I had my 7th treatment on Monday.  The treatment itself went well and I came home feeling tired but good.  Isaac decided he wanted to come along and see what it was all about.  I had to tease him a little.  I wasn't sure if he really wanted to see what they do, or if he just wanted to get out of school so he could read his book for 4 hours!  He's an awesome kid, I'm sure it was an intense interest in his mother.  : )  After a long nap and dinner, I felt good enough to go to the gym and do my weights.  Thanks to Mat's parents who came and spent the day (again) taking care of the kids and preparing our dinner.  We love you!

Yesterday, as it always does the day after treatment, my body started to ache and my taste went south.  Today has been hard that way.  I am more "achey" this time than last, and I don't eat or drink enough on days like this.  Michelle came today and took the kids for a while so I could take a nap, and nap I did!  It is amazing how easy it is for me these days to fall into a deep sleep and stay that way for a couple of hours.  Michelle, thanks for doing that for me.  Brooklyn was excited to tell me all about it!

Early on, I was reminded of a scripture that has been a great source of peace for me.  It is Mosiah 24:14-15.

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon (the Ulmers) were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

Dozens, maybe hundreds, of people have helped us in so many ways . . . prayers, meals, carpools, child care, cleaning, laundry, fresh bread, encouraging/funny cards and meaningful conversations, among other things.  It is through all of you that our burden has been lifted and we have been strengthened so that we can bear up our burden with ease.  We are so grateful and we thank each of you.

All our love!  Kim and Mat

Bumps and Bruises

Years and years ago I read a "Dear Abby" article written by a mom who had a child with down syndrome.  The mom explained her experience by comparing purchasing a plane ticket to France and ending up in Belgium (if I remember correctly).  She described how Belgium was different from France, but just as beautiful and rewarding a trip.  Being diagnosed with cancer was kind-of like that for me.  "Hey, what happened to France!"  I never could have imagined when I turned 39 last August that I would be where I am today.  I think it is natural to imagine the path we want our lives to go.  Ya, we may go through life with a few bumps and bruises, but we'll have at least 86 birthdays and end up at our final destination no worse for the wear.

I was able to go with Maddie to the General Young Women meeting broadcast.  My favorite speaker, and I'm a bit biased, was Elder Uchtdorf.  He was my stake president when I was a missionary in Germany.  He spoke to the girls about how they can expect trials in their lives, but God has the road map and can help us get through anything we face in life.  He says:

"It (the map) gives explicit directions of what to do and where to go to everyone who is striving to come unto Christ and "stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9).  All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father.  Trust Him enough to follow His plan . . .

. . . You will learn for yourself what every heroine has learned: through overcoming challenges come growth and strength.  It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's story will develop . . . Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you.  Though you may feel that noone can understand the depths of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands.  He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you.  You are not alone."

I have really come to know that these words are true.  I thought my life would take me to France and I ended up in Belgium!  I have found beauty and love and miracles and lessons that I would have missed out on if I had gone to France.  I have seen people sacrifice so much of themselves to come to our aid.  I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from so many people.  It truly has been miraculous for our family and made "Belgium" a really pleasant place to be.  I don't know how to THANK YOU all enough for all you have done for us.  Thank you for your prayers and love.  We are changed as a family.

Mel, Esther and I walked (fast) 10 miles yesterday in preparation for the 1/2 marathon on the 15th.  I have 30 people lined up to wear our awesome shirts!  I am so excited!  What at sight that will be!  I did those 10 miles in about the time I want to do the whole 13.1, a little less than 3 hours.  I'm not going to push it to hard in the next few weeks, just contine to work on endurance and focus on doing my very best the day of the race.  I am so grateful for everyone that is coming to support us that day!  There will be about 14 runners, and 16 on the finish line screaming their guts out.  How fun is that!  I can't wait!

My 7th treatment is tomorrow, stay tuned for details on that tomorrow night.  I am bringing Isaac with me this time, he wants to come and see the process and read his book for several hours.  : )

(Thanks to Melissa who found the link to the "Welcome to Holland". I'm not going to change my post, but you can go there if you want. : ) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Welcome_to_Holland)

No News = Good News

I feel really fantastic and don't have a lot to report.  I count my blessings everyday and smile everywhere I go.  : )  I think I just may get through this!  My heart is full of gratitude tonight as I think about the dozens of people that have helped us in one way or another over the last few months.  Thanks to each of you for blessing our lives and helping to make us better people!  We love you!

Total Slacker!

