Yeah!

I had my very last Neupogen shot today!  I am so grateful for that and for those that have come to give them to me.  Laurie and Natasha have been awesome--and patient, on the days I forgot it was time for them to come and wasn't home!  Thanks for doing that for me so I didn't have to stick myself!!!  Sixty six shots in all, almost $20,000 worth (THANK HEAVENS for great insurance!), and that doesn't include the cost of the chemo or its administration.  : )  Wow.  I wonder what they put in these things?!?

Despite me being so tired, we've had a good week.  We had our friends over on Friday.  I overheard Brooklyn suddenly tell all the kids, "My mom doesn't have cancer anymore!"  I think she absorbed Mat's explanation and my demonstration with the leaf.  I hope she will feel better and sleep better knowing that.  I hope everyone sleeps better knowing that!  She asked me yesterday why, when we go to the dentist, they don't have a drawer for the grown-ups where they can pick out purses and other stuff.  I love what kids come up with!  : )

Isaac loves to read!  He constantly thinks about the stories he's reading and loves to tell us all about them.  He brought home a paper from school this week titled "All About Me!".  It is an outline for a paper they are working on at school.  The three catagories he chose to write about are his dreams, his favorite sports and his favorite things to do.  His dreams are to be come an author, a librarian and a celebrity.  Awesome!  His favorite sports are football, soccer and baseball.  We play all of those at home, even the littlest among us.  His favorite things to do are play video games *sigh*, read and people watch.  I love to watch people!  I didn't know that about him!  I am so glad I've slowed down and I'm more involved and paying more attention to the small details.  Of all of the kids, I think Isaac has benefitted the most from me being home all the time.  He smiles more, is more relaxed and spends more time "hanging" with the fam.  My business took a lot out of all of us and I am grateful to be able to take this year off.

I asked the big kids to help me with some weeding yesterday.  The rain just hasn't worked around the days I feel good, and I am a fair weather gardener!  The backyard is a disaster, there is so much to do.  When I get Isaac out to help me, he'll do it, but it's probably his least favorite thing to do.  Maddie grunts, but she's more willing.  We went out and got started and were able to talk a long time about all kinds of stuff.  The others were distracted with a project, so it was just me and her.  It was awesome!  After we came in, she said, "That was fun to talk and stuff."  I learned that when you want your kids to open up and talk to you about what is going on in their lives, WEED together!

I've been thinking about the half marathon last week.  The hardest part of the race was the last 4 to 5 blocks.  I could see the finish line, but it felt like I would never get there.  When I was diagnosed, I was so overwhelmed by everything that needed to happen to make me well again, all the things in my life that would need to change, the help I would need to learn to accept and the complete inadequacy I felt depending on spiritual strength I didn't think I had.  I had a hard time believing then that I would be where I am today--at the end of treatments (I've heard from many that the emotional stuff could still come).  I think our lives are like that too.  We cruise along and things are going great and something happens, a crisis, that helps us remember why we are here and who is in charge.  This morning we were listening to the choir broadcast.  They sang "How Firm A Foundation", which I love, especially since Mac Wilberg spiced it up so fantastically!  The very last verse goes like this:

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

Websters says 'repose' means "being at rest; peace; tranquillity; calm; dignified calmness, as of manner; composure".  That is exactly how I feel!  Even though this has been tough, this has been a blessing.  My spirit has been strengthened and I have felt His love.  We all have definitely felt His love.

Tonight, Mat took Brooklyn for a walk around the block.  He said he just wanted to get outside for a few minutes and she was the only one available.  I believe he was prompted to take her because while they were walking, Brooklyn asked him if I still had cancer.  He explained the best he could what it meant to have my "last chemo" and what that meant for the cancer cells.  I know she has worried a great deal about it lately.  Often at bedtime, she will come tell me she has a tummy ache, or a head ache, or her elbow hurts . . .  Thanks to the counsel of a good friend, when she has an ailment, we get her blanket and wrap up on the couch and talk about random stuff.  We'll make plans for the next day or talk about the funny things that happened that day, often all she needs is some love.

Sometimes I struggle with how the kids have to deal with all of this too.  It's one thing for me to have to come to grips with, but they don't have enough life experience to understand exactly what is going on.  I understand why crappy things happen to good people.  I've learned a great deal from all of this and am grateful for the experience!  But it is really difficult for me to watch the kids try to make sense of it all.

I sat with Brooklyn tonight and tried to explain what it meant to have my last chemo.  I took a leaf from outside and tore a tiny peice off.  I explained that cancer started out really small, like the tip of the leaf, but it grows really fast and turned into a leaf like this.  That is why the doctors had to take it out.  Then, I explained that sometimes tiny cancer floats around in your blood, and that is why they do chemo.  The chemo kills the cancer cells that float around.  I explained that my doctor decided that 8 treatments was enough to kill the tiny cancer that might be in my blood.  I hope I didn't confuse her more.  Maybe it will open up more opportunities to talk and reassure the kids.  In all this time, that is the first question any of them have asked us.

