Memorable Day, in more ways than one!

On Sunday we drove up to Huntsville, my beloved hometown.  I LOVED growing up there, loved the big open spaces, loved knowing how to play and enjoy the outdoors, etc.  The first place we went to was the house I remember most, 9005 E. 100 S.  It's on the road that leads to Causey Dam and Monte Cristo.  I about died when I saw a "For Sale" sign out front!  The house is obviously empty, so we walked through the yard which brought back so many memories!

That porch over-hang has been added since we lived there, but the
Russian olive tree and the crabapple tree left of the sidewalk
were there when we were.  The crabapple was planted in
memory of my littlest sister, Joanna, who was stillborn (1977).

The back porch, I remember distinctively sitting on the step
shelling peas we'd just picked from the huge garden my Dad planted.
We had a huge old apple tree on the left, where my Dad built a
two-level tree house for us.  We had a huge sandbox and a swing set
over there too.  We were making mud in the huge garden
(on the right, out of the picture) when my parents came home to tell us
about Joanna.  We sat on those stairs and they showed us a picture of her.
I wish I knew where that picture was today.

This is the back-backyard.  We had a huge field where we kept a
few animals off and on, including rabbits in a small barn that
isn't there anymore.  It wouldn't be a stretch to say that some of
them were for dinner sometimes!  Makes me gag, just thinking
of it.  We had 2 acres of unlimited possibilities for play.

Asking price?  A mere $436,000.  Man I wish this was real estate we still owned!  After going down memory lane, we went to the cemetery in Huntsville town, down at Cemetery Point which is surrounded on three sides by Pineview Dam.  I hadn't seen my brother Jeff's rock yet (I don't love to visit cemeteries).


















He died from Glioblastoma, an aggressive brain cancer.  The picture is based off of the one below.  He always wore shorts and always had a hat on.  I sure miss him!

My Mom was also buried there a year ago, almost exactly.  (pictures won't download for some reason)  I miss her too, it's hard not having your Mom around.

As for me, I'm good.  I feel good, I have energy to do what needs to be done, I'm doing my business and working at the nursery as much as I can.  We have a road trip to pay for, and I'm happy to contribute as much as I can.  The "itch" can still be an issue sometimes, but I think it's a little better with Gabapentin.  😊

F2TF

My life has been pretty average lately.  I feel great except for the constant itching.  It's worse at night because I'm trying to wind down so I notice it more!  During the day I'm running constantly from one thing to another, so it's easier to distract myself.  I've been doing landscape designs lately.  I call it "designing on the fly" because I don't draft anything anymore.  I just go check out the yards, then get the plants through my nursery connections and place them out.  And then I let the homeowner plant them.  😉  I charge a flat rate which is so much better than trying to keep track of my time and charging by the hour!  I feel good about it because it has simplified the process, and people feel good about it because they get their yard project done fast.

I worked at the nursery today and ran into one of my favorite friends, Becky!  We were diagnosed around same time late in 2009.  I met her at Sizzler, at a lunch event for a support group we were both in, Young Survivor Sisters.  The whole cancer thing was new to both of us.  We were both kind of late, I followed her in to the table where the group was. Because of that, we sat across from each other and I felt like I had an instant connection with her!  Even though we don't see each other very often, that connection is still there and I love her to pieces!

Me and Becky at the Make the Magic fundraiser
for Camp Kesem BYU in March!

We stood among the plants and talked for 45 minutes or more.  She's such an inspiration to me, very strong in the gospel because she works at it by reading and really knowing the scriptures and going to the temple often.  We talked about this crazy disease, and what a blessing it is to have some time.  Time to make things right, time to think about the legacy you'll leave, time to make memories, time spend with family in more meaningful ways, etc. etc.  I started my day at the nursery tired and on the edge of cranky, and ended the day feeling so much lighter and optimistic by having talked to her!

After her diagnosis and treatment, she and her sister started an non-profit organization called Anything For A Friend.  They came up with a system to help people raise money for a friend or family member going through treatments.  They host a 5K every year in honor of a boy named Tyler who fought the cancer battle a few years ago.  "Fight to the Finish" or F2TF is what the race is all about!  I didn't realize this, but every year Becky and her committee select one person to honor at the race.  This year, it will be me.  The race is being held the morning of July 28th, I think it's at Weber State?  I need to get more details still, but the deal is I've been asked to put together a team of about 25 people who can be there to support us!  We'll all get shirts in the same color, it will be an amazing event!  Below there is a link to a video about it, so check it out.  SO, if you want to be on "my team" and you can and want to come that day, Please let me know!  I need to get shirt sizes to her.  Y'all have my phone number, right?  This link will take you to a video about the event.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/pkvlu3nopa1znfj/F2TF5K%202014.mov?dl=0

Mothers Day

Mothers Day isn't typically my favorite day of the year.  We have a famous line in our family, "Mothers are that they may have guilt!"  Being a Mom is hard!  It's, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done.  When the day approaches ever year, I try hard not to focus too much on my perceived shortcomings.  I doubt I'm the only one!

