Good days and Bad days

I go through cycles.  You guys see the good days, that's my public self.  Most of the bad days I keep to myself.  That's when I hunker down and work in the yard/garden, or flip through the channels (which doesn't take long when all you have is an antenna!) or when I really need to tune out, I wrap up in my warm fuzzy blanket and go to sleep on my bed.

Sometimes I think about how unfair all this is.  Why do my kids have to face life without their Mom??  Why does Mat have to face, think about, and deal with the idea of being a single Dad?!  Sometimes I don't like one bit where I am.  I can't really work, most days all I can muster is a couple hours of energy and productivity.  I see my kids, especially B and McK, struggle with understanding all of this.  I'm not saying the older kids don't struggle, just that they are a little better equipped and independent.

We picked up the kids from Camp Kesem today.  Everybody loves Camp Kesem, they never want to leave!  I think Camp Kesem is one of the greatest blessings of my cancer.  The kids get to go away for a whole week, they play, play, play with friends who understand what they're going through, and develop a support system that will last forever, people that will always be in their lives.  It costs the families only the gas to get there.

"Moosh" (Brooklyn) with her favorite Kesem
people, Milky Way, Cookies and Cream,
 Laffy Taffy and counselor, Guac

The only time cancer comes up at camp is Friday night before bed when the kids get together in their age groups and have what is called "Empowerment Ceremony."  Maddie ("Mozzie") went as a cook this year because they had enough female counselors.  She got to float between the groups and their different activities.  She ended up in McKinley's ("Eep") Empowerment Ceremony.  They all know that Friday night is the night they all sit in a circle and talk and cry.  Maddie said that McKinley came and wrapped Maddie's arms around her and she sobbed the entire time.  How do I deal with that?!  Seriously.  I don't know how to make this easier on the people I love the most.

I'm approaching the two year mark of being diagnosed stage 4.  Those anniversaries are killers!  I still remember the exact dates everything happened the first time around, now this.  When I got the diagnosis, my doctor gave us the "on average, women with disease like yours live . . . . . "  So every year when the anniversary rolls around, I wonder . . .  Did I use my time wisely?  Have I made a difference to someone?  Did I accomplish what I wanted to?  Does my family know I love them dearly?  Have I/we taught the kids what they need to know to live productive, happy lives?  and "I better get going on those leaving a legacy ideas I have!"  Times a tickin', I don't want it to run out before I've got meaningful things to leave my family.

While the kids were gone at camp, we tackled a big project in the yard.  We have just enough slope in this yard to be a problem.  Every time it rains, we get a flood of mud and rocks down our sidewalk in the back.  Our rain gutters are rusted out and useless, so all the water from the roof washes away the dirt in this bed.  I've debated over and over again about how to deal with it.  I didn't want to plant it and have more to maintain.  This is what I came up with.

The landscape fabric goes under the blocks to the sidewalk.  I've been to several gravel places around to see what rock they have.  It's so expensive to buy rock!  So, I went to the BLM office to see if there were places relatively close where I could pick up rock.  I settled on a location on the south side of Utah lake, about 8 miles west of Spanish Fork.  How's that for relatively close?  We've made 3 or 4 trips out here, and filled the Pilot.  One small bucket at a time.  This project has totally kicked my butt.

These spiders are everywhere, they spin delicate, intricate
 webs that you can hardly see.  We didn't notice them until
our second time out there.  

What do you say about the guy who has
come out here with me even though school starts
next week and he has a million things to do?
HE'S A KEEPER!

We hoped this was the last load, but it's not.
There's another flower bed along the south side
of the garage that needs rock too.

But this one is done!

School starts on Monday.  Everyone is back to the grind.  I've joked with Mat about seeing him again / having time for house projects / working on the sprinklers next June.  His job is nonstop, from August to June.  He's always planning, coordinating, picking music, rehearsing, doing extra assignments on the side (the national anthem at games ---- COME ON! JUST LET HIM COME HOME!  Can't the Madrigal President give them the pitch and waive her arm?!)  His choir tour will be different than the usual this year because this is the first year he's refusing to coordinate tour for his choirs AND the band ensembles.  It's taken a couple of years for him to get the courage to break off that arrangement.  And I can see why.  The band guys just let Mat coordinate everything from hotel rooms, roommates, buses, meals, events, volunteer parents, etc. etc. etc.  It was easy for them, now it will be easier for Mat.

That's it for now.