ate breakfast, I was ready to go back to bed!  I went to the rec. center this afternoon with my sister Mel.  She's training for the half marathon too, which is really awesome!  I was able to do the treadmill 30 minutes at 4 mph, so I was quite pleased about that!  Next thing you know, I'll be sprinting!  I'll let you know when that happens.  : ) 

I've been working with one of the trainers at the rec. center for a couple of years.  She's been very encouraging and has done a great deal to inspire and motivate me to exercise regularly.  I got an amazing e-mail from her today, which I will include on here, so you can all participate if you'd like!  I told her a while ago about a "stair climb" race I thought would be fun.  I learned about it right before I was diagnosed, so I never got registered.  She told me this week she was going to do it in my honor.  WOW!  Here's the e-mail she sent to me (and many others):

Hey, All!
          A dear friend, Kim Ulmer, was preparing to do this stair climb in Salt Lake City a couple months ago. In the course of her training, she discovered a lump in her breast and is now battling breast cancer and unable to participate.
          I am signing up in honor of her, and her tremendous will-power and strength. She is an inspiration to me.
          Please join her and me and help us raise money for the American Lung Association in Utah. They have programs in place to help fight big tobacco, prevent lung disease and promote lung health.
          On the 27th of February, I will be participating in the Fight For Air Climb by climbing the tallest building in Salt Lake. I invite you to join me - any donation would be, very much, appreciated.

http://www.mrsnv.com/evt/e01/part.jsp?rid=1103206&id=2735&acct=9001307997 (her fundraising page, each participant is strongly encouraged to raise at least $100)
          Please share this with any others who you know may be interested!  Thanks, Rachel

http://www.mrsnv.com/evt/info.jsp?id=2735 (more information about the race, if you'd like to see what programs are supported through this fundraiser)

Isn't that amazing?  I am so excited to go support her that day, even though I can't do it myself.  You can bet I'll do it in 2011 though!  This just made me smile when I got this.  THANKS Rachel!  You're awesome!

NO Regrets!

I've learned way more about cancer treatments in the last few weeks than I ever thought I would need to know, ever!  So, let me explain what I've been doing today.  I've talked to three oncologists so far.  I'll explain what I've learned so I can get to explaining what I did today.  For the sake of simplifying things, I'll call the drugs A, C, and T.

They first guy told me that, if it were him, he would have me do drugs A and C combined, 4 treatments every 2 weeks.  Then I would do T every 3 weeks for 4 treatments.  The second guy told me essentially the same thing.  They both explained the side effects of those drugs, which are many.  "A" (which has acquired the nickname of the "red devil") seems to be the most worrisome because it can cause problems with your heart, like congestive heart failure in 1% of the people that take it.  The oncologist I met with yesterday said that she would rather avoid the problems of A, and just combine C and T together, and do 4 treatments, every 3 weeks.  Four treatments instead of eight, then I'm done.  Actually I'm not done, because then I start a drug that I take for 5 years that will kill off anything that is left of my ovaries (throw me into menopause).  Hormone therapy is standard after chemo for someone that has my pathology profile.  Bring on those hot flashes!

So, here's what I've been doing today.  I've been thinking that 4 treatments is only half as good as 8.  It's been quite a dilemma because I want to do the best thing for me and my family to ensure that I have at least 40 more birthdays.  At the same time, if I could avoid the side effects of a nasty drug, maybe I should consider it.  Mat's parents were here today and she suggested going to Huntsman Cancer Institute because they have a huge library that is open to the public.  So, that is what I did.  I went in and found someone that works there and told her all about me and what my dilemma was (4 treatments vs. 8 treatments).  She showed me where the breast cancer section was and then left to go print off some research from the internet.  She came back with information that was helpful, but admitted that it is hard to know the best thing to do and I ultimately need to decide.  Even when the prognosis is good, like in my case, there are no guarantees with any kind of treatment.  She said there have only been a couple of studies done on the success of eliminating A and going with C and T only.  While the studies show promise, it is a relatively new way of thinking and there's not as much research to support it's success as there is with the A, C, T regimen.