I worked at J and J on Saturday, I couldn't believe how busy it was--even being so cold and rainy!  At one point, my friend Jenny grabbed my arm and said, "Kim, I need to talk to you!"  I wondered if I was in trouble.  😊  I had come in a couple hours later than normal, hoping that the rain would stop.  It didn't!  We marched up to the front where we keep our stuff behind a counter.  She pulled out an envelope with a card.  This is what it said:

I was stunned when I saw a cashiers check in an amount I wasn't expecting.  I've been in this industry for 15 years, and spent many of those working at one nursery or another.  I've often felt that I wasn't making a "real" impact doing what I was doing.  I thought I should be doing something else more prestigious or noteworthy.  The truth is I've worked with some of the best people on the planet.  I have so many friends I couldn't have known any other way.   I'm so grateful!

The Breast Cancer Club

I started taking Gabapentin on Monday, and I'm happy to report that the itching is better, not gone but manageable!  That's been a huge relief, I'm grateful to have had the help to figure that out. (Thanks to my pharmacist friend who suggested I ask my oncologist about it).

Yesterday was a crazy day!  Me and my oldest daughter have been helping my oldest friend, Louise (she's almost 92, or is it 93??) plant the annuals she loves to have in her yard.  Red geraniums and white petunias.  It's always fun to work side by side with Maddie and gratifying to have at least one of my children who's willing to play in the dirt with me!

I had my support group yesterday and had a great group of women there, as always! At the end of the group, the social worker had us go around and talk about one way cancer has caused vulnerability in our lives.  For me?  Financial!  It shouldn't be news to anyone that teachers don't get paid much.  My reasons for the financial vulnerability are:

• I never went into landscaping thinking I would do it forever.  Don't get me wrong, I love gardening and playing in the dirt!  But when I started, I thought it would be something I would try out for a few years while the kids were little, and then I'd figure out what I really wanted to be.  For about a year before I was re-diagnosed, I would think about what in the heck I would want to go into, but couldn't come up with anything that sounded good.  I needed a direction before I spent a bunch of money to go back to school.  But then cancer was back.  And I realized I wasn't supposed to do anything else.  Fighting cancer IS my job now.  Problem is it doesn't pay very well.  😜  I've lost the opportunity to go back to school, to pursue other things I'm interested in.  I've lost the ability to contribute to our budget in a significant way.
• When we left Bountiful in 2013, I knew it was the right thing to do, but not for financial reasons.  For years I said that if he ever got a job at a high school, we needed to live close to the high school because of the hours and hours of uncompensated time a high school choir job requires.  Many people are/were surprised to hear that Mat went from the 18th step in Granite district to the 9th step in Jordan district.  What that means is he took a significant pay cut to work a lot more hours.  He was burned out on junior high kids and needed a change, but it came with a high cost.  Selling our house in Bountiful was he STUPIDEST thing we've ever done (hindsight 20/20) from a financial standpoint.  Moving back to Bountiful after 2 ½ years in Riverton to the condo, we had no idea where we would be today, 2 years later, with the housing market.  Home prices and interest rates have gone up so much that we'll be hard pressed to be able to afford another house in our neighborhood, even with the equity we have in the condo.  
• The condo has served it's purpose.  We needed to downsize, to get Maddie off to school, to lower our mortgage payment, etc. etc.  I have an intense "want" to move back into a house so I have a garden and yard to work in.  I know, I know.  I can work in yours!  People say that to me all the time.  It's not the same, friends!  I need my own space, where I can create beauty and do my plant therapy.  I honestly think it will help me get through hard times ahead.  If I'm going to croak (as my Mom would say), I'm going to do it on my terms, in MY garden!

When I left group, I didn't feel uplifted like I normally do because these things were swirling through my mind.  I kind of wished we had talked about the hard stuff at the beginning and ended with something else.  I went straight to Diane's for my monthly magical massage, but had a really hard time relaxing because of the intense frustration over where we're at right now (financially) and what I want so bad and feeling that it's not possible.  I don't want to start a 30 year mortgage at almost 50 (not me, Mat!) because that's what we can afford on Mat's income.  Oh how I wish I had some way to help our budget more!!!

Blahhh!  OK, on to the rest.  Last night Mat did his last big concert of the year.  It was amazing, as always!  After every concert, I say "I don't know what you're so worried about!" because he often feels inadequate and overwhelmed.  He hadn't eaten dinner yet, and we hadn't either, so at 9:30 we head into ChickfilA in South Jordan.  When I walked in the door, I immediately saw a woman who looked just like me.  I pointed to her and asked if she was going through what I was going through.  Turns out, she's going through exactly what I'm going through!  And we have the same oncologist!  I stood there for 20-25 minutes and talked to this very nice stranger who was recently inducted into this "club" that no one wants to be a part of.  But once you're in it, you have an instant connection to those in similar circumstances.  This is Andrea, my newest cancer friend.  💕  As I was talking to Andrea, I glanced over and saw the Osborns sitting at a table not far away.  They lived across the street from us in Riverton, we're game night buddies.  We sat and talked until they kicked us out, well after closing time.  The day ended well, despite feeling overwhelmed about other things.  I know this housing thing will turn out OK.  I don't know how or when, but it will.

