All the Feels

 I wish I could think about nothing. I'd love to go to some remote place and sit in silence for hours at a time-and it can't be my bed. I hardly ever wear a hat, what's the point when I'm this many years into cancer? BTW, 6 ¼ years. I just need to go as long as July next year for our 30th anniversary.

There's an adorable little boy in the ward, maybe 1 ½ to 2 years old? One day his eyes went slowly up my body and stopped on my head. I asked him if he wanted to feel my head that was so different from everyone else. He slowly nodded a shy ... "yes" so I bent down and touched my head so he knew it was OK to touch it. I asked his older siblings if they wanted to touch it too. Both nodded a shy "no".

I do that sometimes so my bald is normal to kids who see me, maybe they'll be more brave next time someone offers their head for touching. I find that older kids are too cool or embarrassed to touch my head. It's like someone touching a pregnant woman's belly. Eek!

I've been obsessing about getting another pair of UGG winter boots. When we had our first dog, and I, as the human wasn't fully trained on how to do "dog" yet, that dang pup dragged one of my UGGs out the back door and chewed it to pieces. I kept those boots for longer than reasonable, because my sis-in-law sent them to me after my diagnosis. I loved those boots, wore them everywhere! I couldn't stand the idea of throwing one perfect UGG boot (and one chewed up UGG boot) in the trash! But that's what I did after accepting the fact that one boot was NOT bringing me joy.

Last night I was looking on Marketplace and found a pristine pair for half off the regular store price (which is obscene-don't google it!). They are the tall ones, worn twice. So I reached out to the seller who lives 30 minutes from me and told her I loved the boots I had, but I'm end stage cancer, and wasn't sure I could justify the cost at this point in my life, or even if I will live for them to see spring (that news flash is still forthcoming). She lowered the price and I'm picking them up tomorrow. Hooray!!!

No kids were home tonight, so we went to Olive Garden and ordered a spartan meal to share and save money. Our waitress came several times to make sure we were good, and we were, but I have taste distortion happening right now. How could Olive Garden not taste good?! Mat happily ate everything. Clearing my dishes that still had a fair amount of food on them? I told her about my taste distortion and that there was nothing wrong with the food, I just couldn't taste it. She asked us about dessert, which we in our spartan manner declined. She said, "I'm sending you home with some dessert, on the house! What would you like?" We'll be eating pumpkin cheesecake for breakfast. She was so nice, went out of her way to make sure we were happy. She got a healthy tip from us.

I had my CT scan today, had the results by middle afternoon. In a nutshell, The biggest problems are still in my liver. The giant tumor, previously 9 cm x 6 cm, is only one cm smaller. But there are new tumors in that general area as well. (More later!)

OK, here's the conclusion of my last post, what we're going to do about it. Dr. Buys called me to go over the results last night. She wasn't completely unhappy because we went forward and backward. I'm going to do one more 3 month cycle on Taxol, then get another scan. At that point we'll talk more about options, whether to stay on Taxol (because maybe it will work, we could try a different drug, or forget treatment all together-those are my options). I'm kinda at that point, friends. If fatigue makes "living" difficult, its a valid reason to stop. It will be a hard decision to make, I'm certainly not "living". I can get by on a very basic level at home, but I can't be on my feet very long, like making food would be impossible. I can't go shopping unless I know there are reliably charged carts, or a wheelchair I can use. That pretty much means Costco.

I didn't want to alarm anyone with this news, Mat doesn't like it when I talk about it. He has an idea in his head of what he wants me to try to get to. I have an idea of how much more I think I can handle. As I type this the bottoms of my feet feel like they're on fire - neuropathy. It's no cake walk. I'm so used to side effects, I hardly ever mention the less obvious ones. So, that is my life right now. There will be no drastic decisions for several months!

Amazing Friends!

 Might as well do a post, despite it being almost 2 am! I have chemo tomorrow, but Mat is my driver, so it’s fine.

I’m super lucky to have amazing friends who make sure to keep up with me! Last Saturday I called one of my only friends left from high school (not meaning the are dead, but I’ve lost track of them!). It has been years since I saw Glenda! She’s lived in Farmington her whole life, and why is it so hard to connect?!? L.I.F.E. happens. She owns a cute house in Farmington, a money pit like the rest of us! She’s hardly changed, except the gray that’s coming through her gorgeous dark curly locks! We talked for 3 hours at The Habit in Station Park, not really ever slowing down … but when it’s time to go, you know.

I went to lunch today with Shauna who I share red hair with, and damn breast cancer, and we both have families that didn’t turn out QUITE like we always imagined! I met her the first time around, when the idea of switching to a vegan diet seemed like the golden ticket! We both gave it a good try, I forced the meal plan (in a positive way ) for about 2 years before I threw in the towel. It’s hard to want to feed people when they grumble the whole time about eating what you prep for them! So I switched my ideal cancer diet to the “eat whatever I want” diet. My weight is going down and the cancer cells are trending up! So who in the heck cares!

So, friends, I’m going to be around for a while yet, so come visit me! Sherri,

Colleen, Deneice, Wanda- at Kimball Junction?? Let’s do lunch or something. All are welcome, of course! And Pretty much anytime of day or night (because it’s now 3 am) and I’m still writing! Best hit the sack though. I love that I have so many people who follow me and pray for us!!! LOVE is the understatement of the day!

p.s. I forgot one or two. Jorge Anette Dennis randomly brought dinner a couple nights ago, which was so great! Jorge is the man who ran to my aid when I was first diagnosed (2009), giving me a giant bear hug and telling me everything would be Okay, to trust that HF does keep his promises to his beloved children!

Lastly, the Alaska Annette who came to visit her grand babies, but always saves a day for the “Bountiful friends”. I’m lucky to one one of them! She wanted to try out “my favorite” Indian food. Mambai House, Malai Kofta medium heat with garlic naan and throw in a mango lassi if I’m lucky!!! Royal India in Bountiful has killer Malai Kofta too.

A Funny Thing Happened...

 A funny thing happened while I was out dropping off a few things tonight. I had been at my friend, Sarahs, then went south on Legacy parkway because my next drop to my sister in NSL. I realized real quick that I pulled in from Hwy 89 to Legacy right behind my sister, who had been in Morgan with family. I know their car and that she would be driving, not Michael. I knew it was them. So I carefully tried to get their attention, to no avail. They turned into their neighborhood, but turned up by Wasatch Peak and pulled over on the side of the road. So I pulled up next to them and unrolled my window--then she saw who I was! She said her next stop was going to be at the police station, but it didn't get that far. So I followed them the rest of the way to their house. Funny: I recognized them immediately, in their car, but my shiny head and the gray Honda Pilot I've driven for years didn't clue her in. I told her she was going a bit too fast on Redwood Road, but I'd let it slide this time. When she said I should come back in visit again, I said "You gotta make it a little easier on me next time!"