Man, I'm rambling.  OK, so after I got home Betty suggested we call her cousin who is a retired research oncologist / medical oncologist.  He was very helpful, and ultimately, helped me make my decision.  He said that 4 doses of A isn't enough to worry too much about the heart complications, especially for someone my age that is in good health.  He said after 8 or more doses, then you worry.  He said, under the circumstances (my age and my young kids that still need me for 40 more birthdays), he would recommend doing everything I can to ensure success, which means including A in the chemo cocktail.  After I talked to him, I was thinking that if I didn't do A, and the cancer came back, I would have to wonder for the rest of my life if it came back because I didn't do everything possible right now to make sure it didn't.  NO REGRETS!  You know what, if cancer does come back someday, we'll deal with it.  But right now, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure it doesn't.  That means, if my calculations are correct and everything goes according to my plans (ya, right!!), I'll be doing chemo until about the middle of July.  : )

8 cancer-free nodes!

I just have to put this on here now because I'm really happy!  I went to see my surgeon this morning and the pathology reports came back from last weeks surgery.  The next 8 lymph nodes in the chain had NO cancer cells!  WooHoo!  That means that I probably won't need radiation after the chemo treatments are done.  I can't tell you how happy I am!  Yeah!  He also removed the dressing and the drain (which means I can shower again--I know, you are all grateful for that).  It didn't turn out to be nearly as painful as the last three I had pulled.  I'll update more later tonight.  : )

- A LITTLE LATER -

I am still pretty happy about today's news, of course.  What a relief!  It definitely means that radiation isn't necessary.  My friend, Mary, drove me to my appointments today and we went to breakfast at lunchtime after I saw the surgeon.  She told me as we were sitting there that my face and my smile are a little brighter.  I think she's right.  : )  I also saw another oncologist today.  She is the second oncologist I've seen, and she gave me a totally different treatment regimen than the first.  I think I need one more opinion!  I asked Mary today if it was OK to get so many different opinions (because they all have my records and know who I've seen), she said it absolutely was!  You know, if this was about an in-grown toe nail or a wart on my finger, one opinion is plenty.  But this is about much more than that!  I need to have at least 40 more birthdays, so I need to get it right and feel really good about what they are doing to me!

Thanks to my mom, Kari, and Cara who all came today to help with the little kids!  I wasn't here much, but I so appreciate the help we get from so many people!  I never worry about the kids when I have people here to help out, you are all so awesome!  One of the hardest things for me early on was what I was going to do with the little kids.  How was I going to take care of them?!?  It has been miraculous to see so many people rally together and take that over for me.  That was really hard for me to give up at first, but now I can see that they are thriving despite all of this.  Brooklyn giggles way more when other people are here than she does when it is just me here!  The baby is very mobile and has actually pulled herself up from the floor to a standing position at the couch two or three times.  It is already obvious that she will be a climber in a month or two.  "Heck" on wheels?  It's coming our way.  : )

I went to the gym tonight with my sister Mel.  She thought it would be a great way to "celebrate"!  It actually felt really good to be back.  I can't wait until I can jog again (I've got a half marathon to train for, after all!), but for now walking slow will do.  My left arm is pretty numb in some places and painful in others.  I can't straighten it out all way without getting a shooting pain up my arm.  I can't let my arm just hang by my side, I have to keep it bent and supported in a pocket or something.  Dr. Fisher says that will get better over time, let's hope it doesn't take too many months!

My friend, Colleen, sent this awesome quote!  I love it, so I thought I would post it here.  Colleen, when you get a minute, let me know who said it / where you found it.  THANKS!

• When, for the moment, we ourselves are not being stretched on a particular cross, we ought to be at the foot of someone else’s—full of empathy and proffering spiritual refreshment. On the straight, narrow path, which leads to our little Calvarys, one does not hear a serious traveler exclaiming, “Look, no hands!” (See 1 Cor. 10:13.)

I love that thought, "when we ourselves are not being stretched on a particular cross, we ought to be at the foot of someone else's".  I've been so blessed to have so many people at the foot of my cross.  I really have been overwhelmed by the offers for help.  My house is clean, my laundry done, we have plenty of food in the fridge, the kids are happy and cared for, carpools are covered on the days I just can't do it.  Honestly, I have all that I need and more!  People come in to take care of the kids and want to know what I need done in addition to that.  I often have a hard time thinking of other things that need to be done!  Having everyone come together like you are is really amazing for me to see.  I feel like all I can manage right now is my cancer, and everything else is covered, thanks to all of you. 

