Just thought I'd post this AWESOME video the Church put out about being grateful . . . for everything, even the crappy stuff!
I was holding it together the best I could yesterday when we arrived at church. We sat down and I looked up and saw Derek at the sacrament table with a pink ribbon pinned to his suit coat. Then the tears came and stayed for the rest of the meeting! He's the son of my friend Mary, who has done so much for me already. He's been wearing it for two weeks since he heard my news. WOW!
I've been OK today. I always wake up in the morning feeling a little overwhelmed by it all, but then I'll have half a dozen people call and offer to help with anything we need. Thanks Jessica, Karla, Paul, Alli, Theresa, Cathy, Connie and Mel--who is bringing me a present from Hawaii!! (that's just who called today) We'll get through this because of the love and concern from all of you.
By the way, I now have 7 friends running the Ogden Half Marathon with me on May 15th! I'm so excited! Thanks to Esther, Marilee, Kari, Marisa, Glenda, Colleen and Holly! Any other crazies (as Colleen calls us) out there? I'd love to have an army of pink shirts! You really can do it, I promise! Register at http://www.getoutandlive.org/. : )
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Saturday's Roller Coaster
I've been pretty emotional today, I can't seem to kick it! Mat's just gone to the Messiah Sing-In with his family and I'm hoping I can hold it together until he gets home. Maddie and Isaac went with him, so I have the little kids here.
We were able to go to the temple again this morning, thanks to Amy, an AWESOME young adult in our ward who tends for free when it is for the temple. I so appreciate her and her willingness to help us out in this way! I'm not sure there will be time to go again before surgery on Friday, so I'm very grateful for the opportunity today. While there, we ran into our former bishop from the ward I loved so much (that was dissolved--previous post). I feel supported where ever I go!
After that, I was able to go to lunch with an old friend Diana and her friend Jan, whose done breast cancer . . . twice. She gave me tons of information and answered questions, which I appreciate because I have so many! I've known Diana, literally, since birth. Our parents were friends before we were born, and she was born just 5 days before me and my sister were born. We lost each other for a while after we got married, but have reconnected which makes me HAPPY! Diana, we can't ever get lost again, OK?
After I got home, I got the baby down for a nap and I managed to get one too. Mat took the kids to the library so the house would be quiet. Man, I love him. How did I manage to get a husband like him? He is my rock right now, I don't know what I'd do without him. Our marriage will be stronger through all of this. : ) Please keep us in your prayers!
We were able to go to the temple again this morning, thanks to Amy, an AWESOME young adult in our ward who tends for free when it is for the temple. I so appreciate her and her willingness to help us out in this way! I'm not sure there will be time to go again before surgery on Friday, so I'm very grateful for the opportunity today. While there, we ran into our former bishop from the ward I loved so much (that was dissolved--previous post). I feel supported where ever I go!
After that, I was able to go to lunch with an old friend Diana and her friend Jan, whose done breast cancer . . . twice. She gave me tons of information and answered questions, which I appreciate because I have so many! I've known Diana, literally, since birth. Our parents were friends before we were born, and she was born just 5 days before me and my sister were born. We lost each other for a while after we got married, but have reconnected which makes me HAPPY! Diana, we can't ever get lost again, OK?
After I got home, I got the baby down for a nap and I managed to get one too. Mat took the kids to the library so the house would be quiet. Man, I love him. How did I manage to get a husband like him? He is my rock right now, I don't know what I'd do without him. Our marriage will be stronger through all of this. : ) Please keep us in your prayers!
Friday, November 27, 2009
More of Today's Blessings
Yesterday, I got a call from a good friend of mine, Eileen, asking me if I wanted to go to the temple with her. I don't see Eileen very often because she moved to Kamas a few (couple?) years ago. So, of course! We met at the temple this morning and I felt so peaceful and calm there. It was so nice to see her and to feel of her love and concern for me and the family. Thanks Eileen!
I got to go to lunch today with my twin and a couple of friends from high school I haven't seen in at least 15 years. It was so fun to get together and catch up! We sat in our booth for 2 hours, I'm sure the waitress was ready for us to leave! All three of them told me they'd run the Ogden half marathon with me on May 15th (see previous post). YEAH! I'm so excited (that's 4 running with me)! We're definately going to make matching shirts, it should be a blast. Thanks Kari, Marilee and Glenda (and Colleen)! Any more takers? You really can do it, there's plenty of time to train for it. Ask me questions, I will help you! I started running not that long ago and know how starting from "zero" is! If you think you might do it, get registered soon! They have a cap for the number of runners they'll allow and it always fills up fast. http://www.getoutandlive.org/
I just have to say how grateful I am right now for all of the love and support I have from so many people! And I'm grateful to feel Heavenly Fathers love through all of this. The day before my mammogram, I told Mat that I did not have a strong enough spiritual foundation for a crisis of this magnitude. You know what? I've learned that we can leave Heavenly Father, but Heavenly Father never leaves us. Even though my scripture study and everything else is sketchy at times, I know undeniably that he is carrying me right now. I felt it very early on and have felt it ever since. Read Mosiah 24:14-15 (previous post), that is what I am holding onto right now.
