Damn Cancer

It's taken me a long time to get this update posted.  I've been in a funk for a while, just feeling discontented and confused about the meaning of my cancer journey.  One of the hard things about what I have to deal with is knowing that my time is short, relative to most other people.  People ask me all the time how I am.  Generally just say "I'm good ...?" That probably frustrates those who ask because I'm answering from a "physically" standpoint.  Physically, I have cancer in my ribs on both sides, and in my left hip and femur.  Emotionally?  I'm a mess.  I feel frantic about making sure my kids are in a good spot before I go.  I'm a bit of a control freak and want to make sure my kids lives are in order, meaning MY interpretation of how their lives should look. I don't know why, I've never been able to control how their lives look!  I told one of my children recently that I tend to "preach" because I feel compelled to try to cram 30 years of advice into a short period of time.  It is so hard to contemplate what is coming.

I had my scans yesterday and was surprised to get 2 of 3 results back last night.  After reading those, I was pretty confident that I'm still in a good place.  But the third one came today.  It was the chest CT scan, and this is what it says:

Unchanged 1 cm left axillary lymph node (series 2 image 23). An additional left axillary lymph node appears increased from prior, now measuring 9 mm, previously 3 mm (series 2 image 26).

 

There is a new left anterior chest wall mass between the third and fourth anterior ribs, associated with infiltrative sclerotic lesion of the left fourth rib. This mass measures approximately 5.1 x 3.1 cm (series 2 image 58) and appears to contact the underlying pleural surface. There is increased size of underlying pleural nodule measuring 4 mm, previously 2 mm (series 2 image 71).

 

There is a new nondisplaced fracture of the left sixth posterior rib (series 2 image 59), corresponding to uptake on nuclear medicine bone scan. Unchanged fractures of the left posterior fifth rib and right posterior eighth rib. Unchanged healing fracture of the right posterior eighth rib associated with sclerotic lesion.

What does that mean?  One lymph node has tripled in size.  There is a "mass" growing between the 3rd and 4th ribs, growing into the 4th rib and extending to the chest wall, and several fractured ribs.  The CT scan picks up fast growing cells, fractures and metastasis look very similar on the scans. Often they can see a problem, but can't pinpoint which it is.  If it gets bigger scan to scan, it's cancer.  If it is stable over time, it's a fracture (fractures make the bones more vulnerable to cancer infiltration - neither scenario is great).  SO, THAT'S SUPER CRAPPY!!!  I haven't talked to my oncologist yet, hopefully Monday.  My best guess is that chemo treatments will change to try to attack it from another angle.  With that comes a whole new set of side effects and concerns.

I haven't had significant progression since I started this adventure almost 4 years ago.  So these scan results feel like a gut punch.  I knew it would happen eventually, it does for everyone.  The great thing is I have many friends who have walked this path before. I get a great deal of support from them, but also from friends who have never experienced cancer before, but have gone through other very hard trials.  Everyone has them ... this just happens to be mine.  One HUGE blessing is that in all these years since I started cancer (end of November 2009, kids were 12, 9, 5, and 5 months), I had very little consistent cancer pain (only my hip in 2020) ... and I don't have pain now.  It's crazy to know that those cells are growing uncontrolled inside me. My scans just 3 months ago didn't show any of this.

We've had a very busy summer.  There's never enough time to accomplish all the projects that need to be done.  We're getting our basement ready to rent.  We have a short term renter moving in while she's looking for her next house, even though the basement is far from finished!  We still have a mess in the hallway, living room and kitchen.  Two bedrooms and the bathroom/laundry are done.  I guess that's something!  

I'm going to post some pictures from all of our trips this summer. Scroll through if you want to!  We've seen a lot of beautiful things!

This is fireweed, it's all over the parts of Alaska we
visited.  I asked Annette why they don't sell it in
nurseries there.  She said "It's a weed!"  It may be
a weed but I'd plant it everywhere!

Our first night in SoCal.  We missed the only amazing
sunset we'd see that week because I couldn't find
parking in Laguna Beach!  Every other night
was foggy.  This trip was just me and Brooklyn 
and totally worth it! 