Thanks to Krista who came today to take care of the little kids.  We had a good long talk, but she also made sure the bottles were washed, the kitchen was taken care of, the toys were cleaned up and I got a nap.  She's a great friend and I'm grateful for her and others in our old ward who have volunteered to come help out.  Thanks to Heather as well, who kept the kids at her house after Krista needed to go.  That meant I could go to a parent meeting at the kids school this afternoon, and not have to worry about carrying the baby in with me and keeping Brooklyn entertained.  It also meant I could meet with some teachers about missing homework assignments that noone knows anything about (sense the sarcasm?).  : )  We got it figured out and brought the assignments home so they can be completed tonight.  Anyway, I am very grateful to all of you for the contributions you make for me and my family!  Love you!

Tuesday's Blessings

I just took a couple of Lortab, so I'm feeling a little loopy and lightheaded.  I hate that but it will help me sleep when I go to bed in an hour.  We had tons of help today from our friends and neighbors, I'm so grateful for all of you!  Marilee came up early this morning and helped with the baby for a while.  She is a great neighbor who is ready to help at any time!  They have a grandbaby the same age as McKinley, so this baby thing is right up her alley! They have been great friends to us, they were the first ones to come introduce themselves after we moved in (we'd been here just over an hour, we were still unloading the truck).  Thanks to Esther and her crew who came for a little bit and stayed until my friend Cara could get here.  Cara comes clear from Henefer!  I had to ask her today exactly where that is, I wasn't sure.  We sang in Chorale together at the Institute at Weber.  It's been almost 20 years since I saw her and she is (still) a hoot!  It was so fun to talk to her today.  I didn't realize we dated some of the same guys (not at the same time) and had some of the same issues with those guys.  : )   It was fun to compare notes, not that any of that matters now, but we did have some good laughs!  Cara, next time you are here I'll show you the Chorale scrapbook I put together years ago.

Our ward had "Ladies Night Out" tonight.  We went to Thyme and Seasons and had some fantastic food!  We always get a great turnout when we go there.  It is so close to home and the food is awesome.  There were about 15 of us there tonight and I got to know a couple ladies I haven't had much interaction yet, so that was great!  Everyone is always so kind and concerned, some were surprised to see me out so soon after surgery.  It's just pain, for great company and awesome food, I'll do it.  : )   I contemplated going to the gym tonight but couldn't quite bring myself to do it.  I should probably wait until after the drain is removed . . . OK, I'll wait until Friday!

I had two fever-free days after surgery on Saturday and Sunday, but it was back up to about 101 last night.  Tonight, I'm OK again.  I would love to be back to 100% before I start chemo at the end of the month.  I have to admit that I have felt some frustration, knowing that dozens / hundreds of prayers were being offered in my behalf, and yet the fever has been there everyday, like clockwork.  All I know is that I only see today, and Heavenly Father sees the big picture.  I don't know the purpose of the fevers, but I have come to understand through all of this that He is fully aware of me and my concerns and all of our prayers.  Whatever needs to happen, will happen.  Thank you for your prayers, your concern, your hugs and kind words!  You are changing my life!  : )

We've had a good day today!  The baby was pretty happy today, which makes life easier for all of us!  My friend, Lori, came this morning and helped out for a while.  She is a great friend from our last ward.  She played games with Brooklyn, I loved listening to Brooklyn giggle and get into the game she picked out, "Guess Who".  She's funny, because she's always had Maddie there to tell her what questions to ask and which tiles to put down, so she had lots of questions for us today.  After the game, we made "back-a-mole" (guacamole), as Brooklyn calls it, to eat with our lunch.  : )  It is one of her favorite things to eat, which says a lot, because she doesn't like to eat anything, right now!  I remember the big kids going through this stage when they were about the same age, so I know it will pass some day.

Marilee came about lunch time to help out for the rest of the afternoon.  We went to high school together.  I have been totally amazed at how many people from my distant past have been in contact and come over to help in whatever way they can!  Thanks Marilee!  I'm grateful for your help today and the other days too!  She brought her 2 year old Sam who totally amazed me when he laid down for a nap, in our strange house, in a strange bed, with no familiar blanket and slept for a couple of hours!  Man, why haven't my kids ever been nappers like that?!?  The only thing predictable about the baby is her unpredictability!  She catnaps all day long, and her "meal" times and amounts are not consistent either.  I never know how much she'll eat or when.  It makes it a challenge for me to help people know what she might need.  I'm very grateful for the willingness of so many people to come and help out with the kids.  This is a difficult time for me.  I don't like being so needy, I don't like having to ask for so much help!  So, thank you all for your willingness and your smiles.  I can't tell you what it means to me!