I got to go to lunch today with my twin and a couple of friends from high school I haven't seen in at least 15 years. It was so fun to get together and catch up! We sat in our booth for 2 hours, I'm sure the waitress was ready for us to leave! All three of them told me they'd run the Ogden half marathon with me on May 15th (see previous post). YEAH! I'm so excited (that's 4 running with me)! We're definately going to make matching shirts, it should be a blast. Thanks Kari, Marilee and Glenda (and Colleen)! Any more takers? You really can do it, there's plenty of time to train for it. Ask me questions, I will help you! I started running not that long ago and know how starting from "zero" is! If you think you might do it, get registered soon! They have a cap for the number of runners they'll allow and it always fills up fast. http://www.getoutandlive.org/
I just have to say how grateful I am right now for all of the love and support I have from so many people! And I'm grateful to feel Heavenly Fathers love through all of this. The day before my mammogram, I told Mat that I did not have a strong enough spiritual foundation for a crisis of this magnitude. You know what? I've learned that we can leave Heavenly Father, but Heavenly Father never leaves us. Even though my scripture study and everything else is sketchy at times, I know undeniably that he is carrying me right now. I felt it very early on and have felt it ever since. Read Mosiah 24:14-15 (previous post), that is what I am holding onto right now.
Today's Blessings
I had the good fortune to talk to a great friend last night. We met a few years ago when our stake was being reorganized. The ward I loved with all my heart was being dissolved and we ended up in the 1st ward. Karen was called to be RS Pres. at that time, and the size of her heart and love for everyone was immediately evident. Whenever I see her, at stake meetings, or in the grocery store, I always get a hug from her. I called her last night to thank her for her love, concern and support. We talked for 40 minutes and she helped me to realize what my real concerns are. Yes, I am afraid, not so much of the surgery, but of the treatment that comes after. At this point, I have no details about the duration, frequency, or strength of the chemo. But I have been told that because of my age and circumstances, they will be aggressive. My concern is not so much for me, because I know I can handle it. My concern is for the kids, especially the baby. I can't talk to her and explain what is going on. I can't explain why I am too sick to hold her and love her. I can't just turn on a video to pass the time. Her needs are constant and her naps too short! I know that things will work out, that we will have an army of helpers as we work our way through all of that. Thanks Karen! (more later)
Thanksgiving (from Mat)
A few nights ago we watched "Biggest Loser" and the contestants were facing going home without trainers, doctors and all the support they had at the show's ranch. As one of their trainers asked them about it they all gave great upbeat answers about how they were excited to implement what they had learned, about how their lives were changed and that they weren't going to backslide. Then the trainer said "That's exactly what I would want to hear, but..." He questioned them about fears of going home and their emotions began to come out. Would they really be able to sustain the changes when the majority of their life had been the other way? Would the home environment hinder their progress, or be difficult to change? They weren't so sure.
It's interesting with this adversity surrounding us at Thanksgiving how I could relate to those people. I love this holiday and tend to think it one of the most important of the year. I am certain that cultivating gratitude and expressing it to God is a sure way to happiness. But of course my focus today has been on the upcoming surgery and the care of Kim and the kids afterwards. We didn't make our usual effort at considering blessings we enjoy. I'm happy to report though that we didn't slip into bitterness considering the adversity either. Kim and I are striving to keep things normal, especially for the kids and I think we succeeded today. The three older kids and I enjoyed a bike ride while Kim and the baby napped. Later on we gained strength from visits with both our families, who all made their support clearly evident. Are we feeling gratitude this day? More than we can express. Are we scared? You betcha, don't let me fool you. There is alot of uncertainty for me now about how hard recovery will be for Kim, and about caring for her along with the kids, especially the baby. How will I sustain work, especially with the musical starting? I hope to be preparing myself for that in the next few days. But let me finally make my gratitude list today by saying that I am grateful for strength from God, family, for Kim's inner resolve, and for all of you friends and neighbors who support her.
