Misc. Update!

The colors at Mueller Park are
vibrant and beautiful!

I haven't written in a while.  My life is a mix of good stuff and hard stuff.  I think constantly about my health and how all of this is affecting my family.  I have the added worry that I could drop dead at any moment (more below). Mat has his own set of worries, I hope he will see Annie at Huntsman once a week on the days he takes off.  The girls go to therapy every other week. 

We went up Mueller Park Canyon on Sunday for a late lunch and fire with friends.  We had lunch and spent a long time around the fire roasting marshmallows for s'mores and talking.  One of their boys didn't know about the cardiac arrest, so we gave him a few details.  And then I see McKinley, with tears welling up in her eyes.  There are times when I just don't know what to do to help the kids get through this.  

Both girls (and I'm sure my adult kids too) have so much anxiety over what is happening in my life.  McKinley doesn't sleep well and has very negative feelings about school in general.  She goes to therapy every two weeks, she likes her therapist because she swears sometimes. ☺   Hopefully they are doing some therapy as well.  Brooklyn goes every week, but may have to switch to every other week because we only get 20 sessions a year each.  What a lame policy!  Some issues will take more than 20 sessions to resolve!

Already feeling quite overwhelmed, I went in for Monday for the stress test for my heart. I was there for just under three hours, they took lots of pictures and I did the treadmill thing.  They started me out at a 10% incline, 2.7 mph, and increased both from there.  I can't believe how even at the lowest setting, it was a challenge.  That was the most depressing part of it for me.  I used to run on a treadmill at 10% incline, I used to run half marathons and 5K's.  I loved hiking in the mountains.  I used to lift weights - I was at the gym 4-5 times a week.  I'm so limited in what I can do now.  Besides the neuropathy in my feet, I'm afraid to do some of the things that used to be normal because I don't want another cardiac event (and don't know how to prevent another one).  I'm considering getting a portable defibrillator to have on hand in case it's ever needed.  They are a little pricey!  Ideally, I'd just have one implanted so it's automatic and I never have to worry about my heart killing me.  

We had our group yesterday at the hospital for the first time in 2 ½ years!  Slowly, slowly we return to "normal." We talked about good experiences in our healthcare journeys, and bad ones.  One of my worst experiences in healthcare was my stay at Lakeview Hospital. The ER doc tried to tell me I had just blacked out. I said, "Look, all I can go on is what people have told me.  I was told there was no pulse, compressions were started and went on for about 4 minutes, and I was gray - meaning death.  (Do those symptoms indicate my passing out?!?).  I said in group I'd prefer to die slowly and painfully, rather than abruptly with no chance to say goodbye to my people!  

p.s. I've never heard good things about Lakeview Hospital, just discontented reports.  I second that - NEVER go to Lakeview Hospital if you have another option! I won't go through my list of concerns or complaints here.

I went on two mothers retreats in the last month (one for moms with teens, one for moms with young adult children).  We were in Victor, ID at Quickwater Ranch.  It was so great to be able to relax some and breathe clean mountain air. The mothers retreats are usually pretty laid back, with workshops a couple times a day.  We work together on meals and clean-up.  We have down time to be outside, some played pickle ball, some go for walks or hikes, some sit around the house to talk and connect. I feel some frustration because I have the hardest time remembering names and have to ask again and again, but I met some great women.  We had one drive all the way from South Carolina, two drove from Minnesota, several were from California, Colorado and Wyoming, with a few Utahns peppered in.  There are usually about 20 women there.  It is definitely something I will continue for as long as I feel relatively well!

Today I worked outside on our park strip. I am SO OCD!!!  We filled the park strip with river rock, and some bigger rocks we've collected.  The bigger rocks "have to" be worked in, so I move the river rock out of the way to place the bigger rocks, then move the smaller rocks back to their places. And there are no broken rocks allowed!  I spent a fair amount of time today sorting through and taking out the broken rocks.  I'm about half way through this project and have so much to work on in the rest of the yard.  I came in and was totally spent.  I couldn't get up to make dinner.  We ate whatever was on hand and easy. 

Thank you for loving us and praying for us through these hard times!  I can't see the way through yet, but I'm doing my best to get through it all.  💕