Christmas Classes

I taught 3 Christmas classes this week, which has been really fun!  It's cool to see people get excited as the ornaments get added, then red berries, and it clicks for them.  Everyone loves how it turns out and leaves with wheels turning, planning out how to do their trees in a different, more beautiful way.  Not that kid ornament trees aren't beautiful (in their own way!) but Temple Square style trees are pretty remarkable and unique in their style.  From ornament prep to the finished product, it all makes so much sense!

Tomorrow is my 9th treatment.  It will be a "small" one, just Taxol, so it won't take too long.  I expect everything will go just like it always has.  My cancer friend, Regena, is coming with me tomorrow.  And we're going to get Indian food before, just for good measure.  I've been discouraged today.  I called my nurse this morning because I was unsure about chemo next week.  My CT scan is on Wednesday, by Friday we'll have results.  So, if the cancer has responded like I hope it has, would I continue doing chemo?  Yes--to 12 treatments.

Chemo's side effects are wearing on me.  Fatigue, fatigue, fatigue, constipated diarrhea (yes, it's possible), a runny, bloody, raw nose that never stops (I should buy stock in Kleenex), taste distortion--nothing tastes good, super dry skin, and unquenchable thirst.  There comes a point where you just want to put all that behind you.  I'm looking at the New Year before there's a possibility of that.  I'm assuming things go my way.  So it's discouraging, I thought I'd be getting a reprieve after this week.  Blahhh!

My sweet Aunt Jeanette sent me this necklace--I love it!  What a great constant reminder that these are the most important things in life!  I'll wear it everyday.

I also wanted to post a picture of the awesome vegan treats my friend Shellie makes for me.  Lately, she's kept me well stocked with treats I can eat, which I'm so grateful for.  Who doesn't need chocolate everyday!  If I was going to choose a candy bar, it would be a Reeses, so these healthy peanut butter cups are perfect, and SO good.  I keep them hidden, they're too good to share with little people.  :)

Gratitude!

This year, we've been so overwhelmed with help and blessings and meals!  Weeks ago, I sat down with my friend Cindy, and we wrote Thank You notes to everyone who had donated money to our medical expense fund.  So many people have reached out to us!  Even more has been donated since our goal was reached.  I feel like I'm so far behind, it would be impossible to thank everyone personally because the blessings just keep rolling in, and I can't keep track of it all!  So, if I never get these cards out, I hope every one of you knows how truly grateful we are for everything that you are doing for us right now!  I hope that I have adequately expressed it in my day to day life!

I had a cancer friend, Charity, reach out to me a couple of weeks ago.  She does "foot zoning" and offered to help me through chemo by working those toxins out of my body.  She came clear from South Jordan on Monday, and I was so grateful!  She has a very light touch, but I was amazed at the results.  It was great to talk to her, and find that the life changes we made as a result of the original diagnosis are very similar.  I hope she never has to deal with another diagnosis.  My wish is that no one would ever have to deal with a diagnosis in the first place.

Mat was really excited to pull out the camper on Wednesday and take it for a drive, practice backing it in to a space, etc.  And the kids were super excited about sleeping in it!  All four of them packed bedding outside and set up their beds, and made it all night-despite the cold!

Thanks to Jeanne and Cathy for coming to chemo with me yesterday!  Everything went fine, just as expected.  I can't imagine doing chemo alone, even though I feel good enough to drive myself and get home again.  Having friends there makes all the difference to me!  This Friday is #9, CT scan happens on Dec. 6.

I got to see another dear friend, Olivia, for dinner yesterday.  She's here from out of town, and is one busy lady, but she made time for me.  Livi is one of my favorite people, she moved into our ward when we were teenagers.  But it took us both being married with kids before we figured out we could be great friends!  She's lived and traveled all over the world, and has so many great stories, and dreams, and aspirations!  There was so much stuff to talk about that cancer never even came up.  I was happy to have a respite for a couple of hours, to just not think about it.

I taught another Christmas tree class last night, this one at my house.  It was especially fun because I didn't have to dismantle the tree after I got it decorated!  :)  I've been buying ornaments for this years tree since August (love Hobby Lobby!).  And, in my humble opinion, it's GORGEOUS!  I've got 4 more classes scheduled, and would do more if anyone was interested.  I love sharing what I learned about decorating last year!

