Long time ...

I haven't written in a while, I didn't think I had anything noteworthy going on.  It's been a pretty average month!  Nothing has changed with my health, I feel great most of the time!  I asked my doctor for a prescription of Ritalin because I was so dang tired all the time.  That has really helped a lot!  I feel like I can set out in the morning to get a few things done and get most of it done. Last time I picked up the prescription, I thought how ironic it was that I have to show my drivers license for the drug that keeps me awake during the day, AND for the drug that puts me to sleep at night.  😂

I got a text from the PTA at the junior high asking if I saw an email from them about the Student of the Month breakfast.  It had gone to my junk folder, I'm glad she texted me!  Brooklyn was nominated by one of her teachers this month, so me and Mat went to the breakfast.  Her teacher praised her for being a great kid, being kind to others, etc. etc.

She really is a terrific kid.  She keeps us on the straight and narrow.  She gets super annoyed with us when we watch TV.  The piano and the TV are both in the living room, and a puppy chewed the headphones we had.  So if we're watching TV, she can't play the piano.  I really love how she's just picked up the piano on her own.  She did have lessons as a younger kid for a short time.  About a year ago, she sat down and started practicing/playing simplified hymns, and she's just progressed from there.  I asked her if she wanted to start lessons again. She declined because she "doesn't like it when people tell her what to do" and she doesn't want to do recitals.  So funny!

I got my hair cut super short, it was a little shocking but I'm getting used to it.  I got tired of having a patch of frizz on the left side of my head, the wavy wings on the back of my head, and the wave in my bangs that didn't want to be managed.  Honestly, all I've ever wanted was perfectly wavy hair.  But it grows SO slow and I couldn't stand it any longer.  You can see the left side of my head, the hair sticks out because it is still frizzy.  It looks like bed head on that side.  😁  Anyway, it will evolve as it grows out a little.

My friend Tammy saved me when she suggested we rearrange the furniture in our living room.  The room is an awkward space because we lost some of it when we extended the kitchen.  We always had the dang love seat on the far side of the room because that's where it landed after we moved in.  There was another way to do it, and it feels so much better now!  She found (I bought) a couple of chairs to put in front of the windows, and when the Christmas tree is gone, we'll find a little table to put between the chairs.  We're going to mount the TV and I need to rearrange artwork, but SO. MUCH. BETTER.


Here is my Christmas tree.  I have so much fun decorating the tree!  It is MY tree, I designed it, and every ornament was hand picked by me.  I learned so much about designing and putting together a Christmas tree working in Floral Services a few years ago.  If we ever finish the basement, the kids will have a tree in the family room down there.

My next scan is December 18th.  I have no reason to think the results will change but my anxiety levels definitely go up the week or two before.  I noticed on my palbocyclib (the study drug) record that I am in my 24th cycle on the study.  I'm SO grateful I got on the study (because 50% of patients who met the requirements for it, didn't get it).  I might have always wondered if the study drug could have made a difference.  This way, I know we are doing absolutely everything we can, with every resource we have available to us, to fight this dreadful disease that I hate. The acupuncture and the therapy sessions help too.  I have an amazing team at Huntsman!



I found this quote at Hobby Lobby this week, and I really love it! You never know what the people around you are going through.  I think if we can do these four things, we can be a blessing to those around us.  Everyone fights a hard battle!  A dear friend of mine just lost her 22 year old son to suicide.  Another friend is dealing with a child who is abusing drugs and running amuck.  Another friend is dealing with a family members pornography problem.  Another friend has a daughter struggling with anorexia.  I have a friend (younger than me) who has dealt with chronic pain from arthritis most of her adult life.  I have a friend with a child who is disabled.  My cousin is dealing with her own serious breast cancer battle.  There is anxiety, illness, depression, loneliness, isolation, addiction all around us.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed about how to say prayers for people when I have so many people I love that I'm concerned about!  Sometimes I just say, "Heavenly Father, you know who I am worrying about - please bless them all with the things they need to get through their trials!" And I hope He is OK with that because sometimes that is the best I can do.  Sometimes I try to carry my own burden by myself. I fool myself into thinking that I can somehow control the outcome, that I know better than God does. I don't. This is what me and my family need, to learn whatever it is we are supposed to learn.  Cancer has changed me.  I'm more aware of how I use my time, I'm more tuned in to how Mat and the kids are processing all of this.  I've learned to set boundaries.  I had to let go of people that pulled me down emotionally and spiritually. I've seen so much charity offered on our behalf. I don't regret cancer for a minute.  It's hard! But hard things make us strong.

