Lost.

I kind of feel like a lost puppy.  For so many weeks my routine was predictable.  Chemo, a couple good days, a couple bad days and the couple days of recoup before the next chemo, with lots of sleeping mixed in.  I'm not sure what to do with myself now!  I have a long list of "long term projects" I want to get done, but I haven't broken any of them out yet.  I need someone to come hold my hand and get me started on something so I'm a little more productive than I have been the last couple of weeks.  Ugh!

I've been a little bit discouraged (probably because I'm not doing anything productive!).  My nausea is pretty consistent, probably because of Ibrance, the study drug.  I'm used to the other two drugs, it didn't happen with them.  I also have my first mouth sore.  It's in a discreet spot under my tongue and doesn't cause me too much trouble because it doesn't interfere with eating.  That's a blessing!  Hair loss/thinning is another side effect of Ibrance.  So, just as my hair started coming in, it's thinning out again.  My hairline looks a little like Mat's, less on top than around the sides.  Looks great on him, but it's discouraging for me.  I just want to look a little bit like myself again.  Even a short sassy hairdo would make me feel confident.  I'm OK with being a cancer patient.  I just don't want to look like a cancer patient!  And I really want eyelashes again.  Having something to put mascara on would be fantastic! For the time being, I'll have to be content with the compliments I get about how perfectly symmetrical my head is.


Over the last few days, I've read this book by an amazing cancer friend, Laura.  If you want something inspiring to read, you gotta check this out!  Laura was diagnosed stage four breast mets 17 years ago!  She's been on 11 medical/humanitarian trips since then, which totally inspires me.  She gives some raw, honest details of what it's like to have "mets," and some fascinating details about the conditions they worked under in far off lands performing surgeries in filthy conditions on the few people (of hundreds) they could work in with the time that they had on each mission.  Follow your dreams people!  I got the Kindle version for $1.




I feel like I'm always referring to cancer friends.  I've got a lot of them.  When you've done this as long as I have, and you've been in support groups and gone on retreats, and attended seminars, you meet a lot of people who have what you have!  My network of cancer support is a blessing that can't be measured.  Yesterday I went to lunch with my cancer friend, Shauna (with her awesome husband Dave--he didn't come to lunch, he's just in the picture). We went to the Citris Grill in East Millcreek, because something we've never tried sounded perfect!  She's been on the vegan/vegetarian wagon with me for lots of years.  We both slip up and then climb back on.  I had a sandwich that was really good, but neither vegan or vegetarian!  Sometimes I just crave meat, something that packs a little more caloric punch because I feel like I'm always hungry.  It was great to get together with her, and feel her love and support for me.  Her Mom died too young of BC.  Shauna fought her own battle around the time I was the first time. She has the beautiful red hair I used to have.

I have so many other friends who have been caring, helpful and amazing to me too.  I'm very grateful for you's all too!  Yesterday, my visiting teacher, Lane, helped me cut up vegetables for a couple of dinners for this week.  I should clarify.  She turned on the Olympics and put me on the couch under a warm blanket while she cut up the vegetables!  She's so sweet, always thinking of ways she can help me.  Last month, it was a game night with everyone she and Haley visit teach.  That was a blast!  It was the first time I ever played Yahtzee, and luck was on my side!  Thank you Lane!