Stupid Side Effects

Despite feeling quite upbeat the end of this week, it's been a hard weekend.  I didn't follow my routine and skipped breakfast yesterday and today.  It just slipped my mind.  When I forget breakfast, I don't remember my Zoloft (anti-depressant/anxiety), which means that I'm hysterical mess at bedtime when my body itches all over and I can't stop trying to make it stop.  A blessed side effect of Herceptin and Perjeta.  Another side effect of these two drugs is lack of appetite.  I realized about 10:30 tonight that it didn't occur to me to eat today.  I at 2 brownies that Brooklyn made about 2:00 after my nap.  Then I left to go to Ogden to see my friend Michelle, a typical Sunday activity for me.  I ate a bag of doritos in the car, to offset the sugary brownies.  At 10:30, because I was starving I binged on nachos and cereal after realizing I never ate and didn't drink nearly enough water today,   Now I've taken Lorazepam to off-set feeling nauseated.

I'm going to start taking Gabapentin tomorrow.  I've had the prescription for a couple of weeks but haven't started yet because, I guess I needed to wait until I felt more desperate.  I'm desperate!!!  I hate having to take drugs with their own set of side effects to treat side effects from the other drugs I take.  Everything I take is a side effect of having cancer.  I never took anti-anxiety meds until cancer got me the first time.  I never took pills for anything before I was 40, except Ibuprofen type stuff.  😢

It's going to be a crazy week.  I have lots of consultations and landscaping to do, which means I purchase and place out plants in peoples yards.  It can be fun for me, but when I have so much to do . . . .  It's not like it's unusual to be really busy this time of year, I'm just having a harder time managing it all this year.  My brain doesn't work like it always has.

I met a really nice couple last week who have taken an interest in what's going on in my life.  It's kind of obvious something is going on in my life.  People don't usually ask me, but they did, and I could tell it was out of genuine concern for me.  After placing out trees and shrubs last week, we sat down around their fire pit for a few minutes and the husband told me a story that I will try to retell without butchering it too much.  You'll have to let me how I've done, Dean!

He grew up in Syracuse, back when Syracuse was a farming community.  He talked about when he as a kid noticing an old farmer beating his old apple tree with a shovel (or something) one year in the fall.  He wondered what in the world this farmer was doing, beating an old tree like that.  Later, he asked the farmer why he was hitting the tree with a shovel.  The farmer said it was to stress the tree just enough to make it want to have a bumper crop of apples the next fall.  Sure enough, the tree harvested a large crop of beautiful apples the next fall.

Then Dean compared the tree to us.  Sometimes our trials are that proverbial shovel that beats us to our breaking point.  God allows us to experience hard things.  It's not because He doesn't love us, it's because only HE knows what we need to experience to become our very best selves.  Only HE knows which path to send us down.  Everybody has that "thing," that thing that makes us feel like we're being beaten by an old farmer with a shovel.  But we can get through anything that's thrown at us, with God's help.  Now, even if I got some of the details wrong, I got the gist of a great story that reminds me where my faith and trust must be.  💕

My Quarterly Panic Attack

I've held myself together pretty well this week, knowing that I wouldn't get results of yesterdays CT scan until today.  I worked at the nursery today and found myself pacing the isles, desperately  needing information!  Any oncologist knows that her patients are anxious and don't want to wait too long for results, I knew I'd be on her list today.  And I was.  But I couldn't stand it and only made it until 11:00 before I called my nurse Kathy.  She gets the anxiety too, both are always kind and patient with my phone calls.  Kathy always says that it's OK to "come away from the edge of the cliff" now.

The results are great, in a baby steps sort of way.  There's a "Slight decrease in size of metastatic lesions within the liver" From 2.2 cm by 1.5 cm to 1.8 cm by 1.4 cm.  I care less about the measurements, and more about the numbers going down.  The chemo is working!  I'm so relieved and happy with the news.  The AST and ALT (liver function) numbers are back in the normal range too.  And there doesn't appear to be any new spots.  So, yippee!!!

Dr. Prystas commented today on how much better I sound.  I guess I didn't realize I was that much off my normal, but the farther I get from the hard core chemo, the better I feel.  I get through most days without a nap (but I'm happy to use fatigue as a reason to veg out when I need to!).  I have the energy to get through my shifts at the nursery, and do some landscaping on the side.  If I had hair, you'd never think I had cancer.

I'm GRATEFUL for todays news!  My heartfelt thanks to everyone who has helped us get to this point.  The rides, the food, the talking and processing, the mint brownies ...  Seriously, we've been richly blessed!  Next thing on the agenda is planning our Epic Summer Road Trip!