Tonight, Mat took Brooklyn for a walk around the block.  He said he just wanted to get outside for a few minutes and she was the only one available.  I believe he was prompted to take her because while they were walking, Brooklyn asked him if I still had cancer.  He explained the best he could what it meant to have my "last chemo" and what that meant for the cancer cells.  I know she has worried a great deal about it lately.  Often at bedtime, she will come tell me she has a tummy ache, or a head ache, or her elbow hurts . . .  Thanks to the counsel of a good friend, when she has an ailment, we get her blanket and wrap up on the couch and talk about random stuff.  We'll make plans for the next day or talk about the funny things that happened that day, often all she needs is some love.

Sometimes I struggle with how the kids have to deal with all of this too.  It's one thing for me to have to come to grips with, but they don't have enough life experience to understand exactly what is going on.  I understand why crappy things happen to good people.  I've learned a great deal from all of this and am grateful for the experience!  But it is really difficult for me to watch the kids try to make sense of it all.

I sat with Brooklyn tonight and tried to explain what it meant to have my last chemo.  I took a leaf from outside and tore a tiny peice off.  I explained that cancer started out really small, like the tip of the leaf, but it grows really fast and turned into a leaf like this.  That is why the doctors had to take it out.  Then, I explained that sometimes tiny cancer floats around in your blood, and that is why they do chemo.  The chemo kills the cancer cells that float around.  I explained that my doctor decided that 8 treatments was enough to kill the tiny cancer that might be in my blood.  I hope I didn't confuse her more.  Maybe it will open up more opportunities to talk and reassure the kids.  In all this time, that is the first question any of them have asked us.

Mat and I went to our support groups at the Cancer Wellness House tonight.  The social worker asked me how it is to sit and listen to people talk about recurrences.  I told them that I was impressed with how positive they are and how matter-of-fact they are about their treatments.  They have accepted "what is" and do the best they can to get through it.  I admitted that I had been thinking today about recurrence.  I've considered going back to school for a Masters.  I've always wanted to do it and have looked into some programs recently.  Today, that thought crept in . . . "I can't go back to school, what if cancer comes back!"  I was reassured by a couple of women there that a diagnosis doesn't determine what you can accomplish in your life.  One woman with a rare form of ovarian cancer was given no more than a year to live.  That was 21 months ago.  She mourned, after her diagnosis, not being able to go back to Europe again.  She flies out on June 6th for a three week trip to France.  Another woman with terminal kidney/lung cancer told me that she applied for her dream job just before she was diagnosed.  When she got the interview, she told them up front that she would need some sick leave for her treatments.  They gave her the job anyway and she worked for a year before she had to quit.  She never regretted taking the job, even for a short time, because she had always wanted to do it.

Through other trials and this one, I have felt strongly that Heavenly Father is well aware of me and my family.  I know that my cancer was no accident.  I have learned a great deal from this experience that I could not have learned any other way.  We have seen so many miracles and received so many blessings from so many people.  We love you all!