Somber Anniversaries

One year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Our  lives were turned upside-down, and while we felt shocked and overwhelmed, we felt comforted that everything would be OK in the end.  While not the hardest thing, but one of the harder things about this journey has been losing my hair.  The night of my first chemo treatment, my friend gathered my 10+ inch long red hair into ponytails.  I had the kids take turns cutting off the ponytails one by one.  I sent my hair to Locks of Love.  We got out the buzzers and my head was left shiny.  On the inside, I was weeping and mourning.  On the outside, I was strong and smiling because I had to be strong for my family.

People have said to me over and over again how strong I am and what an inspiration I have been.  Honestly, I don't think so.  I haven't done anything that anyone else wouldn't do.  Of course, it's all more bearable if you can smile along the way.  It was more bearable for me to "pretend" that my life was just as normal as it had always been.  I tried to just keep doing what I had always done.  Of course I had bad days.  I had days where I couldn't do anything but lay in a fetal position and sleep.  Chemo can really wipe you out!  But I also had good days.  I ran my first two half marathons this year, one was just two days before my last chemo treatment.  I intend to keep that up.  : )

I am six months out from my last chemo and my hair is still so short (but the red is returning!).  That is discouraging.  I was so self-conscious when I first lost my hair.  I always had a hat on and I would scan the crowds when we were out to see if there was anyone else that looked like me.  I got to where I didn't care and would go out with nothing, just shiny.  When people see a person with a shiny head, they know instinctively what is going on.  When I think about how long it might take to get a "hairstyle" again, it makes me sad, but all things will be restored in time.  My thanks to Becky, a cancer friend, who convinced me it was OK to wear baseball caps to church.  What a relief!

My physical healing is just about complete.  The emotional journey is just beginning.  The last two or three weeks have been difficult for me.  As the anniversary approached, I started to feel angry and sad about all that we've been through.  I'll never forget that Nov. 20th I got the "it's probably cancer" and on the 24th I got the official diagnosis.  I'll never forget that Dec. 14th I had my first mastectomy and reconstruction.  I'll never forget that I had more lymph nodes removed on Jan. 8th.  I'll never forget chemo started on Feb. 1st and ended May 17th.  I'll never forget I had my second mastectomy and reconstruction on November 15th. 

Since my diagnosis, I haven't allowed myself to feel anger.  I haven't allowed myself to ask why.  So, a couple of nights ago as I brushed my teeth and looked at my awkward hairdo in the mirror, I burst into tears and cried my eyes out for well over an hour.  It did me a lot of good, quite therapeutic actually.  I really needed to feel the emotions and let them go.

I've been knocked down, but I've gained way more from this experience than I have lost.  In the end, "Why me?" does me no good.  The better question is "Why not me?"  I have met so many incredible people through Cancer Wellness House, Young Survivor Sisters, through friends and acquaintences, and strangers showing their concern.  I have seen so many miracles on our behalf.  I have seen everything fall into place, dozens of people coming to our aid with exactly the right thing for that moment.  All of these things are all I need to know that God knows who we are and is ready to pour out the blessings when we need them the most.

I've had a scripture posted around our house for many months, reminding me daily of that very thing.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all  the will of the Lord.     - Mosiah 24:14-15

I don't know if this is the end of this blog.  It may be some time before I write another post.  In many ways, I want to put it all behind me and move on.  At the same time, we are changed forever.  My thanks and gratitude to everyone that has followed me on this journey.  You have strengthened our family and helped to make getting through this possible.  I can truly say that I am grateful for the experience, not that I am anxious to have more like it, but it has made us better people.  We love you!