So Many Questions

I wouldn't wish my situation on ANYONE.  As I left my oncologists office on Friday, the feeling I got from her was, "we'll do the best we can to extend your life as long as possible, but this is NOT good!"  I really love her, and think she's a great doctor.  She and her nurse, Kathy, are so compassionate and wonderful.  But the last 24 hours have brought many thoughts about, "Is that the best I can do?  Just extend my life a little while poisoning my body?"  I mean, isn't that the point anyway?  That my body has a toxic load, and it finally caught up with me?

Last night I was thinking about Michelle.  I met Michelle at the institute at Weber State in 1990.  We've been friends ever since.  She would NOT be happy if she knew I posted this picture!  She has

cerebral palsy, epilepsy, scoliosis, a trach, she's confined to a wheelchair, on top of a host of other problems.  I stick around because she doesn't generally let it get her down (as you can see!).  I told Michelle a few years ago, before a surgery she had, that I was going to take care of her the rest of her life.  She has a couple siblings who only need her when they need money.  That's the only family she has.  She needed someone who would make sure she was OK, make sure she wasn't getting ripped off, to take her to doctors, and help her navigate her challenges.  I've become her advocate and have tried my best to do that.

I haven't told Michelle about my latest predicament.  She will be devastated and heart-broken.  She will give up her will to keep going.  I've asked our mutual friends NOT to say anything to her.  I will tell her when the time is right.  I've wondered if I treated this monster in untraditional ways, that didn't affect my health so much and make me so sick, if I couldn't just deal with my stuff and she wouldn't even have to know.  

Along those same lines, wouldn't it also be better for MY family, not to see me suffer like I did before?  If I could do antioxidant therapy, and other alternative modalities, and be able to function better everyday, wouldn't that be better for them and me?  I don't think chemo is the my only option, but I have A LOT to learn.  And I better learn it fast!