Mat and I went to our support groups at the Cancer Wellness House tonight.  The social worker asked me how it is to sit and listen to people talk about recurrences.  I told them that I was impressed with how positive they are and how matter-of-fact they are about their treatments.  They have accepted "what is" and do the best they can to get through it.  I admitted that I had been thinking today about recurrence.  I've considered going back to school for a Masters.  I've always wanted to do it and have looked into some programs recently.  Today, that thought crept in . . . "I can't go back to school, what if cancer comes back!"  I was reassured by a couple of women there that a diagnosis doesn't determine what you can accomplish in your life.  One woman with a rare form of ovarian cancer was given no more than a year to live.  That was 21 months ago.  She mourned, after her diagnosis, not being able to go back to Europe again.  She flies out on June 6th for a three week trip to France.  Another woman with terminal kidney/lung cancer told me that she applied for her dream job just before she was diagnosed.  When she got the interview, she told them up front that she would need some sick leave for her treatments.  They gave her the job anyway and she worked for a year before she had to quit.  She never regretted taking the job, even for a short time, because she had always wanted to do it.

Through other trials and this one, I have felt strongly that Heavenly Father is well aware of me and my family.  I know that my cancer was no accident.  I have learned a great deal from this experience that I could not have learned any other way.  We have seen so many miracles and received so many blessings from so many people.  We love you all!

my last chemo

I honestly never thought that this day would come.  I had my 8th and last chemo treatment yesterday.  I remember feeling so overwhelmed in February when I was just starting.  I felt so awful and didn't know if I could do it!  But I have, with the help from my family and so many friends!  Maddie got to come with me this last time.  Each of the kids got to come with me once.  I wanted them to see what the nurses did and meet my doctor.  I wanted them to see that I am in good hands and they are taking good care of me.  I have to admit that I wanted to do something crazy, like a cartwheel, on the way out of the building.  A giant load has been lifted from my shoulders.  I've been told by others that I will feel better and better and the days and weeks go on, that I will feel like my old self again.  Can't wait for that!

There it is, my empty Taxol bag! 

I've met many friends along the way that have changed my life, friends that are still going through what I've been through.  My heart and prayers go out to you everyday!  I am so grateful for what I have learned from you, and I hope in some way I can be a strength to you as well!  All my love!

Standard Examiner

Two Ogden event runners
also battling cancer

OGDEN - For Kim Ulmer and Nick Raitt, Saturday's 10th annual Ogden Marathon was more than a competition against the field, it was a race with a cause against a menacing foe--cancer.

Little did Ulmer know of the challenge that loomed on the horizon when she signed up for the half marathon in early November.  Before the month was out she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  "I decided that I was not going to let it take me out and that I was going to continue to prepare for the race."

During the months leading up to the marathon, Ulmer has undergone chemotherapy -- with the last one scheduled for Monday -- and has had to modify her training.

"I'm a runner, but I had to do more walking as part of my training because of the chemo.  I was still able to run a lot of it (half marathon), and made it with the encouragement of my sister, Mel Escandon, who was beside me all the way pushing me.  My goal was to finish under three hours, and I was so excited when I crossed in 2:57."

Having accomplished her target time, Ulmer is equally optimistic about her challenge and battle with cancer.  "I figure that if I can do this while going through chemo, I can beat cancer," Ulmer said.  "I hope people will see this as an awesome opportunity of helping others become aware of cancer."

Raitt's approach to the marathon was similar, but with a little different twist.  He organized the Wacky Warriors, supporters with the vision of drawing attention to cancer among young adults, and to have fun in the process.  In 2007, at the age of 18, Nick was diagnosed with a rare soft tissue cancer.  After 28 radiation treatments and two surgeries, the cancer went into remission, but two years later it returned with a tumor in his pancreas.

Additional chemotherapy and radiation treatments, more surgeries and hospital stays have been commonplace for Raitt, but because of the effect it had on his quality of life, he chose to stop all treatments and today has no evidence of the disease.

"What keeps me going is the fact that I can do something to change this," Raitt said.  "If I can be a part of the solution, and help other cancer survivors along the way, then I will do whatever I can to raise awareness and help change people's views on cancer."

Now that some months have past since my diagnosis, my perspective has changed dramatically.  In the beginning I was overwhelmed by what we would be facing and overcome with emotion.  I am so grateful that my faith and time have taught me to think differently.  One of the most important lessons I've learned is that, even when things look grim, we can be optimistic.  I believe strongly that my optimism comes through my faith in Christ.  I decided early on that I wanted to keep living my life as normally as possible.  That is why I pushed through the pain of training and running that dang race.  : )

Half Marathon!