My arm is still pretty sore.  I've taken Lortab a couple of times today and will take it again before bed.  I try to be as independent as possible, but if I need more than one arm for something, I need help.  I got a call from my surgeon today, he just wanted to check on me, see how I'm doing.  I don't have a lot of experience with surgeries and doctors, but I'm amazed he would do that, call me at home to check up on me!  He called yesterday while we were at church too.  I'll be grateful to get in to see him on Thursday and have the dressing and the drain removed.  Oh, the adventures.

p.s.  I forgot to mention my sister Mel on Saturday, because I didn't write on Saturday.  She came at 8:00 (before anyone was out of bed) and picked up the baby for the day.  She had to call me on my cell phone to get me up and let her in!  She kept McKinley until bedtime Saturday night!  We were so grateful for the help, it meant that Mat could accomplish a few things, and he could help me accomplish a few things, too.  THANKS for that, Mel!  You're awesome!

: ) Church.

Sorry to skip yesterday.  Sometimes I get a little stubborn and think I can do it all without a little help from my Lortab.  I don't like taking narcotics if I can avoid it, but yesterday, I really shouldn't have avoided it for so long!  By the time I went to bed, I was in so much pain and feeling really overwhelmed.  You could say I overdid it yesterday.  We got the kids lunch and then we went to lunch at Thyme and Seasons.  When I walk in, Hei knows to start making me Chicken Curry.  It is the same every time!  After that we did a little "case lot" shopping at Winegars and then to Walmart for cereal.  That was probably more than I should have done, especially with no pills to help me through.

I called Janet yesterday to see if she has a chair and hair-washing sink.  She's done hair for years so I was hoping she did!  I went over this morning and she washed my hair (because I can't shower until the end of the week) so I could feel good about going to church today.  I'm so grateful for her!  She's so willing to do whatever she can to help out. Hopefully I'll get my drain out on Thursday and I can shower again.  She had a quote on a shelf that I love and is so appropriate for me right now.  Neal Maxwell said:

• "Endurance is more than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstances.  It is to act for ourselves by magnifying what is allotted to us."

Isn't that cool?  I really like that and I'm glad she had it where I could see it.  Church was great today, it was great to be there.  The moment we walk in we have people offering to help with the baby.  Today Alli and her kids took her.  It was so great to look over during Sacrament Meeting and see the baby sleeping on the lap of her 12 yr. old!  Everyone is so kind and supportive and amazed at how well I'm doing.  I did take a couple of Lortab this morning, so I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open during Sunday School.  Luckily, it was my friend Becky teaching, so I talked to her after church and explained myself!  We thank you all for your prayers, your love, and all of the help we are getting from so many people!

Another Surgery Day

I'm home tonight and feeling pretty good.  The surgery only took an hour, but it took all day to try to get over the effects of the anesthesia.  Man, I love that stuff when it's needed during surgery, but when I'm done with it, I want it to leave me alone quicker!  I haven't heard how many more nodes he took and we won't hear until Tuesday or Wednesday what they find in them.  I have another drain that I have to contend with for about a week.  I was told I can't shower until after I see the surgeon again on Thursday.  What?!  I'm not sure why that is different this time.  My incisions from the last surgery are much more extensive than this, and I showered two days later.  Not being able to wash my hair will be the hardest for me.  Maybe I should just shave it off now?!

Mat's parents came and spent the day with the kids.  Before we left this morning, Mat and Grandpa gave me a blessing which I am so grateful for.  Surgery is never easy, even if it is "minor" like mine today.  There are no idle moments when they are here.  When the baby sleeps, they clean!  Grandpa even cleaned some of our windows.  Amazing!  Do you know how long it has been since we cleaned our windows??  Most of you know that our windows on the front and back of the house are huge, so it's a job, and we don't get to it very often.  : )  Thank you for all your help today!  We love you!

We're having a "movie night" tonight, Mat even bought popcorn!  They've started without me, so I'm not sure what they are watching.  I had better go up and see what it is.  Thanks for your prayers and fasting on our behalf!  We are grateful for the strength we feel from all of you!

