(Brooklyn approached ward leadership about doing a 5th Sunday or a fireside on this topic.)
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Thank you so much for reaching out!
I’ve made the list of hurtful phrases, and I hope you understand that while this list is imperfect, long-winded, and kind of repetitive, each one is important, and each was something that my friends and family mentioned when I asked what hurts them. It is also important to note that none of these are overtly offensive and are often said with good intentions. I left out the more obvious words or phrases such as slurs or statements that directly attack a person’s character. As I said, these are phrases that are usually said with the best of intentions, but they can still be damaging and hurtful. Thank you for taking the time to ask me!
1. “Hate the sin, love the sinner” or statements about “condoning” sin. Think of the Sermon on the Mount and how we could look at other people’s sins and think they are so big, while we also have sins and make mistakes just like them. This statement also makes us start on unequal ground. Like “I am loving you, sinner, from my position of holiness.” We are all sinners, and we can all work through life together. A better phrase is “love the sinner, invite them to dinner.” This makes us equal as imperfect, beautiful people. In addition, someone else’s choices aren’t ours to judge. The Savior can worry about that. Our only direction is to love. Love the sinner, and you’ll be a winner. :)
2. “Being gay is a choice” or “God doesn’t make mistakes, so you are lying.” This tells people who are legitimately wrestling with their self-worth that they are mistakes. It is also very invalidating of their experiences. Instead, we can support them by helping them feel the love of Christ.
3. “Bisexuals are doing it for attention” or “bisexuals are just gay in denial.” This is hurtful because sexual orientation is something that people can wrestle with for years, so when they finally have the courage to speak up about their experience, the extremely invalidating nature of these comments can make them doubt themselves and their worth. Instead of saying things like this, we can believe people when they tell us who they are. Thank them for telling you this very vulnerable part of them. Love them.
4. Trying to explain the “origins” like pornography, childhood assault, it’s a phase, etc. When people say these things, it’s like they are trying to explain away reality because it makes them uncomfortable. Because gay people do exist, and there is not one explanation for why. We don’t need an explanation other than it’s just who they are.
Some people also say that the reason someone is gay is because they were exposed to gay relationships in childhood or adolescence and were influenced by that. This is an untrue and hurtful statement. Having gay couples around kids won’t make them gay, but excluding people from their lives will make them think it’s ok to exclude and ridicule others. Instead, we can just know that God created our brothers and sisters just the way He knew they needed to be. We can love them for their incredible contributions to the world, and we don’t need to worry about why they are gay.
5. Trying to find solutions or prescriptive advice. Like saying, “just read your scriptures more” or “say more prayers” or “marry someone of the opposite sex and it will work out” or “stay single.” While all of these come from good intentions, this is hurtful because you would only be searching for a solution if you considered it a problem. Instead, ask them what they need. Ask how you can better love them. That’s all anyone needs.
6. “In the next life it will be fixed.” This could be hurtful because in Heaven we will be perfected. So, by saying that you won’t be gay in Heaven, you are implying that it is an imperfection or something needs to be fixed. We don’t know what will happen in Heaven, so let’s just steer away from saying this. Statements like this can also make someone who hates who they are and hates their life want to get to the next life sooner. This is not a spot that we want to put anyone in.
Rather than this prescriptive advice, we can try to listen and learn. Ask questions about their experiences. Ask for ways you can support them and help. Let them tell you what they need.
7. Things that imply “you’re allowed to be gay, but only if you do it in the way we want you to do it.” Like telling gay people to just try harder to date the opposite gender or only accepting them when they are single. Our only commandment is to love. Let’s do it!
8. “They are struggling with same-sex attraction.” This is a tricky one. Some gay people prefer to use this label, and if that is the case, we should respect it and mirror their language. However, this phrasing implies that same-sex attraction is something that is hard, bad, or something to be overcome. Instead, we could view this trait as divine or a wholesome sense of self. “I don’t struggle with same-sex attraction, I struggle with other people struggling with my same-sex attraction.” - Charlie Bird
Sometimes we want to use words that aren’t as charged as “gay” or “LGBTQ,” and that’s ok! Some things you could say instead are “sexuality” or “orientation.” Let’s ask them what their experience has been, instead of assuming that it is something that they are desperate to change.
9. Calling same-sex partners “special friend” or something, when really, it’s just their “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” If a gay person is dating, they’re “acting on their feelings.” But if a straight person is dating, then they’re just dating. We can use the same language to make people feel included and understood
10. “Don’t act on it.” This makes it seem like being gay is just about sex. But in reality, “acting on” one’s sexuality can make them kinder, more empathetic, and more like Jesus. If they weren’t acting on it, they wouldn’t be as loving or wonderful. Let people be who they are, and love them for it and not in spite of it.
We don’t have to have conversations that are completely devoid of hurtful things, because we are human! We just want to help people feel heard, understood, and loved. If that is the focus, any mistakes we make or hurtful comments said with good intentions seem less of a big deal. Hopefully, as we extend grace to others, they will do the same for us.
Another question you had was how to better minister to our LGBTQ+ friends. There are many things we can do, but one of the simplest and most important is to ask questions! If there is someone who recently came out, ask them what their experience has been. Invite them to share their story and listen well. I know that I feel the most loved and valued when people show they care by asking questions about things I care about and things I’ve experienced. We want to elevate people’s voices as much as we can, especially voices that have historically been silenced or repressed.
Being part of the LGBTQ+ family is different than belonging to other minority groups because it is easy to hide it. I know of at least three of our Young Women in the closet and one of the Young Men. It is vital that we talk about LGBTQ+ people with respect and dignity because we never know who is listening! To love and minister to closeted individuals, we can watch the way we speak about these topics, and make sure we are clear about our love. One thing I’ve learned is that people get hung up on “getting it.” Like they have a hard time loving people who are different because they don’t understand. It’s ok to not understand because we have all had many different life experiences! I’ve discovered that first we must love, support, and give dignity to these individuals. “Getting it” can come after.
The second question you had was how to foster inclusion in our ward and youth. I think the best way to do this is to get to know our youth. When you can see the beautiful, diverse, and worth of each child of God, it makes it easier to love them. As a youth group, we could definitely work to grow closer outside of our classes. Having excellent leaders like yourself and Sister Hamblin get to know each young man or woman can also make an enormous difference in people feeling included and loved. I also think that speaking up when we hear something hurtful or problematic is vital to promoting closeness and unity. For example, if a member of the ward says something racist or homophobic, someone standing up and saying something could save a life.
The main reason I wanted to do something like this was because I know that LGBTQ+ kids are dying by suicide at 3X the rate of their straight peers. The Trevor Project released a study that showed that having one supportive adult in a child’s life can decrease their risk of attempting suicide by 40%. It is within our power to change the way these kids view themselves and the way the world sees them. We can be the support they need to make it through. God’s love and grace will lead us as we strive to make the world a better place for His children.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I care deeply about this topic, and I just want the world to see how we as individuals and a church can become better through the Christ-like example of LGBTQ+ youth and adults. People like you who are willing to grow and learn are the ones who will change the world.
Brooklyn Ulmer
I'm not going to lie, when we were first introduced to this reality, it wasn't easy to accept. But we quickly learned that the best thing, and the only answer for our kids was that we loved them unconditionally, no matter what they choose. And I'll tell you what, them knowing that has made all the difference in our family. I believe the ONLY thing that will get us through day to day is to LOVE, not JUDGE! Let's have a collective shift in our mindset toward LGBTQ+, in our homes, communities, congregations, and save some lives in the process. 💗