Maddie went and turned 20 on us!  She's such a great girl.  I'm so proud of everything she's accomplished.  She's grown up a lot at Snow College, it's been a great experience for her.  She's paid for everything on her own, and learned a lot about life and budgeting and priorities.  She'll get her associates degree after next semester, and then move home and figure out what to do with her life after that.  :)

Becca, a friend from Wasatch Peak Academy (where our kids go to school) contacted me a couple of weeks ago, she had just heard the news.  She, like so many, just want to help.  She has a friend with a house cleaning business and offered to pay to have them come clean our house.  Arrangements were made, and two women came today (who also have kids at WPA) and cleaned every corner of our house, it looks amazing!  I told the kids they weren't allowed in the kitchen or bathrooms ... ever again!

What would I do without my friends?

This is what a dear friend said to me after the last blog post:  God is full of miracles!  That's what I think.  Man can give you a guess of time (left) ... but it's really up to God!  That's where we place our faith, and he knows you and loves you!  He has a plan for your life!  It is not just a random, whatever happens happens deal.  You are His precious child and He has a specific plan and purpose for your life.  You will not go until you have fulfilled your special purpose ... and He calls you home!

This is exactly what I needed to hear, because as much as I want to be in charge of this disease and my life, I'm not.  It will take time to get this idea ingrained in my head and spirit, and I'll have to remind myself again and again and again.  It will take time to understand cancer's purpose.  It will take time to accept the plan God has for me, because this isn't what I planned for my life.

I want to get back to feeling "normal", when I can return to work and run my business like I always have.  I want the energy to get through the day without sleeping half of it away.  I want to somehow put cancer on the back burner in my head, so I can be truly happy, engaged and involved with the people and events around me.  I put on a good show, friends.  It's easy to let stress and worry overtake and overwhelm me.  So, I will work on remembering the inspired words shared with me by my friend.

Venting . . .

It's been a rough day.  It was my "big" treatment, and it went just fine.  No issues, I feel great.  My BFF from high school (Sarah) came with me, and we had fun coloring and watching a movie with shared headphones.  I've been thinking about getting a splitter so I can plug in two sets of headphones to my laptop, but I never got around to it since she came with me three weeks ago.  We watched Shadowlands, which is such a tender, true story about C.S. Lewis who falls in love and marries an American woman later in his life.  And then she up and gets terminal cancer and dies.  "The happiness now is part of the pain then."  "The pain now is part of the happiness then."  It's really good, watch it!!!

I had a couple questions for my oncologist when I saw her this morning.  I can't remember one because the other one consumed my thoughts the rest of the day and made me so sad.  I asked her what I could expect in the course of the treatment cycles that will come.  She told me that we'll do the CT scan (December 6th) and then assess what to do.  It's looking like cutting back on chemo, because  the lumps in my neck seem to be totally gone.  The tumors in my liver are probably smaller too.

And then there's this cycle, where the cancer grows again, and then chemo gets more intense again, and then we do a scan again, blah, blah, blah.  But over time, the chemo won't be as effective, and that's when it starts to grow out of control.  I'm paraphrasing!  So, let's say she told me in the first appointment that I had 23 years.  Today she said 22 to 23 years.  She jipped me a year, and it hit me between the eyes.  Why is it, that in the 21st century, chemo can't just KILL ALL CANCER CELLS?!?  That's my question for when I see her in 3 weeks.  I just don't understand.  I'm not just relying on chemo to kill my cancer cells.  I take Copaiba and Frankincense, and have a host of supplements that I feel are helping me too.  AND I signed up for a clinical study today, so I have a 50% chance of getting an additional drug to help me fight my fight.

On the brighter side, I did two Christmas tree decorating classes this week.  The generosity of people, even strangers, never ceases to amaze me!

I went to Time Out For Women tonight, a gift from my friend Karin.  It was so amazing and inspiring.  Sometimes I have a little attitude about feeling like it's just a marketing event Deseret Book (which it is).  But the speakers and music tonight were AMAZING.  Tim Ballard, Nathan Pacheco and Sheri Dew.  Not sure who's on the docket for tomorrow, but I'm excited for it!  And, Geri T. was sitting two rows behind me, and she was with one of the cancer friends I met years ago.  Small world!

One More Thing!

I have some openings for more Christmas tree decorating classes! We can schedule these at your house with as many people as you want, or at my house--5 per class--because I'm so limited on space, but either one works for me!

November 16th during the day
November 21st during the day
November 22nd day or evening
November 28th to the 30th, day or evening

I'll be putting up my own tree the evening of the 24th, so if you want to come watch that unfold, let me know! I'm happy to make that a class as well.

