LGBTQ

(Brooklyn approached ward leadership about doing a 5th Sunday or a fireside on this topic.)

Bishop #####, 

Thank you so much for reaching out! 

I’ve made the list of hurtful phrases, and I hope you understand that while this list is imperfect, long-winded, and kind of repetitive, each one is important, and each was something that my friends and family mentioned when I asked what hurts them. It is also important to note that none of these are overtly offensive and are often said with good intentions. I left out the more obvious words or phrases such as slurs or statements that directly attack a person’s character. As I said, these are phrases that are usually said with the best of intentions, but they can still be damaging and hurtful. Thank you for taking the time to ask me!

1. “Hate the sin, love the sinner” or statements about “condoning” sin. Think of the Sermon on the Mount and how we could look at other people’s sins and think they are so big, while we also have sins and make mistakes just like them. This statement also makes us start on unequal ground. Like “I am loving you, sinner, from my position of holiness.” We are all sinners, and we can all work through life together. A better phrase is “love the sinner, invite them to dinner.” This makes us equal as imperfect, beautiful people. In addition, someone else’s choices aren’t ours to judge. The Savior can worry about that. Our only direction is to love. Love the sinner, and you’ll be a winner. :)

2. “Being gay is a choice” or “God doesn’t make mistakes, so you are lying.” This tells people who are legitimately wrestling with their self-worth that they are mistakes. It is also very invalidating of their experiences. Instead, we can support them by helping them feel the love of Christ. 

3. “Bisexuals are doing it for attention” or “bisexuals are just gay in denial.” This is hurtful because sexual orientation is something that people can wrestle with for years, so when they finally have the courage to speak up about their experience, the extremely invalidating nature of these comments can make them doubt themselves and their worth. Instead of saying things like this, we can believe people when they tell us who they are. Thank them for telling you this very vulnerable part of them. Love them.

4. Trying to explain the “origins” like pornography, childhood assault, it’s a phase, etc. When people say these things, it’s like they are trying to explain away reality because it makes them uncomfortable. Because gay people do exist, and there is not one explanation for why. We don’t need an explanation other than it’s just who they are.

Some people also say that the reason someone is gay is because they were exposed to gay relationships in childhood or adolescence and were influenced by that. This is an untrue and hurtful statement. Having gay couples around kids won’t make them gay, but excluding people from their lives will make them think it’s ok to exclude and ridicule others. Instead, we can just know that God created our brothers and sisters just the way He knew they needed to be. We can love them for their incredible contributions to the world, and we don’t need to worry about why they are gay.

5. Trying to find solutions or prescriptive advice. Like saying, “just read your scriptures more” or “say more prayers” or “marry someone of the opposite sex and it will work out” or “stay single.” While all of these come from good intentions, this is hurtful because you would only be searching for a solution if you considered it a problem. Instead, ask them what they need. Ask how you can better love them. That’s all anyone needs.

6. “In the next life it will be fixed.” This could be hurtful because in Heaven we will be perfected. So, by saying that you won’t be gay in Heaven, you are implying that it is an imperfection or something needs to be fixed. We don’t know what will happen in Heaven, so let’s just steer away from saying this. Statements like this can also make someone who hates who they are and hates their life want to get to the next life sooner. This is not a spot that we want to put anyone in.

Rather than this prescriptive advice, we can try to listen and learn. Ask questions about their experiences. Ask for ways you can support them and help. Let them tell you what they need.

7. Things that imply “you’re allowed to be gay, but only if you do it in the way we want you to do it.” Like telling gay people to just try harder to date the opposite gender or only accepting them when they are single. Our only commandment is to love. Let’s do it!

8. “They are struggling with same-sex attraction.” This is a tricky one. Some gay people prefer to use this label, and if that is the case, we should respect it and mirror their language. However, this phrasing implies that same-sex attraction is something that is hard, bad, or something to be overcome. Instead, we could view this trait as divine or a wholesome sense of self. “I don’t struggle with same-sex attraction, I struggle with other people struggling with my same-sex attraction.” - Charlie Bird 

Sometimes we want to use words that aren’t as charged as “gay” or “LGBTQ,” and that’s ok! Some things you could say instead are “sexuality” or “orientation.” Let’s ask them what their experience has been, instead of assuming that it is something that they are desperate to change.

