Somber Anniversaries

One year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Our  lives were turned upside-down, and while we felt shocked and overwhelmed, we felt comforted that everything would be OK in the end.  While not the hardest thing, but one of the harder things about this journey has been losing my hair.  The night of my first chemo treatment, my friend gathered my 10+ inch long red hair into ponytails.  I had the kids take turns cutting off the ponytails one by one.  I sent my hair to Locks of Love.  We got out the buzzers and my head was left shiny.  On the inside, I was weeping and mourning.  On the outside, I was strong and smiling because I had to be strong for my family.

People have said to me over and over again how strong I am and what an inspiration I have been.  Honestly, I don't think so.  I haven't done anything that anyone else wouldn't do.  Of course, it's all more bearable if you can smile along the way.  It was more bearable for me to "pretend" that my life was just as normal as it had always been.  I tried to just keep doing what I had always done.  Of course I had bad days.  I had days where I couldn't do anything but lay in a fetal position and sleep.  Chemo can really wipe you out!  But I also had good days.  I ran my first two half marathons this year, one was just two days before my last chemo treatment.  I intend to keep that up.  : )

I am six months out from my last chemo and my hair is still so short (but the red is returning!).  That is discouraging.  I was so self-conscious when I first lost my hair.  I always had a hat on and I would scan the crowds when we were out to see if there was anyone else that looked like me.  I got to where I didn't care and would go out with nothing, just shiny.  When people see a person with a shiny head, they know instinctively what is going on.  When I think about how long it might take to get a "hairstyle" again, it makes me sad, but all things will be restored in time.  My thanks to Becky, a cancer friend, who convinced me it was OK to wear baseball caps to church.  What a relief!

My physical healing is just about complete.  The emotional journey is just beginning.  The last two or three weeks have been difficult for me.  As the anniversary approached, I started to feel angry and sad about all that we've been through.  I'll never forget that Nov. 20th I got the "it's probably cancer" and on the 24th I got the official diagnosis.  I'll never forget that Dec. 14th I had my first mastectomy and reconstruction.  I'll never forget that I had more lymph nodes removed on Jan. 8th.  I'll never forget chemo started on Feb. 1st and ended May 17th.  I'll never forget I had my second mastectomy and reconstruction on November 15th. 

Since my diagnosis, I haven't allowed myself to feel anger.  I haven't allowed myself to ask why.  So, a couple of nights ago as I brushed my teeth and looked at my awkward hairdo in the mirror, I burst into tears and cried my eyes out for well over an hour.  It did me a lot of good, quite therapeutic actually.  I really needed to feel the emotions and let them go.

I've been knocked down, but I've gained way more from this experience than I have lost.  In the end, "Why me?" does me no good.  The better question is "Why not me?"  I have met so many incredible people through Cancer Wellness House, Young Survivor Sisters, through friends and acquaintences, and strangers showing their concern.  I have seen so many miracles on our behalf.  I have seen everything fall into place, dozens of people coming to our aid with exactly the right thing for that moment.  All of these things are all I need to know that God knows who we are and is ready to pour out the blessings when we need them the most.

I've had a scripture posted around our house for many months, reminding me daily of that very thing.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all  the will of the Lord.     - Mosiah 24:14-15

I don't know if this is the end of this blog.  It may be some time before I write another post.  In many ways, I want to put it all behind me and move on.  At the same time, we are changed forever.  My thanks and gratitude to everyone that has followed me on this journey.  You have strengthened our family and helped to make getting through this possible.  I can truly say that I am grateful for the experience, not that I am anxious to have more like it, but it has made us better people.  We love you!

Life is crazy!

A few weeks ago, I went to the Survivor Lunch that Komen SLC puts on every year.  I met a group from the Young Survivor Sisters group there, what a bunch of awesome women!  I am grateful I found this group, it's great to be able to talk to people who understand exactly what you're going through.  : )

I saw both my surgeons today in anticipation of surgery on Monday.  I mentioned to my plastic surgeon in passing that I was running a half marathon on Saturday.  She thought it best to put off the surgery a week so I can recover from the race before I have surgery to recover from.  The only problem is November 15th is the first day both surgeons can be there.  Argh.  It's OK, I have to do the half, and I'll be done with everything before the end of the year.

Mat and I went to our choir rehearsal tonight, and I left with my soul bursting with a love for choir music!  We are preparing for a concert in November, not sure of all the details yet, but I'll post them when I know.

I got the word today that our insurance has preauthorized me for a profilactic mastectomy (other side) and reconstruction.  I am so grateful!  That is what I've wanted all along, to have the other side removed.  Why would I want to keep it?!  My surgeon, in doing his job, told me I have a "slightly" higher chance of having cancer pop up there.  Like I want to risk that!  ANY chance of more cancer is too high, seems like a no-brainer to me.  The tissue will come from my backside this time.  : )  Surgery is October 18th.

