Wrapping up 2020 - gladly!

I'll start with Christmas and the activities before it.  My focus in the week or two before Christmas was doing the "Secret Santa" project that Mat made possible on my birthday. He had saved $100 a month from our already tight budget (my birthday is in August), and gave me a birthday card with 8 crisp hundred dollar bills in it - with the caveat that I use it to bless people around Christmas.  I am very inspired by those Secret Santa videos where Santas go out anonymously and hand out hundred dollar bills to unsuspecting, random people.  I am also very aware of the needs at the food bank this year, the need has gone up 300% due to Covid. I found out what the Bountiful Food Bank was in desperate need of, then went shopping and bought a whole bunch of supplies and specific food items for them.  Then I went out with my sister and did the secret santa thing at a couple of locations.  That was SUPER COOL! The only picture I got related to it was my sister giving money to a woman sitting at a bus stop in a snow storm. I hope she's OK I posted her picture, can't really see her or the lady, but that was awesome!  One lady I gave $ to said that she was OK, she didn't need it. I told her it was for her, but if she wanted to pay it forward, that was totally great.  I had 2 bills left after me and my sister went, so I took Mat with me to give those out.  He was nervous about what to say and how to do it, which is funny coming from a teacher who has worked with thousands of kids he didn't know at first!  I think we're starting a new tradition! 

Christmas at our house was great!  Isaac came and we had a great lunch, then opened presents.  We have a tradition of the kids buying presents for each other from Dollar Tree.  It's always hilarious to see what they pick out for each other!  We don't go crazy, but everyone was happy.  Maddie bought pajamas at Petco for all the kids and Pyper, they were all going to match, but we held off too long and did the best we could with what they had. Pyper did NOT dig her pj's!  She tolerated it long enough for the picture.

Carley and Cricket

It's been really nice spending time with Jeanne (Mats sister) and fam, and his Dad.  He was very happy to see us and it's been great to spend time with him and go on walks with him.  Yesterday, the kids went with them to a "U-Pick" citrus farm, so we're bringing home 2 big bags of oranges, a few lemons and some grapefruit - picked yesterday!  While they did that, Mat and I drove to Sierra Vista to visit my cousin who was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer, after already having MS and a seizure disorder.  She has many worries and stresses and I was glad to be able to talk to her for a couple of hours.  We talked about ways she can "fill her bucket", what she can do to make sure she's taking care of her emotional / spiritual needs. One thing she loves to do is visit her friends horses, so I told her to do that - everyday if she needs to!  Unfortunately, we forgot to get a picture together, but she did send me pictures of her with her favorite horse she saw later in the day.  I was super happy to see that!

Having 2020 in the rear view mirror makes me happy!  I know we're not done with COVID yet, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  It's really been one of the toughest times in my life, so much change, uncertainty, "fake news" and isolation.  In some ways it's been a real eye opener, made me see where progress needs to be made, how there's a real need for spiritual and physical preparation because the future is so uncertain.  If at least 80% of my friends could please get the vaccine, I'd be forever grateful!

2020 - the year that lasted 10

When I think back to the beginning of this year, it seems like it was so long ago.  It seems impossible that it was a short 10 months ago when the world turned upside down, all at once!  I've struggled with isolation, online school, the cancellation of everything I felt I needed to stay sane, church, mingling, seeing friends who live "way up" on the other side of the ward, seeing friends in general, depression and anxiety, fear, paranoia, a TP shortage, election drama - throw in an earthquake and hurricane force winds for good measure.  Did I remember everything?  Geez.  I've been a bit obsessive this year about buying TP and hand sanitizer. When I found gallon sized hand sanitizer at Costco for 10 bucks, I decided I'm probably good for now!

I don't know who took this picture, but its a beauty!

In September I passed my 3 year anniversary of stage 4 diagnosis. Three years?!?  How is it possible.  It's been so hard, there have been many sleepless nights and buckets of tears shed.  On a night recently as I pity partied, I had a thought come into my mind that was, "Focus on living, Kim ... not dying." I was grateful to hear those words in that moment when I needed remember that having FAITH in my God, will drive away the fear of the unknown.  I have faith in my doctors and the teams of people at Huntsman that work everyday to do the very best they know to help us get through all aspects of the cancer experience. 

Good things have come out of cancer too.  Perspectives and priorities change, people come into your life that you desperately needed, my focus has changed to the people I love - there are a lot of you out there!  I'm so grateful for my people, my kids and Mat, and countless friends out there who have helped me in so many ways. 

As Christmas approaches, I want to spend more time playing Christmas songs really loud while I belt out the lyrics.  I want to get a few things organized, a few projects finished, a few people called.  We look forward with hope for the future.  We are blessed beyond measure.  Thank you for keeping tabs on us!  We love you!  

Chilly Alaska

I arrived home last night from Alaska.  It was an amazing, exhausting, very cold week! We crammed in as many activities as possible!  But it was so worth it in all the ways.

We spent a day in Anchorage doing Acts of Kindness around town.  The project I loved most was going in to laundromats and handing people baggies of quarters to help with their laundry.  I didn't realize how much a laundry is! What we gave them might have covered one load in one machine.  I guess the reason I liked doing that so much is because anyone who is doing their laundry at a laundromat has a roof over their heads, but they're probably just getting by with what little money they have and don't have the machines at home.   

Everyone asks if I saw the Northern Lights. I did!  It wasn't like I expected.  I've done a little reading today to find out why the lights appeared white/gray as opposed to green. Here's a kindergarten explanation, why that happens.  

Very often, the lights will appear green and can be seen by the naked eye, especially the closer you are to the Arctic poles.  Fairbanks is in a great spot to see lights, but it's not uncommon to see them farther south when the conditions are right.   White-ish lights are a "weaker" version of the green (my guess?).  The more colorful the lights, the more energy there is with solar wind, solar flares, and all the other things that have to come together to make them colorful.  What we saw was more like the picture above.  The lights definitely moved around, morphing into crazy bands and shapes, "dancing" too.  A DSLR camera and long exposures would pick up the green and other colors, because they "see" better than we do.

We followed a FB page that allows people to post in real time where they see the lights. Tuesday we went to Poker Flats where we saw some lights, a great introduction for me.  Wednesday night, we went to Murphy Dome where the lights were on full display.  On top of the dome is a big clearing, so the lights were visible from horizon to horizon, above us and on both sides of us, continually morphing and moving, bands splitting or merging, sometimes "curtains" (vertical displays).  It was truly amazing.

