A Great Week

 I experienced the happiest moment tonight, when I heard a ruckus coming up from the basement. It was 2 boys from WXHS, coming to pick Brooklyn up to go to a swim party at the SD Rec center. Not only did she go, but went with a huge smile and happy disposition I haven’t seen in quite some time! You go girl!!!

I’m having a great week, not from a side effect standpoint, but from a friend standpoint. Belinda from Spokane came to spend a few days with me. Our intention is to do as little as possible, except sit around, watch movies and laugh! That’s really easy with a friend like her. Her laugh lights up the room, which makes it easy for me to let go of “hard” and laugh out loud with her. She said she’s only used the passenger side brake a couple of times. Can’t wait to post a few pictures! Mat saved my life by getting the whole house clean and organized.

Blanket Mercy

 Brooklyn is home - We are so happy about that, we all have a lot to learn still!

I had my 2nd Doxil infusion today. They filled me up on Benadryl and steroids before the infusion to prevent a reaction. It worked! I met with Dr. Buys before the infusion. We talked about all the issues related to this infusion, she lowered the dose by 20% because the side effects were so brutal after the first infusion. She was so sad to hear about Brooklyn.

I had almost 2 hours to wait between seeing Dr. Buys and the infusion. My allergies are killing me right now and I just needed a place to lay down, zone out and close my eyes. There are a couple offices just outside the infusion room that are separated from the main hallway by a partition. All the lights were off for the two people that work there. In their space, there was a two seater "couch" if you could call it that. They are very uncomfortable, certainly not designed for someone to curl up and go to sleep! But that's what I did. I was far enough gone that I didn't see a man come over near me. When I sensed he was there, he was carefully, gently putting a new fleece blanket over me. I lifted my head enough to see his dress shoes and pant leg. I said "Thank you!" as he walked away.

It really was a cool experience I am so grateful for. Life has been pretty rough on us lately. I couldn't have handled it if he came to scold me, or tell me I couldn't sleep there and I had to move. He blessed me with a tender mercy I've desperately needed.

Brooklyn

 I wanted so badly to write this update sooner, but needed to get Brooklyns permission first. I had a couple appointments at Huntsman on Thursday afternoon. As I was going from one to the other, I noticed I had a voicemail from Woods Cross High. I listened, it was Brooklyns counselor. She asked me to call her ASAP because she had Brooklyn in her office with her. A couple of favorite teachers were there as well. Brooklyn has seemed really down lately, more so than usual. One of her teachers asked some screening questions.

The counselor explained to me what had happened, that she was safe there in the office. She told me they were going to hold her there until one of us could come for her. They wouldn’t let her drive her car home by herself, or be home by herself. Maddie was on her way, Mat was on the way and I got there as soon as I could. When I got home, everyone was downstairs, she was packing a backpack for a few days. The counselor and teachers had strongly encouraged her to go to the emergency room so she could be admitted to an inpatient mental health facility.

Once she was ready, we said a family prayer, and Mat took her to the U hospital. After many hours, she was admitted, Mat got home about midnight (and had a 7 a.m. meeting to look forward to).

Up to this point, we have told very few people about it because we needed to see how the next few days rolled out, and get Brooklyns permission to make it widely known. We went for a visit last night and had a good talk with her. We have a better idea what she has been so worried about. Friday night McKinley said she missed having Brooklyn at home. Last night Brooklyn admitted she “kinda” missed McKinley.

Brooklyn told us on Friday that she HAD to be home by Monday, because Tuesday was her in class review for the AP Psych test. I told her she will probably be home by the NEXT Monday. We’ve encouraged her to make the most of her time there, to get as much out of it that she can. I think she’s figured out that’s the best thing to do.

With all that said, I’m going to go shave my head.

Hair

 It’s time to shave my hair off. I’m dropping hair all over the house. I knew this day would probably come, sooner or later. I would rather live longer through toxic treatments than have hair!

This story and more, coming tomorrow!

Mom Moment

 I had a real Mom

moment with McK this week. It was late at night, but not a crisis because it’s spring break. She came in my room with her eyes welling up. I know her well enough to know the last thing she needs in those moments is for me to melt down. I asked her what was up, she said she was having anxiety/depression about my cancer and me feeling so rotten lately. She said she was so worried about me being sick, and that I might die really fast, and we wouldn’t give her enough warning to get ready. It really broke my heart (AGAIN!) that her whole existence has been my cancer.

I assured her she was second in line to find out and “be ready”. Dad first, then McK! Sorry Maddie, Isaac, Brooklyn! She’s in front of you! Then we had an amazing talk for about 1 1/2 - 2 hours about how she came to be, (because it was a process to convince the Mom to do another pregnancy!), how the cancer happened after that, so many miracles and tender mercies … then she asked if she could bring her pillow and blanket in and sleep on my bed. She did, and I talked her ear off some more, before finally realizing she couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore! When I woke in the morning, I was relegated to 20% on the south-east corner of the mattress, both dogs spread eagle at the bottom and McK curled up in a fetal position and her knees in my back. My BIGGEST Regret? I didn’t think to hit the “record” button.

... Venting ...

When I woke up this morning and peered outside at gray skies and a couple inches of new snow, I'll admit it didn't brighten my spirit. Quite the opposite - I've been sitting on my bed almost the entire day, occasionally pulling up FB or youtube and scrolling, occasionally looking out the window because I can't get myself to do anything else. I wish I had the energy to paint the living room wall, because then we could put everything back in its place and put one more project behind us.

This afternoon I got a message from a massage therapist I had seen a few times earlier this year. She said she was cutting back on customers but I could contact the other therapist at the business. I said, "Is that who had early stage breast cancer a while back?" She replies, "Yes, she had a very difficult year but is now cancer free." Then I have a litany of rebuttals running through my head about how she is definitely NOT cancer free, and NOT out of the woods, because there isn't a cure for cancer, first of all, most especially a hormone driven cancer that comes on around the birth of a child. Her diagnosis came as so many do, during a pregnancy or right around the birth of a baby. Would I change the choices we made that led to children/cancer? NOT. A. CHANCE. Do I want to talk to doctors about how they talk to young Moms after a cancer diagnosis? You bet. Is the right thing to do to talk to patients about percentages and likelihoods? Absolutely. But if you're told that there's on a 12-15% chance it could come back? That number doesn't matter when you're in the 100% category that did come back.

I'll stop there - more chocolate and youtube. 

Old side effect friends

 I'm slowly recognizing side effects I haven't experienced in years. Believe it or not, slow onset nausea is hard to recognize. I had a really hard week last week until I took a Zofran on Saturday. Today, it's taste distortion. Eating enough is hard when you consider having to keep your plumbing clear, but when nothing tastes good?? I better get back to my favorite Thai and Indian places to make sure I have something to fall back on. Captain Crunch is also a reliable option - for quickly raising blood sugar, but not for keeping plumbing clear.