Just read it. I can't think of a title.

A couple of nights ago, I found this picture as I was going through prints that need to be digitized still. This never ended up on our wall because while I love it, it was too painful a reminder of what we had endured. This is from the photo session for McKinleys first birthday.  Pretty decent for Target! We got some other good shots of her, always with faint worry lines and a little melancholy on her face.

Man, we've been through a lot. Revisiting these pictures brings back all the emotion of that first diagnosis.  At that time I never thought I would be back here.  I planned on the normal, run-of-the-mill life I had always imagined. I'm grateful for those "cancer-less" years where we could be normal.  The cancer of the past wasn't returning because I had done everything I needed to do, with the help of an amazing team.

So many blessing have come along the way.  It's hard to say how many times the right people and the right resources have dropped into our laps. It's so evident it was/is that Heavenly Father had our backs.  I forget sometimes, I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I try to carry it by myself.  I forget to rely on Him whose strength and love have gotten us through so much.  Today a friend said after seeing this picture of McKinley, "Wow. You're amazing!  I don't know how you've dealt with that with such positiveness!"  I told her I didn't know how I did it either, then said "God is how." I'm not amazing. Heavenly Father/Mother/Christ/the Atonement is amazing!

My current struggle is extreme fatigue.  I've mentioned it a couple of times, but more and more days in the recent past I struggle to get out of bed, or to function on a basic level.  I sent my oncologist a message last night and told her that I couldn't go another week like I am.  I requested either a dosage drop in the study drug (that's what is causing the fatigue - my body is maxing out on its toxicity) or a prescription for Ritalin or something similar.  Believe it or not, that is one way they treat fatigue in cancer patients!  And since I've always had untreated ADD, it may actually help me organize thoughts, think of words I'm trying to say and have coherent conversations! I told her my preference was the ADD medication because I hate to do anything that could alter my stable state right now. She'll get back to me tomorrow!  🌳🌲 Which is a good thing because yesterday I bought 3 more trees and 17 perennials and shrubs that need to be planted.  I think all I need to finish the yard, REALLY finish the yard, is 2 or 3 more trees and 7 or 8 shrubs.  And more perennials.  No big deal.  😂

CT scans, police reports and back-peddling. Ha!

Sept. 11, 2017 (I'm recalling what happened 2 years ago, this is not a current event!)

I had my CT scan to find out where my cancer was.  It is also, incidentally, the day I found out the Facilities Management church people had filed a police report against me.  My friend, Sharla, was with me that day.  It was "exciting"!  That might be a story for another day.  😂😜😅  The police report quickly went away when I told a certain high councilman where I was and the news I was awaiting.  All of a sudden, there was much concern and prolific apologies and a visit from my Bishop within the hour.  News spread fast!

Anyway, the12th I got the news that the cancer was in my lymph system and liver.  I knew immediately the liver news was bad based on how my oncologist told me.  I needed a biopsy from the lumps in my neck to confirm it was breast cancer and not lymphoma.  Duh.  The waiting between that news and when the surgeon could do the biopsy and the results coming back from the lab?  Excruciating.

A lot has happened in the interim.  The devastation of having to come to terms with the fact that my life wasn't going to turn out like I always thought it would was/is the hardest.  Thinking of Mats and the kids struggle through all of this was/is hard too.  But even harder than that was thinking about all the things I would miss.  Graduations, anniversaries, marriages, grandkids, birthdays, missions, etc. etc.  It really felt unfair.  I'll always be grateful for my friend who had to pound into my head, "Kim, you will be here as long as God needs you here, He won't take you one day sooner than you're supposed to go!"

Y'all know that I'm an open book.  I pretty much say it like it is, I broadcast exactly how I feel on any given day on the blog or to your faces.  I'm mostly honest too.  It occurred to me recently that when people ask me how I am, I say "I'm good!"  That's mostly true.  Scans didn't see tumors the last 9 months or so, so that's fantastic!  I'm on the same chemo I've been on since the beginning - seems to be working at the moment!  The biggest side effect I have right now is extreme fatigue - it's the study drugs fault.  Yesterday, my day was this:  I got up at 10:30 or 11:00, ate my first meal of the day, watched some TV for a bit, then took a nap until I had to pick up carpool.  Mat came home a little later and I said, "I literally did nothing today."  I find that if I have a good day and push it too hard, I have to take a couple days off to rest.  So pathetic, so different from the old me.

