pt. 2

Today has been rough!  I woke up feeling pretty *blah* over the events of this week.  What I did to try to bring myself UP again was turn on a MoTab playlist on the TV.  When I came across "Peace like a River" or "It is Well with my Soul" (not sure which is the title) I put it on repeat and turned up the volume so loud that my kids even asked me to turn it down! 

At the same time, I was trying to figure out Apple Music on my laptop. When we signed up, my playlists went wonky and everything from MoTab disappeared (probably because they were all burned from CD's and not downloaded).  A thought about my friend Nancy crossed my mind, so I checked FB and saw that she died a couple days ago.  Instantly the sadness came and tears flowed, and McKinley wondered what in the heck happened to me!  I told her it was OK, that one of my friends died (her kids went to Kesem too, so McKinley knows her kids).  That sweet girl did the only thing she knew how to do.  She went to the fridge and poured me a cup of root beer and brought it to me.  I apologized and reassured her again that I would be OK and thanked her for her thoughtfulness.

I hope she wasn't too traumatized by it, and I hope she learned a couple things from it!

• I hope she learned that it is OK to cry when you're sad.  
• I hope she learned that hard things happen to good people.  It's not your fault, it's not God punishing you, you didn't do anything to cause the hard things in your life.  Hard things are what we were promised in this life, they refine us and make us better people!
• I hope she never forgets that when someone is in need, it only takes a small thing to make things better (root beer!)
• I hope she learns and understands that we are Christs hands on earth, and people all around need us to answer the prayers that God hears.

I have been so bummed about the people in our ward over 65 who were invited to NOT come to church. These are the people we try to remember on Sunday afternoons.  I had pumpkin puree in the freezer that needed to be used, so today we (Brooklyn and Maddie) made pumpkin bread and we delivered it to 4 homes of dear friends over 70+ in the neighborhood.  Brooklyn and McKinley came with us, I was so glad to have them see the gratitude they shared.  In one case, the couple stood about 10 feet away from me while we chatted, and I left the bread on their coffee table.  That is the era we live in!  One of my favorite friends in the neighborhood is 94 ½.  I used to help her in her yard, she still has someone come plant her geraniums.

I think the best thing we can do when we feel crappy is look outside of ourselves. That can be hard when you feel crappy!  Who around me has problems bigger than mine? Some days it's easier to curl up in a ball and sleep all day.  I didn't get out of bed until almost noon today.  It's been a tough week!

The coolest thing that happened this week is that Mat finished the fountain he got me for my birthday.  I need to go get more rocks to put around it, but it turned out AWESOME! The other great thing is that we're redoing our bathroom / laundry room downstairs.  Our plumber got everything ripped out and a plan drawn on the floor.  Completion is far away, but progress is being made.  That makes me happy!

Kids are at school half time and happy to be back!  Mat's district is 4 days on, Fridays off for online stuff. It works out perfect for Mat because he can do small group rehearsals and such on Fridays as well.  

Scan Results

I'm exhausted physically and emotionally tonight, so this won't be long.

This has been a difficult week for me.  I always have a little panic attack when I know scans are coming up.  My worry has been compounded by the pain I feel in my hip constantly.  I knew the news coming out of the scans probably wouldn't be encouraging.  I'd would call it "neutral" news.  There is progression now, but I had a long run since diagnosis feeling great with no evidence of disease.  Chemo did its job, I am grateful for that!

I was at Huntsman most of the day on Wednesday.  I had my echo at 8:00 then got my port accessed for the injection of the bone scan tracer.  The bone scan takes about 40 minutes.  You have to lay perfectly still, so after you're on the table they take huge velcro straps and cross them over and attach them so you can't move.  There were several places in my body that the tracer lit up.  My left foot (from the break a few weeks ago) and the big toe I broke early in the summer lit up. The most prominent places were my left hip and now femur (new), as well as ribs on the left and right sides (new).  "... lesions suspicious for progression of osteoblastic osseous metastatic disease ... " isn't what I hoped for.

The CT scans showed no signs of visible cancer anywhere else in my body, but there are existing lesions in my lungs that they watch from scan to scan.  While I was at Huntsman waiting around for things, I saw a friend from group who has declined quite a bit since I saw her in February.  She was in a wheelchair and had oxygen running - not positive signs!  Then I got on FB and saw that another friend from group has just gone on hospice and isn't expected to last very long.  I had lunch with her a couple of months ago.  These are both Moms who are younger than me, and have kids at home.  It was a bummer day.  Losing friends is so hard!

When Dr. Buys came in to see me today, she always points out the positive first, that she was very pleased with how well the study drug worked for me, and that the other drugs have kept the cancer in my liver from growing.  And then we talked about the progression in my bones and how to deal with it.  With progression, I don't qualify for the study drug anymore.  I'll stay on Herceptin but on a 4 week cycle (instead of every 3 weeks) with a slightly higher dose.  We'll assess in 3 months whether to add Perjeta back in to the mix, depending on the results of my next scans.  She's changing the bone strengthener drug to a different one, keeping me on the hormone shots for now, and she'll start me on radiation in my hip.  She said she felt confident that going off the study drug should bring my energy back up and I'll feel better. Here's to hoping that's true!

I'm exhausted and need to sleep, but just wanted to get an update out there.  Please pray for us.  This turn in events is one I hoped would never come, but here we are.  McKinley, in particular, could use some prayers!  She starts with a new counselor next week because I still can't take her to Huntsman to see Annie.  This is where things get progressively MORE hard for me and the family.  I don't know what that means as far as time frame, but I've seen this scenario replayed more times than I care to think about.