Let's do this!

3 more to the next scan

I've had a good weekend for the most part.  I didn't start getting nauseated until the middle of church, so I took a pill--I always have my drugs with me!  In RS, I sat next to a dear friend who I look up to a lot.  Sometimes it's a struggle for people to know what to say to me, but she said it more perfectly than I could have.  (I'm paraphrasing because ... chemo brain!)  "Why can't stuff like this happen to people like me??  I've lived a full life and this would be OK for me, but it's not OK for you!"  Amen to that.  I look at older couples in our neighborhood and envy them.  That's how I always pictured me and Mat.  All I ever considered was that we would be just like them.  I want to be around forever, and not miss a single family event, EVER!  So, my new reality really sucks.  And I've got to come to terms with it.  I will, in time.

Tonight Mat posted this on FB:

Someone told me last week that they would rather be the sick one instead of the caretaker. I've been thinking about that a lot this week, as I monitor my stress levels and attitude at home and at work. I have to admit there has be a Lot of tv/iphone escapism lately...

But I do get some real joy at seeing her get through the weekend with flying colors after a treatment, and seeing her take on a new project like her christmas tree class, and going out with her to buy a tent camper!!!  Can't wait for the summer vacation plans.

We did do a crazy thing and buy a tent trailer yesterday.  We had some of the money saved in our "vacation savings account", money saved on top of our "medical savings account."  Mat said I got through the weekend with flying colors, but I was feeling a tad bit sorry for myself and suggested we go to the trailer place.  One of my most prized possessions right now is having some time to make memories with my family.  July 2018 will be spent on the road, driving as far east as Boston, by way of Mount Rushmore, along the great lakes, Niagara Falls, Hill Cumorah pageant, Boston, Rhoade Island (McKinley said we had to go there because of that one Studio C skit) NYC, Phillie, Washington DC, and then pick a route back to the west, camping in KOA's all along the way.  I went to one and picked up the national directory of campgrounds, so we're in good shape!


We've talked about this trip for years, we always said we'd do it before Maddie graduated.  She'll be 20 this month, so it's high time we get it taken care of . . . especially NOW.  Right before my re-diagnosis, we went to Barnes and Noble and bought a giant map of the U.S., and we've been putting pins in places we want to go for sure.  It's so good for all of us to have something "big" to look forward to!  

Germ Warfare

I'm super paranoid about germs right now.  My immune system is shot, it wouldn't take much to throw me into a tail spin.  I ran a bunch of errands today, and everywhere I went, I looked for hand sanitizer.  I went into Walmart and only touched the two things I was buying and the "enter" button on the card machine.  I'm very careful about what I touch no matter where I am, I wash my hands so much they flake from being so dry, and I make a conscious effort to NOT touch my face.

I also visited my friend, Michelle.  She's in a rehab facility right now with a C. Diff infection.  Anyone who knows C. Diff knows it's a highly contagious, intestinal (?) infection that can go on for weeks.  In her case, it has gone on for weeks.  The symptom is wicked diarrhea.  It also means isolation, she's not allowed to leave her room or have contact with other residents / patients.  It means the staff put on a "hazmat" suit every time they come into her room.  It's caused by the overuse of antibiotics-kills all the good flora that keep things in balance.  Her doctors often don't know what to do to help her, so they give her a pill.  I only got as close as touching her foot when I left, which was under a blanket.  For now, that will have to be enough.

I took Isaac to see Annie (social worker @ Huntsman) yesterday.  I'd say he's a hard nut to crack, but I knew that already.  He's not one to open up and talk about much of anything, even when there isn't a life threatening illness hanging over our heads!  One breakthrough we had was when she asked me what Isaac could do to help out.  I thought about it, then asked if he could help make sure the kitchen was clean every night.  Dishes loaded, counters and table washed, etc.  Last night, I asked him to come help me with the kitchen, which he did willingly.  We worked together to get it done.

Mat is usually "the guy" when it comes to cleaning the kitchen in the evening.  But he's burning the candle at both ends, and not very effectively.  He's up by 6 a.m. and out the door.  It's usually 5:30 or 6:00 before he's rolling in again.  To make matters worse, it's musical season.  Instead of doing the prep he needs to after school, he's in rehearsal.  And it's Christmas season as soon as the musical is over.  We'll be counting the days until Christmas break!  I'm trying not to be a wimp, and cut him some slack, take care of some of that stuff myself.

