Raw. Honest.

Right now I have my youngest in bed with me (Tuesday night).  She has so much anxiety built up in her soul.  School closures, earthquakes, pandemics, riots, my terminal cancer ... It's all more that she can manage.  Honestly, it's more than I can manage!!!  I've been saying for a couple weeks that I would call the pediatrician and get her into a therapist there. I never did it and I feel horrible. She hasn't been able to sleep good for a while now.  Her birthday is on Thursday, we're leaving to go camping that day.  So tomorrow night we're having the school friend party, we'll have the party for neighborhood friends after we get back next week.

I am in constant pain.  It's funny, my ribs don't bother me at all, but my hip bothers me every minute of the day, it's really slowing me down and making it harder to accomplish the normal stuff that hasn't ever been a big deal.  It's super depressing, it's affecting everyone in the family.

We got back last night (it's late Sunday night now) from camping at Zion NP.  It was an amazing trip.  We spent 3 days there, roasting like the marshmallows we couldn't roast.  It was triple digits all week, so HOT being surrounded by those beautiful rock walls and formations knowing that you must be getting another 10 degrees reflection off the rock.  Fire danger is extremely high down there, so no fires or briquettes. Every night at 9:15 they do a presentation in the amphitheater.  The first night was the geology, how Grand Staircase happened over millions of years.  The second night was about light pollution, and where to go if you really want to see the stars!  The Virgin river ran by the campground, so the kids spent quite a bit of time there staying cool.  Mat is such a trooper.  Thankfully we have a propane stove in the trailer, so all the cooking was modified and cooked in the trailer.  I know Mat is feeling a different kind of pain than me.  He knows I'm in pain but feels helpless to know how to help.  He took on the brunt of the chores when camping, helped with the meals, planned out things to see and go on one hike, but no more when he saw how hard the first one was on me.

After making reservations at Zion early this year, I thought it would be cool to re-attempt what we tried to do 24 years ago.  We had only been married about 9 months and went to Zion as our "first camping experience" AND our "first vacation."  We wanted to hike to Angels Landing - there's something about hanging on to chains attached to the cliff so you don't fall to your death!  This is when I learned something about Mat that I hadn't known previous to that trip.  He's terrified of heights!  Or maybe it's just the heights that require some skill in walking along the edge of a cliff hanging onto chains.  In 1995, I wanted to go on without him, so I could say I had done it! But he pulled me back because he was freaking out about me going without him, even though I knew I would be fine!

Six months ago, I could have done these hikes, albeit quite a bit slower.  That has been the game plan all along.  We should try to get to at least Scout Lookout, if not all the way up Angels Landing.  I was confident I could do it, but not now with that pain in my hip.  The one hike we did go on was to the canyon overlook.  It takes "normal" people an hour to go round trip, it took us longer than that.  I was a little paranoid about losing my footing, going up and down.  It wouldn't take a very serious fall to break bones.

I'm taking McK to the pediatrician on Tuesday and already have the preauth from the insurance for the counselor she has in her practice.  So, we're in good shape beginning to help McKinley with so many hard things that she's going through right now.  She's moving to the neighborhood school, I don't even have her registered yet!  I picked up the packet earlier this year and then everything fell apart.

So, life rolls on for us.  We have one more camping trip in a couple of weeks, and a trip to Lake Powell the end of July.  The cruise Maddie and I were scheduled for in August was cancelled.   The thought of flying into Miami and cruising in international waters was kind of freaking me out, so I'm grateful, but bummed because it feels like our traveling options are so limited.  There's so many places we can't even go in the states because we live in Utah (with high Covid numbers).  It's bumming me out - I just want to travel and make memories with my family while I can!