Surrender

I have no energy today.  I was up most of the night itching and scratching.  I made it to Sacrament but went home after that and went back to bed.  We were asked to speak in Sacrament next week.  That'll be fun!  Hopefully I can 1) get there on time, and 2) speak coherently.  

The thought of preparing Thanksgiving dinner this week overwhelms me.  This is my first time preparing this meal!  We're having ham, au gratin potatoes, rolls, green bean casserole, and pies (all of which I can cook in a crockpot or purchase).   My disabled friend, Michelle asked if she could spend the day with us.  I won't let her sit in her assisted living place with no family.  She'll be with us for dinner.  I'll do a little bit each day to prepare and should be OK.  It will also help that by Tuesday night, I will have a fully functional kitchen!

I don't do a lot of decorations for any holiday.  But my Christmas tree makes me happy!  My friend, Sharla, learned how to decorate them at Temple Square when I did.  She's coming to help me decorate it next week.  Can't wait!

This year, our tree will be a "winter" tree with blues, white, and a splash of red.
This was our tree last year.  This was patterned after one we did at
Temple Square.  I love the reds, browns, and golds together! 

The truth is, I have SO MANY people who are willing to help me with whatever I need!  That is such a blessing to me and our family.  Everything overwhelms me, I just don't have the energy to start or work through projects around here.  I considered teaching my Christmas tree class again.  It just seemed too much to pull it off.

I (we) have received a lot of love and support since my last post.  I'm grateful to have so many people concerned for our boy.  We'll get through this!  I don't know how yet, but our prayers (and yours!) are being heard and answered.  We'll find answers and solutions in time.  It's hard to know what to do, how involved do we get? My little brother advised me today to calm down, because he will too.  I still want to drag him in to rehab tomorrow, but I don't think that is the right thing to do either.  We need to make our home a safe place to fall if he ever needs it.  The only way it will be a safe place is if he really knows we love him.

Friends, if any of you happen to cross paths with Isaac, the WRONG thing to do would be lecture, judge, or belittle him.  The best thing to do would be to show him/tell him you care about him and LOVE  HIM UNCONDITIONALLY.  Don't let on that you know anything because that will tick him off.  He likes his privacy, even though he's posted stuff all over social media.  In reality, he has NO privacy.  He just doesn't want his parents/family to know what he's doing.  So, be patient with all of us.  I've carried a little dark rain cloud over my head for weeks.  I'm trying to improve, we're trying to work with and remember the girls needs, and we're trying to keep our (me and Mat) relationship strong as well.  It's a hard time, but by learning to put our trust in God, we will get through this.

I had a long talk last night with an awesome friend who had two sons do some of what Isaac is doing.  It was bleak for a few years, but in time she learned to "surrender," to turn her boys over to Christ and the Atonement, trusting that he would take care of them because they were His first.  She found some peace knowing that she didn't have to carry the burden by herself.  I forget that sometimes and try to carry it all on my own.  I'm a problem solver, I just want to "fix" it.  Sometimes, trusting in God is the better answer.

Nerves

Just a little update because it's late.  A week or two ago I sensed what felt like a sliver in the seat of my pants.  That's conceivable.  I do spend a lot of time outside doing stuff.  The last few days and nights I've realized that it is my nerves, the itch is spreading down my left leg.  The give-away was when I spent an entire night (at least it felt like it) moving my left scratching hand from my right arm to my left hip and back.  Again and again and again.  That's a little overwhelming, especially as it's getting more and more present during the day when I can usually distract myself from the itch by staying busy.  Why people.  WHY!?!

What do you do when you find yourself in a situation with a child close to you that is screwing up his life so bad, and you just want to throttle said child?  He got "randomly" chosen for a drug test at school yesterday.  We told him last night that we requested it, it wasn't random.  He was ticked!  Tonight the one Safari page he had open on his phone was research for "Molly."  a.k.a. Ecstasy.