Sitting in the choir seats

Friday night Mat and I sang with Utah Voices in the Tabernacle at Temple Square.  It was in celebration of Constitution Day, a very patriotic tribute to the greatest document in our country's history.  We sang some awesome songs that filled my soul with a renewed love for music!  I sat there in my seat in the choir loft and looked out over the packed house.  It brought back fond memories of when my parents were in the Tabernacle Choir years ago.  We'd come for concerts or the Sunday morning broadcast and I would wish I could be up there.  I made it!  : )

Friday before the concert, we went to a gallery stroll in South Jordan.  In the spring, when my head was shiny, I had my picture taken for a fundraiser for UCREW (Utah Cancer Resource . . . I forget).  It was amazing to see about 30 peoples pictures and their inspiring stories of how they have plowed through their ordeals.  It was so inspiring to see how people cope and thrive despite a cancer diagnosis!  Here is the picture of me, taken by a young professional photographer who has also been through cancer.  He did awesome! 

Long time, no report!

Thanks to my friend Annette who lives way in in Alaska.  She sent me the link to the first "Pink Glove Dance", which I watched over and over again.  Now, she's sent me a link to "Pink Glove Dance: The Sequel" which includes survivors and hospitals all over the country.  This one is just as cool and must be shared!  http://www.pinkglovedance.com/

My life is completely insane.  I never thought life could feel so busy, and mine hasn't felt like this for a long time.  But with school starting, Brooklyn in Kindergarten half a day, Isaac schooling at home and McKinley, our very sweet little person who likes to climb to the top of everything, and pull everything out of the cupboards and fridge that she can reach, life is busy.  It feels like I hardly get a chance to breathe during the day.

Mat and I joined a group called Utah Voices, directed by Mike Huff.  Oh my heck!  What a great experience!  After just two rehearsals, we have a concert tonight at the Tabernacle in Salt Lake for Constitution Day.  We are singing the coolest music and I can feel my soul being fed and healed.  I determined after I was diagnosed to rethink my life and put it back in alignment with my dreams.  One of my dreams is to sing in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir someday, and this is a great first step for preparing to do that.  I understand the show is sold out, I can't wait!  Pictures to come . . .

How cool is that?!

Camp Kesem: Children of Cancer Patients get a week of care-free, joyous living
(Deseret News, August 21, 2010)

EMIGRATION CANYON — The kids, more than 12 of them, are trying to tie themselves into a single knot, holding hands and laughing like crazy as they step over legs and duck under arms.  It's an exercise in joy, very unlike some of the knots they've been tied in by life.  This is Camp Kesem, a free weeklong summer camp for children who have or had a parent with cancer. The Hebrew word kesem means magic. And the magic here is that cancer does not get center stage. Childhood does.  It's also a place where the counselors not only volunteer but raise the money to pay for everything, relying heavily on the goodwill of individuals, their own ingenuity to come up with clever ideas to attract money and new skills such as grant writing.

BYU student Brian Hansen leads a camp song at Camp Kesem. 
The camp is for children of people who have or have had cancer.

It's about kids — the campers, who are ages 6 to 13, and the counselors who are college age but definitely kids at heart. Camp Kesem is a decade-old national organization with camps attached to 23 universities, says its national program director, Sigall Rave, who was visiting the camp for a couple of days. Rave and a colleague between them visit every camp every summer.

Spencer Ginther climbs onto Camp Kesem counselor Adam Johnson's

back during an activity for Camp Kesem on Thursday.

In Utah, it's Camp Kesem BYU, with all the counselors from BYU, except two who are now doing post-graduate work at the University of Utah. Founded at Stanford University, Camp Kesem not only reaches out to the kids, whose struggle with a parent's cancer is sometimes not well-understood or even noticed outside the family, but it gives the counselors the leadership skills that classrooms alone can't, Rave said.

"We are making a wonderful new group of leaders," she said.

For campers Jolly Rancher, Wolverine and Snoozers, it's all about having a grand time with great friends. In real life, they are Stephanie Held, 13; Brian Chase Raines, 10; and Kanyon Fox, 10. Here, though, both campers and counselors choose the names they want and bury themselves in delights like Snoozer's beloved "Ride That Pony" game or Wolverine's favorite pastime, swimming. He says he doesn't make friends easily at school, but here, he has so many friends.

Campers participate in an activity called the "human knot" at Camp Kesem on Thursday.