I have a list of things to do around the house, stuff I could do without Mat.  But do you think I could get anything done??  Everything overwhelms me.  Opening the bucket of sheetrock mud to fix a few holes?  Too much effort.  Carrying the laundry downstairs?  Too heavy.  Vacuuming?  Too heavy.  Spraying the perennial weeds in the lawn?  Too much effort.  Forget it.  I have a list on the wall in my bedroom, I look at it every night and sigh.  I've had "make dentist appointments" on my list for weeks.  Apparently, too much effort despite having two broken teeth.  I really should have those looked at!

This is typically how much Brooklyn eats
for dinner.  You can't be too careful,
amIright? She's SO picky about food!

I had my support group today, which is always great.  Today we had a guest speaker, one of the doctors at Huntsman.  He talked about what they know about cannabis use in cancer treatment.  Turns out, not much!  The only thing it appears to help is nausea.  There's no proof it does anything to "kill" cancer, despite so many websites and FB groups claiming otherwise.  There were more people there than usual.  At the end, Lisa (social worker) said, "So after hearing all of this, who would still use cannabis to help with symptoms?" One or two people raised their hands.  The rest of us said No Thanks!  Especially because there is a synthetic, perfectly legal form, a prescription, I can get called Marinol.  I took it my first go around because my nausea was so bad.  It was one of the nausea drugs I rotated through.  Nausea hasn't been much of an issue (yet) this time around.  Well, not since February '18.

I've seen a lot of friends lately, that's pretty important to me right now.  I better not list them because I know I'll forget one or two!  Me and my friend Karin (met on my mission in Germany-she lives in Bountiful now!) went to see one of my favorite mission companions, I have two favorite mission companions.  She lives in Tridell, near Vernal, I don't get to see her very often.  But when you're in the shape I am, the drive is worth it!  I love her so much.  She has hard things in her life, just like everyone does.  It was great to see her and catch up!  We were together in Heidelberg, which is also where we met a new member, Karin.  That was 1992.  We laughed so much together, had amazing spiritual experiences together, ate A LOT of chocolate and gelato together.  Those are memories I'll always have, I'm so grateful!

Karin and Wanda

I went on a road trip with Maddie last week.  We went to Denver because we learned about a company called Johnson O'Connor that does aptitude testing, for help in choosing a career based on what you're aptitudes are (what you're good at, how you function in certain situations, etc)  Aren't there resources in Utah?  Not like that one as far as I know.  It's a full day of testing and then a session to go over the results and get printed materials for further study into what she would be good at and well-suited for.  We'll take Isaac later this fall to do the same thing.  We stayed with my friend Olivia and her family in Lafayette.  I could just sit and talk to her for hours (we did!).  It was great!  Here's a funny story from our drive there though.

When we were coming home from our giant road trip last summer, we drove I-70 because I'd never driven the length of it from/to I-15.  Grand Staircase is amazing, we got some great pictures.  So I got this hair-brained idea that we should go that way to get to Denver.  So we're driving south and I finally realize "shouldn't we have hit I-70 already?"  So I pull off the next exit and pull up maps.  And I realize that I missed the I-50 shortcut to I-70, never mind that I could have driven Hwy 6 to Green River and then onto I-70.  So I'm passing road signs that tell me we are 460 some odd miles from Denver, and I realize what I've done.  And I'm calculating in my head how long that's gonna take.  And try to pass it off to Maddie like "we're good . . ."  My only option is to stay the course.  So driving to Denver took a solid 12 hours instead of 8.  It goes without saying that we took I-80 to go home, but we stopped at my sisters in Morgan and talked to her for 2 hours, so we were close to 11 hours coming home.  Do I regret it?  Nope.  We had lots of time to talk and laugh, to blast Hamilton and other musical songs, and make memories.  It was AWESOME!