How am I?

 For my birthday, I told Mat all I wanted to do was go see the friends I don't see very often!  I have a long way to go still, but today I saw one of my favorite mission companions, Wanda (Rhoades) Murphy.  She lives in Tridell (a little bit east of Vernal and Roosevelt).  I haven't seen her in a couple years, at least! 

She was seriously the BEST mission companion anyone could ask for.  We got along so well, we made everything fun, and laughed a lot together!  There are so many funny photos I could post, but that would only be interesting to a small number of people, so I refrain.  😂  She made a yummy lunch for us, along with a fantastic cake for dessert.  We caught each other up on our families and what's happening in our lives.  It was a great time!  On my 3 hour drive home, I was thinking about my mission, and how I felt at that time I could conquer the world.  Oh, and I tried!  It was the scariest, bravest, best thing I had done to that point in my life.  I learned that great, worthwhile, life-changing things don't come without hardship and disappointment.  I loved (most of) my companions, I loved the German people, their food (with the exception of pickled herring, and stollen - Christmas fruit cake) and learning to speak their language. 

This was a nightly ritual for us ... how we let
loose after a long day of tracting or street contacting.

Oh, that big hair from the 90's! I hope
that's a trend that never comes back.

And then I thought about how much has changed in 30 years. I thought about the great things that have happened, and the hard things.  Everyone wants to know how I'm doing, I always say "I'm gooood?" kind of with a question mark.  My life isn't simple and straightforward.  Some days really suck.  Most days are just OK, some days I feel upbeat and positive. Some days I resent being handed this trial. Some days I'm angry that my kids and Mat have to navigate and process this too. Some days chemo fatigue sets in. I just want to remember what feeling "normal" felt like.  So, when you ask me how I am, know that it's a loaded question with an answer that changes from hour to hour.

In a strange, twisted way, I'm grateful for cancer because I've learned so much and gained (and lost) so many friends I wouldn't have known otherwise.  I've learned volumes from those who navigate the same hardships I do everyday, and from those who were taken too soon, about living with grace and gratitude. Love your people.  Don't take anything for granted.  Be grateful for every day because what you have today may not still be around tomorrow.  I have the best possible team at Huntsman working to keep me alive and sane for as long as possible.  I can't ask more than that.

My Life Really IS Amazing!

 I haven't written for a long time. We've tried to cram in as much fun as possible.  Since I wrote the last time, we went to Lake Powell with our friends.  Here's a few pictures. 

Mat took this picture the morning after we got there.  We
anchored in a cave for the night, the water in the morning is
smooth as glass which makes picture taking perfect!

This really was a dream come true for me.  From what
 I'd been told about Lake Powell, I knew it would be
beautiful and amazing!  But I didn't know it would be like this!
I've never in my life done anything like it!

Us with the Barkers and the Inkleys at Rainbow Bridge

Does it get more dreamy than this?

I told Mat all I wanted for my birthday was to visit friends I don't see often (which is pretty much ALL of them right now!)  He wanted to throw me a big party, make a big deal of it. I did just turn 50, but Nah, I just need my people.  So my goal is to visit as many friends as I can in the next few weeks and months. 

Last week, I took an impromptu trip up to Washington to see my friend Belinda and her daughter Sophie.  I took McKinley with me because our girls are buddies. We met the Howes family when we went to Sedona, AZ for a retreat with Little Pink Houses of Hope where we all became instant friends. She was house / animal sitting in her friends cabin in Cusick, Washington for a friend of hers.  The cabin was beautiful, the kids were happy feeding the mama pig and 9 piglets, jumping on the trampoline and riding around the property on a go-cart. Me and Belinda sat around for hours at a time on the porch, watching the hummingbird frenzy at the feeders, and talking about everything under the sun. 

Belinda insisted on attaching my kayak to hers so
she could drag me the last stretch.  I protested, 
because "I'm fine!"  She said, "Kim, are you going 
to be a blessing killer?"  Well, if you put it that way,
Belinda!  She paddled me all the way to the take out.

After I left Belinda, I stopped in Coeur d' Alene to see my two cousins, Ruth
and Catherine. I haven't seen them in years, so that was a great thing!  One
of Ruths daughters, Miriam, liked me immediately and didn't want me to leave.
She's so sweet!  Ruth gave a jar of huckleberries to share with my family. YUM!

Mat told me after I got home Saturday that he had one more present for me, he'd been planning it for 8 months. I thought, "Oh dang.  He has planned a big party!" Well, I found an envelope tonight with the sweetest card and message.

How dang cool is my guy?!  It's not what I expected at all, but I'm thrilled to have a little stash that I can hand out to people in need at Christmas!!!  I've always wanted to be a Secret Santa!  The funny thing is, I was doing the same thing.  Starting in January, I thought it would be cool if I could save $100 a month from our grocery budget and surprise him in December with at least $1000 to go toward Christmas.  But then we had a bad grocery month early in the year, so I used it to bail out the budget. HE WAS DOING THE SAME THING ALL ALONG!  Seriously, this is the best birthday I've ever had.  💞

We may be done with long haul travel this year, but I have big plans for next year (assuming we're safe to travel)!  I kinda like this "make the most of the time you have left" thing. We've been able to do some amazing things with our family the last couple years! It's amazing what a little change in perspective can do for you. Friends, don't take one day for granted! Make sure your people know you love them!

Scans are next week, so look for that in the near future.  Love you all!