It's interesting with this adversity surrounding us at Thanksgiving how I could relate to those people. I love this holiday and tend to think it one of the most important of the year. I am certain that cultivating gratitude and expressing it to God is a sure way to happiness. But of course my focus today has been on the upcoming surgery and the care of Kim and the kids afterwards. We didn't make our usual effort at considering blessings we enjoy. I'm happy to report though that we didn't slip into bitterness considering the adversity either. Kim and I are striving to keep things normal, especially for the kids and I think we succeeded today. The three older kids and I enjoyed a bike ride while Kim and the baby napped. Later on we gained strength from visits with both our families, who all made their support clearly evident. Are we feeling gratitude this day? More than we can express. Are we scared? You betcha, don't let me fool you. There is alot of uncertainty for me now about how hard recovery will be for Kim, and about caring for her along with the kids, especially the baby. How will I sustain work, especially with the musical starting? I hope to be preparing myself for that in the next few days. But let me finally make my gratitude list today by saying that I am grateful for strength from God, family, for Kim's inner resolve, and for all of you friends and neighbors who support her.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Day After . . .
I've had a myriad of emotions today! I spent 3 1/2 hours on the phone this morning talking to friends and family, making appointments, and asking lots of questions. The support and love I feel right now is overwhelming! A huge THANKS to every one of you! I am so grateful to have your love and support right now. A lot of people have told me how strong I am through all of this. Today, as I was talking to Wanda, an awesome friend I haven't seen in several years, a scripture came to mind. Mosiah 24:14-15.
14- And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15- And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."
Whoa. Isn't that amazing? That makes it clear to me what my responsibility is in all of this.
I have appointments on Tuesday with the Radiology Oncologist and the Plastic Surgeon. Wednesday I go in for the MRI. Friday is surgery. I've decided that I'm going to cut off all my hair before it starts to fall out so I can donate it to Locks of Love (http://www.locksoflove.org/). Someone should be able to put this gorgeous red hair to good use!!!
Here's my other thought today: I registered for the Ogden Half Marathon (13.1 miles, baby!) before all of this happened. This will be my first half marathon. I'm going to run it and send out an invitation to everyone reading this to run it with me. Maybe we could make some cool t-shirts or something? The thing is, this one fills up fast, so if you're going to do it, you've got to get registered quick! It's all "downhill", from Huntsville down the Ogden Canyon and into Ogden. So, any takers? (http://www.getoutandlive.org/) If you need tips for how to get started, ask me! I started from "nothing" and now I run a lot. There is time from now until them to go from nothing to running. : ) And it's OK to walk a little if you need to, I will be! If I have to walk to entire 13 miles, I'll be doing this race!
14- And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15- And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."
Whoa. Isn't that amazing? That makes it clear to me what my responsibility is in all of this.
I have appointments on Tuesday with the Radiology Oncologist and the Plastic Surgeon. Wednesday I go in for the MRI. Friday is surgery. I've decided that I'm going to cut off all my hair before it starts to fall out so I can donate it to Locks of Love (http://www.locksoflove.org/). Someone should be able to put this gorgeous red hair to good use!!!
Here's my other thought today: I registered for the Ogden Half Marathon (13.1 miles, baby!) before all of this happened. This will be my first half marathon. I'm going to run it and send out an invitation to everyone reading this to run it with me. Maybe we could make some cool t-shirts or something? The thing is, this one fills up fast, so if you're going to do it, you've got to get registered quick! It's all "downhill", from Huntsville down the Ogden Canyon and into Ogden. So, any takers? (http://www.getoutandlive.org/) If you need tips for how to get started, ask me! I started from "nothing" and now I run a lot. There is time from now until them to go from nothing to running. : ) And it's OK to walk a little if you need to, I will be! If I have to walk to entire 13 miles, I'll be doing this race!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Diagnosis!
This sounds crazy, but I am completely relieved to finally know what we are dealing with! I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I have to tell you all about todays "tender mercies". My friend Sarah invited us over for lunch today. Me and my two littles went to Layton and went to Cafe Rio with Sarah and her three littlest. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed still waiting for a phone call, but it was really nice to get out and be distracted for a little while (first tender mercy). Thanks Sarah!