We also went dog sledding.  The tour guide had run Iditarod three times (1000 MILES) and countless other dog races.  We went to his ranch where he keeps and trains the dogs. They are all husky mixes, and all 40 come from the same parents. Every musher uses their own commands to tell the dogs whether to turn right or left -  with all the dogs he trains.  It was a really fun experience, definitely not something that should be missed in the Alaska winter!

We stayed with the Christiansen's in Fairbanks, friends of Annette from working in the Anchorage Temple.  They are in the temple presidency so spend a lot of time in Anchorage -- except not at this moment, during the pandemic.  Workers from farther out will come to Anchorage for a week to do their shifts.  After a 3 week break, they come back to do another week.  There isn't a lot going on at the temple right now, as you know.  Presidency meetings are held over Zoom, occasionally there's a missionary going out or a sealing.  I'm told its beautiful inside, but small!  I'm grateful temples spread over  much of the world, making those blessing available for so many people.

I joked with Annette that next time I come to Alaska, it will be in the summer!  I have fulfilled all the Alaskan winter adventures I hoped to do in my life!

Our chicks are leaving the nest ...

I guess today's biggest news is that Isaac moved out today!  He's been talking about it for a while, I'm grateful he had the courage to jump and take on that responsibility!  He's living with a couple friends in a nice complex in Midvale, and he's happy!  He has a real estate license but knows he needs look for something more consistent after they're settled down there.  Maddie is also moving out!  She's moving to Provo the 1st of January.  She's going to UVU, studying Social Work. I'm super happy for both of them.

Mat has been working like crazy on our basement.  The downstairs bathroom and laundry were in the same room but there was so much wasted space!  They have now been separated into two smaller rooms. Of course, that meant moving drains, and that meant tearing concrete up and replacing the 50 year old cast iron pipe. We've had a plumber / construction guy here doing what we can't do ourselves. We had him do the framing, and will pay him to hang and mud the drywall, especially because we've done that before and we know what that's like! He'll tile the floor too. You know when you start a project and you open a can of worms that leads to other projects?  We also had to bring our electrical panel up to code, and make it bigger because the old one was maxed out. Mat has learned a lot about electrical (with a lot of help from youtube) and has hooked up lines to the new circuits in the new circuit board.  We're adding the capability for a washer and dryer upstairs and adding a kitchen downstairs because eventually we'll rent the basement.  Through this project we learned that our main sewer line runs the distance of the whole house (under concrete) and out the back of the house - and under our brand new landscaping and our 50 year old shade tree - the only shade tree we've ever had in a yard.  😯

I'm at 5 ½ weeks since radiation, and finally, there's some relief from the pain in my hip.  2020 has been a rough year, in so many ways!  Thank you for being patient with me and my grumpiness! Constant, persistent pain is SO EXHAUSTING physically, mentally, emotionally.  I really struggled to keep my spirit fed and "up" this year. 

This is our cute dog, Pyper. She loves tolay on clothes and towels and
blankets, but only after she has arranged them to her satisfaction!

I've been a wreck this week, anticipating the outcome of the election.  I'm not going to lie.  I was completely relieved this morning when my youngest came and woke me up to told me the results.  I was a lifelong republican until Mr. Trump announced his candidacy.  I thought, "If he's a conservative, I don't belong here!"  Now, hear me: I don't hate you if you're a Trump supporter.  And I'm grateful for the right I have to not like him.  More than anything tonight, I'm grateful for the democracy we live in.  I'm grateful election laws were written in favor of the victor and the underdog (meaning that there are legal means to challenge the results if one chooses to).  I loved watching the national news coverage tonight, not riots but people coming together in the streets all over the country to celebrate the outcome.

Mats dad lived with us during the month of October.  He had been in assisted living until a fall sent him to the hospital.  He was fine, but NOT fine with going back to the facility to quarantine in his room!  We signed him up for hospice the day he arrived here.  Over the weeks he was here, he stabilized physically and mentally.  He got to where he would insist on doing our dishes and sweeping - anything he could do to feel useful.  So Mats siblings are rotating through, taking him a month or two at a time.  He has dementia, so some days he couldn't remember the name of his kids, most days he would ask me 5 or 6 times how old he was.  I'd tell him he was 87, and that he had had a really great life! Then we'd talk about his life for a while. He wondered why he has to stick around so long, when Betty got to go home (7 ½ years ago).  Gosh, if my math is right, they were married 56 years!  It really was a pleasure having him here, it was good for us and the kids.  I cooked dinner every single day except two.  

I'm looking forward to more progress on the basement, reclaiming my own mental health after a VERY tough year of isolation (social distancing), going to Alaska next week, thinking about goals - things I want to be better at, and pulling out my new pressure cooker and experimenting with food preservation in all forms!  If you want to be inspired, search "Homestead Heart" and watch her videos.  This lady is from Georgia and has a fun way of walking you through the steps of all things preserving.

Two to Four Weeks

If you know me well, you know that DI has been a staple for our family since its inception.  It kind of lost its charm this year when the pain in my hip started to get bad.  Who needs a pair of pants bad enough to stand and sort through hundreds of pairs and maybe find one or two?  Not with my pain!  Needless to say, anything I've purchase since January has been in the "stretchy legging" variety.

Today we went to DI, not for any particular reason, just because that's what we do when we're close to one!  I asked Mat if he'd go in and see if they had a wheelchair for customers to use.  They don't.  So I hobbled into the store slowly, we went straight to the Yard area, where things like wheelchairs would be found.  And there was one there! For $25.  I sat in it the rest of the time, through the registers, and out to the car.  I know it's a bit premature to be purchasing things like wheelchairs, but it saved my bacon today!  We'll have it if we need it.

I had radiation 3 weeks ago.  The radiologist said 2 to 4 weeks for pain relief in my hip.  I'm getting a tad impatient as I don't feel any real change in there.  Walking makes me cranky, the first 5 or 6 steps are killers!  Pray with me, friends, that some relief will come quickly!

California Dreamin'

We were supposed to fly to California tomorrow. I got super cheap tickets on JetBlue.  But Mat had this look on his face when I told him how much it would cost to stay there for 6 days? And rent a car for 6 days?  I canceled the flights.  I have flight credit now on Delta (for the Caribbean cruise that didn't happen in August) and JetBlue.  How is my head supposed to remember these details?

