Kids & Support

Someone asked to see just our kids Kesem photos) Thursday night after my CT results came in, I was trying to hold back tears because McKinley was with us. I finally looked and her and said "I'm most worried about you!" (because she's the youngest). She said, "Mom, you don't have to worry, because I have a support system. Brooklyn has a support system has a support system. We'll be OK". She was holding my hand as she said it. The tears were really coming then, and I looked at her and said "where did you come from?!"

(I'm grateful Isaac painted over the questionable tattoo on his arm, but I’m not sure why his text is looking back at me backwards)

 

Scan and Results

7/19/23

I'm finally getting a CT scan Friday after more than 6 months. I'm terrified at what might show up on scans. Please pray that I can calm down and be rational. It is what it is, right? No amount of worry is going to change the outcome. But I'm still FREAKING OUT!

7/21/23

Well, Dammit!

Liver: Since the prior examination, dramatic worsening of hepatic metastases are noted with many liver masses throughout the liver now seen. The previously identified mass in the left lobe measuring 4 7 cm now measures 9 cm. Many new lesions are noted. Portal veins remain patent.

I don't often curse on here, but todays post is cuss worthy!

I won't know anything else (what they'll do about it) until I talk to my doc. The only other thing is some significant sclerosis on my left shoulder. Keep praying please! 

Vulnerable empty nesters

 We’ve been empty nesters this week, with all 4 kids at Camp Kesem! Mat is kicking it on projects, our construction at home is finally done! We have a totally awesome new master bath, and a few other things our contractor did. We might have to sell a couple kids to pay the last invoice, though.

He’s helping me weed - I felt well enough to get on the ground to help him tonight! He has a list of things to do each day, he just scurries around getting stuff done. I love him for retiring from education so he ca be home with me. It’s been an adjustment figuring out what help I really need, and when I tell him to go away. He asked me, after driving by myself to my friends in Kaysville, “how was that? did you do OK?” Not only did I do that, but I brought 33 bags of compost home because they were on clearance! (I didn’t load them and we have yet to unload them.) I guess he needs to know because my body is falling apart.

I called Huntsmans research coordinator to get some details about how to donate my body for breast cancer research. They have to have my body within 2 hours of dying. They want to make sure the cancer tissue doesn’t die, which it will if it takes too long to harvest. See?! There is a cure for cancer! You just have to die first!

With no kids around, we went out to eat tonight. There’s a great Thai place where Sizzler used to be. Yum! I really like it, maybe even better than Thai In Town. That’s saying something! After we were seated, I said, “Mat, I don’t…. I immediately teared up, so I told him I would tell him later. I managed to pull myself together pretty quickly.

Tonight after prayers, he asked me what I was going to say. “I don’t want to die!” and the tears came with it. I don’t want to believe that this was supposed to happen. But it WAS supposed to happen. I’ll probably not understand it until I’m on the other side.

Poor Mat.

Still Here

I’ve always known that cancer was/is hard on the kids. One of my very first worries was, “how in the hell are we supposed to talk to them about this.” I called my therapist and begged her to let us come in … on a Friday … after closing time. Her advice, "don't cry in front of your kids because they'll think there are new traumas to worry about." First diagnosis they were 6 months, 5 y.o., 9 y.o., and 12 years old. The parents we always wanted to be was taken away from us by cancer. A parent having cancer adds a level of guilt, stress, and overwhelm you can’t understand unless you ARE a parent with a terminal illness. It’s an impossibility to keep doing rock star Mom, when the nursery rhyme Mom can’t get out of bed, feels nauseous, can’t eat food, poop or feel her hands and feet. The second diagnosis was a gut punch. The miracle in all of this is I’m still here. My diagnosis date is September 11, 2017. almost Six years!

A good friend of mine would come when I needed her, let me cry and vent over and over again until I could go a few days without losing it. She still reminds me that on the specific day God wants me home, I’ll go home. Not one day sooner. Not one day later.

I know this isn’t my fault. I didn’t commit some grievous sin to bring this all on. I do know that every single one of us will deal with earthly trials at the same magnitude as mine, no one is immune. (honestly, I wouldn’t trade trials with some I know) So keep your metaphorical seatbelts on, and be ready by building and rebuilding your relationship with HIM. Remember He is in charge. Depend on Him with your whole heart. Learn the lessons that come from hard things.

Last night we went to Bountiful City Park for their summer “concerts in the park”. Utah Voices performed a great patriotic program, and I was grateful to be there! In my college days, I sang in A Cappella choir at the U, (thanks to Mat who surely bribed the professor to let me in.) **Utah Voices director Kelly DeHaan sang in that choir with me, where I learned how freaking talented he is, and the nicest guy on the planet. He is also one of Mats choir colleagues in the Jordan School District Music Department. When he found out I was at the concert, they came marching toward me where I was and Kelly gave me a huge hug and said the nicest things to me. We are truly blessed with our connections to music in the community!