We all had dentist appointments today, but I couldn't stand the thought of getting my teeth cleaned while feeling so miserable. I took the kids and met Mat at the dentist, and then left to go home. This was the first chance I had to be by myself all day, so I let the emotions come. I pulled into a parking lot so my sunglasses could "unfog". Then I said a prayer, asking Heavenly Father to please get me a diagnosis today, if at all possible! Then, I headed for home. The instant I opened the front door, I heard the answering machine beep (second tender mercy). I checked the message, it was my doctor's office. I called them back immediately, the nurse asked if I could come in to the office. Yes! I called my friend, Mary, to see if she could come with me since Mat wasn't home yet. Thanks for dropping everything and coming with me, Mary! The doctor came in to give me the news, and I was so relieved. I think she was taken aback, she didn't expect me to be happy about having cancer, maybe? But I knew that I couldn't do anything about this "thing" until I knew what it was. Now that I know, I can get it taken care of. She recommended a specific surgeon and said that he happened to be in today, and he was willing to see me . . . right now (third tender mercy)!
We went and met with the surgeon, he outlined the options, we decided on a mastectomy with reconstruction. They will also remove some lymph nodes so they can test them for cancer cells. Surgery will be a week from Friday, December 4th. Early next week I'll get a MRI and meet with the plastic surgeon. He said they are pretty aggressive with younger cancer patients, so I'll probably be doing chemo too, but that will be determined after the surgery and tissues are tested. I've already come to grips with losing all my hair, whatever it takes to see my baby have babies!
So, I am relieved and happy. Heavenly Father knows me and cares about me and has been watching over me through this entire process. I'm totally kickin' cancer in the behind.
We all had dentist appointments today, but I couldn't stand the thought of getting my teeth cleaned while feeling so miserable. I took the kids and met Mat at the dentist, and then left to go home. This was the first chance I had to be by myself all day, so I let the emotions come. I pulled into a parking lot so my sunglasses could "unfog". Then I said a prayer, asking Heavenly Father to please get me a diagnosis today, if at all possible! Then, I headed for home. The instant I opened the front door, I heard the answering machine beep (second tender mercy). I checked the message, it was my doctor's office. I called them back immediately, the nurse asked if I could come in to the office. Yes! I called my friend, Mary, to see if she could come with me since Mat wasn't home yet. Thanks for dropping everything and coming with me, Mary! The doctor came in to give me the news, and I was so relieved. I think she was taken aback, she didn't expect me to be happy about having cancer, maybe? But I knew that I couldn't do anything about this "thing" until I knew what it was. Now that I know, I can get it taken care of. She recommended a specific surgeon and said that he happened to be in today, and he was willing to see me . . . right now (third tender mercy)!
We went and met with the surgeon, he outlined the options, we decided on a mastectomy with reconstruction. They will also remove some lymph nodes so they can test them for cancer cells. Surgery will be a week from Friday, December 4th. Early next week I'll get a MRI and meet with the plastic surgeon. He said they are pretty aggressive with younger cancer patients, so I'll probably be doing chemo too, but that will be determined after the surgery and tissues are tested. I've already come to grips with losing all my hair, whatever it takes to see my baby have babies!
So, I am relieved and happy. Heavenly Father knows me and cares about me and has been watching over me through this entire process. I'm totally kickin' cancer in the behind.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I'm completely overwhelmed today with the love and support I've been given the last few days! I have the most amazing friends and family! I told my friend Trish today that I've been freaking out a little because what if they call me tomorrow and tell me it is nothing? What if they tell me I'm a drama queen and I need to get a life? That would be embarrassing. : )
My thanks to Debbie who came over today and spent a long time telling me about her experience and giving me a ton of printed information. Thanks to my visiting teachers who came this morning to give me encouragement, support and lots of talk tapes to keep me busy! Thanks to everyone for sending messages and posts, I truly have been overwhelmed and haven't had a chance to respond to everyone. I get the results of the biopsy tomorrow some time and I'll post them so everyone is in the loop. Whatever it is we're dealing with, I'll tackle it with every ounce of strength I have. My hair may fall out, but I'll be OK.
My thanks to Debbie who came over today and spent a long time telling me about her experience and giving me a ton of printed information. Thanks to my visiting teachers who came this morning to give me encouragement, support and lots of talk tapes to keep me busy! Thanks to everyone for sending messages and posts, I truly have been overwhelmed and haven't had a chance to respond to everyone. I get the results of the biopsy tomorrow some time and I'll post them so everyone is in the loop. Whatever it is we're dealing with, I'll tackle it with every ounce of strength I have. My hair may fall out, but I'll be OK.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Today is Sunday and the outpouring of love and support from friends and family has been truly overwhelming. I am so grateful to live in this AWESOME neighborhood where we are surrounded by such great people. Everyone is so willing to help, in whatever way they can. THANKS to our families for their love and to all of our great friends and ward members as well. I think I got at least 20 hugs today. : )
We took time yesterday to go to the temple, which was such a boost. Despite crying the entire time, I was able to feel the Spirit and know that Heavenly Father knows me and what we are going through right now. I have no doubt He will guide us through this process. The one impression that came so strongly was that I need to ask everyone to pray that this tumor/lump will not get any bigger or spread to my Lymph system. That is the thing I can put my faith in, that it won't spread. So, if you are reading this, please do that for me!