I'm bummed about not getting to Cali this week, but Mat and I are going camping closer to home.  When we were coming home from Bryce Canyon this summer, we drove highway 17 and saw some beautiful areas over that pass.  So that is where we are going, with the trailer in tow.  Heated mattresses and weighted blankets will be sufficient to get us through!  We've camped in colder temps than they are this week.  There are lava fields up there all over, and we're not too far Coral Sand Dunes State Park.  That will be cool to see!

I have a specific date in December I'm getting on ReserveCalifornia.org, to reserve our perfect campsite near Laguna Beach for next summer.  As soon as school gets out, we'll travel south to beachier environments.

 I'm kind of tired of feeling grumpy. I got radiation about 10 days ago, and I know that I'm not yet in that "2-4 weeks" for feeling less/no pain after radiation. But I am so impatient!  A couple weeks ago, I was getting up off the floor and twisted funny and heard/felt a pop. I've thought all along that I just pulled a muscle or something dumb. But I've had 2 massages since, and I'm still in a lot of pain.  It occurred to me this morning that I very well could have broken a rib, instead of pulled a muscle.  I considered going for an x-ray today but didn't make it.  I'll probably do that tomorrow, just to rule it out or confirm it.

Today I went to the grocery store, and because I was already in so much pain, I got one of the electric carts and motored around the store.  Even that hurts though, and I was anxious to get out of there. In backing up to change my course, the corner of the cart bumped one of those aisle end cardboard displays. It toppled face down to the floor and the product went everywhere.  I looked in both directions hoping to see someone that could help me.  Oddly, there was no one on that back isle of Dicks, so I hobbled off my cart and tried (failed) to pick it up the display and start replacing product.  Luckily, a Mom with 2 small boys saw me and came to help.  I drove off feeling grateful and foolish at the same time.

We have Mats Dad Don living with us full time.  I never got to be a caretaker for my parents, so this is new to me!  I'm here with him everyday, and I do my best to meet his needs.  He wants me to check in with him constantly, when I do he gasps and kind of raises up like I'm a grizzly or something scary. Then he sighs and thanks me for coming to check on him.  He moved in a week ago yesterday, though it feels longer than that!  We got him signed up for hospice, so we've been learning all week which staff takes care of what. He has a shower aide that comes 3 times a week, and a nurse that will come once a week to check his vitals. Respite care is available to us through Medicare and I fully intend to take advantage of that!  They brought us all kinds of medical equipment and supplies, delivered the prescriptions he needed, and we met the social worker and the chaplain.

My "go to" fixer of
everything hard

Wednesday (or yesterday??) I was having a meltdown because I hurt so bad. Every movement causes pain in my hip and my ribs.  We have a sweet sister in the ward who moved in a few months ago.  Turns out she is a former Evergreen JH student who had Mat for choir!  When she found out about radiation, she said she would bring dinner over that night. When she left, she said "You let me know when you need something! I mean it!" So yesterday, I was hurting so much.  I picked up my phone and almost texted the RS president, but then I heard Sarah say in my head, "I mean it!" She happily accepted the dinner assignment, then asked if I'd had lunch. I said, "Does ice cream count?" So she also stopped at Kneaders and got me soup and bread for lunch, so both me and Don had lunch.  She told me that when she was in high school, her Mom was really sick.  She was so impressed with the people who came in to help her that she vowed to do the same when she had the opportunity.  

One of the challenges we're facing with a new house mate is our two dogs.  Our friend (where we met Bentley) said her family would take Bentley until we figured out a few things.  Problem is, her dog Gracie (Bentley's Mom), is IN HEAT right now!  So it's been a bit of a disaster for them.  We knew we couldn't have 2 dogs with Grandpa here, and decided the little dog would do better with him.  So we have Pyper, who is remarkably CALM without Bentley here.  She still barks occasionally, but is sweet and calm most of the time.  What I don't understand at all is why she's still peeing on our carpet!?  Never the hard floors, just the new carpet.  Because I've been so distracted with full time caregiving, I don't pay attention to her cues.  I'm just tired!  I know it's a human problem, not a puppy problem.  I sent an email to the dog trainer we've gone to, she gave me some ideas and I've been researching on youtube. YIKES! 

So now, we look to re-home Bentley.  😭  It's not the way it was supposed to go!  But Don has worked out in his head that he doesn't ever want to leave our house, at least not until they drive him away in a hearse. So if anyone is interested in a nearly perfect Golden Doodle, please let me know!  We love him, we'll MISS him!  But Grandpa can't handle him.

 

I'm trying ...

Man, it's been a rough road lately.  I met with Radiology a week ago and had an MRI on my hip Thursday afternoon.  The doctor said they'll only zap me once.  It must be effective if I only have to do it once! 

The MRI got pictures of the exact location of the cancer, which will give them the information they need to make a mold for my body.  I'll also get a few small tattooed dots of where the lasers will point.  They are confident that with radiation in the bone in this spot, no damage will occur to anything around it, my bladder and all parts related to that. That's comforting (said with a tinge of sarcasm).  These are not the stories I hear from friends!

I hope I will be scheduled to start the radiation process this week, they'll be hearing from me on Tuesday if they don't call me tomorrow. There are times when I do too much and I hurt so bad.  Yesterday was one of those.  My doctor prescribed Tramadol, which is a low dose narcotic for pain.  I've been so hesitant to take anything like that.  I just want to be able to take Ibuprofen or Naproxen!  That's what works for me, but my only option is Tylenol because it's the only one that doesn't thin the blood.  It's been 9 months since I had the pulmonary embolism, and I'm not sure how long I have to take Eliquis to prevent clots. If I didn't need Eliquis, I could take Ibuprofen or Naproxen.  Cancer is hard.  So hard.

I'm feeling more confident about traveling, which is a scary thing to say!  Mat and I are going to SoCal over his fall break.  I found super cheap airline tickets and couldn't resist!  All I want to do is sit on the beach and watch the waves come in. We'll go to Walmart when we get there to get beach chairs.  Of course, we'll wear masks, keep sanitizer with us always and be so careful.  We'll also visit my Aunt Carol, my Moms sister, and maybe some cousins if it all works out.  I'm grateful to have that to look forward to -- I'm SO SICK of isolation, loneliness, being paranoid about contact with the outside world. I want to eat amazing food at beachside restaurants, I want to ignore phones and talk about hard stuff with Mat. We can still laugh through hard conversations.

