Hot flashes arrive . . .

Apparently, my pattern is that I will have fevers the weekend after treatment.  I felt awful yesterday and all night, waking up this morning still feeling awful.  I took Ibuprofen to bring the fever down, and when I checked my temperature an hour later, it was back to normal.  So why was I feeling so yucky?!?  Then it comes to me.  I'm having a hot flash!  Chemo throws you into early menopause, and with it comes hot flashes.  That brought on some not-so-happy thoughts, "Why?  Why now?  Why me?  This is so hard!  I hate what this poison is doing to my body!  I just want to feel good again!"  I made it through Sacrament Meeting and then had Mat bring me home so I could take a nap. 

I've been deep in thought today about how to overcome these feelings.  Mat pointed out that a good portion of this month's Ensign is about trials and adversity, so I started reading.  There is a quote in one of the articles by Orson F. Whitney:

"No pain we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility.  All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we have come here to acquire."

I find that when I try to do this on my own, those negative feelings come.  When I try to remember that there is a higher purpose in all of this, that I can do anything with God's help, I feel more optimistic about getting through cancer and all that comes with it.  That is a lesson I've learned over and over in my life through various trials.  I will be praying that I can remember to keep God and His purposes in the forefront of my mind, that I can focus on the good that has come from all of this, and that I will be a better, more charitable person when all of this is behind me.

p.s.  This must be included for posterity sake: tonight, Brooklyn said to Mat: "Dad, I am ready for you to go back to work so I can concentrate on cuddling with Mom."