I can't believe it's been since Wednesday that I've written.  Sheesh!  Actually, there hasn't been a whole lot to report until today.  I have felt really good this week!  Other than my daily nap, there haven't been a whole lot of issues of interest.  My gardening friend, Jenny, came on Friday to help me plant my cold crops (lettuce, peas, onions, carrots, potatoes, etc.) and then Michelle took the little kids for a while so I could get some things done.  THANKS guys!

Yesterday I walked 9 miles with Esther and my sister Mel, I'm feeling confident that I can be ready for the race!  Then, last night we went to a fundraiser dinner for a friend of mine.  She is going through chemo right now too, and is the sweetest, most inspiring person!  The dinner/silent auction/live auction was at the Union Station in Ogden.  I was completely overwhelmed when we walked in and saw hundreds of people eating dinner and milling around.  It reduced me to tears!  Her husband (whom I've never met) came up to me and gave me a big hug and thanked us for coming.  He has seen pictures of me on my blog and knew immediately who I was.  Becky and I are going to the Image Reborn Foundation retreat together the weekend of June 25th in Park City.  She asked if I would keep my head shaved until after the retreat.  Heck ya!  Anything for a friend, Becky!  You guys are in our prayers everyday.  I hope your fundraiser exceeded the expectations!

Tonight, I have neuropathy in my hands.  Three hours ago, nothing.  Now my hands are tingling and itching so much.  Will Advil fix that?  It fixes everything else . . .   I think my nurse, Kathy, will be hearing from me tomorrow.  I was expecting this, but they told me after the third or fourth treatment of Taxol, not a week after the second.  Argh.  If you see me wringing my hands or rubbing my feet together, that is why.  I haven't lost my mind, I promise!

Brooklyn's Gift to Me and our Family Portrait

I came home from the gym last night and found this before I went to bed.  She said something to me earlier in the day about leaving something for me, but my chemo brain didn't register it until she was asleep.  She is such a sweetheart--I love dandilions!

Our Family Portrait through Brooklyn's Eyes:  You will notice that Mat only has three hairs on his head and a few age spots.  Isaac is a cyclops and he is the only one growling.  The baby only has three hairs too!  I'm not sure what she has against Isaac right now, maybe some therapy is needed?

I have some serious taste distortion right now.  Dang.  I love to eat and I hate it when it all tastes awful!  I also have what I hear people refer to as "bone aches", although I don't feel it in my bones.  The pain seems to be right under the surface of my skin, up my neck and head, my jaw, shoulders, arms and back.  Tylenol and Ibuprofen don't seem to help much, so I'll just deal with it the next couple of days and it will go away.  It makes sleeping really difficult!  Other than that, I'm having consistent hot flashes and other hormonal issues that I will not go into here.  Trust me.  : )  I actually feel quite optimistic because Taxol is WAY better than A/C!  When you see me, I'll be smiling.

I have had some great helpers the last few days.  Mat's parents came on Monday and spent the whole day taking care of business.  Yesterday, Kari and Diana came.  I was able to take a nap and we laughed a lot.  What more could I ask?  Today, Laura, McKenna, Natasha and Annaleigh came and played with the kids and helped around the house.  Morning naps seem to be my biggest need, and I got another one today.  Thanks to everyone!  I am so grateful for the people we've had come in and help us over the last few months.  I will honestly be so sad when I am through chemo (only for this reason!) and life gets back to normal.  I have so enjoyed each of you that has spent time here talking to me and playing with the kids.  YOU have made this doable for me!  In the beginning, I was so worried about how I would manage the kids and the carpools and the meals and the cleaning and the laundry and so many other things.  You are our angels and I don't know how to thank you adequately.  Perhaps we'll have another party?  Absolutely.  I'll get on it.  : )

I was able to get to the gym tonight to do my thing.  I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes before I got up the gumption to actually go in.  I'm tired and my body aches and I really didn't want to do it, but I did.  I need to do 8 miles on Saturday in order to be ready for the half marathon on May 15th, so I had to stay on schedule.  As I was doing weights, a sweet older lady came up and asked me if I have cancer.  She said that, between 9-08 and 9-09, she was diagnosed with uterine cancer, thyroid cancer and melanoma on her face and has had 5 surgeries.  She said she wasn't afraid of cancer anymore (I am still working on that), that she has learned to turn it all over to God and His will.  What an inspiration!  I was so grateful she stopped and shared her story with me.  It helps people in my hairless shoes to know that others have been there and understand what I am going through.  I don't know who you are, but thank you for reaching outside yourself to encourage me and lift me up!  Let's all resolve to be just like this lady, finding ways to lift and inspire strangers around us.

