Tender Mercies

I had my support group today (virtual).  There is a new lady in group,  her first time joining us was two weeks ago.  She was newly diagnosed stage 4 in October of last year. Not the best way to put an exclamation point on an already crappy year! 

The topic in group two weeks ago was “heavy”, so I was unsure of what her reaction might have been about all of it.  Todays group was open, we could talk about whatever we wanted. She asked a lot of questions and members of the group gave her information and insights based on our experience.  It occurred to me towards the end of the meeting that I should reach out over a private message and tell her that if she needed to talk, I was her girl and left my phone number.

We hadn’t been logged out of group 90 seconds before my phone rang, I knew it was her. I can’t even describe what goes through a relatively young moms mind when a terminal diagnosis is received! She’s overwhelmed, depressed and questioning if God really knows what’s best for her and her family—I remember that feeling well.  We talked for a long time.  I shared my story, she talked about how she and her family are handling everything.  I assured her that they would get through it, that all the emotion she and her family are feeling is totally normal, and they will come to terms with it.  AND every ounce of confusion, and anger, and questioning Gods plan for you and dealing with those emotions, are part of the process of grieving.  You have to grieve losing what you had “before cancer” and you have to come to grips with what cancer may/will take away from you.

Why is it that sometimes we go through trials that seem unbearable, we do all the right things, but God seems so far from us?  I had to learn that I’m not in control of my ship, I had to learn that part of Gods plan for me and my family was my facing terminal cancer, and we needed to do it with as much gratitude, patience, grace and love as possible. 

My perspective has completely changed. What used to be important wasn’t important anymore.  I began looking closely at my home, conflict with kids and other relationships to see who was dragging us down and who was building us up.  I’ve learned the only way through all this is to lay it at the feet of Christ and trust that everything that’s happened has happened for a reason—that I don’t yet fully understand.  But I love and trust God enough to know that this isn’t about me, it isn’t about my family.  It’s about HIS plan for us and about what we need to learn through this experience, how we can bless and help others going through the same thing. I love HIM for lightening my burden (Mosiah 24:14-15) and helping us move forward in life, even though there are lots of question marks still.

Now, I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I had another experience a couple of weeks ago that I want to share, just so I have a record of it!  

I went grocery shopping today. We have 2 Smiths markets in Bountiful, one close to home, the other across town. I usually go to the one close to home, but today I went to the one across town because I knew they would have something (an immersion blender) that isn’t at the one close to home. 

There is almost always someone with a sign on the corner of the one close to me.  A while back, it was an older man that looks an awful lot like my Dad. He was sitting on a walker seat (you know that type of walker where you can turn around and sit on it?) and I noticed he had a catheter bag that his pants didn’t cover all the way. My Dad had a catheter too. 

The first time I saw him, I couldn’t stop because it’s a busy turn and I didn't have cash so I just kept going. His sign said he needed help with rent and he is taking care of 3 grandkids.  Today, he was at the other Smiths farther from home. When I pulled in the parking lot, I saw him on the exit side. I hoped he would still be there when I got done. 

I pulled into a spot, parked and got out. I had the thought to look to make sure I had my list. But I couldn’t find it. I was so annoyed!  I texted Brooklyn to see if she could find it at home. She couldn’t. So I kinda huffed and got back in the car to go home so I could find it sitting there in plain sight.  I only got a few blocks away when I thought to check the zippered middle section of my purse. Guess what?!  The only thing I keep in there is bandaids! But that’s where I put my grocery list, zippered in. 

So I turned around and pulled back into the parking lot. Because he was on the “exit” side, I flipped around and unrolled my window. He shuffled over, I said “I want to help you today” and I handed him a fifty dollar bill. But then I had to pull back onto the street like I was leaving. So I flipped around again and went back into the parking lot so I could do my shopping. When I passed him coming back in, I could tell he was counting the money with one hand behind the sign. So I hope the money he got today was enough to “keep the wolf from the door” as my Mom used to say. He was gone by the time I finished. 

Mat gives me a specific amount each month for groceries. Honestly?  It’s more than I need, but don’t tell him!  That’s how I can do stuff like that. ❤️  I've always had a heart for "giving", my dream job would be in Philanthropy! I've learned that we never need to worry about having enough when we are generous with what we have. I don't give every person on the corner money, but when the Spirit tells me to, I do. In this example at Smiths, I had seen the man on one or the other corner several times over the past months, but this time, everything aligned itself beautifully and worked out perfectly.

Neither one of these experiences was a coincidence.  Both were orchestrated beautifully by God over periods of time - but I couldn't see it until after they both happened.  I'm SO GRATEFUL! 

Mat and I flew to Arizona Saturday and flew home Sunday with his Dad.  He'll be staying with us until the end of February.  When he moved in with us in October, the family got him on hospice and he stabilized to the point where Mats siblings flew him to Arizona to stay with his sister.  The assisted living place where he lived until September has basically been begging to have him come back, but he's not quite ready.  He gets his first shot tomorrow (today).  Maybe after his second shot he'll feel confident enough to go back.