My cousin, Carly, died a couple days ago. I got a phone call from her sister Stephanie last week, she told me Carly was down to days, maybe a week, so I expected it. I sent Carly a text, knowing it may be too late for her to see it. I told her I love her and I hoped she was feeling peaceful. Then I said, "I'll see you on the other side!"
As crappy as cancer is, isn't it great to have the reassurance that we will see our loved ones on the other side? I really believe their spirits are here, around us every day, closer than we can imagine, helping us navigate the hard things in our lives. Carly's life was so hard, especially after her cancer diagnosis. I'm grateful she reached out to me in the beginning, so we could talk and share support all through our metastatic journeys. She would often ask me how I was, when I told her my updates from scans or whatever, she would express how worried she was about me, and that she would keep praying for me. I would think to myself, "Oh, Carly! Your cancer is way worse than mine! I'm praying for you!" I hope I made a difference in her life, like she did mine.
My last errand today was Costco. I pulled into the parking lot, found a row where two cars were leaving at the same time. I flagged the driver going the other way to go ahead, then pulled into my spot. Not surprising to me, it was one of my great friends in that car, the Mom of one of Maddie's best friends from elementary school. It wasn't surprising to me because that was exactly what I needed today! And Heavenly Father knew it, and He orchestrated our days so we would show up at Costco at the exact same time, and park next to each other - at the exact same time. We sat down and talked for an hour over greasy pizza and soda. My soul was lifted and I found some peace.
But that isn't all, because Heavenly Father knows! I went home and got the dogs so they could run around and burn some energy at the park. I saw a lady there named Sherry who I've seen before, we've talked and shared stories. We talked for a good amount of time. I didn't tell her about Carly, but our conversation seemed to be focused on the spiritual side of this journey, for me and her son. Her son has a very serious health condition, and at 27 is facing applying for long term disability, like I did. But at his age, he doesn't want to stop working! He doesn't want to be on disability! She shared some stories with me that tie in beautifully to my thoughts about spirits surrounding us here, helping us through the hard times.
It is sometimes hard for me to accept the will of God for me. I don't want to leave my family behind, I don't want to miss important milestones, I don't want to leave Mat to "fend for himself". I always imagined us in our 70's and 80's, walking around the block together - leaning on each other for support.
I knew after my diagnosis 4 years ago that it wasn't my place to try to "fix it". When people would approach me with miracle diets, enemas, supplements, detox programs, oils, potions, mindset ("just laugh a lot!" or "only have positive, uplifting thoughts!"), etc. I knew the right thing to do was conventional treatment. I believe I'm alive today because I trusted my doctors and have done what they recommended. They are patient with me. "Kim, do you think if maple syrup and baking soda (or a vegan diet, or smoking pot, or juicing vegetables, or a certain supplement, or liver cleanses ...) were a cure for cancer, Huntsman researchers would already know that?"
I've always known that my life path is right where it needed to be, and it wasn't up to me to try to cure myself. If God wants me cured right now, he would take it all away. But He hasn't, because for reasons I have yet to understand, He sent me down this path because I have things to learn, my family has things to learn. In the meantime, I prepare for the inevitable, and do my best to inspire and serve and love those around me.
I have chemo on Friday and will be kind of out of it for 2 or 3 days. I've found I need to sleep a lot after this particular treatment, and Mat is so great about just letting me recover. He just takes over to make sure chores get done, and projects get done. He's the best husband anyone could ask for, I love him a lot! 😘
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| View from the mountains above Bountiful, the Great Salt Lake pretty near disappeared this year! |