** Back in the day, there were two good-sized choirs at the university. One was A Capella led by Dr. Ed Thompson. The other was Concert Choir which I didn’t want because of who the professor was….not for me.

 

 Today felt so good (not physically) because my good friend Olivia came and went to dinner with me. She was my first introduction to Indian food, when our boys were tiny people. I remember once going to Royal India in Bountiful (my first introduction to the place). I ordered, probably something boring like Veggie Coconut Kurma. When she ordered her meal and they asked what spice level she wanted. She said, "I want it hot! Not white girl hot, I want it hot!" She's lived and traveled all over the world, so she qualified to make that distinction. She's done a lot of great things in her life, like being interviewed for PBS's American Experience, teaching at a Buddhist University - in Boulder, CO no less. Her family moved into our ward in Kaysville when I was 16, she was a lowly Beehive - I knew we couldn't be friends. I needed to grow up some and have two kids for me to realize how cool she was. I remember her distinctly saying to me one day when she was picking up her boy, "I think we should be friends!" I agreed. From there we would take turns trying new recipes and inviting each other to come try new concoctions. The rest is history! My only regret from today is no pictures! Livi, could you come to my house for 3 minutes before you go home so we can get a picture together?

She left a family party to come back so we could get our picture together! I told you she is remarkable!!

Catch up

 I’ve needed to catch this up for a while. I think where I was going to start was a month ago, when my tumor marker jumped so high. Every time I have chemo, they do labs - the tumor marker is just one thing they check. Last time (meaning a month ago) the tumor marker had gone from 220 to 360. When I had chemo this week, the tumor marker was 355, not nearly enough to instill confidence that this drug is working! I have scans later in July, then we can see what is really going on in there. I'm having major scan-xiety. Things have always gone relatively well for me - I'm having a hard time feeling that confidence now.

After we dropped McK off at her camp, we drove to northern Idaho to visit my sister and her husband. It was so great to see them, and have time to really talk about everything. We only stayed 2 nights because we knew how far it was to Banff, and needed to hit the road.

Banff looks a lot like Glacier NP in many ways. Except the town is established in the middle of the park. Lots of shops, restaurants, homes, etc built at the base of the majestic mountains! I don’t know of a NP in America like that, so that was different. Also, I wasn’t expecting lows around 30 at night, and highs around 40-45 during the day. We have a furnace in our trailer, that was a life saver! I didn’t come prepared for the cold, so I basically wore the same layers every night. It rained and rained the whole time we were there - 3 days straight! Mat had one more activity planned for day 4. I “begged” him to just move on to our next place, the cold wetness was getting to me! The next place was to go and do a session at the Cardston temple. Cardston is the first temple built in Canada in the 19teens. It’s very old and has a King Solomon temple feel to it (whatever that looks like!) Never been to another temple like it! The funny thing was when we checked into to RV park in Cardston, the lady at the desk told Mat the sessions were at 9:45 and 10:30 the next day. Are we that obvious?!

We went through 4 other NP that run together south of Banff. The last one is Waterton, right on the border w/ USA. There you’ll find the International Peace Garden to commemorate that our "two" countries take care of each other. The disturbing thing for me is this. The Blackfoot Indian tribe was also very involved with the development of those national parks in Canada, but have pushed out of any recognition about what needed to happen in that area, 3 nations worked on that agreement to create a peaceful collaboration but are represented nowhere! Makes me sick learning about how white man trampled on there rights. (When we were at Glacier National Park last year, I read a "side of the road sign" that mentions the name of the Blackfoot chief that helped with all of that too - not a word in Canada. At least in Glacier, they have renamed a handful of areas from the "christian-ized, white man-ized" names back to Blackfoot names.

We stayed in Rexburg so we could get back on time to pick her up, then we always stop at the huckleberry shake shop on the way out of town. I could totally live there, not many residents, beautiful place on the back side of the Tetons. But my life dictates another path than the one I want! We picked up McK from her camp in Victor, Idaho. She had a marvelous time! I was so, so happy to hear it!

We got home Sunday, I had chemo on Tuesday, we went to Les Miz on Thursday. I’m going out on a limb and saying that this production at the Eccles was the best I’ve seen, and we’ve seen Les Miz all over snippets of the world!

Today, Annie (therapist) fit me in and had a wonderful cathartic talk with her! She always does me a great deal of good! Wish Annie Acupuncture was still here!!!