And at night, as they wind down, the campers discuss their days in playful terms that may become serious or not. Ask Jolly Rancher three things that would make life perfect and she answers a house that never gets dirty, living underwater and a day spent in the world of her favorite book or movie. Ask one of the children about heroes, though, and you might hear it's "my mom, but she died of cancer last year."

It's held at Camp Kostopulos, and the kids enjoy all that means, from the knotted ropes course to theater in the "bear den" yurt, arts and crafts, sports and swimming.  There are professional advisers, but mostly it's the kids and college-student counselors, who each underwent 30 hours of intensive training, countless sessions of "how will we raise enough money" and this year, with the economy tight, some hard decisions on how many kids they'd have to turn down.  In the end, says Ryan "Boo-yah" Willis, they took 40 and had to turn another dozen away.

Willis headed the recruiting, and they had reached their cap in two weeks. Pumpkin — actually BYU exercise physiology major Alicia Chidester — not only chaired this year's camp but did most of the grant writing, too. She knows all the kids by both their names, and if she slips and uses the real name, she has to kiss a tree. Monday, she kissed seven trees, but her lips have been bark-burn free for two days now.  Her uncle, counselor "Goose," aka Kyle Hartman, a science major, was a Scout whose mom had skin cancer. The camp's a natural fit for him, he says, and the joy comes in watching shy kids "bloom like a flower" by week's end.  Another counselor, Sully, aka Cameron Curtis, is back for a third year because it really is "kesem" or magic.  It's a camp with traditions, like the fact the male counselors let the boys shave their heads. Or the camaraderie and laughter that run nonstop.

For more on the camp or how to donate, visit www.campkesem.org/byu.

Camp Kesem - Day 3! Wild West Day

We are really missing the kids and enjoying how quiet it is around here!  You know how much easier it is to keep a house clean(ish) when there are only two kids here?!?  We've been working hard to get their bedrooms done while they are gone and have made good progress.  : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ5LZoHQXSQ

Kesem - Day 2!

More fun from Kesem!  Resolution isn't great, but you can see the kids.  : )  We miss them!

http://www.youtube.com/campkesembyu#p/u/4/zLkLBM4I1cc

Camp Kesem!

We dropped Maddie and Isaac off at Camp Kesem yesterday.  It is eerily quiet around here and we miss them, but I know they are having a great time!  Camp Kesem is a summer camp for kids who have a parent who has had cancer.  I am so glad I heard about it and got them registered!  We don't pick them up until Saturday and we can't contact them, so indulge me as I post anything I can from their Twitter page this week!  Here is the first video clip.  Watch closely and you'll see them both!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvwk871qes0

"Cancer survivors keep aspiring to reach new heights" - Salt Lake Tribune, August 15, 2010

Snowbird • Determination being a trait of cancer survivors, 79-year-old Naomi Sattelberg challenged herself Saturday to hike to the “Survivors at the Summit” celebration atop Hidden Peak from Snowbird’s base in less than four hours.  She beat her deadline, just as she has beaten breast cancer for the past 15 years.  “I’m slow and every year I get slower,” said the Olympus Cove resident, a regular at the annual Cancer Wellness House fundraising event, now in its 14th year.  But with moral support from friend Melissa Carter, Sattelberg pushed herself to make the 3,000-foot ascent on a bluebird late summer day.  “This [hike] shows that you need to take time to accomplish something challenging and to fight difficult things that come up,” she said, displaying an attitude common among the cancer survivors and family members assembled on the mountaintop. “Every year, it’s very touching.”

Fisher Goble, 9, provided the most touching moments Saturday. He read from “A Book About My Dad,” which he wrote and gave to his father, Ed, just before one of the nine surgeries Ed has undergone in the past year after being diagnosed with skin and kidney cancer (following a stroke).  “My dad is a very hard worker … My dad is very strong …My dad loves to hunt and fish … My dad, he is a fighter, a warrior and a survivor,” the Woods Cross boy said. “He has the heart of a champion. I love you dad. Love, Fisher.”

A mountain of a man who made a name for himself as an arm wrestler, Ed Goble was not the only one wiping away tears when his son finished.  “I walk around proud as a peacock with that book,” he said, supporting his weight with a cane as he went on to recite a lengthy poem about never giving up. Through it all, Goble added, he has learned “to appreciate every day, every minute, because all we have is time. When the kids want to go fishing for an hour, I take them fishing for an hour. Time is so important — what we do with it and who we spend it with.”  His message clearly resonated with a sizable crowd gathered on the peak, surrounded on three sides by nearly 1,000 fluttering yellow flags purchased on behalf of people touched by cancer.