A few weeks ago, Mat said that every Sunday he wanted to have a "hard" conversation.  He wants to be able to talk about the things we need to take care of, get arranged, plan out. We've talked about my life insurance and what I want him to do with it. First and foremost, I want him to take an ENTIRE year off work. Second, I want him to pay off the house as much as he can. When you're healthy, you don't think you'll ever need life insurance.  I'm sure glad we found Dave Ramsey in 2008 and bought us both policies!  I got my first cancer diagnosis in 2009.  I would never have been approved if I had already been diagnosed.  I wish my policy was double or triple what it is (hindsight 20-20), but Mat can do a lot with the amount I do have.  We've talked about purchasing two cemetery plots in Bountiful City Cemetery.  They are actually cheaper than I thought, but I haven't read the fine print yet. There is a lot to think about, and that's as far as we are right now.  But Sunday we'll take on a new topic and slowly get things figured out. I'm a bit of a control freak and like to think through and take control of all the details (like writing my own obituary), and leave the family with as little to worry about as possible.  Anyway, lots of work to do still and I have a whole list of "Legacy Projects" I have to finish before I go -- so I may just live forever!

I need to thank so many people for doing what you've done to help make all of this easier on us.  From messages of encouragement on FB to bringing dinner every Thursday for well over a year (you know who you are!) to lunches and dinners out, to spontaneous visits, to watching the dog so we can go out of town . . . we've been blessed in so many ways.  WE LOVE YOU ALL!

Family Update/Busy Times

We had a Camp Kesem reunion on Saturday, I can always count on seeing these friends!  Our kids have benefited so much from these summer camps.  They have been going since 2010, it's been life changing for all of us!  Thanks Valee and Kristine for being stalwart attenders of all things Kesem!

A few nights ago when Maddie was coming home late, a black cat ran out into the road about a mile from home and she hit him (I'm making assumptions that he was a he!). In her panic and compassion, she stopped to see what she could do.  He was in rough shape, she tried to call both her parents who were zonked out by that point.  The cat didn't have a collar, so no contact information to help out.  So she googled and found a 24 hour emergency vet in Layton, and then drove this poor cat up there and stayed with him for a while.  The vet fixed him up the (broken leg and other injuries) and said they would check for a microchip when the cat was more stable.  If the owners can't be found, he will end up at the shelter.  I'm so proud of her.  She did the right thing taking him to get fixed up.  In a case like this, there is no charge for the person that brings in a wounded pet.  Thank heavens!  I was really proud of the way she handled all of this!  She's a great young woman!

One of the days this week, can't remember which one, I was driving home from what felt like a crazy day of errands, random things.  I saw someone walking down the street that looked a heck of a lot like Isaac, and it was!  He was walking to work, so I picked him up and drove him down.  He works at the Starbucks by Smiths. He has "calmed down" a lot over the last year.  Therapy did wonders for him, he was able to work out whatever was eating him alive so things are better at our house.  I told him I might as well come eat lunch, so I asked him what was good, and he showed me what he likes the best.  So that's what I got!  It was fun to sit with my lunch and watch him doing his thing. He's in his element down there and he does a good job.

Bentley is so cute and getting so big!
He's a golden doodle.  His talents are selective
listening and chasing after other pets in the
neighborhood.  He is also a 60 pound lap dog
who loves the family and even shows concern
for Pyper, the new puppy.

Brooklyn had her well check this morning.  It's a pleasure to go to the doctor and say, when the doctor asks, "Do you have any concerns?" and I say, "I don't worry one bit about this one!"  I talked to Dr. G about feeling like it might be good to take her to counseling every couple of weeks like I have McKinley.  When the doctor came out after their private conversation, she gave me the nod, like, "It would be a good idea to have her talk out some worries."  We start Friday, meeting with the worlds most amazing social worker, Annie at Huntsman.  Brooklyn loves school (this is junior high, guys!), she's seems to be thriving with friends and wants to do good things.  On Wednesday night, she got annoyed with her parents because we were watching Chicago PD, our guilty pleasure.  She wanted to read scriptures, say prayers and get to bed early. So she did, but we went down (at 10:00 after the show was over - because parents aren't always perfect).  We apologized for not being better with scriptures and prayer, but on Wednesday night, we would be distracted until 10:00 ... so be OK with it.  Is that terrible?!