In November I'm going to see my friend Annette in Alaska. I can't wait to see what kind of adventures we'll get to there!  I'd love to see the northern lights (last time I went they hid behind clouds all but one night).  Everything is a jumble in my brain, but I think that was Feb. 2019. 

I still have lots of places on my bucket list: England/Ireland/Scotland, Kauai Hawaii, Sequoia and Yosemite NP, back to Lake Tahoe, San Fran, and up the coast to Oregon and Washington.  I want to go to Glacier NP and Banff and Moraine lakes up in Canada, I want to see the trees in Maine when they change to fall color (and go to Acadia NP).  I think that covers it!  😁

Most importantly, I need to keep working on my list of people to visit in the near future!  It's a long list. If you feel I'm taking too long to come see you, come see me!  I have to work everything I do around what they tell me I need to do at Huntsman.

Can't shake it!

I have been "down" since getting solid results about progression in my bones.  I try to keep those moments to myself and don't let my family see it too much, but it's obvious.  I do that mainly for McKinley who struggles every day with the thought of losing me.

I started her with a counselor that I'm really excited about.  She a little older, has loads of experience, does a lot of play therapy.  She gave McKinley a homework assignment to do this week.  She said, "Could you draw me a picture of what anxiety looks like to you?"  This is what she drew:

What in the heck do I do with that! We have another appointment on Monday, I'm very interested to find out what is in that envelope.

I saw Annie (acupuncture) on Friday.  She's so great!  It was one of those sessions when I wished I had started recording when she walked in the room. She talked about how every person in the family will, in one way or another, have to figure out how to process what's happening. I don't know what my role in that is ... I have an appointment with the other Annie on Wednesday.  

Friday I'll get more information about the changes to treatment, especially radiation to my hip.  I've been told by several people that they'll zap it good four or five times and it should help a ton with the pain, and the difficulty I have walking. and sitting. and doing stairs. and getting up from gardening. I should also start to have more energy as the study drug works its was out of my system.

I have a virtual visit with an exercise physiologist on Wednesday, I'm interested to see what kind of exercise I can do with the limitations I have now.  Don't take a body that works for granted friends!  It really sucks when all of that changes.

pt. 2

Today has been rough!  I woke up feeling pretty *blah* over the events of this week.  What I did to try to bring myself UP again was turn on a MoTab playlist on the TV.  When I came across "Peace like a River" or "It is Well with my Soul" (not sure which is the title) I put it on repeat and turned up the volume so loud that my kids even asked me to turn it down! 

At the same time, I was trying to figure out Apple Music on my laptop. When we signed up, my playlists went wonky and everything from MoTab disappeared (probably because they were all burned from CD's and not downloaded).  A thought about my friend Nancy crossed my mind, so I checked FB and saw that she died a couple days ago.  Instantly the sadness came and tears flowed, and McKinley wondered what in the heck happened to me!  I told her it was OK, that one of my friends died (her kids went to Kesem too, so McKinley knows her kids).  That sweet girl did the only thing she knew how to do.  She went to the fridge and poured me a cup of root beer and brought it to me.  I apologized and reassured her again that I would be OK and thanked her for her thoughtfulness.

I hope she wasn't too traumatized by it, and I hope she learned a couple things from it!

• I hope she learned that it is OK to cry when you're sad.  
• I hope she learned that hard things happen to good people.  It's not your fault, it's not God punishing you, you didn't do anything to cause the hard things in your life.  Hard things are what we were promised in this life, they refine us and make us better people!
• I hope she never forgets that when someone is in need, it only takes a small thing to make things better (root beer!)
• I hope she learns and understands that we are Christs hands on earth, and people all around need us to answer the prayers that God hears.

I have been so bummed about the people in our ward over 65 who were invited to NOT come to church. These are the people we try to remember on Sunday afternoons.  I had pumpkin puree in the freezer that needed to be used, so today we (Brooklyn and Maddie) made pumpkin bread and we delivered it to 4 homes of dear friends over 70+ in the neighborhood.  Brooklyn and McKinley came with us, I was so glad to have them see the gratitude they shared.  In one case, the couple stood about 10 feet away from me while we chatted, and I left the bread on their coffee table.  That is the era we live in!  One of my favorite friends in the neighborhood is 94 ½.  I used to help her in her yard, she still has someone come plant her geraniums.

I think the best thing we can do when we feel crappy is look outside of ourselves. That can be hard when you feel crappy!  Who around me has problems bigger than mine? Some days it's easier to curl up in a ball and sleep all day.  I didn't get out of bed until almost noon today.  It's been a tough week!

The coolest thing that happened this week is that Mat finished the fountain he got me for my birthday.  I need to go get more rocks to put around it, but it turned out AWESOME! The other great thing is that we're redoing our bathroom / laundry room downstairs.  Our plumber got everything ripped out and a plan drawn on the floor.  Completion is far away, but progress is being made.  That makes me happy!

Kids are at school half time and happy to be back!  Mat's district is 4 days on, Fridays off for online stuff. It works out perfect for Mat because he can do small group rehearsals and such on Fridays as well.  

Scan Results

I'm exhausted physically and emotionally tonight, so this won't be long.

This has been a difficult week for me.  I always have a little panic attack when I know scans are coming up.  My worry has been compounded by the pain I feel in my hip constantly.  I knew the news coming out of the scans probably wouldn't be encouraging.  I'd would call it "neutral" news.  There is progression now, but I had a long run since diagnosis feeling great with no evidence of disease.  Chemo did its job, I am grateful for that!

I was at Huntsman most of the day on Wednesday.  I had my echo at 8:00 then got my port accessed for the injection of the bone scan tracer.  The bone scan takes about 40 minutes.  You have to lay perfectly still, so after you're on the table they take huge velcro straps and cross them over and attach them so you can't move.  There were several places in my body that the tracer lit up.  My left foot (from the break a few weeks ago) and the big toe I broke early in the summer lit up. The most prominent places were my left hip and now femur (new), as well as ribs on the left and right sides (new).  "... lesions suspicious for progression of osteoblastic osseous metastatic disease ... " isn't what I hoped for.

The CT scans showed no signs of visible cancer anywhere else in my body, but there are existing lesions in my lungs that they watch from scan to scan.  While I was at Huntsman waiting around for things, I saw a friend from group who has declined quite a bit since I saw her in February.  She was in a wheelchair and had oxygen running - not positive signs!  Then I got on FB and saw that another friend from group has just gone on hospice and isn't expected to last very long.  I had lunch with her a couple of months ago.  These are both Moms who are younger than me, and have kids at home.  It was a bummer day.  Losing friends is so hard!