Some flags bore the name of the famous — Utah businessman Larry H. Miller, singer Sheryl Crowe, cyclist Lance Armstrong, actor Patrick Swayze. Others named everyday people. A few simply paid homage to “Mom” or “Friends,” “Memories” and “Life.” Still others gave thanks, such as one to “All Who Are Working for a Cure.”

Kim Ulmer, 39, of Bountiful, spent part of the ceremony chasing after her toddler, McKinley, just 5 months old — the youngest of four children — when Kim found out she had breast cancer.  “Cancer changes your perspective and teaches you what’s important,” she said. “When I was diagnosed, I realized that all that mattered was my family. You think about what you’re spending your time on.”   The Cancer Wellness House helped Ulmer and her young family to come to grips with her disease, which seems to be in check now after chemotherapy treatment that ended in mid-May.

It also has helped Salt Lake City resident Val Callanan, who has lived with cancer for 12 years but recently lost a cousin to multiple myeloma.  “This is emotional,” said the frail but hardy white-haired woman. “It never gets easier. You’re just thankful for every day.”

Cancer survivor Ed Goble hugs his wife, Connie, while receiving a standing ovation from the "Survivors at the Summit" crowd after sharing the story of his fight to beat cancer. Goble and his family are involved in programs offered by Salt Lake City's Cancer Wellness House, sponsor of the 14th annual fund-raising hike to the top of Snowbird's Hidden Peak.  (I know Ed from the group I attend.  This was a very touching moment, my heart goes out to him and his family!!!)

Survivors at the Summit

We spent the weekend up at Snowbird.  It was AWESOME!  We went up for a fundraiser for the Cancer Wellness House, Survivors at the Summit.  The CWH has been such a great thing for us.  Mat and I have gone to the groups, gained many valuable insights and some good friends there, so we wanted to support them in this way.  The event includes a hike/tram ride up to Hidden Peak (11,000 feet elevation) where they have a Celebration of Life program.  They set up hundreds of yellow tribute flags, flags that have names and messages on them--what a sight!

Mat took Isaac, Brooklyn and McKinley up the mountain on the tram.  Mel and her family, me and Maddie decided to hike.  It's "only" three miles from the lodge to the peak.  However, I underestimated what an elevation gain of 2,500 feet would mean.  It was steep all the way up, a tough hike, but we did it!  Maddie was such a trooper.  She never complained or got upset, she just kept going with a determination that I've never seen.  We would stop and rest when it was needed, but it was amazing to see how she pushed through it.  : )  Here are some pictures:

Brooklyn and Isaac exploring the mountainside.

See how far we've come? 

This is on the Ridge Trail as we make our way to Hidden Peak.

My awesome family!  Just so you know, Brooklyn doesn't always look like dracula.  They were painting faces at the lodge and that is what she picked (naturally!).  We had a great weekend.  : )

Here's the link!

Thanks to Candace's husband who recorded the national anthem for the Tough Enough To Wear Pink night at Day's of 47 Rodeo.  It's a little blurry, but you will get the idea.  It was really fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oP0NNX7YFQ

40 feels just like 39

For my birthday, I wanted to take Mat on a date to the new Family History Library downtown.  They close at 2 p.m. on Saturdays.  What?!  So we sat at the fountain on the plaza and talked and watched people.  It was perfect!  Then we went to Epic in Midvale and got awesome salads because that is all we can afford at Epic.  : )  Kari and family came over for dinner and treats tonight, then Mat "serenaded" me for my birthday.  He sang "Grow Old With Me" by John Lennon, one of my favorite songs.  The family has been awesome today!

My hair is growing in earnest.  It's probably a quarter inch long and thickening up nicely.  But it's not the right color.  See my twin?  Her's is red.  Mine?  Kind-of dark blondish.  I expected really light hair in the beginning.  Now, I look at myself and I think "What?!  Where did that come from?"  Your hair is so much a part of who you are.  It was quite traumatic to have to shave it off, now I just want to be me again.  It will take so long before I will have something resembling a hair style.  Argh.  Hey--I've got hats!  : )

Missed the Mark

I have to post this picture because I think it is so funny.  I had Kari come last week to help me hang a vinyl saying on my wall.  I've never done it before, she's done lots, so she's the expert.  We found "center", got out the level, marked the wall, then she had me put my end on my mark.  When we pulled the tape off, this is what I found.

It's off!  I totally missed the mark!  How could I have done that?!  Now it is not level and it bugs me when I walk by it.  My life is like that sometimes.  I have this idea in my head of an "ideal" that is darn near impossible to achieve.  Reality is that so often I miss the mark.  I sleep too late, forget to bathe the kids consistently (forget about getting the hair combed!), eat junk food for lunch and frozen meals for dinner, forget to say my prayers, fall asleep in the middle of reading scriptures, etc.