Information Overload!!

I had my breast clinic this morning.  That is where you go in and talk to a bunch of people (oncology, radiology, genetics, social work, American Cancer Society, surgeon, occupational therapy, etc.) about your case, lab results, pathology reports, treatment options / recommendations.  We got there at 8:30 and left at 12:15.  I was OK for the first 2 1/2 hours, and after that it was hard to absorb too much.  It is all so overwhelming!

We slammed in lunch and rushed to the next appointment.  I met with the oncologist at 1:00.  Since it was 3:30 before he actually walked into my room, I may be changing my mind about who I allow to torture me.  I think I have better things to do with my (and my drivers) time!  He was nice enough, Mat has a couple of his kids in classes at school, but . . .  He broke down his recommendations for chemo, which will start on the 26th.  I'll go in every 2 weeks for 4 treatments (AC), and then every 3 weeks for another 4 treatments (T).  I get to go in on my off weeks for blood tests to make sure my cell counts are OK.  That puts me finishing up about the 1st of June.  And then the radiation begins, 30 treatments, 5 days a week for 6 weeks.  After that, maybe we should go on vacation!!!   I go in on the 20th of this month so a radiologist can put a catheter ("pick" line) in my chest.  That is just so I can have the IV's somewhere besides my bad arm.

I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.  My fever is climbing tonight and I am discouraged.  The oncologist is concerned about starting treatments when I'm still having fevers every day.  Ya, me too!  Maybe someone could figure out what is going on?!?  I have to be at the hospital at 7:30 tomorrow for my surgery and will probably be home tomorrow night unless I can convince them to do a few extra tests to locate an infection that I apparently have and doesn't want to respond to antibiotics.  Man, it's getting old. (I'm sorry I'm cranky.  I'll be over it after I finish off the peanut butter cups that are hidden in my closet.  A LITTLE LATER . . . So, after I finished off the peanut butter cups, I went to the gym and I feel better.  I guess I'd better go get a few things together for tomorrow?).

I have to thank Esther for watching the kids all day today!  She is a saint, so willing to take them whenever I need her.  Our thanks to Marilee as well!  She offered to bring over dinner tonight.  I'm so glad she did, we had only been home 10 minutes when she and Jeff delivered it.  And it was really good!  : )  There is no way I could have figured out what to eat tonight after the day we've had today.  We have the best ward family.  Our food is covered for the whole next week!  THANKS to everyone that has helped us in this and every other way!  I haven't begun to think about what to do with the kids next week.  If there are people that would be willing to come and help with the baby during the day, please let me know.  I'm not sure I'll make it to church, but call me anytime this weekend.  THANKS again!

I hesistate to write anything today because the fever is back and it's so discouraging!  I hope the fever doesn't impact or delay my treatments.  I just want to get started so I can kick this in the butt!  The only thing I did today that I didn't do the last two days (when I didn't have a fever) is take an afternoon nap.  I could feel it start to creep up and laid down for an hour and woke up at 100.9.  Argh.  I've had some great help today, so I want to acknowledge my great friends.

My friend Laura came and spent the morning helping out with the baby.  I was pretty tired and not up to too much, but she came and smiled and made everything OK because that is the kind of person she is.  Thanks Laura!  Natasha came and spent the afternoon with us, until I got the kids home from school.  She is a nurse by training and a great caretaker!  She was so cute with the baby, I'm grateful for her help today too.  Another friend, Beck came and brought lunch and then cleaned the entire house!!  She used to have a housecleaning business, so she is really thorough and quite efficient.  She is always smiling and has always been so willing to help.  I'm so glad I have so many people around me that lift my spirits and help me out so much.  It's really hard to ask for help, over and over and over again.  Our thanks to everyone that is thinking about us, praying for us and helping us out in the ways that you can!

Another day with only a very mild fever at its' highest!  Yeah!  I think whatever it is decided to leave.  It's been a good day today.  My neighbor, Marilee, came over this morning and helped with the baby.  She has a granddaughter that was born about 8 hours after McKinley, so she is really good at this baby thing!  I always joked with Jeff, her husband, at church that I would definitely be having my baby before Megan did.  I was right!