When Dr. Buys came in to see me today, she always points out the positive first, that she was very pleased with how well the study drug worked for me, and that the other drugs have kept the cancer in my liver from growing.  And then we talked about the progression in my bones and how to deal with it.  With progression, I don't qualify for the study drug anymore.  I'll stay on Herceptin but on a 4 week cycle (instead of every 3 weeks) with a slightly higher dose.  We'll assess in 3 months whether to add Perjeta back in to the mix, depending on the results of my next scans.  She's changing the bone strengthener drug to a different one, keeping me on the hormone shots for now, and she'll start me on radiation in my hip.  She said she felt confident that going off the study drug should bring my energy back up and I'll feel better. Here's to hoping that's true!

I'm exhausted and need to sleep, but just wanted to get an update out there.  Please pray for us.  This turn in events is one I hoped would never come, but here we are.  McKinley, in particular, could use some prayers!  She starts with a new counselor next week because I still can't take her to Huntsman to see Annie.  This is where things get progressively MORE hard for me and the family.  I don't know what that means as far as time frame, but I've seen this scenario replayed more times than I care to think about.

How am I?

 For my birthday, I told Mat all I wanted to do was go see the friends I don't see very often!  I have a long way to go still, but today I saw one of my favorite mission companions, Wanda (Rhoades) Murphy.  She lives in Tridell (a little bit east of Vernal and Roosevelt).  I haven't seen her in a couple years, at least! 

She was seriously the BEST mission companion anyone could ask for.  We got along so well, we made everything fun, and laughed a lot together!  There are so many funny photos I could post, but that would only be interesting to a small number of people, so I refrain.  😂  She made a yummy lunch for us, along with a fantastic cake for dessert.  We caught each other up on our families and what's happening in our lives.  It was a great time!  On my 3 hour drive home, I was thinking about my mission, and how I felt at that time I could conquer the world.  Oh, and I tried!  It was the scariest, bravest, best thing I had done to that point in my life.  I learned that great, worthwhile, life-changing things don't come without hardship and disappointment.  I loved (most of) my companions, I loved the German people, their food (with the exception of pickled herring, and stollen - Christmas fruit cake) and learning to speak their language. 

This was a nightly ritual for us ... how we let
loose after a long day of tracting or street contacting.

Oh, that big hair from the 90's! I hope
that's a trend that never comes back.

And then I thought about how much has changed in 30 years. I thought about the great things that have happened, and the hard things.  Everyone wants to know how I'm doing, I always say "I'm gooood?" kind of with a question mark.  My life isn't simple and straightforward.  Some days really suck.  Most days are just OK, some days I feel upbeat and positive. Some days I resent being handed this trial. Some days I'm angry that my kids and Mat have to navigate and process this too. Some days chemo fatigue sets in. I just want to remember what feeling "normal" felt like.  So, when you ask me how I am, know that it's a loaded question with an answer that changes from hour to hour.

In a strange, twisted way, I'm grateful for cancer because I've learned so much and gained (and lost) so many friends I wouldn't have known otherwise.  I've learned volumes from those who navigate the same hardships I do everyday, and from those who were taken too soon, about living with grace and gratitude. Love your people.  Don't take anything for granted.  Be grateful for every day because what you have today may not still be around tomorrow.  I have the best possible team at Huntsman working to keep me alive and sane for as long as possible.  I can't ask more than that.

My Life Really IS Amazing!

 I haven't written for a long time. We've tried to cram in as much fun as possible.  Since I wrote the last time, we went to Lake Powell with our friends.  Here's a few pictures. 

Mat took this picture the morning after we got there.  We
anchored in a cave for the night, the water in the morning is
smooth as glass which makes picture taking perfect!

This really was a dream come true for me.  From what
 I'd been told about Lake Powell, I knew it would be
beautiful and amazing!  But I didn't know it would be like this!
I've never in my life done anything like it!

Us with the Barkers and the Inkleys at Rainbow Bridge

Does it get more dreamy than this?

I told Mat all I wanted for my birthday was to visit friends I don't see often (which is pretty much ALL of them right now!)  He wanted to throw me a big party, make a big deal of it. I did just turn 50, but Nah, I just need my people.  So my goal is to visit as many friends as I can in the next few weeks and months. 

Last week, I took an impromptu trip up to Washington to see my friend Belinda and her daughter Sophie.  I took McKinley with me because our girls are buddies. We met the Howes family when we went to Sedona, AZ for a retreat with Little Pink Houses of Hope where we all became instant friends. She was house / animal sitting in her friends cabin in Cusick, Washington for a friend of hers.  The cabin was beautiful, the kids were happy feeding the mama pig and 9 piglets, jumping on the trampoline and riding around the property on a go-cart. Me and Belinda sat around for hours at a time on the porch, watching the hummingbird frenzy at the feeders, and talking about everything under the sun. 

Belinda insisted on attaching my kayak to hers so
she could drag me the last stretch.  I protested, 
because "I'm fine!"  She said, "Kim, are you going 
to be a blessing killer?"  Well, if you put it that way,
Belinda!  She paddled me all the way to the take out.

After I left Belinda, I stopped in Coeur d' Alene to see my two cousins, Ruth
and Catherine. I haven't seen them in years, so that was a great thing!  One
of Ruths daughters, Miriam, liked me immediately and didn't want me to leave.
She's so sweet!  Ruth gave a jar of huckleberries to share with my family. YUM!

Mat told me after I got home Saturday that he had one more present for me, he'd been planning it for 8 months. I thought, "Oh dang.  He has planned a big party!" Well, I found an envelope tonight with the sweetest card and message.

How dang cool is my guy?!  It's not what I expected at all, but I'm thrilled to have a little stash that I can hand out to people in need at Christmas!!!  I've always wanted to be a Secret Santa!  The funny thing is, I was doing the same thing.  Starting in January, I thought it would be cool if I could save $100 a month from our grocery budget and surprise him in December with at least $1000 to go toward Christmas.  But then we had a bad grocery month early in the year, so I used it to bail out the budget. HE WAS DOING THE SAME THING ALL ALONG!  Seriously, this is the best birthday I've ever had.  💞

We may be done with long haul travel this year, but I have big plans for next year (assuming we're safe to travel)!  I kinda like this "make the most of the time you have left" thing. We've been able to do some amazing things with our family the last couple years! It's amazing what a little change in perspective can do for you. Friends, don't take one day for granted! Make sure your people know you love them!

