Yesterday was a crazy day! Me and my oldest daughter have been helping my oldest friend, Louise (she's almost 92, or is it 93??) plant the annuals she loves to have in her yard. Red geraniums and white petunias. It's always fun to work side by side with Maddie and gratifying to have at least one of my children who's willing to play in the dirt with me!
I had my support group yesterday and had a great group of women there, as always! At the end of the group, the social worker had us go around and talk about one way cancer has caused vulnerability in our lives. For me? Financial! It shouldn't be news to anyone that teachers don't get paid much. My reasons for the financial vulnerability are:
- I never went into landscaping thinking I would do it forever. Don't get me wrong, I love gardening and playing in the dirt! But when I started, I thought it would be something I would try out for a few years while the kids were little, and then I'd figure out what I really wanted to be. For about a year before I was re-diagnosed, I would think about what in the heck I would want to go into, but couldn't come up with anything that sounded good. I needed a direction before I spent a bunch of money to go back to school. But then cancer was back. And I realized I wasn't supposed to do anything else. Fighting cancer IS my job now. Problem is it doesn't pay very well. 😜 I've lost the opportunity to go back to school, to pursue other things I'm interested in. I've lost the ability to contribute to our budget in a significant way.
- When we left Bountiful in 2013, I knew it was the right thing to do, but not for financial reasons. For years I said that if he ever got a job at a high school, we needed to live close to the high school because of the hours and hours of uncompensated time a high school choir job requires. Many people are/were surprised to hear that Mat went from the 18th step in Granite district to the 9th step in Jordan district. What that means is he took a significant pay cut to work a lot more hours. He was burned out on junior high kids and needed a change, but it came with a high cost. Selling our house in Bountiful was he STUPIDEST thing we've ever done (hindsight 20/20) from a financial standpoint. Moving back to Bountiful after 2 ½ years in Riverton to the condo, we had no idea where we would be today, 2 years later, with the housing market. Home prices and interest rates have gone up so much that we'll be hard pressed to be able to afford another house in our neighborhood, even with the equity we have in the condo.
- The condo has served it's purpose. We needed to downsize, to get Maddie off to school, to lower our mortgage payment, etc. etc. I have an intense "want" to move back into a house so I have a garden and yard to work in. I know, I know. I can work in yours! People say that to me all the time. It's not the same, friends! I need my own space, where I can create beauty and do my plant therapy. I honestly think it will help me get through hard times ahead. If I'm going to croak (as my Mom would say), I'm going to do it on my terms, in MY garden!
When I left group, I didn't feel uplifted like I normally do because these things were swirling through my mind. I kind of wished we had talked about the hard stuff at the beginning and ended with something else. I went straight to Diane's for my monthly magical massage, but had a really hard time relaxing because of the intense frustration over where we're at right now (financially) and what I want so bad and feeling that it's not possible. I don't want to start a 30 year mortgage at almost 50 (not me, Mat!) because that's what we can afford on Mat's income. Oh how I wish I had some way to help our budget more!!!
Blahhh! OK, on to the rest. Last night Mat did his last big concert of the year. It was amazing, as always! After every concert, I say "I don't know what you're so worried about!" because he often feels inadequate and overwhelmed. He hadn't eaten dinner yet, and we hadn't either, so at 9:30 we head into ChickfilA in South Jordan. When I walked in the door, I immediately saw a woman who looked just like me. I pointed to her and asked if she was going through what I was going through. Turns out, she's going through exactly what I'm going through! And we have the same oncologist! I stood there for 20-25 minutes and talked to this very nice stranger who was recently inducted into this "club" that no one wants to be a part of. But once you're in it, you have an instant connection to those in similar circumstances. This is Andrea, my newest cancer friend. 💕 As I was talking to Andrea, I glanced over and saw the Osborns sitting at a table not far away. They lived across the street from us in Riverton, we're game night buddies. We sat and talked until they kicked us out, well after closing time. The day ended well, despite feeling overwhelmed about other things. I know this housing thing will turn out OK. I don't know how or when, but it will.
No comments:
Post a Comment