*Beware* There's no carefully crafted sugar-coating here!

I've had some hard times in my life.  There have been times when I felt so down and overwhelmed that I could hardly function, couldn't get on the floor and play with kids, couldn't make a meal, couldn't get out of bed  ...  I've had WAY MORE great times in my life, when I felt like I could conquer anything, I felt strong enough to not let myself get pushed around, my business, my mission--new language and all.  I can't even fathom that now!  I think this cancer thing was approached with that same determination, NOT because I knew I would or could beat it, but because I know/knew my Savior will help me.  

The last 4 years have been an ugly spectrum of complete despair to complete distraction with some joy and perspective there too, as we've gone on trips, redone the yard and a lot of the house, etc. etc.  I'm not going to say that I've ever been positive and upbeat with what I'm going through now (oh yay! stage 4 cancer!), but I will say that there's something to be said about they way you allow your thoughts to run through your head.  Probably more than ever, at this moment, it's hard to control the way my thoughts run through my head.  Because I'm angry.  I'm angry at cancer, I'm angry at progression, I'm angry that cancer cells can mutate, I'm angry at how many people I know in my same boat, I'm angry that I have to worry about the futures of my kids and husband; I love Huntsman, but I hate that it's my home away from home, and that my life as I know it depends on what happens there.  I'm angry.  I'M ANGRY.

I got a call from the study coordinator tonight.  He said he got an echo scheduled for me on Friday, but can't get the CT scan or brain MRI until the last week of September.  I can't start chemo again until I get that done, because part of the study is to start the standard protocol (Kadcyla) and the study drug at the same time. So he's telling me that there will be a 2 month break (Aug. 2nd to first week in October) until I can start chemo again, ... because of these tests?!?  I DON'T THINK SO.  I already have a tennis ball in my chest wall?!  I DON'T THINK SO.  Let's try again friend.  He'll get a message from me tonight.  That way he can hit the ground tomorrow morning tweaking my plan a bit.  Poor Dr. Buys!  I love that woman, but I don't have the "just sit around and wait" gene.

I was in Lindon tonight, visiting my Arizona cousin with inflammatory breast cancer.  Her family is relocating to South Dakota this week and she got the week off and is spending it with her Mom (my Moms youngest sister).  First of all, seeing my aunt made me a little teary because she looks so much like my Mom.  I miss my Mom, the Mom before dementia. I just really need her strength right now. 

We talked for about 4 hours about our experiences.  They are remarkably similar as far as the side effects and the emotional state goes.  She gets a bigger "angry card" than me though, because she also has MS and epilepsy on top of stage 4 cancer.  It was so great to talk and vent with her because she keenly understands the cancer thing.  I don't fully understand what she deals with everyday, juggling all the drugs she takes to manage 3 diseases.

We kind of joked about getting tattoos and nose rings, because ... why not?!  A tattoo on my left back side that hasn't been sliced open might be fun, or maybe I could tattoo the right behind cheek with a zipper along the scar (from my reconstruction 10 years ago)!  I can think of a few friends who would do it with me.  I can also think of a few friends I couldn't bring with me because they would make me laugh the entire time.  Wouldn't be a successful tattoo.

One thing that I want to make clear is this:

• The conversations I have with cancer friends is different than conversations I have with "healthy" friends.  That is simply because life experiences teach us different things, take us down different roads.  But I wholeheartedly believe that if you really get down to the nitty gritty, our trials are more similar than they appear on the surface.  Loss, confusion, betrayal, fear, isolation, sadness, contempt, anger, disappointment, etc.  So lets talk to each other and support each other in all we experience, because we all need love and acceptance to thrive!
• I don't want anyone to ever feel "afraid" to ask me how I am.  Sometimes I sense that people are holding back, afraid it might bring up emotions in me or whatever.  I have those overwhelming emotions whether or not you ask me how I am, so don't hold back.  Don't be afraid!  I want/have a deep need to talk and connect on more than the surface.  Not going to lie, my life feels really crappy right now, but if you're willing, we could talk about it and then move on to another subject.

THANK YOU for sending your prayers and faith to heaven, to the only One who can truly "fix" this.  Thank you for supporting our family through occasional meals, kids "hang outs" at your house, hugs in the neighborhood and long talks until the mosquitos come out and long after the sun goes down.  WE LOVE YOU!!!