9. Calling same-sex partners “special friend” or something, when really, it’s just their “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” If a gay person is dating, they’re “acting on their feelings.” But if a straight person is dating, then they’re just dating. We can use the same language to make people feel included and understood

10. “Don’t act on it.” This makes it seem like being gay is just about sex. But in reality, “acting on” one’s sexuality can make them kinder, more empathetic, and more like Jesus. If they weren’t acting on it, they wouldn’t be as loving or wonderful. Let people be who they are, and love them for it and not in spite of it.

We don’t have to have conversations that are completely devoid of hurtful things, because we are human! We just want to help people feel heard, understood, and loved. If that is the focus, any mistakes we make or hurtful comments said with good intentions seem less of a big deal. Hopefully, as we extend grace to others, they will do the same for us.

Another question you had was how to better minister to our LGBTQ+ friends. There are many things we can do, but one of the simplest and most important is to ask questions! If there is someone who recently came out, ask them what their experience has been. Invite them to share their story and listen well. I know that I feel the most loved and valued when people show they care by asking questions about things I care about and things I’ve experienced. We want to elevate people’s voices as much as we can, especially voices that have historically been silenced or repressed. 

Being part of the LGBTQ+ family is different than belonging to other minority groups because it is easy to hide it. I know of at least three of our Young Women in the closet and one of the Young Men. It is vital that we talk about LGBTQ+ people with respect and dignity because we never know who is listening! To love and minister to closeted individuals, we can watch the way we speak about these topics, and make sure we are clear about our love.  One thing I’ve learned is that people get hung up on “getting it.” Like they have a hard time loving people who are different because they don’t understand. It’s ok to not understand because we have all had many different life experiences! I’ve discovered that first we must love, support, and give dignity to these individuals. “Getting it” can come after. 

The second question you had was how to foster inclusion in our ward and youth. I think the best way to do this is to get to know our youth. When you can see the beautiful, diverse, and worth of each child of God, it makes it easier to love them. As a youth group, we could definitely work to grow closer outside of our classes. Having excellent leaders like yourself and Sister Hamblin get to know each young man or woman can also make an enormous difference in people feeling included and loved. I also think that speaking up when we hear something hurtful or problematic is vital to promoting closeness and unity. For example, if a member of the ward says something racist or homophobic, someone standing up and saying something could save a life. 

The main reason I wanted to do something like this was because I know that LGBTQ+ kids are dying by suicide at 3X the rate of their straight peers. The Trevor Project released a study that showed that having one supportive adult in a child’s life can decrease their risk of attempting suicide by 40%.  It is within our power to change the way these kids view themselves and the way the world sees them. We can be the support they need to make it through. God’s love and grace will lead us as we strive to make the world a better place for His children. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I care deeply about this topic, and I just want the world to see how we as individuals and a church can become better through the Christ-like example of LGBTQ+ youth and adults. People like you who are willing to grow and learn are the ones who will change the world. 

Brooklyn Ulmer

I'm not going to lie, when we were first introduced to this reality, it wasn't easy to accept.  But we quickly learned that the best thing, and the only answer for our kids was that we loved them unconditionally, no matter what they choose.  And I'll tell you what, them knowing that has made all the difference in our family.  I believe the ONLY thing that will get us through day to day is to LOVE, not JUDGE!  Let's have a collective shift in our mindset toward LGBTQ+, in our homes, communities, congregations, and save some lives in the process.  💗

Facebook update

 Just a quick update: Part of my new treatment plan is radiation on my hip. I went in today and they made the mold around my legs so I can be in the exact same position for each zap they give me, starting next Tuesday. ... treatment fatigue is a thing ... but I'm grateful to be alive!!!