I have to thank Holly and Mary for letting me take them away from their families yesterday so I could talk and vent and cry. I can't tell you how much you helped me! I felt good enough last night to go to the gym and get in a run. While I was there, I saw an old friend from A Cappella choir (U of U). I don't see her very often, but I'm grateful I saw her last night. She asked me how I was . . . so I told her! She told me her sister-in-law, Corrine went through this last year, so I gave her my phone number. At 9:45 p.m., Corrine called and talked to me for an hour about what happened to her, who her doctors were, how she handled her hair falling out, etc. She even told me that when they reconstructed everything, they used her belly fat, so she got a tummy tuck out of the deal too! SWEET!! She was so encouraging and I was so grateful for her phone call. Thanks Becky for always being so nice and reaching out to others! And thanks to Corrine for being so willing to help out a perfect stranger!
I'm going to start making phone calls in the morning and I'll keep you posted on the details and progress. Let's hope I don't have to wait too long before I can get in for surgery. Thanks again for all your love and support!
We took time yesterday to go to the temple, which was such a boost. Despite crying the entire time, I was able to feel the Spirit and know that Heavenly Father knows me and what we are going through right now. I have no doubt He will guide us through this process. The one impression that came so strongly was that I need to ask everyone to pray that this tumor/lump will not get any bigger or spread to my Lymph system. That is the thing I can put my faith in, that it won't spread. So, if you are reading this, please do that for me!
I have to thank Holly and Mary for letting me take them away from their families yesterday so I could talk and vent and cry. I can't tell you how much you helped me! I felt good enough last night to go to the gym and get in a run. While I was there, I saw an old friend from A Cappella choir (U of U). I don't see her very often, but I'm grateful I saw her last night. She asked me how I was . . . so I told her! She told me her sister-in-law, Corrine went through this last year, so I gave her my phone number. At 9:45 p.m., Corrine called and talked to me for an hour about what happened to her, who her doctors were, how she handled her hair falling out, etc. She even told me that when they reconstructed everything, they used her belly fat, so she got a tummy tuck out of the deal too! SWEET!! She was so encouraging and I was so grateful for her phone call. Thanks Becky for always being so nice and reaching out to others! And thanks to Corrine for being so willing to help out a perfect stranger!
I'm going to start making phone calls in the morning and I'll keep you posted on the details and progress. Let's hope I don't have to wait too long before I can get in for surgery. Thanks again for all your love and support!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
unbelievable
We are in shock today! Yesterday, November 20, 2009, I went in for a mammogram because I found a lump the end of October. Honestly, I didn't think much of it, despite having a sister who had a double mastectomy less than one year ago. When the radiologist saw it, he recommended we let him do a biopsy. We won't know until Tuesday what we're dealing with, but he said from what he can see, the lump has the characteristics of breast cancer.
REALLY?!? I'm only 39! This stuff doesn't happen until you're in your 50's, like my sister. We are in shock. I go from complete numbness to complete hysteria. I am feeling profound sadness! How will my 4 kids understand this? My older kids might get it, but my younger kids, ages 5 and 5 months? Do they really need to go through this? I am so grateful for Mat, I couldn't ask for better person to stand by my side through all of this.
I'm not sure yet what we are in for. I am a FIGHTER and you'd better believe I'll see my baby get married and have her own babies. I started this blog so I have a place where I can share our successes and frustrations, along with everything else that comes along. Please remember us in your prayers, I have a feeling we're in for a wild ride!
REALLY?!? I'm only 39! This stuff doesn't happen until you're in your 50's, like my sister. We are in shock. I go from complete numbness to complete hysteria. I am feeling profound sadness! How will my 4 kids understand this? My older kids might get it, but my younger kids, ages 5 and 5 months? Do they really need to go through this? I am so grateful for Mat, I couldn't ask for better person to stand by my side through all of this.
I'm not sure yet what we are in for. I am a FIGHTER and you'd better believe I'll see my baby get married and have her own babies. I started this blog so I have a place where I can share our successes and frustrations, along with everything else that comes along. Please remember us in your prayers, I have a feeling we're in for a wild ride!
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