There were 30 people in matching shirts that had my motto:

You will never know how strong you are until you have been in a fight with yourself!

Cool picture huh?  It was way too early in the morning!

We did it!  I can't walk tonight, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, but we all finished the race.  Mel (my sister), Kara (high school friend) and I came in at 2 hours 55 minutes (my goal was under 3 hours).  I have to say that the last 4 blocks were the hardest for me.  I could see the finish line, I could see all those people on the sidelines, but my knees and my hips hurt so bad.  Three of my siblings did the race with me and the other three were at the finish line with their families.  My mom came too, it was great to all be there together!  I had so many friends come and do the race or meet us at the finish line.  THANKS to everyone that came today to support me and my family.  Here are a few pictures . . .

Running toward the canyon in beautiful Ogden Valley where I grew up.

Two awesome friends, Esther and Colleen--thanks for coming guys!

THE FINISH LINE!  Me, Mel and my friend Kara crossed it together!  I hope I can get pictures of everyone in our group as they crossed over the line!

My brother, Jeff and his wife Jeri, crossing the finish line!

My crazy siblings who participated in the race.  I wonder if they all feel the same way I do tonight?!

Jeri, Jeff, Me, Kari and Mel

Friends from high school, Marilee and Kara (came from Atlanta!) and my sister Kari.

Mel kicked my behind today.  She encouraged me the whole way.  I felt like I was slowing her down, but she refused to go on without me.  Thanks Mel!

After we crossed the finish line, a reporter from the Standard Examiner approached me and asked if he could ask me some questions.  I'm learning that when you do things like run crazy races and you look like I do, you tend to get noticed.  My mom will watch for the story and I'll put it on here.  : )

When I was running Race for the Cure on Saturday, I was about a mile from the finish line when I heard a voice behind me say, "If she can do it, I can do it!"  I chuckled to myself and kept running (a term I use lightly, as I don't really run, I jog really slowly).  "Sheesh!"  I thought.  "It's only three miles!!!" 

I've had the opportunity through this cancer journey to meet so many people that I wouldn't have met to otherwise.  Some people are younger than I am, some have kids younger than mine, some I've met have a "scarier" diagnosis than me, but I've been amazed at the faith and peace they exhibit as they face their cancer like I've tried to faced mine.  I went to the Wellness (support) group meeting at the Cancer Wellness House tonight.  There was a new member of the group, so we all went around to introduce ourselves.  When it was my turn, I gave my name and said, "I have breast cancer? . . . I had breast cancer?  I'm not exactly sure what my status is!"  Am I cured?  Am I in remission? 

It is very strange to be going for my last chemo on Monday.   Up to this point, I've known exactly what I needed to do to get to this point, although early on I was sure this day would never come.  I've focused on very little besides my family and my cancer for the last 6 months.  What do I do now?  I hope that I can give the same way people have given to us.  My heart feels like it will burst when I reflect on the miracles we've seen through all of this!  All I want to do is pay it forward.  I want to be there for people the way so many people have been there for us.  I was talking to a friend in the ward tonight (I won't put her on the spot).  I invited her to our party on Sunday.  She said, "But I feel like I haven't done anything for you."  I reminded her that just after my diagnosis, she made me two rice bags that I can put in the microwave to warm up and keep my feet warm when I go to bed.  My feet are always icy-cold in the winter.  I can't tell you how many times I've climbed up on the bathroom cabinet so I could run hot water over my feet before I went to bed!  She didn't know it, but she solved my feet problem.  : )  With that said:

We're having a "THANKS to you ALL!" and
 Celebrating my last chemo!  Party on Sunday, the 16th.  Please bring a potluck dish to share if you can.  If you can't, come anyway!  Bring your kids!  The weather will be awesome, they can play outside!

News Story / Party Reminder!

I just figured out how to get to the video for last night's news story.  Go to http://www.abc4.com/, click on Videos, and then on "Thousands gather for Race for the Cure".   There I am.  : )

Just a reminder that next Sunday, May 16th we are celebrating the end of my chemo road!  We are having a potluck party, from 6:00 until whenever.  Bring whatever you want, but don't feel like you have to bring something if you don't have time.  Last time we had tons of food and had a blast!  We hope to have LOTS of people, please come!

Race for the CURE!

Oh my heck, what a blast we had today!!  I'm just going to post a few pictures because it's late.  Channel 4 News interviewed me today and I was on their story at 10 p.m. about the race!  They showed me twice!  If I can get the video link for it, I'll post it here.  : )

My awesome family, my sister Mel, and my friend Esther.  A good looking group!

At the starting line, isn't that amazing!

This is Reese, I met her a couple of months ago at a Young Survivor Sister meeting.  She is 29 years old and a fighter!  She is amazing.

This is Whitney, I met her at a Young Survivor Sister lunch a while back.  She is awesome too, I've met so many great people through all of this!