Scan Results

I've had a mildly nerve-racking time since my last scan found, what I would call, significant progression from my ribs on the left and into my chest wall.  I think 5 cm is pretty significant, considering my early tumors were measured in mm.  That is why I haven't updated for a while, just too much, too tender and scary!

Since I last wrote we had family pictures taken (because I have hair, but I'm never sure when/if that will change!).  I was kind of bummed because I wanted to get "outside" pictures, but the weather that day was not going to cooperate.  We ultimately decided to go for inside at the state capitol.  I can't wait to see the pictures!  

We had a great Christmas, pretty low key and relaxed.  We don't ever go too crazy at Christmas but the kids were happy with our day.  Kids helped me make dinner (honey baked ham, au gratin potatoes, and rotkohl (red cabbage side dish).  I've never made rotkohl before, but the recipe I found turned out awesome!  I'd say very close to what I was used to in Germany.  I'll definitely make it again and again.

I've been dreading this week because I had all my scans yesterday, saw Dr. Buys today and have chemo on Friday.  I've wished and hoped and prayed that Kadcyla has made a difference, especially in my chest wall!  Yesterday, after drinking the radioactive "berry smoothie" for the CT, my body reacted in a way it never has before (GI distress came on way earlier, before I even finished all the tests and left the hospital). When you walk in cancer shoes, you never know what to expect.  So when the unexpected happens, you have to roll with it.

My scan reports came late last night, so I had already read through everything before I saw Dr. Buys.  My initial reaction was "mixed", some good news, some bad.  Here's the summary.

• the abdomen/pelvis CT scan showed no evidence of anything changing
• the bone scan showed progression farther down my femur on the left side
• the chest CT showed "interval resolution of the anterior chest wall mass, increased sclerosis of the left fourth rib, a few small pulmonary nodules" 

Resolution, meaning that 5 cm bad boy can't be seen on CT anymore, with only 4 Kadcyla treatments! Let me clarify: just because they can't see it on CT doesn't mean there's no cancer there ... they just can't see it, so is much smaller.  I asked Dr. Buys if some chemo is works better in soft tissue than in bone - because why would the chest wall mass shrink so much but the cancer spread farther down my femur?  We're stumped, but that's the best case scenario.  They can radiate my hip/femur while not affecting surrounding structures. Radiating my chest could bring unpleasant complications to other organs in the area.  

I came away feeling more optimistic than I have been in months, even though it wasn't a perfect score.  Sometimes I still can't fathom where I am, with a terminal disease that could turn on a dime at any moment.  Except for the week after chemo, I feel pretty normal (though always fatigued) and can accomplish things, and no one in public would look at me and think I was sick.  That's the irony, right?  How could I have a disease that will kill me sooner than later, when I look totally healthy to people who don't know me?  

So, in the meantime, I try to make the most of my time.  I'm chipping away at the legacy projects I want to complete for my family.  I feel re-energized after going to see "Journal for Jordan" with Mat.  It's a true story about a military dad, his girlfriend and their son.  The girlfriend gave him a journal before he was deployed so he could write down wisdom for their son while he was gone, which he did.  And then the Dad died from a roadside bomb.  They sent the journal home with his other things - what a treasure for that boy who knew more about his Dad than many people do.  I would never have thought at this point in my life that I needed to do a very similar thing, but here I am ... doing it.

I just have to share a picture of this.  This is my Moms house in 
Kaysville.  She sold it in 2016.  It's a small, brick bungalow built in the 50's,
in a neighborhood surrounded by other small houses built in the 50's.
This is what the contractor / architect came up with? 
Unbelievable!!!

Transitions

I woke up today feeling BLAH.  I stayed in bed until after 11:00, not sleeping, just thinking and not dealing with my dogs.  They are pretty good about just laying on my bed until I get up.  We go to the dog park first thing, almost everyday.  That's what they expected to happen today.  I had some errands to run today, so I gave them each a dog bone treat and left.