Later in the morning, my friend Diana came and stayed the rest of the day.  She's awesome and I love her!  We've been friends since birth, literally, and she's just like a sister to me.  She stayed here while me and my mom went to see my surgeon.  The good news is that I didn't have to get the hematoma drained, so no big, long, awful needles.  The other good news is that he said I don't have to massage it anymore, so no more painful sessions trying to get it worked out!  He said I could massage it, but it will break up and go away eventually on its own.  I don't know what "eventually" means, but I'm going with it.

I've been really tired today.  I heard the baby wake up several times in the night, but I figured if Mat thought it was a crisis, he'd come up and get her.  : )   And we made it to the gym tonight.  Mat runs on the track with the jogging stroller and the baby, I do the treadmill.  I didn't get as much time in tonight because I had a couple of the "regulars" come and talk to me, but I was there and did what I could before the baby lost it!  And I'll be there tomorrow . . .  I can't go very fast yet.  My plastic surgeon said I need to wait 5-6 weeks before attempting to run, which is hard to do.  But I'd be crazy to push it too hard and mess up what she did, so I'll be patient.  Tomorrow will be another quiet day, not much to do.  Thursday I go to my breast clinic, where I'll talk to a bunch of people and get a ton of information, and I also meet with my oncologist for the first time.   I'll get many of my questions answered on Thursday.  Yeah!

Progress . . .

I am feeling pretty optimistic tonight!  I talked to my primary care doc this morning and learned (finally!) that the throat swabs were negative for flu.  That's the bad news, because there are no logical reasons for the fevers.  But the good news is that she told me I should get in to see my surgeon tomorrow because the hematoma really needs to be drained.  Ouch!  I'm NOT looking forward that big long needle.  I have an appointment at 1:15 to see him.  She thinks there must be an abscess / infection that is related to the hematoma.  Maybe this will be the thing that will stop the fevers, let's hope!

I managed with the baby this morning for about an hour before my friend Sarah came.  McKinley woke up at 7:30.  Do you know how long it has been since I got up that early?!  I've had Mat here meeting everyone's needs for 3 weeks.  He gets up early, stays up late, taking care of every single thing.  By the time Sarah came, I was totally wiped out.  She's pretty amazing.  She brought a bunch of frozen dinners, way more than I expected!  Sarah, you have achieved "sainthood" in my book!  Thank you for spending so much time helping to make my life easier!  Mat's parents came about 11:30 and spent the rest of the day helping with the baby, cleaning up, preparing dinner, cleaning up some more, doing laundry, etc.  Shortly after they came, I ate lunch so I could take my pill and then took a two hour nap.  : )  My neighbor, Eileen, has been keeping us well stocked with fresh baked whole wheat bread for several weeks.  She brought over 5 more loaves tonight.  Now the house smells great!  Eileen taught me how to make bread after we moved here, I'm so grateful for her!  Everyone helps in the way that they can, I think it is AWESOME!

I am so grateful for all the help we are receiving!  I feel guilty sometimes asking for so much help.  But then I have that "one hour" here by myself, and know that I need that help right now.  That is just where I am in my life, and in six months when all of this is past me, I can "pay it forward".  I have a better understanding now than ever before of what it means to have "charity" because I have seen it play out in my life over the last few weeks.  Thanks to all of you for teaching me so many amazing things!

A little later . . .
So, it's bedtime and I just took my temperature.  99.3.  WOW!!!  I can handle that!  I've been between 101 and 102 since surgery three weeks ago, so I feel great tonight.  Mat and I just got back from the gym!  I did the treadmill for almost half an hour, I'm only walking 2.5 mph, but I'm back to doing my thing!  Just thought I'd report because I'm quite pleased.  : )  The next thing you know, I'll be running a half marathon.

Church!

I've grown weary of saying everyday that I still have a fever.  Earlier today I was thinking, "I need to stop talking about the fever and just tell people when it is gone" (because that will be a happy day, indeed!).  But as I was talking to my neighbor Marilee tonight, I realized I need to ask people to put their prayers and faith into the fever going away, into the doctors being able to figure out what is going on, and into my getting back to feeling good so I'm ready for another surgery on Friday.  So, that is what I'm asking for today!  The hematoma is getting a little smaller, but it is still very painful when I massage it.  I wish I knew how long it will take to go away.