We spent a few glorious days at my sister's amazing cabin 
in Huckleberry Bay, Priest Lake, northern Idaho.  It's about
as perfect as a house can get, lakeside, private beach, boat dock,
beautiful cabin surrounded by forest and huckleberries and wild
animals.  McK would gladly stay there forever if that was an option! 

I won't take credit for this photo, Mel took it.  
This is the view she and Pat put to bed every night.

This is Mel, my sister and Pat, her husband.  
We're so grateful for their hospitality!

We went on a mile hike up to these cedars. 
Worth. Every. Step.  Standing among those
trees, and in that forest, you feel really small
and so amazed at the beauty and peace all around you.

I love this picture too.  Again, Mel took it. They found
this eagle nest along the lakeshore and took a bunch of
pictures before those birds flew.  I love that Mom is a
little blurry in the background, but watching over her little
ones intently. You can bet if any danger came near,
she'd be there in a second with talons flared, ready to
defend her babes. Can we relate to that as Moms?  
I sure can.  I just want my little fledglings to be safe and
happy as they leave they nest, and be safe and happy
as they grow into adults.  But momma eagles, like human
mommas have to let those babies go and trust that they've
learned everything they need to know to survive in the world.  
For human mommas, sometimes it's hard to let them go.

I'm obsessed with huckleberries.  I was first introduced
last summer when I stopped by my cousin Ruths house
in Coeur d'Alene.  She made huckleberry lemonade
for us, which was so tasty! I found a guy from Canada
on Etsy this year and ordered 10 pounds from him.  
Huckleberries aren't cheap because they are so labor
intensive to harvest and process.  Every single berry
has to be hand picked.  It might have been my most
extravagant purchase this summer.  But compared to
buying 2 pounds from him, it was a great deal!!! 😂
I sure hope he really sends me my huckleberries!
  

Nothing like a little kayaking on the Little Spokane River
on a beautiful, sunny day!

Mat dropped me off in Spokane on the way home,
so I could spend a few days with Belinda, my twin
from another mother.  We are so much alike, and she
has red hair, and we've both had cancer, and our kids
are about the same age. We met at a breast cancer
retreat for families in Sedona, AZ a couple years ago.
We instantly clicked and I knew it would be a life long thing.

More from Alaska!

Knik River, this is run-off from the glacier we
visited.  I could get used to these views!

Up on Knik Glacier.  It was surprisingly cold - I guess
you can expect that standing near all that ice!  I have my
hood synched up because it was so windy and I was
NOT going to lose my hat!  The standing joke was how
many rocks would Mom get away with taking home?
Maddie said I had to limit it to 5, but I took home 8.
I knew whatever I took had to go in my carry on,
so that made it easier to limit myself.  

Maddie made me carry my rocks in the
hood of the coat so I would feel how
many I really wanted to take home!

This is just an average day in Annettes 
backyard.  The moose wander through all
the time, day and night!  Kind of a novelty
for us city slickers, but still a big deal for
Annette!  She loves the visitors she gets
in her yard.

My amazing daughter, Maddie.  She got to come with
me on this trip because we were supposed to go on a
cruise last year.  When that got canceled, we had
non-transferable flight credit on Delta. So, it had to
be the two of us that used those credits.  I think we did
pretty good switching from the Caribbean to Alaska! 

The remnants of Indepence Mine, an old, early 1900's
gold mine up Hatcher Pass.  Annette's daughter Matea,
Brad and Oliver were with us for a few days too.

Anchorage temple is stage 3, so we got to do a session
together.  This was my first time back to the temple since
before the pandemic.  It's always a sweet experience
to be at the temple.

No trip is complete without a botanical
garden.  😉   I'd never post every picture
I took of flowers and plants, but one I have
to share because it is so beautiful.

The summers are too hot in Utah for this beauty,
I'm sure.  But isn't she GORGEOUS?!?

I'm super grateful we got out this summer and made some memories.  Poor Mat only "got to" come on the trip to the cabin.  He's back at school now.  I always know that by August 1st, he's done for the summer and scrambling to get ready for the school year again.  That's why we crammed so much in, I'm so grateful we did!

p.s. I don't know why there are formatting problems in the middle. It just is!