How I'm really doing ...

I had a friend send me a text tonight. She said I've done great keeping everyone updated on how I am physically, but she wanted to know how I am emotionally/mentally/spiritually.  I haven't brought it up because I've been at a loss for words, unsure about how to articulate it.  She helped me think about how to put it down in words.  Since my last scan results, I've just had vague thoughts running through my head. Thank you GT, for helping me get this out of my head!  This was my honest, imperfect, raw response (approximately ... I tweaked it a little).

It's a lot easier to be upbeat and positive about life in general when cancer only appears to be changing a little bit from scan to scan, when things seem relatively stable.  I can feel grateful and good about that!  But with this news, it's a lot harder.  I could see a physical change in my left breast weeks ago. Thats where the ribs with cancer are, and where it is growing into my chest wall. 

I've always said I want to at least see McKinley graduate (2027), I want to be around when Mat retires (2025? 2026?).  I want to make it to our 30 year anniversary (2024).  Will it happen?  I hope so, but I'm not in charge!  I see my friends dealing with so much, like brain radiation and pain pumps and possible colostomy bags. It's just really hard to think about what's possible. 

I'm not angry with God, but it's sure hard to accept His will for me right now. It's very hard to understand how this path is the "right" one for me and my family. I need to figure out how to be OK with this new reality. I think once I get going on the new treatment I'll feel a little better emotionally, just need to get on that path and see how it goes. 

I'm walking along a rocky path in the dark, about to step off the edge of a cliff.  That's where Heavenly Father catches me.  That's where faith comes in, knowing that HE has me cradled in His hands.  That's doing what must be done - trusting my doctors and care team. They are doing the very best they can for me.  That's being grateful for thousands of prayers from hundreds of people.  That's trying to be patient with myself and this diseased body of mine.  That's accepting life at a slower pace than I'm used to.

School starts tomorrow.  Brooklyn is ecstatic, McKinley is melting down.  Mat gave her a blessing tonight, something he's done for all the kids at the beginning of each school year.  Suddenly, she was in tears!  I had her come talk to me, after a few minutes we watched a couple "distraction" videos on youtube.  I rubbed Serenity oil on her back and hands, then turned on my sleep music and turned off the lights. I hope I can be a good support for her in the morning when she's getting ready and leaving for school!

She's having a really hard with all the "unknowns" right now.  Lockers?  Finding classes?  Walking group?  Mom has her own list of anxieties for her...  I went in and talked to her counselor at school and have sent emails to all her teachers, just to let them know what's going on at home.  I'm praying she will navigate the first few days of school and feel like a pro by the end of the week!

credit: Caitlin Connolly