Stuff That Changes

Mat is home today!
We love Snow Days!

So, here is a question I've been asking myself.  Is it weird that I want to go to a mortuary to ask questions?  I already went to the cemetery to get info.  I found out that in order to have an upright headstone, we have to buy 4 plots.  I don't need 4 spots, I only need 2!  But that may be the only way to get a headstone that doesn't sit flat on the ground.  The plots are actually "relatively" cheap.  It's the mortuary that zings you.  I would rather do the legwork now and not have my family have to worry about it. It will all get figured out by me, long before there is a need for it.  I'm writing my own obit too, so all Mat has to do is fill in the date.

One of the things that happens when you're dealing with a serious illness is that you tend to look at your life under a microscope, and decide real quick what and who is important to you ... and who and what needs to go. You just want to stay close to your family, kids and love them like never before.  You want to make as many memories as possible and spend as much time as possible with them. 

Another thing I had to take a long look at was my relationships.  Maybe you wouldn't 😂, but I would say that I'm a pretty easy-going person.  I'm friendly and accepting and patient and respectful.  I would say, and I hope most people know about me, that I'd give the shirt off my back if someone needed it.  I'd do almost anything for anyone--sometimes I give so much it's to my detriment. I try so hard and my effort is deflected or rejected from those who have meant so much to me in my life.  I'm going through stacks of old scrapbooks and deciding what to scan and what to toss.  Some of my happiest and most painful memories are tied to my twin sister.  I've had a hard time reconciling all those happy things from the first three quarters of our lives with the absolute hell I've experienced with her in the last 9 years.  Going through old pictures brings tears to the surface and I find myself getting stalled on the project because I don't want to be reminded about where we are now. It's really important for me to leave a legacy for my family, to give those who I may not get to meet a glimpse into who I was and what I believed. The hurt is part of the happy and the happy is part of the hurt.  Have you seen Shadowlands?  Movie about C. S. Lewis?  SO GOOD!  "The happiness now is part of the pain then." and "The pain now is part of the happiness then."

One big thing is that has changed since my diagnosis is I cut my business way back.  Again, I had to look at what jobs were worth my time under the circumstances.  I did more than I should have that first summer, so last summer cut out consulting and designing completely.  That freed up time so I could get our entire front yard done, while Mat completed the sprinklers in one area of the yard. There's a fair amount to do in the back still, the rest of the sprinklers, some retaining, fire pit/patio area. I had my tiller out last Saturday removing grass from the last park strip.  That's one thing I hate about living on a corner - so much park strip!  We're not running water to it, just filling it with rock.  We'll also work on solid 6 foot fencing along the side yard. I feel like we live in a fish bowl, and the dogs feel like they have to talk to everyone that walks by.  Not being able to see everyone that walks by will be a blessing on both sides of the fence. Dang dogs.