My cousin, Carly, died a couple days ago.  I got a phone call from her sister Stephanie last week, she told me Carly was down to days, maybe a week, so I expected it.  I sent Carly a text, knowing it may be too late for her to see it.  I told her I love her and I hoped she was feeling peaceful.  Then I said, "I'll see you on the other side!"

As crappy as cancer is, isn't it great to have the reassurance that we will see our loved ones on the other side?  I really believe their spirits are here, around us every day, closer than we can imagine, helping us navigate the hard things in our lives.  Carly's life was so hard, especially after her cancer diagnosis.  I'm grateful she reached out to me in the beginning, so we could talk and share support all through our metastatic journeys.  She would often ask me how I was, when I told her my updates from scans or whatever, she would express how worried she was about me, and that she would keep praying for me.  I would think to myself, "Oh, Carly! Your cancer is way worse than mine!  I'm praying for you!"  I hope I made a difference in her life, like she did mine.

My last errand today was Costco.  I pulled into the parking lot, found a row where two cars were leaving at the same time.  I flagged the driver going the other way to go ahead, then pulled into my spot.  Not surprising to me, it was one of my great friends in that car, the Mom of one of Maddie's best friends from elementary school.  It wasn't surprising to me because that was exactly what I needed today!  And Heavenly Father knew it, and He orchestrated our days so we would show up at Costco at the exact same time, and park next to each other - at the exact same time.  We sat down and talked for an hour over greasy pizza and soda.  My soul was lifted and I found some peace.

But that isn't all, because Heavenly Father knows!  I went home and got the dogs so they could run around and burn some energy at the park.  I saw a lady there named Sherry who I've seen before, we've talked and shared stories. We talked for a good amount of time.  I didn't tell her about Carly, but our conversation seemed to be focused on the spiritual side of this journey, for me and her son.  Her son has a very serious health condition, and at 27 is facing applying for long term disability, like I did. But at his age, he doesn't want to stop working!  He doesn't want to be on disability! She shared some stories with me that tie in beautifully to my thoughts about spirits surrounding us here, helping us through the hard times.

It is sometimes hard for me to accept the will of God for me.  I don't want to leave my family behind, I don't want to miss important milestones, I don't want to leave Mat to "fend for himself".  I always imagined us in our 70's and 80's, walking around the block together - leaning on each other for support. 

I knew after my diagnosis 4 years ago that it wasn't my place to try to "fix it".  When people would approach me with miracle diets, enemas, supplements, detox programs, oils, potions, mindset ("just laugh a lot!" or "only have positive, uplifting thoughts!"), etc. I knew the right thing to do was conventional treatment.  I believe I'm alive today because I trusted my doctors and have done what they recommended. They are patient with me. "Kim, do you think if maple syrup and baking soda (or a vegan diet, or smoking pot, or juicing vegetables, or a certain supplement, or liver cleanses ...) were a cure for cancer, Huntsman researchers would already know that?" 

 I've always known that my life path is right where it needed to be, and it wasn't up to me to try to cure myself.  If God wants me cured right now, he would take it all away.  But He hasn't, because for reasons I have yet to understand, He sent me down this path because I have things to learn, my family has things to learn.  In the meantime, I prepare for the inevitable, and do my best to inspire and serve and love those around me.

I have chemo on Friday and will be kind of out of it for 2 or 3 days.  I've found I need to sleep a lot after this particular treatment, and Mat is so great about just letting me recover.  He just takes over to make sure chores get done, and projects get done. He's the best husband anyone could ask for, I love him a lot! 😘

View from the mountains above Bountiful, the
Great Salt Lake pretty near disappeared this year!

Moonstone Beach

I didn't realize it has been a whole month since my last post!  Life rolls on somewhat predictably.  Most days, I don't have anything on my schedule, so I try to get the dogs to the dog park and make dinner.  That's a decent day for me.  Mat's a super cool dude and doesn't expect me to accomplish everything on my list.  He knows I do as much as I can and he helps me with the heavy lifting when I need it.