Scans are next week, so look for that in the near future.  Love you all!

Meltdowns are OK, right?

I've written this post over 4 days, it's a little scattered!

Today (Sunday) was such a hard day for me.  I'm really struggling with a feeling of "lacking" so many things.  Covid has changed our world so much and I'm not optimistic about that changing anytime soon.  I can't stand the thought of not having church like we're used to, access to temples, those simple monthly activities that are optional but fill my bucket, the support services and having companions at Huntsman, the ability to move around freely and not having to worry about how close I am to someone.

Do you ever get annoyed because there are people around you NOT wearing a mask? or feel judged or looked down on because you forgot to bring it with you?  Or, the worst thing I've felt, is when people I know feel like they can't get physically close enough to talk to me or that our family is a danger somehow?  I have two consecutive thoughts running through my head all the time.  "Come on people! Take this seriously!" and "Relax people! We're good!"  Don't get me wrong, I want this to end as much as the next chick.  But there has to be balance, a safe place in the middle.  What if this goes on for another year or more? I can't go another year without most of the things that are important to me.

Moving on: I'm not sure what made me think of it recently, but on our 15th anniversary, Mat and I put together a list of where we wanted to be on our 30th anniversary.  That was 2009!  I asked him if he knew where it was, and said he'd look for it. It was written on a half sized legal pad with yellow paper.  Mat has been going through the stuff in the office to try to find it.  It would have been our style back then to type it up on the computer. In those days we used WordPerfect (remember that relic?) so he couldn't find it there.  But he did eventually find the paper we wrote it on!  I couldn't believe it, after all these years we still have it.

The first thing on the list is that we actually have a 30th anniversary.  I remember it was me that said it.  There was so much going on at the time, having another baby, remodeling in the house for said baby, budget struggles, managing 2 businesses, etc.  It was a really stressful time.  I think that's so ironic now, that "we make it to 30"!  That was just 4 months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer the first time.  We had no idea what would be happening in our lives at 30 years together. Look at where we are now.  Still being around for a 30th anniversary would make me super, super happy!

Some of the other things were on the list were getting the two older kids on and home from missions, having three kids in or through college, me in MoTab, having a tent trailer and a vehicle to pull it, then taking our kids on a cross country adventure to the east coast!  We both served missions in Europe, so taking our family there seemed important, we thought for sure we would have our house paid off by our 30th ... if you know us well, you know what we've been able to accomplish and what we haven't.  😁

The stack I hope to have when I play Secret Santa!

One other thing I have always wanted to be able to do is to be a Secret Santa.  If you search "Kansas City Secret Santa" on youtube, you'll find videos about the original Secret Santa, a successful businessman in the midwest.  He wanted to remain anonymous until he was close to the end of his life.  He would take large amounts of $100 bills from his fortune and bless people's live around Christmas.  Sometimes he would do the giving himself, he would find people at laundromats or thrift stores, or gas pumps or whatever.  Sometimes he would give a good chunk of money to the police force in a city, where police would drive around looking for people who they thought could use a little help.  I always loved the idea, kind of obsessed over it maybe! The only thing I'm missing is the $Benjamin Franklins$.  I WANT TO BE A SECRET SANTA at least once in my life, with a small stack of $100 bills at Christmas time.  That would make me the happiest person ever!

Our current camping is at the Spruces in big Cottonwood Canyon.  Before we left yesterday, we got a little wire fence up around my flowers in the back.  This is a new bed along the back fence.  We've worked so hard tearing out the junk that was there, redoing sprinklers, building a patio, fire pit and retaining wall.  We are two months behind schedule on the new fence on the south side - where the dogs will be allowed when outside.  In the meantime, they run through the dirt, trample the plants, and chew the stems off my new perennials and shrubs. I've threatened their longevity at our house more than once, especially the little one.  She's the one who chews perennials off right at the base of the stem, in addition to the buffet in the living room, and the banister at the top of the stairs ...  When I scold her, she looks at me with eyes that melt, and she licks my face all over.  When Bentley does something naughty, he won't look into my eyes, so I move his head until he has to look at me, then we have a quick, stern chat.  I love them and they make me crazy.

Last night (Monday) we had a long campfire and talked about everything under the sun, including politics!  Good thing we are all on the same page in 2020.  We have some going back and forth to Bountiful this week.  Mat is home right now (Tuesday) talking to the fence guys, making sure they tear out the "right" fence. Brooklyn has a doctor appointment on Thursday, I have chemo on Friday.  We're close enough that we can still do what needs to be done.  It's beautiful, the weather is perfect, everyone is happy!  So far this year we have camped at Palisade State Park, Bryce Canyon NP, Zion NP, and here at the Spruces. Spruces at night is pretty cold, we weren't prepared but made it work.

We've really fine-tuned this whole camping process.  After Mat forgot to bring the drill from home to Bryce Canyon (that's how we lift the trailer and put the stabilizers down), we just ran to Cedar City and bought one that can stay in the trailer all the time. We also bought a battery operated hand held vacuum, so when we're packing up the trailer to go home, everything is cleaned and stocked so we don't have to open it before we leave the next time.  

I'm figuring out how to arrange things so when we're cooking, things are laid out for accessibility.  I've determined that it would make my life easier if I cook the food before we go, put it in glass jars and have it ready.  Then we just warm it up when we eat. I'm not ruling out 2 or 3 more campouts/road trips before the year is over!  I would love to get to Glacier NP and Banff in Canada this year, we'll see what else we can fit in. 

Tonight (Tuesday) McKinley was having a meltdown over something silly.  She stomped off to the trailer in tears.  Mat went to talk to her, and then sent me in to talk to her. What it boiled down to is that she is terrified about what is going to happen to me.  She said, with tears streaming down her face, "Can they make it go away?"  At first I thought she was talking about the virus ... then I realized it was about me.  How do I answer that question?  All I could say is that my team is doing everything they can to help me live as long as possible.  I told her the reason we do so much camping and traveling is because we want to make as many memories as we can.  I couldn't tell her the truth.  

I took her to see her pediatrician last week so we could set up counseling with a social worker in her office. When Dr. G asked her what her worries were, she said something about the way life is now (virus, quarantine, etc.) and "six feet under."  Those are the words she uses to refer to my cancer and dying.  I've heard her say that a couple times before but didn't put it together until we were sitting with the doctor.  I honestly have no words.  I need to get myself back to see the two Annies at Huntsman. Why does life have to be so hard?

