My "New Normal"

I went to the retreat in Park City this weekend put on by the Image Reborn Foundation.  What an amazing opportunity to meet and bond with 10 other women from all over the country who have been through what I've been through!  I felt like I was 14 again, staying up ridiculously late chatting and laughing my guts out!  Sheila and Donna from Image Reborn pampered us and made us feel so special.  The first thing Donna said to us was, "OK, let's go over the ground rules.  You aren't to lift a finger the entire weekend!"  That was the only rule.

We had speakers (as well as massage therapists and the 'facial' ladies) come in and talk to us all three days.  One of them helped me to see that my "new normal" is what I am/what I look like right now.  It's OK to be where I am, with a bald head and lots of scars. I have struggled a little bit because of that. I've just wanted to feel and look "normal" again. But it's all good.  I can't change the last 7 months, in fact, I wouldn't!!!  I know that this is part of my life's journey that needed to happen because I needed to learn.  I've learned so many things I would never have been able to without breast cancer.  I have come to peace with that. 

McKinley had her first birthday last Friday!  I remember thinking early on that I would be finished with the hard stuff when her birthday rolled around, and it felt like the day would never come.  It feels good to be here!  Happy Birthday McKinley!

More milestones . . .

I am happy to report that I am "port-free"!  On Monday, I went to IMC and had my port removed.  It's kind-of gross to think about, but here's a picture.  : )

Here we are waiting . . . and waiting, to be taken downstairs for the procedure.  Mat was happy about the waiting part.  The World Cup was on.  Can you see my hair?!?

That little thing was just below my collar bone on the right side, right under the skin.  I hesitated asking the PA doing the procedure if I could have it.  It is kind-of gross, it is "technically" a biohazard, but I knew the kids, especially Isaac, would love to see it.  : )  When I asked if I could keep it, she said, "Of course you can!"   My oncology nurse would stick a needle into the center of the port for the chemo drip.  The tube was fished into a vein that led to my heart.  I was grateful to have it as it saved me a lot of grief with IV's in my only good vein in the arm I have left.  But I'm glad that bump is gone.  Now that I've documented it, it's going in the trash!  : )

I also want to report that I have teeny, tiny eyelashes beginning to grow.  You have to look really close, but they are there!  I am so happy to have things returning to normal!  I've felt really good and have been able to get so much done with the energy I have.

I took Brooklyn to her play therapy session on Monday.  She was really nervous, but relaxed toward the end.  I think this will be a great thing for her!  I want nothing more than for her (and the others) to feel safe and confident that everything is fine.  We have another appointment on Monday.

Tender Mercy

Brooklyn has had a really hard time lately.  About every other day, she cries hysterically and tells us she feels like she needs to vomit (this has been going on for quite a while).  It happened several times yesterday.  Not knowing what else to do, I made an appointment at KidsCare.  I want her to know that I care about how she's feeling and will do what I can to help her feel better!  I felt fairly confident that her suffering wasn't nausea at all, but stress related to my cancer.

The doctor was awesome!  I told her what Brooklyn's symptoms were and (in code) that I thought this was all more likely caused by stress over my illness than a virus, and she agreed.  She talked to both of us for a long time, she showed genuine interest in Brooklyn and concern for her well-being.  The doctor was a complete stranger to us, we had never seen her before.  I was so impressed!  She suggested I see if I could find a "play therapist" to help her work through her feelings.  Through a friend in the field, I was able to set up an appointment for Monday.  What a blessing!  Thanks Kathy!

I am feeling really good!  I feel like I am trying to make up for lost time, with my daily lists of things to do and my drive to accomplish as much as possible.  : )   Mat has been a great support as we take turns getting things done.  We're making good progress on our projects around the house, it will be a productive summer for us.  Happy Fathers Day to Mat and all you dads out there!!!

Milestones

One of my regular readers asked me today if I was done with the blog.  It's true, I am not as consistent as I was when I was going through surgeries and treatments.  Frankly, I'm amazed I had something to say just about every day!  I will keep blogging when there are important / interesting things to report.  I've been thinking about all of the emotions that came with my diagnosis.  I just went back and read some of my early entries, I am amazed and speechless!  All I can say is my heart is full of gratitude tonight, I feel so blessed to have gone through what we've been through!  My perspective and priorities have changed, my testimony has been strengthened.  We now have a better idea of what we can do to help others when there is a need, because so much has been given to us.  We are better people today than we were when all of this started.  I think Heavenly Father gives us what we need, when we need it (whether we think so or not!) and is there to help us through the hard times if we will open the door.  One of my favorite gospel pictures is of Christ, standing at the door, knocking.  I have loved this picture since I was a kid.  I understood it back then, that He is there ready to help us, but we have to open the door!  What a blessing!

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.     Revelations 3:20

Tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of my first surgery, and this week marks one month from my last chemo.  No wonder I feel so GREAT!!  I don't really need naps during the day anymore, my energy is coming back, I'm making bread again, I've been able to work in the yard, and I'm training for another half marathon.  Today at church, someone said to me, "You have more fuzz than you did last week!"  Even my hair is filling in enough that people notice.  : )  So, all I want for Christmas is a HAIRDO!  Love to you all!

A Sense of Normalcy

I don't have a lot to report right now.  Life is getting back to normal, I guess a new normal?  I kind-of miss having consistent, daily contact with friends and family.  You all have made such a difference for us!  When I think of all the things that came together for us, all I can feel is gratitude.  : )  So many people have made such a profound difference, in bringing together exactly what we needed when we needed it.  Totally amazing to see it all in action!

My last chemo was two weeks ago.  Occasionally I have a twinge of sadness over the appearance of my head and lack of eyebrows and eye lashes.  Occasionally, I feel a twinge of sadness when I think about what we have all been through the last six months!  But then I remember the miracles and none of it matters.  Early on, I didn't really understand how the screenings would work after all of this was done.  I thought I should insist on a bone scan, at least every six months, so that if anything decided to show up, we'd be right on top of it.  My oncologist explained to me that since all of the cancer was removed in the surgeries and the chemo has taken care of any floaters there might have been, we can safely assume that I am cured!  So, I have felt some relief since my treatment.  All of my energy and focus is on my family, my goals/our goals, having a great summer and doing lots of fun things together.

My sister, Mel, coerced me into another half marathon, the Cedar Canyon Half on September 18th.  Anyone interested?!  Ha, ha, ha!  NO Pressure!!!