I've had so many questions. "Why this? Why now? Why us? What will happen to Mat and the kids? How could it possibly my life's mission to die before they're grown? Can I be a positive influence from the other side? and WHY does it have to be that way! I want to be HERE with them! How could I possibly leave Mat behind?! Why does this have to be so hard? It's so unfair." This and so much more has been swirling through my mind.
Part of my struggle is that the chemo is catching up with me. My life has been relatively easy since March-ish because the chemo changed and it was easier to manage. But that "easy" chemo is taking a toll. On Tuesday, I woke up with a shooting pain up my neck, like a pinched nerve or something. I figured I slept funny and it would go away. But it came about every 8-10 seconds for the next 24 hours. I texted my massage therapist, Diane, she fit me in on Wednesday. It was the most painful massage of my life - man she's strong! While she worked out a lot of tense muscles, it didn't make the nerve pain go away. So I went for another massage on Thursday. She got deeper and made more progress, but still - nerve pain. I determined that if she couldn't work it out after two massages on consecutive days, it must be related to chemo. I still have shooting nerve pain (Saturday night), and don't know what to do about it. You may see my face flinch and my head tilt slightly. That's it.
About three days ago, this rash broke out on my arm. It's comes and goes on my other arm and the back of my neck. Last night I noticed spots just like this on my hip and knee. "So wait a minute," I say to myself. "This has the potential to cover my entire body?!" I can't scratch it because the skin just comes off. I've been in contact with my nurse this week because I also had a reaction to the hormone shots last Friday. One side looked and felt infected, but has mostly cleared up now. She came to check on me during chemo this morning. I showed her the rash and told her it appears to be popping up in other areas. I told her how hard it is to sleep at night, even with Ambien. She said I looked like I was about 2 seconds from tears. I was. She gave me some suggestions to deal with the rash, a steroid cream and OTC allergy meds. Then she came and put her hands on my knees and said, "You are so brave." I think these people who put so much into taking care of people like me are stumped sometimes. They don't know what to tell me about how to deal with side effects that make me crazy, sometimes all they can do is show that they care and they've got your back.
Wednesday night I had a complete meltdown. I cried and cried. I felt so sorry for myself! I needed to talk to someone who could help me work through all the scary thoughts I was having. I needed someone who would listen and understand, and help me change my perspective while being patient with my irrationality. I texted Cari because she's told me I could any time I needed anything. I felt so guilty because she's so busy, but she responded and we talked for a good long time.
She helped me see that my entire focus this week has been FEAR-based. My thoughts and torment stem from a need to control or dictate the outcome, that I know what's best, etc.
She reminded me that God has a plan for me. He won't take me one day sooner than I'm meant to go. He loves me so much, He knows me and has a perfect understanding of my mission and what I'm meant to accomplish on earth. She reminded me of the good that has come from all of this. The service that has been given to us in a million ways, the sub-for-Santa's, the Florida trip, the Sedona trip, our giant road trip--and most recently, getting into our house.
Friends, I started praying specifically for a house about 6 months ago. I told HF that I felt I could live longer if I had a place to work outside (my therapy), that our family would be more comfortable with a little more space, that we needed to create a space where happy memories could be made, where the kids would want to bring their friends to hang out. It's no coincidence that the entire process only took 3 weeks to happen. It's no coincidence that this particular house went under contract while we were gone in July, but fell out of contract after we got back. It's no coincidence that we had already lined up a buyer for our condo. It's no coincidence that our offer was accepted before competing offers came in. That the entire process only took 3 weeks, from the offer being accepted to picking up the keys?? Nothing short of a miracle that was gift wrapped by God, just for us.
So, just as quickly as I had worked myself into a hot mess, Cari helped me see the FAITH side of things. I'll no doubt need more pep talks as time goes on, but I'm grateful for help in working through this crisis and seeing things more clearly. We really have been blessed so much because of all of this.
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