This is another great lady, Pilar ("Pea-lahr", I don't know how to spell her name).  I met her at the Cancer Wellness House.  Her daughter goes to Mat's school, so there was an instant connection!  : )

There was an ocean of people in the plaza watching the Survivor Parade.  So cool!

This was very touching--the survivors parade. I've done the race a couple of times before but never had a reason to stay for this. All of the survivors paraded in through the crowd and up to the steps behind the Gateway.

My awesome family, my sister Mel, my friend Esther and her sister Mish.  Mat and all the kids came and did the race with me.  Maddie and Isaac walked the whole thing, Mel carried Brooklyn the last two miles, and I ran about the last 1 1/2 to 2 miles.  It made me so happy!

PARTY!!!

OK, we're inviting you ALL to another party.  We want to celebrate my last chemo, which is May 17th.  We will be getting together on Sunday, May 16th starting around 6 p.m. and we'll be here having fun until everyone goes home.  Kids are welcome!  Maddie had a blast last time as "Madame Lulu", the fortune teller.  All the kids and a few adults had their fortunes told by Madame Lulu.  All were amazed at the futures she promised them.  She has a vivid imagination!  : )   Bring a dish to share if you would like.  Our last party was a perfect blend of everything imaginable and turned out amazingly well.  So, please come, everyone!  The weather will be perfect, we can spread out onto the deck this time.  I can't wait!!!  Please let me know if you need directions to our house.

I knew I'd forget something!  My brain is not at it's best right now.  : )  I wanted to mention in yesterday's post that after the broadcast ended and we were gathering up our things, a man approached me.  His hairdo was identical to mine.  When you see a man with no hair, you can easily assume it could just be his chosen hairstyle, but his was not.  He came to tell me that he has Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and is going through chemo right now too.  We compared notes and shared insights for about 15 minutes.  Then, there was another couple standing in the doorway of the chapel waiting for us.  She said she had Leukemia about 5 years ago, she talked to me and encouraged me.  I was totally amazed that these two complete strangers would approach me and offer support and encouragement through sharing their stories with me.  I will provide the same kind of support for people as I encounter them throughout my life. 

Peach Fuzz Halo

I wanted to get to this hours ago but didn't quite make it.  Now it is almost "tomorrow" and I hope I can remember everything I wanted to say.  : )  It's been kind-of a tough week with chemo's fun side effects (taste distortion, fatigue, neuropathy, body aches).  I haven't been on the computer much but I'm feeling better now and look forward to getting my yard weeded and the lawn mowed this week.

Two nights ago, upon close inspection of my head, I realized I have "peach fuzz"!  Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that things will soon get back to normal, that I will feel good again, and my hair will grow in.  It made me think about the incredible journey our family has been on in the last 6 months.  I say "incredible" because, though stressful, we have gained so much from the experience (D / C 122:7).  We have received so many blessings and have been the recipients of so much service (Mosiah 2:17).  I have learned so much that I could not have learned any other way.  I have felt undeniably that Heavenly Father knows who I am and loves me and my family.  He knows the struggles Mat and the kids have faced and has helped me know how to help them cope.  For that, I am thankful.

We had the opportunity this morning to attend a regional conference with 60 stakes in Davis and Weber County.  Many of you were in attendance and were uplifted by the amazing messages that were given.  I, personally, couldn't face fighting the traffic downtown, and the crowds, and the baby and all the necessary equipment to get through a 2 hour meeting.  Mat took the baby and went to his parents ward to hear his dad's Sunday School lesson.  I took the big kids and we drove to a stake center in Centerville to watch the broadcast.  I was so uplifted as I listened to Pres. Eyring's talk about the pioneer (whose name has escaped me) that settled in Farmington in 1865.  He was totally destitute and worked so hard to support and provide for his family.  He received so much kindness and service from other settlers to help him get through his first year in the valley.  After he got a modest house built and had crops ready to harvest, a fire destroyed everything and they had to start over.  He was not bitter, he was grateful that his family was OK.

I was so touched by this man's faith, testimony and perseverance.  We don't get to choose our trials or the outcomes, but we do get to choose how we react to them.  My friend, Kara, sent me a card this week with this quote:

Most obstacles melt away when we make up our

minds to walk boldly through them.   -Orson Swett Marden

When we rely on Heavenly Father, when we trust that it's OK if His plan is different from ours, when we have faith that we can get through anything we're handed in our lives, great things can come from our trials.  We aren't promised that He will take our troubles away and make our lives easy, but we are promised that we won't be given anything we can't handle (can't for the life of me think of the reference or the right words to search, in the BofM . . . can someone help?) and that He will lighten the burden and make it doable (Mosiah 24:14-15--I love this scripture!).  Of this, I am sure.

Brooklyn's latest interpretation of mom.  She makes me smile!