Today (Wednesday) Mat took us on a geographical information drive up Big Cottonwood Canyon.  We stopped and looked at all the information markers along the way, and would ask us questions like "is this a glacier canyon or a river canyon?"  He took us on a short riverside walk to a cave that goes back about 50 feet.  I didn't have to get too far in before I worried about slipping on the wet rocks.  I'm so paranoid about falling and breaking a hip or worse.  We walked around the Silver Lake trail near Brighton ski resort.  Silver Lake is beautiful! I don't have a recollection of ever being there before.  How did I miss this in my life? Mat grew up skiing both canyons so he knows all the cool places.  He's a perfect tour guide and teacher to rocks!

I found this bug crawling on my leg while I was reading today. When I looked
down and saw him, I screamed and danced around and made such a scene to
get him off! With antennas and all? About the size of a golf ball.

Raw. Honest.

Right now I have my youngest in bed with me (Tuesday night).  She has so much anxiety built up in her soul.  School closures, earthquakes, pandemics, riots, my terminal cancer ... It's all more that she can manage.  Honestly, it's more than I can manage!!!  I've been saying for a couple weeks that I would call the pediatrician and get her into a therapist there. I never did it and I feel horrible. She hasn't been able to sleep good for a while now.  Her birthday is on Thursday, we're leaving to go camping that day.  So tomorrow night we're having the school friend party, we'll have the party for neighborhood friends after we get back next week.

I am in constant pain.  It's funny, my ribs don't bother me at all, but my hip bothers me every minute of the day, it's really slowing me down and making it harder to accomplish the normal stuff that hasn't ever been a big deal.  It's super depressing, it's affecting everyone in the family.

We got back last night (it's late Sunday night now) from camping at Zion NP.  It was an amazing trip.  We spent 3 days there, roasting like the marshmallows we couldn't roast.  It was triple digits all week, so HOT being surrounded by those beautiful rock walls and formations knowing that you must be getting another 10 degrees reflection off the rock.  Fire danger is extremely high down there, so no fires or briquettes. Every night at 9:15 they do a presentation in the amphitheater.  The first night was the geology, how Grand Staircase happened over millions of years.  The second night was about light pollution, and where to go if you really want to see the stars!  The Virgin river ran by the campground, so the kids spent quite a bit of time there staying cool.  Mat is such a trooper.  Thankfully we have a propane stove in the trailer, so all the cooking was modified and cooked in the trailer.  I know Mat is feeling a different kind of pain than me.  He knows I'm in pain but feels helpless to know how to help.  He took on the brunt of the chores when camping, helped with the meals, planned out things to see and go on one hike, but no more when he saw how hard the first one was on me.

After making reservations at Zion early this year, I thought it would be cool to re-attempt what we tried to do 24 years ago.  We had only been married about 9 months and went to Zion as our "first camping experience" AND our "first vacation."  We wanted to hike to Angels Landing - there's something about hanging on to chains attached to the cliff so you don't fall to your death!  This is when I learned something about Mat that I hadn't known previous to that trip.  He's terrified of heights!  Or maybe it's just the heights that require some skill in walking along the edge of a cliff hanging onto chains.  In 1995, I wanted to go on without him, so I could say I had done it! But he pulled me back because he was freaking out about me going without him, even though I knew I would be fine!

Six months ago, I could have done these hikes, albeit quite a bit slower.  That has been the game plan all along.  We should try to get to at least Scout Lookout, if not all the way up Angels Landing.  I was confident I could do it, but not now with that pain in my hip.  The one hike we did go on was to the canyon overlook.  It takes "normal" people an hour to go round trip, it took us longer than that.  I was a little paranoid about losing my footing, going up and down.  It wouldn't take a very serious fall to break bones.

I'm taking McK to the pediatrician on Tuesday and already have the preauth from the insurance for the counselor she has in her practice.  So, we're in good shape beginning to help McKinley with so many hard things that she's going through right now.  She's moving to the neighborhood school, I don't even have her registered yet!  I picked up the packet earlier this year and then everything fell apart.

So, life rolls on for us.  We have one more camping trip in a couple of weeks, and a trip to Lake Powell the end of July.  The cruise Maddie and I were scheduled for in August was cancelled.   The thought of flying into Miami and cruising in international waters was kind of freaking me out, so I'm grateful, but bummed because it feels like our traveling options are so limited.  There's so many places we can't even go in the states because we live in Utah (with high Covid numbers).  It's bumming me out - I just want to travel and make memories with my family while I can!

Council of Dads

I knew I had to watch this show
because Tom Everett Scott also
starred in "That Thing You Do,"
one of our favorite movies!

I don't know if anyone else loves this show like I do.  It's about a family ... it's complicated.  Dad died from cancer in the first episode.  He proposed an idea to his wife as cancer got worse, about setting up a "Council of Dads," three of their friends who will help his family with stuff after he's gone. I love that concept, the council of Dads!  In the most recent episode, one of the daughters, an adopted daughter from China with a heart condition, needed surgery to fix something. While she was "out" she dreamed that her Dad came to her, and she realized after talking to him that it was OK to be true to who she really was.  There was a tender exchange between them before she woke up.  Now, I've had enough surgery in my life to know that there are no dreams going on during surgery, just blackness.  But it gave me hope I will have a similar influence on my family after I'm gone.  Long before I knew about this show, I had already put some thought into which one of my friends could help Mat and the kids with specific things they'll need as time goes on, a sort of "Council of Moms."  Our current joke is that McKinley totally got out of 5th grade maturation, so Maddie has agreed to take that on!  😂  But she'll probably hear from her parents too.

This weeks scans

I don't have a lot to say because I did all my venting in my last post, but here are the results of this weeks scans.

• No findings of metastatic disease in the abdomen or pelvis.  
• Sclerotic of the fourth rib and a few small pulmonary nodules are unchanged.  No new/growing pulmonary nodules or thoracic lesions are identified.
• Stable metastatic lesions involving the left proximal femur and left anterior fourth rib.  New and old posteromedial rib fractures are traumatic in appearance.  No new bony metastasis identified.

In other words, nothing has changed since the last scan!  What struck me when I was reading the reports is that there is no visible cancer in my liver, where this all started.  It gives me hope--I know my team is doing everything possible for me and I'm so grateful!  My left rib very rarely bothers me.  My left hip bothers me all the time, I feel it with every step and stair I take.