2 Treatments to Go!

I had treatment #6 today!  Everything went fine, although the Taxol takes 4 hours to drip so it takes up a fair portion of the day.  My friend, Mary is my "designated driver" for treatments, procedures, whatever I need.  She's been awesome to schedule her life around mine and do that for me.  Thanks Mary!  My next two treatments are April 26th and May 17th.  There are three weeks between the last two treatments because I am "running" the half marathon on May 15th and didn't want to have to do a treatment the Monday before the race. 

I brought Brooklyn with me today.  After what she told me yesterday, I asked her if she wanted to come so she could see what happens when I get chemo.  I thought it would be good for her to see that I am OK with the treatments and to see that we have a great time when we are there.  After the treatment was underway, Mary turned on a movie for Brooklyn and went out to get our lunch.  After lunch we played UNO.  Brooklyn won more than I did, but Mary won most of the games.  It seems I am really good at coming within one card of winning, but someone generally beats me to the win!  I was a little uptight about keeping her entertained for that long, but it worked out.  My nurse and the staff were really nice to her.  They called her "giggles" because when someone she doesn't know talks to her, that it all she can do.  There was a huge box of medications that was sitting in the hallway.  About a half hour before I was done, she found some sheets of bubble wrap in a big box full of medications.  They were the great big, loud bubbles.  Kathy, my nurse, gave her three sheets of the bubble wrap which she brought into the break room and put on the floor.  Then she jumped on them.  It sounded like there was a string of firecrackers going off!   She had a great time and hopefully the other patients didn't mind.  : )

Mat's parents came today to take care of the baby while we were gone.  They cleaned everthing in sight and made our dinner tonight.  As soon as we came home, I took a nap for a while.  Thanks for helping us again today, grandma and grandpa!  I know it is a long day, but we really appreciate your help!

Brooklyn's stress

Up to this point, I haven't seen a lot of stress in Brooklyn, or, I should say, I didn't recognize it.  For the last few weeks, she has told us half a dozen times or more that she had a tummy ache and felt like she was going to be sick.  Then, after a minute or two, she would skip off to play with the kids or get distracted in another way and be perfectly fine.  After the first two or three times, we brushed it off as her being hungry from not eating her dinner (she's our pickiest eater).  This morning, the same thing happened.  She was fine all morning and we got ready for church.  Not long before we left, she came to me in tears and told me she had a tummy ache.  I was a little impatient because we were trying to get ready to go.  Then I sensed that there may be something deeper than a tummy ache.  I asked if there was something else it could be.  " I don't know . . . (tears)".  Is everyone being nice at church?  "I don't know . . . (more tears)".  Then I felt that I needed to ask if she was worried about something.  "Yes . . . (more tears)".  I asked, "Are you worried about me?"  "Yes. (lots of tears)."  I took her downstairs so we could talk to dad.  He gave her a blessing to help her feel reassured and confident that everything would be OK.  I am so grateful for the priesthood in our home and for this teaching opportunity that helped reinforce the source of all of our strength.

The big kids seemed to show more signs of stress early on, just after my diagnosis and during the surgeries.  You all know about how willing kids are to share their deepest thoughts and feelings!  They say they understand what is going on and that things will turn out just fine in the end.  But I have seen some signs that make me wonder.  We are involved with the Cancer Wellness House in SLC.  They have support groups led by social workers for teens and kids, as well as for caregivers and patients.  They will also be going to a summer camp in August for kids with a parent that has had cancer.  I hope these will be a help to them, that they can open up and share how they feel when they are around other kids that know what they are going through.  I worry about them, of course!  I worry because I don't have the energy to be as involved with school, to make nutritious meals everyday, to organize projects or outings, and a few other things that would be my idea of an on-the-ball mom.  Those days will come back soon as the chemo works it's way through my body and my memory and energy come back.

Tomorrow is treatment #6!  I don't have to take all those steroids again, so I shouldn't be so fatigued that I can't function for a week.  Happy day!  It's funny how optimistic I felt when the first of April rolled around.  I knew I would be done in May and it suddenly seemed so doable!  I think I really can get through all of this!

What We Did Tonight

Cute as heck!  She stole my hat.

Mat causing a melee, not letting anyone else near "the book", Fablehaven 5.

More rioting.