With the new drug, I have infusion every three weeks.  After two infusions, I'm still working on figuring out how it affects me.  It seems like it makes me really tired for a few days, low energy, and brain fog.  Weeks two and three seem better and I can get more done.  I have chemo again on Friday.  I hope this new drug is making some sort of difference!  It seems like the lump in my chest is softer, but who knows!  My next scans should be in November, I'm praying for good news!

We got back from California on Saturday.  It was a great trip with McKinley, she really enjoyed the beach! The water was freezing, but when you're 12, the temperature doesn't seem to bother!  We spent most of our time on Moonstone Beach near Cambria.  They call it Moonstone because if you are a true rock hounder, you can find agates there.  I'll tell you I sorted through millions of rocks there, but never found an agate!  I did find and bring home a lot of rocks that were green, red, black, yellow and a few pink!  I love cool rocks, I don't know what I'll do with these rocks yet, but there will be something amazing ...

Elephant seal beach - coming back to the
beach for mating season

The price of gas in Cambria. YIKES!

These two pictures were taken within a
minute or two of each other.  Sun setting in
front of us, a full moon rising behind us. The
campground we stayed in was just across
the street from the beach. We were close enough
that we could hear the tide crashing in at night.

Daughters

Forever an ABBA fan!

 

My middle daughter pointed out that it is (or was) National Daughters Day. I usually avoid stuff like this because it's a lot of pressure saying all the right things about my 3 daughters that I love dearly!  

Maddie is devoted, and patient, and passionate about the things / people she cares about. She taught her mother a few lessons in 2021, and I've definitely been changed "For Good" through our interactions and travels. She has a courageous spirit, loves to be outside, hiking, camping, adventuring. We love you dearly Motz!

Brooklyn is a remarkable person with a huge heart. She's getting ready to take the world by storm, focusing on nursing in HS, speaking her mind when it's important and valuing the voiceless even if she's in the minority. Tonight we went to Dear Evan Hansen together. On the way home I was trying to articulate a thought I had about the show, how it applied to us. The things we've been through this year have been hard, but "... you kids have taught your parents to be more open-minded, you made US better people." We're a bunch of cubes thinking we have to fit into a perfect circle, but that is simply not going to be. Our diversity makes us better. Love you Brooklyn!!!

... with her favorite Marley ...

Brooklyn with her
homecoming date.
I was unsure about
including him when
he doesn't know
he's on here!

If you could remember what McK was like the first three years of her life, you'd never believe she is the same kid! She wouldn't talk to anyone outside our little family. She would hide behind our legs, or bury her head in our laps, or close her eyes ... because if she couldn't see you, you couldn't see her! She was about 3 when the faucet was opened and she hasn't stopped talking since. She's my kid who has only known cancer. She get's a little anxious sometimes, but she's always willing to talk to me. I can ask her a dozen or more questions and just listen quietly for her answers. We can always get things worked out and back on track. She begged us for a long time for a dog. She would write "10 Reasons We Need a Dog" every so often so I wouldn't forget! Now I can't imagine "not" being dog people! I love you more, McK!

Four Years

September 11, 4 years ago I was sitting at the U clinic on Redwood drinking the radioactive smoothie for my first CT scan.  September 12th I got a call from Dr. Prystas, giving me the results of the CT scan.  There were tumors in my liver and lymph system, "too many to count," she said.  I took the news stoically, but as soon as I hung up I sobbed my heart out.  I pulled into a parking lot near At Home (the store) because that was the closest place I could go to stop the car and park for a few minutes.  

A few days later I pulled into that same parking lot after I drove off with Costcos gas pump still running and in my tank.  Just so you know, they have a work around for people like me.  I watched from my rear view mirror as the hose bungeed back to the pump!  I calmed down so I could drive, but cried my eyes out until I was about 3 blocks from home, then started laughing hysterically when I thought about what the guy behind me must have thought!  I laughed at myself anytime I thought of it or told the story to someone.  (I'll find the date I posted about that and list it here later.)