I'm grateful we have each other because we certainly don't have it all together!

We had girls camp last week and I had a blast!  I was called as camp director with one month to prepare, so I didn't have a lot of time to stress over it, just to get it done.  I delegated a lot, thanks to all of you that helped to pull off a great time--our girls are awesome!  Thanks to all the moms who came up for your girls.  Piuta rocks!

Tough Enough To Wear Pink

I need to hurry because it's almost midnight, I seem to do my best work in the wee hours.  But I must report on the fun weekend I've had!  A group from Young Survivor Sisters will be singing the national anthem at Days of '47 rodeo on Tuesday (our 16th anniversary).  "Tough Enough To Wear Pink" is the theme for the night.  We've had a couple of rehearsals at my house and tonight we went to the E Center for the sound check.  There will be 10 or 11 of us singing, it will be AWESOME!  I fell apart when we started singing and hope like the dickens that I can get through it without tears.  So, you should all come see us make our public singing debut, I think it will make us famous.  I will post video here Tuesday or Wednesday.  : )

I got to go to dinner last night with a new friend from Mississippi.  Her name is Cindy, she is a friend of my friend Melanie.  Melanie told her about me and my blog and she has been a follower for the last few months.  She is going through chemo right now for metastatic uterine cancer.  She was so fun to talk to, with her southern accent and charm!  She is so positive, an awesome example of how great people get through really hard things when they have faith in God and His plan for us.  I have never heard of anyone with a more aggressive chemo regimen than hers, my thoughts and my prayers are with you Cindy.  Thanks for hooking us up Melanie!  It was awesome to get out and just be our bald selves.

Can you see me? I'm in there somewhere.

We went to MoTab's Pioneer Day concert tonight.  All I can say is, I love that group and someday I will be in it!!!  Be grateful you don't sit next to me because I sing all the songs I know under my breath, and bounce my knees and sway back and forth.  Imagine me . . . a hairless woman causing such a scene!  I had a great time embarrassing Maddie and Isaac and getting some giggles from Mat.  This year marks the 100th anniversary of the choirs recordings, so they sang many of the "classics".  Whenever I hear the choir sing "Battle Hymn of the Republic" I can hardly stand myself.  I just want to jump up and sing with them at the top of my lungs!  I'm pathetic, but I'm going to be in that choir someday.  : )  That song reminds me of my dad.  He sang for many years in the the choir back when his health was good.  We went to many concerts when I was growing up, that is when I grew to love that and many other songs.

This morning I got up early so I could go out and weed in the back yard.  I find great pleasure in early morning weeding sessions.  I get to sit and listen to how quiet everything is.  It's before the kids get up at our house and in the neighborhood, before the neighbors dogs are out barking, before there is much traffic and busyness.  We have lots of mourning doves in our neighborhood and I love to sit and listen to their peaceful songs.  I was contemplating this morning about how "simple" my life is now.  After you have had something like cancer (or any other life-altering crisis), it's real easy not to sweat the small stuff.  Suddenly, all that matters is the important stuff--the people in your life and God.  I've been amazed at how much more relaxed I am when I'm not killing myself working in other people's yards.  It's been awesome to see how my being calm trickles down to the family.  We are much more relaxed around here, it is an awesome feeling.

I decided to do a little business this year.  The economy is making sure that all I will get is a little bit, but I'd have it that way anyway.  I never want to get so crazy again that everything/everyone gets neglected.  I decided I will go back to school for a Masters, but not until I have all of the tuition saved.  It makes me sad to say it, but my kitchen will have to wait a little longer.  (sigh)

Total Slacker

That is what I am.  I just don't feel like I have much to report!  It feels like the side effects of chemo are behind me.  The only thing that might clue someone in to my cancer is my hair (or lack thereof!).  I started wearing my caps again because it is growing faster on top than it is around the sides.  I look like an army guy, not that I have a problem with army guys, I just don't want to look like one.  : )  I started taking the Tamoxifen a few weeks ago and I've had no problems with it.  Some people have dreadful side effects, I am grateful to tolerate it well.  It is the last thing on the list of  "doing everything I can" to prevent cancer from coming back.  Tamoxifen prevents estrogen from attaching to fast growing cells--estrogen was "feeding" my tumors, so that is an important last step.  Hooray!

McKinley just turned one, we took her today to get her pictures taken.  I must share!  She is so dang cute.

I had no intention of being in the pictures.  If I had known I would have ended up there, I would have worn a nice shirt, maybe put on some make-up!  I was trying to comfort her because she didn't like posing and getting attention from the picture lady.  How could I not order that picture?!?  Look at that face.  We love her!