Brooklyn taking cover under our bed.  : )  My family is awesome!

Counting Today's Blessings

First of all, I got to go to Ogden today and go to lunch with my friend Michelle (1).  Many of you know her, she attended our ward for a time.  It's been a few weeks since I've seen her, so it was great to get together with her.  She showed me her new computer, which she is very proud of!  She hasn't used a computer in about 15 years and is taking classes to learn all that good stuff and even has internet access.  Esther took the kids for me today (2) so I could go and not have the "baby" worry.  McKinley's awesome and I love her dearly, but has progressed passed the "sit there and play with a toy for an hour" (or better yet "sleep through lunch!") stages.  Thanks Esther, you truly are a blessing!

I called my oncology nurse to ask her about my next treatment.  I have really felt great this week and wanted to ask her what I can expect from my next treatment (as I consider the kids needs next week).  I don't have to take the steroid that made me unbelievably tired last week (3) and she said the biggest problems people have with Taxol is constipation and bone aches (4).  REALLY?!  I can handle that!  I don't want to say this too loud, but I think the last half of chemo will be easier than the first half.  I can't tell you how happy I am about that!  Shhh.

I got a call from my gardening friend, Jenny, this afternoon.  She wondered if she could come and help with a few more things in my yard (5).  She even brought her two youngest who helped out too and played with Brooklyn.  She brought some thyme plugs from her yard to add to my peiced-together concrete pathway down the side of the house.  And we moved around a few more plants, because that is what gardeners do!  I even got the lawn in the front raked and cleaned up.  I felt fantastic about what we got accomplished.  Jenny, you are another of our blessings!  I was tired when they left, but felt good enough to pull out the lawn mower.  I decided that if I didn't have to work to hard to get it started up, I'd attempt it.  After a long, cold winter, it started on the FIRST pull (6)!  I was giddy.  I got the lawn mowed (7), then I was completely exhausted.  But I felt good, just getting some things done after feeling yucky for so long!  I am a list person.  I like to get stuff done and cross it off my list, so today was awesome!   : )   And then I went to the gym and did my thing (8).  Man, I am happy today.

The Last Lecture

I went this morning to get a massage.  If that isn't great enough, it was a grandma that gave it to me!  She has a studio in her basement, I got her name from a friend of mine.  I was kind-of intrigued by the idea of a grandma having a massage studio in her basement.  As she got started, I asked her how long she had been doing it.  She said she started three and a half years ago.  She told me she taught school before her kids were born, then stayed home with kids and helped her husband with his business, then tended grandkids for a time.  Through a series of "life" things, she decided at that point to go back to school and learn massage therapy.  Wow!

I don't know how many of you have read or seen "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pauch on Youtube, but I would highly recommend doing one or both.  As a dad with young children, he was diagnosed with cancer and given a finite time to live.  It made him reflect on his childhood dreams, what he wanted to accomplish in his life when he was a child.  Then he set about doing every one of those things before he died.  After I read the book and cried, because it will make you do that, I thought about what my childhood dreams were.  Of course, I wanted to be a mom, I was sure I would live in some sort of castle (no longer a priority!), I wanted to be in the Tabernacle Choir, and to be the kind-of person that inspired others.  I actually pictured myself, when I was a child, speaking in front of hundreds or thousands, as they "oooh"ed and "aaaah"ed at me.  I probably shouldn't admit that now, but it crossed my mind as a child.  The only thing I would add at this point in my life is that I want a masters degree in something, something where I can help people.

As I was laying in bed this afternoon trying to sleep, I started thinking about all of that, inspired by my massage therapist.  When the time is right, I will figure out the masters degree and go for it.  But the one thing I started thinking about is trying out for the Tabernacle Choir.  Both my parents were in the choir when I was a kid, that is what gave me the spark.  I have had countless unforgettable and deeply spiritual moments in other choirs, which I am grateful for.  Now, the Choir has "raised the bar" quite a bit since my parents were in, I have a lot of work to do to even prepare for an audition.  But it is something I know I can do.  I was at a concert in the conference center in 2008 with Maddie.  The choir was outstanding, as always, singing some song I love.  I sang along with them (much to the chagrin of the people around me) and when it was over, I said to Maddie:  "I will be in that choir before 10 years is up!"  Maddie came home and wrote on our Vision Board (where we write everything we want to accomplish so we can accomplish it), "Tabernacle Choir by 48 years old".