So much has happened since then.  I could write a book about how terminal illness changes your perspective, your focus, your conversations, your priorities.  I've had to adjust to a "new normal."  I've shed buckets of tears as I mourn the thought of missing the kids marriages, not meeting their spouses or our grandkids, I mourn missing graduations and other things that would be important to Mat and our kids--especially just not being here.  Who will fill in the void for them?  I mourn for Mat so much.  His tears are just under the surface.  He's not the guy that gets emotional very often, he's dealing with his own set of traumas.

For the majority of this journey so far, I didn't think much about actually dying.  I knew I would/will, but I didn't focus too much on it.  We started talking about "hard things" intermittently and have taken care of the cemetery plots and the mortuary stuff.  We've talked about life insurance money and funerals  (I'm not having one ...  more later!)

(It's Friday now) I was at Huntsman all day today.  I met with Dr. Buys who told me that Kadcyla can offer, on average, 9 months before there's more progression.  I think that was the most depressing thing I've ever heard.  She always assures me there are "lots" of options for my cancer. But I want a drug that will give me an average over 9 months!  My heart breaks for me and others in my same boat.  This is NOT a fun way to live.  My head slips into the depths with ease. I'm afraid keeping me alive will consume much more time and energy than I needed up to this point.  Don't take that the wrong way.  I'm SO GRATEFUL for Huntsman and the resources they have there for us. But it's exhausting, friends.  I've never done anything harder in my life than this.  I told Annie when I saw her last week that I love the people at Huntsman, but I hate that it's my home away from home.

I started Kadcyla today.  The first time you get it, they do the infusion slowly over 90 minutes.  When that's done, you have to stay there for 90 more minutes so they can make sure you don't have a reaction.  My next infusions will be 30 minutes with 30 minutes observation. The side effects are very similar to the Herceptin I've been doing, but need to watch out for peripheral neuropathy ...  and fatigue, nausea, liver problems, constipation, headache, low platelet count, bleeding, pain that involves bones and muscles and tendons, it all sounds like a party!  😜🥳

I listened to this book last week and LOVED IT!  While Edith Eger survived her imprisonment at Auschwitz, all through her life she was figuring out how to make a choice to live from day to day.  She became a psychiatrist and helped many people and families work through trauma and make the choice to thrive instead of just survive.  I want to remember her story when mine feels impossible.

Tender Mercies

The last few days have been filled with introspection, lots of questions and answers, and great amounts of  gratitude for my team at Huntsman.  Last night after I finished the blog post in the wee hours of the morning, I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and clarity.  I felt in that moment that the right thing to do is forget about the study and just start Kadcyla ASAP.  I had already scheduled an appointment with Annie (social worker) for today, so it was perfect as far as processing all my emotions.  I read a paragraph or two from yesterdays blog to her, because for me to try to regurgitate those thoughts and feelings are impossible.  

When I told her I had decided to drop the study, and recounted what happened last night, it was almost as if an invisible, silent lightening bolt came through the room.  We realized at the same time that the moment of clarity and help with my decision was my Mom-without a doubt.  

I'm almost at a loss for words-imagine it! Me! At a loss for words!  But that was an amazing experience that came, again perfectly orchestrated, because Heavenly Father knows what's going on with me, he knows what I need (already having had an appointment set with Annie) and will provide in the most perfect way.

Love you guys!  Thanks for sticking with me even when I'm cranky!  I feel a lot better today.  💙

*Beware* There's no carefully crafted sugar-coating here!

I've had some hard times in my life.  There have been times when I felt so down and overwhelmed that I could hardly function, couldn't get on the floor and play with kids, couldn't make a meal, couldn't get out of bed  ...  I've had WAY MORE great times in my life, when I felt like I could conquer anything, I felt strong enough to not let myself get pushed around, my business, my mission--new language and all.  I can't even fathom that now!  I think this cancer thing was approached with that same determination, NOT because I knew I would or could beat it, but because I know/knew my Savior will help me.  