I was called as the Girls Camp Director a couple of weeks ago.  Camp is on the 27th and lasts for 5 days, so I have a few things to figure out!  Maddie is really excited to have me there, this is her first year.  I feel a little overwhelmed, I am not a crafty person at all and I see what some of the other wards are doing.  Yikes!  I've been debating about whether I should come up with some grandiose theme and spend a bunch of money on decorations for the cabin and other stuff.  I'm not sure.  I'd rather spend the money on snacks and s'more stuff.  That is more my style.  : )

My "New Normal"

I went to the retreat in Park City this weekend put on by the Image Reborn Foundation.  What an amazing opportunity to meet and bond with 10 other women from all over the country who have been through what I've been through!  I felt like I was 14 again, staying up ridiculously late chatting and laughing my guts out!  Sheila and Donna from Image Reborn pampered us and made us feel so special.  The first thing Donna said to us was, "OK, let's go over the ground rules.  You aren't to lift a finger the entire weekend!"  That was the only rule.

We had speakers (as well as massage therapists and the 'facial' ladies) come in and talk to us all three days.  One of them helped me to see that my "new normal" is what I am/what I look like right now.  It's OK to be where I am, with a bald head and lots of scars. I have struggled a little bit because of that. I've just wanted to feel and look "normal" again. But it's all good.  I can't change the last 7 months, in fact, I wouldn't!!!  I know that this is part of my life's journey that needed to happen because I needed to learn.  I've learned so many things I would never have been able to without breast cancer.  I have come to peace with that. 

McKinley had her first birthday last Friday!  I remember thinking early on that I would be finished with the hard stuff when her birthday rolled around, and it felt like the day would never come.  It feels good to be here!  Happy Birthday McKinley!

More milestones . . .

I am happy to report that I am "port-free"!  On Monday, I went to IMC and had my port removed.  It's kind-of gross to think about, but here's a picture.  : )

Here we are waiting . . . and waiting, to be taken downstairs for the procedure.  Mat was happy about the waiting part.  The World Cup was on.  Can you see my hair?!?

That little thing was just below my collar bone on the right side, right under the skin.  I hesitated asking the PA doing the procedure if I could have it.  It is kind-of gross, it is "technically" a biohazard, but I knew the kids, especially Isaac, would love to see it.  : )  When I asked if I could keep it, she said, "Of course you can!"   My oncology nurse would stick a needle into the center of the port for the chemo drip.  The tube was fished into a vein that led to my heart.  I was grateful to have it as it saved me a lot of grief with IV's in my only good vein in the arm I have left.  But I'm glad that bump is gone.  Now that I've documented it, it's going in the trash!  : )

I also want to report that I have teeny, tiny eyelashes beginning to grow.  You have to look really close, but they are there!  I am so happy to have things returning to normal!  I've felt really good and have been able to get so much done with the energy I have.

I took Brooklyn to her play therapy session on Monday.  She was really nervous, but relaxed toward the end.  I think this will be a great thing for her!  I want nothing more than for her (and the others) to feel safe and confident that everything is fine.  We have another appointment on Monday.

Tender Mercy

Brooklyn has had a really hard time lately.  About every other day, she cries hysterically and tells us she feels like she needs to vomit (this has been going on for quite a while).  It happened several times yesterday.  Not knowing what else to do, I made an appointment at KidsCare.  I want her to know that I care about how she's feeling and will do what I can to help her feel better!  I felt fairly confident that her suffering wasn't nausea at all, but stress related to my cancer.

The doctor was awesome!  I told her what Brooklyn's symptoms were and (in code) that I thought this was all more likely caused by stress over my illness than a virus, and she agreed.  She talked to both of us for a long time, she showed genuine interest in Brooklyn and concern for her well-being.  The doctor was a complete stranger to us, we had never seen her before.  I was so impressed!  She suggested I see if I could find a "play therapist" to help her work through her feelings.  Through a friend in the field, I was able to set up an appointment for Monday.  What a blessing!  Thanks Kathy!

I am feeling really good!  I feel like I am trying to make up for lost time, with my daily lists of things to do and my drive to accomplish as much as possible.  : )   Mat has been a great support as we take turns getting things done.  We're making good progress on our projects around the house, it will be a productive summer for us.  Happy Fathers Day to Mat and all you dads out there!!!