Food is my nemesis. My taste is distorted, I have a "metallic" taste in my mouth, so nothing tastes good.  Even things I love, like Indian food, don't taste right.  It makes eating healthy, like I know I should be eating, nearly impossible.  You know the juicer we bought?  I can't even gag it down (although there was that time when Mat said if I drank my two inches of juice before he did, then I'd get the $150 Amazon gift card he got for some survey he did.  That time I gagged it down, and held him to his promise!).  Mat and Brooklyn like it, I can't stand it.  I can't find a salad dressing that makes salad palatable.  So I struggle, I have a hate:hate relationship with meal time, and eat more junk than I should (because I can taste it).  I'll do better, but right now I just need to eat and keep my strength up.

I went this afternoon for my "monthly-because-it's-all-I-can-afford" massage with Diane.  She has magical hands and does me so much good!  I had her put me on her schedule through the end of 2018, first week of each month.  I'm grateful her life's path took her to massage school, and made her one of the best out there.

Infusion #5

I'm sitting here with my neighbor Sandy, waiting for the chemo to come from the pharmacy.  We do a lot of waiting around here!  This is a "small" treatment,  I expect everything to go perfectly.  And the good news is, with this treatment, I'm more than half way done!  I can't wait to get to #9 and schedule the next scan.  I want to see my bad boys eliminated!

This is my fourth time at Huntsman this week.  I brought both girls up to meet with Annie, the social worker, and I met with her once as well.  Last weeks treatment kicked my butt, I had a rough few days early this week.  I'm grateful for the resources I have available to me up there, it's an amazing place!

I've had visits with some great friends this week!  This is Rebecca.  I met her at a Women's Retreat up in Idaho three years ago, we clicked immediately!  It's always been so easy to talk to her, like we've known each other forever.  She came to visit on Wednesday and brought bagels with cream cheese for breakfast.  It was great to have some time and catch up with what they are up to!  She's an amazing lady, and I'm grateful to call her my friend.  She has hard things going on in her life too.  I'm glad we can support each other in our trials. McKinley had the day off from school, so she was our photographer.






A couple of  times when I've gone to see Annie at Huntsman, she's given me a gift card to Smiths.  Gift cards are donated to the hospital by individuals and companies.  I go to Smiths a lot, but not really recently.  We've had so. much. food. brought in, that I haven't really needed to go to the store for much!  So I was brainstorming, thinking of how I could use the gift cards, and it came to me.  CEREAL!  All we eat in the morning is cereal, and I usually buy it at Costco because we go through so much of it.  But my people are getting tired of Costco cereal.  So I thought I'd surprise Brooklyn, after she saw Annie yesterday.  I told her about the cards, and that we were going to go spend them on cereal.  She lit up, and giggled the whole time we filled the cart with cereal we never buy!  She'd say, can we get this?  Can we get this one?  We did buy a couple things that I would consider "sugar bombs", but most of it is OK.  She was so pleased, it totally made my day!


Yesterday I got to see two more great friends.  Wanda was here from Tridell.  We went to lunch at Zupas before she had to head back home.  I always love to talk to her!  She was  a great mission companion, she lifted me then, and she lifts me still.  She also has hard things happening in her life.  Really hard things!  Wanda, I'm praying for you!

Last night we went to an event put on by Huntsman, "Take a Night Off Cancer" at the Grand America.  We went with my friend, Sharla and her husband, Kevin.  I worked with her at Temple Square last winter.  It was so fun to talk to her about some of the hilarious things that happened, and remember those fun times.   I loved working with her and Gidget, we laughed so often and so much, it hurt!  We ate dinner at Royal India and then headed to the event.  It was a great event with healthy desserts, dancing, photo booths, etc. etc.  I ran into a few of my other cancer friends there too.  Over the years, I have met this network of people who are or have all dealt with cancer.  When you're going through it, it seems that EVERYONE is affected by it in one way or another.  I'm pretty cynical about pink ribbons and fund raising campaigns that tout finding a cure.  Despite millions, probably billions of dollars spent on cancer research every year, I doubtful there will ever be a "cure", only better ways to treat it.

I've been thinking this week about the opportunities I've had to see so many friends the last few weeks and be blessed in so many ways.  Sometimes it takes a crisis like mine to remember / realize that the most important thing is the people you have in your life.  It's that connection with people and the good you can do in the world that are the most important things in life.  We don't have a lot of material wealth, but we have been richly blessed by the people in our lives and the circumstances of our lives.  I wouldn't trade that for anything!