McKinley is full of energy and enthusiasm for life!  She makes up silly songs or phrases, and sings them over and over and over again.  She begins planning her birthday right after she's had one and talks about Halloween costumes all year.  She is tender-hearted and willing to share hugs and kisses all the time.  She says she doesn't like school, but she is sure anxious to get there everyday!  She's gone to see Annie the social worker at Huntsman twice, it's been really good for her.  She's learning that tears are OK!  I'm learning the resources I have access to at Huntsman are a Godsend!  Sometimes I don't need to know all the right questions or answers.  I just need the right people on my team.

Mat is the typical crazy busy at school. When the beginning of December rolls around, I say "See you on the 23rd!" and reality isn't far off that.  He was just called as the Stake Music Chair, which is fantastic because of the 3 times a year he has a lot to do, 2 of those times he is also super busy with school stuff!  But he's always got a smile on his face and a great attitude. As for me?  I'm grateful when May rolls around.

This is Pyper.  She is a little Havanese that I'v'e wanted for so long!
Not her specifically, just one from the breed. She was supposed to
come house trained but she was not.We're finally getting the upper
hand on accidents, we only allow her in certain part of the
house - where there is no carpet!

I've been feeling some anxiety lately.  If you didn't already know I had cancer, you would never look at me and know I did.  I'm so grateful for this "honeymoon" period because I feel closer to "normal" than I have in two years.  Reality is that no one can guess when tumors will start growing again.  I pray it will be a good long time because I have a lot to get done between now and then!  I've been feeling really overwhelmed with all the stuff that comes up that takes so much time.  I'm not working right now, just doing normal Mom stuff.  My brain is so foggy, I have a really hard time remembering things, even when they are on my calendar.  I asked to be released from my calling because it was just one more thing I had to keep straight in my head.  And I've requested that I don't get another one.  Maybe I shouldn't admit that, but it's too much!  Too much!!!  There's too much heavy stuff just under the surface around here, and I've got to be "present" with my family every minute.  I can't take anything for granted, and I have to make the most of every day I have.

I have to be honest.  I would do just about anything for anyone, sometimes to my own detriment! A lot of you will remember my friend Michelle.  I've been heavily involved in her life the last 10-12 years.  I've taken care of her, watched out for her, gone on vacation with her, driven thousands miles for her, taken her for lunch or dinner a million times, I have loved her, we have laughed and cried, and moved her half a dozen times. We've had a lot of happy times together, since way back in 1989.  I care about her and worry about her a lot!  But that is all changing, she has thrown me under the bus for the last time.  It's a LONG story and I won't go into it here because frankly, I'd like to just forget it all.  That is one less thing I have to spend emotional energy on, so that is good and I wish her the very best.

Update (to clarify, Annie the acupuncturist and Annie the Social Worker are different people):
I went to Huntsman for acupuncture today and came out feeling so much lighter!  Annie is as good a therapist as anyone I've ever gone to.  She made an analogy of someone waterskiing, being dragged behind the ski boat, but the driver of the boat doesn't know you're there.  So he's doing driving erratically, doing donuts, speeding around, they are going wild with their driving while I'm getting smashed and beaten and thrown around.  So my job is to acknowledge the "crazy" and let go of the dang rope, to save myself.  Essentially, that's what I've had to do this week with Michelle.  Let go of the rope.  Annie said that people will come into her life to fill in the gap, so I should just make space and let that happen.

There have been a handful of people that I've had to let go of over the years because of craziness (theirs, not mine!--or maybe it was mine).  My mental health (especially right now!) is of utmost importanace.  I've got no emotional space for people who drag me down.  It can be a hard lesson to learn.  We are taught to love, to serve, have compassion, and to be patient and understanding, blah, blah, blah.  That's kind of what it means to be a Christian, right?  But it can't be at the expense of mental and emotional health.