Milestones

One of my regular readers asked me today if I was done with the blog.  It's true, I am not as consistent as I was when I was going through surgeries and treatments.  Frankly, I'm amazed I had something to say just about every day!  I will keep blogging when there are important / interesting things to report.  I've been thinking about all of the emotions that came with my diagnosis.  I just went back and read some of my early entries, I am amazed and speechless!  All I can say is my heart is full of gratitude tonight, I feel so blessed to have gone through what we've been through!  My perspective and priorities have changed, my testimony has been strengthened.  We now have a better idea of what we can do to help others when there is a need, because so much has been given to us.  We are better people today than we were when all of this started.  I think Heavenly Father gives us what we need, when we need it (whether we think so or not!) and is there to help us through the hard times if we will open the door.  One of my favorite gospel pictures is of Christ, standing at the door, knocking.  I have loved this picture since I was a kid.  I understood it back then, that He is there ready to help us, but we have to open the door!  What a blessing!

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.     Revelations 3:20

Tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of my first surgery, and this week marks one month from my last chemo.  No wonder I feel so GREAT!!  I don't really need naps during the day anymore, my energy is coming back, I'm making bread again, I've been able to work in the yard, and I'm training for another half marathon.  Today at church, someone said to me, "You have more fuzz than you did last week!"  Even my hair is filling in enough that people notice.  : )  So, all I want for Christmas is a HAIRDO!  Love to you all!

A Sense of Normalcy

I don't have a lot to report right now.  Life is getting back to normal, I guess a new normal?  I kind-of miss having consistent, daily contact with friends and family.  You all have made such a difference for us!  When I think of all the things that came together for us, all I can feel is gratitude.  : )  So many people have made such a profound difference, in bringing together exactly what we needed when we needed it.  Totally amazing to see it all in action!

My last chemo was two weeks ago.  Occasionally I have a twinge of sadness over the appearance of my head and lack of eyebrows and eye lashes.  Occasionally, I feel a twinge of sadness when I think about what we have all been through the last six months!  But then I remember the miracles and none of it matters.  Early on, I didn't really understand how the screenings would work after all of this was done.  I thought I should insist on a bone scan, at least every six months, so that if anything decided to show up, we'd be right on top of it.  My oncologist explained to me that since all of the cancer was removed in the surgeries and the chemo has taken care of any floaters there might have been, we can safely assume that I am cured!  So, I have felt some relief since my treatment.  All of my energy and focus is on my family, my goals/our goals, having a great summer and doing lots of fun things together.

My sister, Mel, coerced me into another half marathon, the Cedar Canyon Half on September 18th.  Anyone interested?!  Ha, ha, ha!  NO Pressure!!!

Yeah!

I had my very last Neupogen shot today!  I am so grateful for that and for those that have come to give them to me.  Laurie and Natasha have been awesome--and patient, on the days I forgot it was time for them to come and wasn't home!  Thanks for doing that for me so I didn't have to stick myself!!!  Sixty six shots in all, almost $20,000 worth (THANK HEAVENS for great insurance!), and that doesn't include the cost of the chemo or its administration.  : )  Wow.  I wonder what they put in these things?!?

Despite me being so tired, we've had a good week.  We had our friends over on Friday.  I overheard Brooklyn suddenly tell all the kids, "My mom doesn't have cancer anymore!"  I think she absorbed Mat's explanation and my demonstration with the leaf.  I hope she will feel better and sleep better knowing that.  I hope everyone sleeps better knowing that!  She asked me yesterday why, when we go to the dentist, they don't have a drawer for the grown-ups where they can pick out purses and other stuff.  I love what kids come up with!  : )

Isaac loves to read!  He constantly thinks about the stories he's reading and loves to tell us all about them.  He brought home a paper from school this week titled "All About Me!".  It is an outline for a paper they are working on at school.  The three catagories he chose to write about are his dreams, his favorite sports and his favorite things to do.  His dreams are to be come an author, a librarian and a celebrity.  Awesome!  His favorite sports are football, soccer and baseball.  We play all of those at home, even the littlest among us.  His favorite things to do are play video games *sigh*, read and people watch.  I love to watch people!  I didn't know that about him!  I am so glad I've slowed down and I'm more involved and paying more attention to the small details.  Of all of the kids, I think Isaac has benefitted the most from me being home all the time.  He smiles more, is more relaxed and spends more time "hanging" with the fam.  My business took a lot out of all of us and I am grateful to be able to take this year off.

I asked the big kids to help me with some weeding yesterday.  The rain just hasn't worked around the days I feel good, and I am a fair weather gardener!  The backyard is a disaster, there is so much to do.  When I get Isaac out to help me, he'll do it, but it's probably his least favorite thing to do.  Maddie grunts, but she's more willing.  We went out and got started and were able to talk a long time about all kinds of stuff.  The others were distracted with a project, so it was just me and her.  It was awesome!  After we came in, she said, "That was fun to talk and stuff."  I learned that when you want your kids to open up and talk to you about what is going on in their lives, WEED together!