Dr. Buys told me we could try radiation on my hip, but I'm not ready to jump to that yet.  Honestly, I'm tired of treatment (I'm NOT stopping treatment!). I spend a lot of time up there, and the last few months it's just been a drag!  If I could do the things that keep me sane (acupuncture! massage!) in all of this, I might feel different. But I am so done with isolation, quarantines, masks and paranoia (my own).  Being in constant pain, even as minor as it is right now, is exhausting.  The only thing I can take is Tylenol because it is the only pain killer that doesn't thin the blood.  I take Eliquis (a blood thinner) already to prevent blood clots.

Poor Mat sat in the car in the parking garage today.  He drove me because it was an early appointment. He wanted to come to my appointment, but it's not allowed.  So I put him on speaker phone when Dr. Buys came in to talk to me, then he had to wait and wait some more while I waited for the pharmacy to my study drug together.  I really am exhausted ...

Camping, but not in the Bahamas

I've been feeling the stress of this week build for the last couple of weeks.  I knew this was the week for my regular CT scan and follow up bone scan.  I knew that another month has passed with all of the support services at Huntsman cancelled, with no end in sight. I knew that, even though Mat wants to come with me to talk to my doctor on Friday, he can't. We may try to FaceTime him in while he sits in the car. I hate that I have to carry my cancer largely by myself. We have a Zoom support group every few weeks, which I feel is about 30% effective for me, compared to sitting in the same room with my warriors, face to face.  I know Lisa is doing the best she can under the circumstances!  I saw my acupuncturist on the way to my EEG today.  It was SO GREAT to see her! I can't wait to get back to it.  She'll have her work cut out for her-I'm kind of a mess!

I sent an email yesterday to the social worker that runs our group.  I asked her if it was OK to organize my own little gathering, friends meeting at a park somewhere with sack lunches, so we can see each other and talk.  No one at Huntsman can be involved with coordinating or attending a meeting outside the hospital.  But I'm willing to take it on if everyone up there is onboard! I don't want to burn any bridges with the people who are keeping me alive!

I saw my across-the-street neighbor tonight for the first time since she had her baby girl.  She's beautiful, even from an appropriate distance! I thought I was doing a good job of camouflaging the "overwhelm" I feel everyday. I wasn't. I've had a really hard time since my last scans. I knew as time went on, the honeymoon (no evidence of disease) would end and cancer would spread. It's very common for breast cancer to end up in the bones.

I get my therapy in the yard. I can't believe that we have mostly completed everything in the yard that needs to be done, before Mat would normally be done with school! The last thing to do is prep for the 6 foot solid fence that should be coming any day? Next week?  I want to hang a porch swing from our deck, and get a rope swing or two in our giant maple tree.

We got the garden box planted kind of late, but things are starting to take off.  McKinley really wanted to have a place to plant food in the yard. The fence will keep the dogs out - they love soft dirt and pulling (and eating) sticks from the wood pile. Mat ran drip lines to the garden bed and the bed along the back fence. We have tomatoes, potatoes, basil, chives, zucchini, yellow squash and green beans. I put oregano and rosemary in pots.  See the overgrown fence in the background? That's next years project. The neighborhood rats will have to find somewhere else to live!

We have 3 camping trips planned for summer so far, at Bryce Canyon, Zion, and the Spruces.  In August me and Maddie are going on a short cruise to the Bahamas. I'm not gonna lie, there's a fair amount of stress related to that too! Hurricanes, quarantines, motion sickness, airplanes? Please tell me we'll get there, have a blast, and then get home again without any problems!

I'll get the results of the CT scan tomorrow, and the bone scan on Friday.  I may do a brief update tomorrow, or maybe wait until Friday when I have all the information? Not sure.

Garden Hazards

 I haven't had a lot to say lately, mainly because there isn't much that changes from week to week.  We have been working in the yard a lot, getting things changed around to fit our wants/needs.  About a month ago, I smashed my finger doing something out there.  At first I thought it was just bruised, but when it took so long to heal, I figured it was infected too and did 7 days on an antibiotic. But it still hurts, so I went and got an X-ray yesterday and found out I actually broke it.  😂

The irony of all of it is just 2 hours before I was to go to the hand doctor yesterday, Maddie and I were using a piano dolly to move some of my heavy plant pots from the front of the house to the back. As we were sliding one of the bigger pots off the dolly, it landed on top of my big toe.  It's so painful and bruised, I've broken that too!  I went to Urgent Care today and had it x-rayed. There's nothing you can do about a broken toe, just be gentle.

We built a raised garden box to plant veggies and herbs in.  It's 12 feet long, 3 feet wide, and 2 feet tall.  We used some of the dirt Mat scraped off for out patio in the bottom of the garden box and filled the top with better soil.  I'm really excited about that.  McKinley needed a place to grow food, so we fit it in and it's perfect.  Pictures to come!  The pavers for the patio were delivered this morning. I can't wait to have a place outside to sit in the evening.  We're putting a fire pit in the center of the patio, which will officially be my favorite part of the house.

This is the first year I've planted containers to put
on the front porch.  I love how they turned out! 

One of the things I don't like about our house is that we're on a corner, which means most of our yard is on the sides and not in the back, so NO privacy.  We had chain link fence around the perimeter, but because we have 2 very noisy dogs (whose idea was that anyway?!) who can see everything and everyone that comes through the neighborhood, and they feel the need to talk to everything that moves, we've torn out that fence and will have 6 foot vinyl installed next month. We have a fence that cuts through the middle of the backyard, so we can have the dogs on one side or the other.  Right now they are stuck on the side of the yard we are working on.  Can't wait for the new fence!

I have a minor obsession with the plant nurseries this time of year.  I often find plants that I can sneak into the yard here or there.  I just can't stand to drive by a nursery and not stop, but I really am running out of room in the flowerbeds, so I really should just keep driving.

Mat has had a busy week with syncing up the audio files all his kids sent him for the video of his choir "singing" at virtual graduation.  Graduation happens this week, so he'll be done for the year by Friday.  What a strange year this has been!  This online home school thing is insane.  It's been no problem for Brooklyn, but a nightmare for McKinley.  She has so many missing assignments and poor grades as a result.  I just can't worry about it.  She really needs the consistency and routine of a classroom and a teacher. Let's all pray that they can go back to school in the fall!