I was able to go to church today, and it felt terrific to be back!  I've only missed two weeks, but I'll probably have to miss next week again, so it was nice to get there.  I got lots of hugs today, the support and love we feel is truly overwhelming.  We live in the best neighborhood!  I have a scripture I want to share:

• Alma 7:11-12 (prophecy of Christ's earthly mission) - 11.  And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might by fullfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.  12.  And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy . . . that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. 

Isn't that cool?  It is easy (relatively) to understand how to use the atonement when we make mistakes and need repentence.  But the atonement is so much more than that!  It covers everything!  Every trial, illness, disappointment, and loss.  He has felt all of that pain already, and that is why he stands ready to help us get through whatever it is we face.  We just have to ask and have faith.  The scripture covers every possible problem we could face before mentioning the mistakes we'll make in verse 13.  Pretty amazing.

Mat goes back to school tomorrow, the big kids too.  I'm a little nervous about caring for the baby by myself, so I've lined up helpers for this week.  I'm so grateful to all of you!  I have a long list of names and phone numbers, most of you have never heard from me (but you will . . . treatments are coming soon) because we've had so many offers for help.  Today at church McKinley got fussy during Sunday School, so I took her out in the hall, and lasted about 2 1/2 minutes before I went back and passed her off to Mat.  My left arm is so weak still, and that's my surgery side, so I avoid that with her.  She is so active and is constantly twisting and turning and grabbing and stuffing things in her mouth.  It doesn't take much to wear my out.  : )

I am beginning to sound like a broken record, I think. I have another fever tonight, I've had one everyday since I was in the hospital almost three weeks ago, even after 3 different antibiotics.  You'd think someone could figure out what's going on?  If this has ever happened to someone else, an unexplained fever that won't leave, I would love to hear from you!  Is it just my body reacting to so much trauma?  I'm healing, scabs are falling off.  I'd think the trauma part would be behind me?

Our friend and former neighbor, Sherri, came and picked up the kids to take them sledding this afternoon. They were there for quite a while and had a blast! It was reported to me that after awhile, they ditched the sleds and just started going down the hill on their bellies, face first. I haven't inspected their coats or snow pants yet, I wonder how they faired? Mat said Brooklyn was perfectly content all the way home. When she walked in the door, she burst into tears, saying she had hit her chin. I asked her, on what? On the hill, when she was on her tummy! I told her that maybe next time she could consider just staying in the sled? : )  I love my kids!

I've needed some distractions today, so I've been listening to some talks on cd's that my neighbor, Annette, brought to me. One is called, "The Five Scriptures That Will Help You Through Almost Anything" by John Bytheway. He recorded this tape shortly after 9-11, we were all painfully aware at that time of how bad things happen to good people.  He is very entertaining and insightful!  The other talk I listened to today is called "Peace Amidst Suffering" by Mary Ellen Edmunds.  I love her too!  She was the RS President at the MTC when I was there way back in 1991.  We got to hear from her often and it was always a treat.  Both talks are outstanding, both of them reinforced for me how to see cancer as a blessing and how I can rely on God to help get me through it.  I have to admit, my thoughts aren't always centered on those two things, but I'm trying hard to focus on the positives.  I CAN DO HARD THINGS!

I'll be brief today.  It's late and I've got to massage my lump still, take some pills, try to relax so I can sleep (ya, right.).  It's been an emotional day today.  The fever came on earlier in the day than normal (this is normal?!).  I guess having Mat go back to work on Monday is getting to me.  He's been such a great support and help.  Can I do it without him?  My left arm is still weak and when I use it too much, it hurts.  I still have a section of my incision that is bulging from the hemotoma and oozing (I'm not sure if that is the right word) stuff.  I don't want to cause any problems by doing too much, i.e. carrying the baby around all day.  I've recruited helpers for most of next week.  But I don't want to be a pain or a problem to my neighbors, family and friends.  Ugh.

Isaac and I went to lunch with my family today.  Mom insists it is a tradition to go on New Years Day.  : )   My parents, Val and Dan, and Kari and family were all there.  I was so hammered when I got home, I took a long nap and woke up with a fever.  Mat's parents fed us dinner tonight and then Mat and I went to see "Where The Wild Things Are".  The book is better than the movie (isn't it always?).  It was kind-of dark and chaotic to me.  But, it was great to get a date with Mat!  I can't remember the last time we went to a movie in a theater.