Meltdowns are OK, right?

I've written this post over 4 days, it's a little scattered!

Today (Sunday) was such a hard day for me.  I'm really struggling with a feeling of "lacking" so many things.  Covid has changed our world so much and I'm not optimistic about that changing anytime soon.  I can't stand the thought of not having church like we're used to, access to temples, those simple monthly activities that are optional but fill my bucket, the support services and having companions at Huntsman, the ability to move around freely and not having to worry about how close I am to someone.

Do you ever get annoyed because there are people around you NOT wearing a mask? or feel judged or looked down on because you forgot to bring it with you?  Or, the worst thing I've felt, is when people I know feel like they can't get physically close enough to talk to me or that our family is a danger somehow?  I have two consecutive thoughts running through my head all the time.  "Come on people! Take this seriously!" and "Relax people! We're good!"  Don't get me wrong, I want this to end as much as the next chick.  But there has to be balance, a safe place in the middle.  What if this goes on for another year or more? I can't go another year without most of the things that are important to me.

Moving on: I'm not sure what made me think of it recently, but on our 15th anniversary, Mat and I put together a list of where we wanted to be on our 30th anniversary.  That was 2009!  I asked him if he knew where it was, and said he'd look for it. It was written on a half sized legal pad with yellow paper.  Mat has been going through the stuff in the office to try to find it.  It would have been our style back then to type it up on the computer. In those days we used WordPerfect (remember that relic?) so he couldn't find it there.  But he did eventually find the paper we wrote it on!  I couldn't believe it, after all these years we still have it.

The first thing on the list is that we actually have a 30th anniversary.  I remember it was me that said it.  There was so much going on at the time, having another baby, remodeling in the house for said baby, budget struggles, managing 2 businesses, etc.  It was a really stressful time.  I think that's so ironic now, that "we make it to 30"!  That was just 4 months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer the first time.  We had no idea what would be happening in our lives at 30 years together. Look at where we are now.  Still being around for a 30th anniversary would make me super, super happy!

Some of the other things were on the list were getting the two older kids on and home from missions, having three kids in or through college, me in MoTab, having a tent trailer and a vehicle to pull it, then taking our kids on a cross country adventure to the east coast!  We both served missions in Europe, so taking our family there seemed important, we thought for sure we would have our house paid off by our 30th ... if you know us well, you know what we've been able to accomplish and what we haven't.  😁

The stack I hope to have when I play Secret Santa!

One other thing I have always wanted to be able to do is to be a Secret Santa.  If you search "Kansas City Secret Santa" on youtube, you'll find videos about the original Secret Santa, a successful businessman in the midwest.  He wanted to remain anonymous until he was close to the end of his life.  He would take large amounts of $100 bills from his fortune and bless people's live around Christmas.  Sometimes he would do the giving himself, he would find people at laundromats or thrift stores, or gas pumps or whatever.  Sometimes he would give a good chunk of money to the police force in a city, where police would drive around looking for people who they thought could use a little help.  I always loved the idea, kind of obsessed over it maybe! The only thing I'm missing is the $Benjamin Franklins$.  I WANT TO BE A SECRET SANTA at least once in my life, with a small stack of $100 bills at Christmas time.  That would make me the happiest person ever!

Our current camping is at the Spruces in big Cottonwood Canyon.  Before we left yesterday, we got a little wire fence up around my flowers in the back.  This is a new bed along the back fence.  We've worked so hard tearing out the junk that was there, redoing sprinklers, building a patio, fire pit and retaining wall.  We are two months behind schedule on the new fence on the south side - where the dogs will be allowed when outside.  In the meantime, they run through the dirt, trample the plants, and chew the stems off my new perennials and shrubs. I've threatened their longevity at our house more than once, especially the little one.  She's the one who chews perennials off right at the base of the stem, in addition to the buffet in the living room, and the banister at the top of the stairs ...  When I scold her, she looks at me with eyes that melt, and she licks my face all over.  When Bentley does something naughty, he won't look into my eyes, so I move his head until he has to look at me, then we have a quick, stern chat.  I love them and they make me crazy.

Last night (Monday) we had a long campfire and talked about everything under the sun, including politics!  Good thing we are all on the same page in 2020.  We have some going back and forth to Bountiful this week.  Mat is home right now (Tuesday) talking to the fence guys, making sure they tear out the "right" fence. Brooklyn has a doctor appointment on Thursday, I have chemo on Friday.  We're close enough that we can still do what needs to be done.  It's beautiful, the weather is perfect, everyone is happy!  So far this year we have camped at Palisade State Park, Bryce Canyon NP, Zion NP, and here at the Spruces. Spruces at night is pretty cold, we weren't prepared but made it work.

We've really fine-tuned this whole camping process.  After Mat forgot to bring the drill from home to Bryce Canyon (that's how we lift the trailer and put the stabilizers down), we just ran to Cedar City and bought one that can stay in the trailer all the time. We also bought a battery operated hand held vacuum, so when we're packing up the trailer to go home, everything is cleaned and stocked so we don't have to open it before we leave the next time.  

I'm figuring out how to arrange things so when we're cooking, things are laid out for accessibility.  I've determined that it would make my life easier if I cook the food before we go, put it in glass jars and have it ready.  Then we just warm it up when we eat. I'm not ruling out 2 or 3 more campouts/road trips before the year is over!  I would love to get to Glacier NP and Banff in Canada this year, we'll see what else we can fit in. 

Tonight (Tuesday) McKinley was having a meltdown over something silly.  She stomped off to the trailer in tears.  Mat went to talk to her, and then sent me in to talk to her. What it boiled down to is that she is terrified about what is going to happen to me.  She said, with tears streaming down her face, "Can they make it go away?"  At first I thought she was talking about the virus ... then I realized it was about me.  How do I answer that question?  All I could say is that my team is doing everything they can to help me live as long as possible.  I told her the reason we do so much camping and traveling is because we want to make as many memories as we can.  I couldn't tell her the truth.  

I took her to see her pediatrician last week so we could set up counseling with a social worker in her office. When Dr. G asked her what her worries were, she said something about the way life is now (virus, quarantine, etc.) and "six feet under."  Those are the words she uses to refer to my cancer and dying.  I've heard her say that a couple times before but didn't put it together until we were sitting with the doctor.  I honestly have no words.  I need to get myself back to see the two Annies at Huntsman. Why does life have to be so hard?

Today (Wednesday) Mat took us on a geographical information drive up Big Cottonwood Canyon.  We stopped and looked at all the information markers along the way, and would ask us questions like "is this a glacier canyon or a river canyon?"  He took us on a short riverside walk to a cave that goes back about 50 feet.  I didn't have to get too far in before I worried about slipping on the wet rocks.  I'm so paranoid about falling and breaking a hip or worse.  We walked around the Silver Lake trail near Brighton ski resort.  Silver Lake is beautiful! I don't have a recollection of ever being there before.  How did I miss this in my life? Mat grew up skiing both canyons so he knows all the cool places.  He's a perfect tour guide and teacher to rocks!

I found this bug crawling on my leg while I was reading today. When I looked
down and saw him, I screamed and danced around and made such a scene to
get him off! With antennas and all? About the size of a golf ball.