All this cancer stuff has made me rethink my direction in life.  That doesn't mean I now where I am going yet, but I have a good idea of where I want to get.  You just never know what is going to happen.  Your life could be drastically different in a matter of a second, just like my "I think it's breast cancer, it has all of the characteristics of breast cancer."  If you have dreams, just like my massage therapist grandma, figure out what you can do today to get a little closer to what you really want in your life. 

The only thing that stands between a person 
and what they want in life is the will try try it
and the faith to believe it's possible. 

(don't know who said it)

Can you see me?  I'm in there somewhere.  : )

Easter!

A little too much sugar this weekend, perhaps?

I slept in late today because Mat is so awesome about getting up with the kids and taking care of business.  He finally came to get me and told me I needed to get up and come downstairs for the Easter pageant.  We've never done an Easter pageant before, but I thought it was a great way to start our day.  Mat was the narrator and Peter, Maddie and McKinley were the angels, Brooklyn was Mary Magdelene, Isaac played Christ.  I was amazed at them all!  They had practiced their parts well enough they had it memorized.  Mat read the story from the bible about the resurrection and they all did their thing.  It was awesome!  It was a great start to a great day of conference.  I felt so uplifted listening to the messages and the kids did remarkably well listening to all 4 hours.  I only slept through the last hour, so I felt good about that too.  : )

Yesterday morning we went to the Easter Social at the Cancer Wellness House downtown.  It is a great place where they offer support to anyone that has been affected by cancer.  They have groups for the kids and Mat and I (not to mention free massages).  I was able to connect with a woman who is the mother of a girl at Mat's school.  She also had breast cancer and was instantly supportive when I told her what I was doing.  We had a great morning and will continue going to the groups and getting support there.

I was able to reconnect with one of my cousins last night.  It has probably been close to 10 years since we really talked.  I have pictures of us "walking" together at graduation from the U in 1997--great memories!  I can't believe how much Jennifer has been through in the last few years.  I just wanted to get in the car and drive to Cedar City so I could give her a great big hug.  I regret letting life happen and not being around to help where I could.  You know what?  That is one of the great blessings in all of this.  Cancer has caused me to slow down, examine my life and my priorities, and do away with those things that don't really matter.  Jennifer, be "steadfast and immovable" as you work toward your goals and always remember our only true source of strength, OK?  (Mosiah 5:15).  I love you!

I called my friend, Heather, who is a photographer, to see if she would take my picture while I still had a few eyelashes and could put on make-up.  I hate putting on make-up because then I have to wash it off and more falls out!  She, of course, was willing . . . but I was reluctant.  I struggle with this "hairless" identity of mine, and frankly, just want it to go away.  I am not sure if this is an identity I want to embrace, but it is a part of my history, so I did the pictures.  I will look back in a few months or years and be amazed at what I've accomplished with the help of so many!  Maybe then, I will have a picture printed for my scrapbook.  : )

Did I sign up for this part of the cruise?

Today has been an interesting day.  I don't want to sound like a "drama queen", but Mat said I should document this as part of our journey.  This morning, as she always does, Brooklyn opened her bedroom door to tell me that the baby was awake.  I stumbled out of bed and went to the kitchen to make a bottle.  As I put it together, the room started to spin, I blacked out, my legs buckled and I ended up on the floor.  Thank heavens Mat was home today!  He rushed in and helped me up and walked me to my room.  When we got to the bedroom door, it happened again.  He helped me get up and get into bed, where I stayed for most of the day.  I wish Brooklyn hadn't witnessed it, I don't want her to be afraid.

We had planned to take the kids to the Rec. Center today and play raquetball and swim.  Mat called his parents to see if they could come and sit with me while they went.  I have always wanted our lives to stay as "normal" as possible through all of this and I wanted them to go, even though I couldn't.  Thanks, grandma and grandpa, for coming and taking care of things so Mat could do Dad stuff!  We love you!

Singleys came over tonight and we watched a "chick flick", much to James' disappointment.  He was a good sport and humored us, but we agreed that the next movie would be more exciting.  : )  Thanks for coming over guys!

Total Exhaustion

It has been a weird week.  I have basically experienced no nausea with the Taxol, which I am so grateful for!  My nurse, Barbara, told me that when all those steroids wore off, I would be extremely tired.  Whoa.  Am I tired!  My whole body feels "numb" with exhaustion.  Mat has spring break this week, so he has been a huge help to me.  He is my angel who never ceases to amaze me!  He just takes over and does what needs to be done.  I love him a lot!  : )