The last 4 years have been an ugly spectrum of complete despair to complete distraction with some joy and perspective there too, as we've gone on trips, redone the yard and a lot of the house, etc. etc.  I'm not going to say that I've ever been positive and upbeat with what I'm going through now (oh yay! stage 4 cancer!), but I will say that there's something to be said about they way you allow your thoughts to run through your head.  Probably more than ever, at this moment, it's hard to control the way my thoughts run through my head.  Because I'm angry.  I'm angry at cancer, I'm angry at progression, I'm angry that cancer cells can mutate, I'm angry at how many people I know in my same boat, I'm angry that I have to worry about the futures of my kids and husband; I love Huntsman, but I hate that it's my home away from home, and that my life as I know it depends on what happens there.  I'm angry.  I'M ANGRY.

I got a call from the study coordinator tonight.  He said he got an echo scheduled for me on Friday, but can't get the CT scan or brain MRI until the last week of September.  I can't start chemo again until I get that done, because part of the study is to start the standard protocol (Kadcyla) and the study drug at the same time. So he's telling me that there will be a 2 month break (Aug. 2nd to first week in October) until I can start chemo again, ... because of these tests?!?  I DON'T THINK SO.  I already have a tennis ball in my chest wall?!  I DON'T THINK SO.  Let's try again friend.  He'll get a message from me tonight.  That way he can hit the ground tomorrow morning tweaking my plan a bit.  Poor Dr. Buys!  I love that woman, but I don't have the "just sit around and wait" gene.

I was in Lindon tonight, visiting my Arizona cousin with inflammatory breast cancer.  Her family is relocating to South Dakota this week and she got the week off and is spending it with her Mom (my Moms youngest sister).  First of all, seeing my aunt made me a little teary because she looks so much like my Mom.  I miss my Mom, the Mom before dementia. I just really need her strength right now. 

We talked for about 4 hours about our experiences.  They are remarkably similar as far as the side effects and the emotional state goes.  She gets a bigger "angry card" than me though, because she also has MS and epilepsy on top of stage 4 cancer.  It was so great to talk and vent with her because she keenly understands the cancer thing.  I don't fully understand what she deals with everyday, juggling all the drugs she takes to manage 3 diseases.

We kind of joked about getting tattoos and nose rings, because ... why not?!  A tattoo on my left back side that hasn't been sliced open might be fun, or maybe I could tattoo the right behind cheek with a zipper along the scar (from my reconstruction 10 years ago)!  I can think of a few friends who would do it with me.  I can also think of a few friends I couldn't bring with me because they would make me laugh the entire time.  Wouldn't be a successful tattoo.

One thing that I want to make clear is this:

• The conversations I have with cancer friends is different than conversations I have with "healthy" friends.  That is simply because life experiences teach us different things, take us down different roads.  But I wholeheartedly believe that if you really get down to the nitty gritty, our trials are more similar than they appear on the surface.  Loss, confusion, betrayal, fear, isolation, sadness, contempt, anger, disappointment, etc.  So lets talk to each other and support each other in all we experience, because we all need love and acceptance to thrive!
• I don't want anyone to ever feel "afraid" to ask me how I am.  Sometimes I sense that people are holding back, afraid it might bring up emotions in me or whatever.  I have those overwhelming emotions whether or not you ask me how I am, so don't hold back.  Don't be afraid!  I want/have a deep need to talk and connect on more than the surface.  Not going to lie, my life feels really crappy right now, but if you're willing, we could talk about it and then move on to another subject.

THANK YOU for sending your prayers and faith to heaven, to the only One who can truly "fix" this.  Thank you for supporting our family through occasional meals, kids "hang outs" at your house, hugs in the neighborhood and long talks until the mosquitos come out and long after the sun goes down.  WE LOVE YOU!!!

Facebook rant

 I am really on one tonight. I'm SO MAD at cancer, I'm so mad I had so much visible progression in three months, I'm so mad that I have so many friends that suffer the same emotional, physical and spiritual battles I do, Every. Single. Day. There will probably be a blog update in a few hours. I have some venting to do, it's going to be authentic and real and honest. Buckle your seatbelts! Come along if you want to!