Scans, Ambien, Michelle

I got the results of my bone and CT scan.  Things look good!  There are always little changes that they'll watch on future scans, but overall Dr. Buys is happy with the relative stability I've had on Herceptin.  When I hear about side effects of some of the drugs my friends in group move to, I'm grateful for Herceptin too!

... peacefully sleeping right where my feet go ...

I've had in my head that I wanted to rearrange our bedroom.  I'm not going to lie, it's because I have too many houseplants and I don't know where to put them all!  I'll move the dresser back under our big window for my medium light plants. 

The other night, I was in a bit of a panic because I had picked up two prescriptions from Smiths, and I was sure one of them was Ambien.  I've been taking Ambien for so long that it would take weeks or months for my brain to wean off of it.  The panic set in when I couldn't find the refill.  I literally tore our room apart in the wee hours of the morning.  I went through every drawer in places that made no sense.  I moved furniture around so I could see under and through everything.  I was gearing up for seeing Dr. Buys the next day, trying to figure out the great story I would tell her about why I needed a refill for the drug she just refilled.  Thankfully, I got a text from the pharmacy that morning before I saw her, telling me I had something ready to pick up.  So before I made a complete fool of myself, I called the pharmacy to see what the refill was.  You guessed it.  It was my Ambien.  Our bedroom is still torn up - maybe tomorrow, with Mat home, we'll get it put back together again.  😂

In other news, I got a call on Sunday from my friend Michelle.  We talked for a long time about what's going on with her health, where she lives now, etc.  We had a "falling out" a couple of years ago.  With everything that was going on with me, it was easy to walk away and wash my hands of it.  I just didn't have any more emotional strength to continue trying to help her.  I'm feeling the same now, stretched a little thin with my cancer and the worry that comes with it.  She desperately wants me back, but she's vulnerable and sick.  It's not going to get better from here, for either one of us.  So I'm contemplating what to do, how to handle that.

I wanted to say one more thing about the retreat we went on three weeks ago.  After 3 glorious days of classes and workshops, they always do a talent show on Friday night.  There were 4 of us that agreed we'd sing something together, and when going through the music they have in the lodge, we came across the piano book for "Wicked".  I mentioned how much I LOVE the song, "For Good".  I haven't listened to it for a long time, but that's what we decided to do.  As we're practicing with Mat at the piano, and we're belting out our very best Kristin and Idina, the words got to me because they have a totally different meaning to me now.  I choked up and said I didn't know if I could get through it!  But we went ahead.

The lyrics to this dang song I love, that brought more weeping than singing:

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So, let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
By being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done, you blame me for

But then I guess
We know there's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore
Like a comet pulled from orbit (like a ship blown from its mooring)
As it passes the sun (by a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder (like a seed dropped by a bird)
Halfway through the wood (in the wood)
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better

And because I knew you

Because I knew you

Because I knew you ... I have been changed ... For good

Again, I love the sentiment of this song, especially now with my damn body fighting against itself.  SO MANY PEOPLE have changed me for the better.  That is something I'm eternally grateful for.  We get through our trials with the help of those around us. We are Christs hands on earth, doing His work.  What a journey I'm on, a confusing, maddening, blessed, depressing, exhausting journey.  I'm grateful for Every. Single. Day!