Still Here

I’ve always known that cancer was/is hard on the kids. One of my very first worries was, “how in the hell are we supposed to talk to them about this.” I called my therapist and begged her to let us come in … on a Friday … after closing time. Her advice, "don't cry in front of your kids because they'll think there are new traumas to worry about." First diagnosis they were 6 months, 5 y.o., 9 y.o., and 12 years old. The parents we always wanted to be was taken away from us by cancer. A parent having cancer adds a level of guilt, stress, and overwhelm you can’t understand unless you ARE a parent with a terminal illness. It’s an impossibility to keep doing rock star Mom, when the nursery rhyme Mom can’t get out of bed, feels nauseous, can’t eat food, poop or feel her hands and feet. The second diagnosis was a gut punch. The miracle in all of this is I’m still here. My diagnosis date is September 11, 2017. almost Six years!

A good friend of mine would come when I needed her, let me cry and vent over and over again until I could go a few days without losing it. She still reminds me that on the specific day God wants me home, I’ll go home. Not one day sooner. Not one day later.

I know this isn’t my fault. I didn’t commit some grievous sin to bring this all on. I do know that every single one of us will deal with earthly trials at the same magnitude as mine, no one is immune. (honestly, I wouldn’t trade trials with some I know) So keep your metaphorical seatbelts on, and be ready by building and rebuilding your relationship with HIM. Remember He is in charge. Depend on Him with your whole heart. Learn the lessons that come from hard things.

Last night we went to Bountiful City Park for their summer “concerts in the park”. Utah Voices performed a great patriotic program, and I was grateful to be there! In my college days, I sang in A Cappella choir at the U, (thanks to Mat who surely bribed the professor to let me in.) **Utah Voices director Kelly DeHaan sang in that choir with me, where I learned how freaking talented he is, and the nicest guy on the planet. He is also one of Mats choir colleagues in the Jordan School District Music Department. When he found out I was at the concert, they came marching toward me where I was and Kelly gave me a huge hug and said the nicest things to me. We are truly blessed with our connections to music in the community!

** Back in the day, there were two good-sized choirs at the university. One was A Capella led by Dr. Ed Thompson. The other was Concert Choir which I didn’t want because of who the professor was….not for me.