Now, he doesn't listen to what we say to his face, so I'm not too worried he'd make the effort to find my blog, which is why I'm sharing this.  Why do we have to have these conversations?  Is there a residential drug treatment program where he can go until he's 23?  I'd be happy to pick him up on his 23rd birthday.  Do you remember when I wrote about the Shoshone Shaman?  One of the things he told me when we were speaking privately was that we needed to get him away from his friends.  I couldn't agree more, but to where? with what resources?  How much do we try to intervene when he couldn't care less about what we say or what he's doing?  How would we pay for a program anyway?  It would bankrupt us.  I pray every night that someone will come into his life at some point that can help him snap out of it and get his act together.  He has so much going for him.  He could be anything he wanted to be.  He's SO smart.  Instead of channeling his gifts and talents into a successful future, he's throwing it all away.  Why can't he see it?  Why is it so easy for him to justify the drugs - he can prove scientifically that they won't hurt him.  REALLY?!?

Tie the knot and hold on, Mama.

What NOT To Say

The past couple weeks I've been binging on Poldark (Masterpiece PBS).  I watched all four seasons, sometimes 2 or 3 episodes a day because it's intense!  I'm not ashamed, I loved it!  It was a great diversion from the chaos and stress we've been living with.  Season 5 doesn't come out for another year, so I may have to watch them all next summer so I remember what happened.

I stained our kitchen countertop today.  There's one piece that is a titch too long and needs to be cut one more time,  but it looks amazing!  Too long is better than too short, am I right?  A couple of years ago my friend called me from IKEA and told me that they had their solid birch butcher block slabs for $25 (normally over $150).  I got down there as fast as I could and bought 4, knowing that eventually we'd remodel the condo kitchen.  Since we never did that, we used them in our kitchen here.  We literally had less than 2 inches of waste, just barely enough to get it all covered.  I used gel stain which was super easy.  After getting that end piece cut and in place, we'll seal the surface, call the plumber to hook up the dishwasher, the fridge and the sink, assemble drawers and put all the doors on.  It's such a relief to be so close to a finished project!  More pictures to come!  Or maybe we should just have a big party here and y'all can just see it in person.  😁

Brooklyn thinks we should either move the piano to her room,
or get another one and move this piano to her room.  Um, no.
I'm very proud of her!  She's been learning the piano on her
own.  She can play all of the simplified hymns and has picked
up The Feather Theme from Forrest Gump too.  This girl needs
more music!  We sure love her!

Our resident termites.  We found them when we tore the work bench
out of the garage. It appears they only got to the one stud, although the
whole house was treated.  They are dead now and we are putting the garage back together.  

I have talked several times about my great friend Sharla on here.  She's a great friend and I love her and her family to pieces!  Her daughter, Kenzi, was diagnosed with a rare form of Sarcoma a couple years ago.  My heart just ached for them, Kenzi was only 24 when she was diagnosed stage 4 because it had spread to her lungs.  After I was diagnosed last year, Kenzi became a great support to me, answering questions and helping me realize that I didn't have to let cancer dictate how I lived.  Kenzi passed 9 days ago.  I knew her time was getting close so I stopped by to see Sharla and her family.  Her husband, Mikayel, came and embraced me.  I said "how are you?" and immediately realized the stupidity in my question.  His wife lay in the next room, hooked up to oxygen, unconscious, living what turned out to be her last day on earth.  HOW SHOULD HE BE?!!  A better statement would have been, "I'm so sorry."  Or "We love you guys."  Or "We've been praying everyday for your peace."  In situations like this, it should be obvious how family members are.  But I asked the one thing that was obvious and felt so bad for saying it.

Kenzi got exactly the Life Celebration she wanted.  It was a potluck dinner held in a reception center. They had a lot of tables set up for guests to sit around and talk, with music playing in the background and a slide show of her amazing life on the big screen.  My friend Gidget designed and assembled beautiful floral centerpieces for the food tables and the guest tables.  And there was a lot of food, all brought by the guests in attendance.  It was quite informal, people (including her parents) in jeans and mingling.  

Friends, this is EXACTLY what I want to!  I want people to see me before I go, not after! If you care about me, come visit and tell me.  I don't want to be "viewed" (except my immediate family and a some close friends who won't talk about how my embalmed self looks).  I want a party, I love potlucks!  I want people to remember they were happy to know me!  I'd love those happy memories written down or recorded for my kids and Mat to have something special.  Then let's just do a graveside service instead of a long funeral with musical numbers.  There's nothing wrong with funerals with musical numbers.  But it's not how I personally want to go out.  I've made my wishes known to Mat and others.  This isn't a statement of my impending doom, just a statement of my greatest wishes in regards to what I want my exit to look like.