I've been thinking about the half marathon last week.  The hardest part of the race was the last 4 to 5 blocks.  I could see the finish line, but it felt like I would never get there.  When I was diagnosed, I was so overwhelmed by everything that needed to happen to make me well again, all the things in my life that would need to change, the help I would need to learn to accept and the complete inadequacy I felt depending on spiritual strength I didn't think I had.  I had a hard time believing then that I would be where I am today--at the end of treatments (I've heard from many that the emotional stuff could still come).  I think our lives are like that too.  We cruise along and things are going great and something happens, a crisis, that helps us remember why we are here and who is in charge.  This morning we were listening to the choir broadcast.  They sang "How Firm A Foundation", which I love, especially since Mac Wilberg spiced it up so fantastically!  The very last verse goes like this:

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

Websters says 'repose' means "being at rest; peace; tranquillity; calm; dignified calmness, as of manner; composure".  That is exactly how I feel!  Even though this has been tough, this has been a blessing.  My spirit has been strengthened and I have felt His love.  We all have definitely felt His love.

Tonight, Mat took Brooklyn for a walk around the block.  He said he just wanted to get outside for a few minutes and she was the only one available.  I believe he was prompted to take her because while they were walking, Brooklyn asked him if I still had cancer.  He explained the best he could what it meant to have my "last chemo" and what that meant for the cancer cells.  I know she has worried a great deal about it lately.  Often at bedtime, she will come tell me she has a tummy ache, or a head ache, or her elbow hurts . . .  Thanks to the counsel of a good friend, when she has an ailment, we get her blanket and wrap up on the couch and talk about random stuff.  We'll make plans for the next day or talk about the funny things that happened that day, often all she needs is some love.

Sometimes I struggle with how the kids have to deal with all of this too.  It's one thing for me to have to come to grips with, but they don't have enough life experience to understand exactly what is going on.  I understand why crappy things happen to good people.  I've learned a great deal from all of this and am grateful for the experience!  But it is really difficult for me to watch the kids try to make sense of it all.

I sat with Brooklyn tonight and tried to explain what it meant to have my last chemo.  I took a leaf from outside and tore a tiny peice off.  I explained that cancer started out really small, like the tip of the leaf, but it grows really fast and turned into a leaf like this.  That is why the doctors had to take it out.  Then, I explained that sometimes tiny cancer floats around in your blood, and that is why they do chemo.  The chemo kills the cancer cells that float around.  I explained that my doctor decided that 8 treatments was enough to kill the tiny cancer that might be in my blood.  I hope I didn't confuse her more.  Maybe it will open up more opportunities to talk and reassure the kids.  In all this time, that is the first question any of them have asked us.

Mat and I went to our support groups at the Cancer Wellness House tonight.  The social worker asked me how it is to sit and listen to people talk about recurrences.  I told them that I was impressed with how positive they are and how matter-of-fact they are about their treatments.  They have accepted "what is" and do the best they can to get through it.  I admitted that I had been thinking today about recurrence.  I've considered going back to school for a Masters.  I've always wanted to do it and have looked into some programs recently.  Today, that thought crept in . . . "I can't go back to school, what if cancer comes back!"  I was reassured by a couple of women there that a diagnosis doesn't determine what you can accomplish in your life.  One woman with a rare form of ovarian cancer was given no more than a year to live.  That was 21 months ago.  She mourned, after her diagnosis, not being able to go back to Europe again.  She flies out on June 6th for a three week trip to France.  Another woman with terminal kidney/lung cancer told me that she applied for her dream job just before she was diagnosed.  When she got the interview, she told them up front that she would need some sick leave for her treatments.  They gave her the job anyway and she worked for a year before she had to quit.  She never regretted taking the job, even for a short time, because she had always wanted to do it.

Through other trials and this one, I have felt strongly that Heavenly Father is well aware of me and my family.  I know that my cancer was no accident.  I have learned a great deal from this experience that I could not have learned any other way.  We have seen so many miracles and received so many blessings from so many people.  We love you all!

my last chemo

I honestly never thought that this day would come.  I had my 8th and last chemo treatment yesterday.  I remember feeling so overwhelmed in February when I was just starting.  I felt so awful and didn't know if I could do it!  But I have, with the help from my family and so many friends!  Maddie got to come with me this last time.  Each of the kids got to come with me once.  I wanted them to see what the nurses did and meet my doctor.  I wanted them to see that I am in good hands and they are taking good care of me.  I have to admit that I wanted to do something crazy, like a cartwheel, on the way out of the building.  A giant load has been lifted from my shoulders.  I've been told by others that I will feel better and better and the days and weeks go on, that I will feel like my old self again.  Can't wait for that!

There it is, my empty Taxol bag! 

I've met many friends along the way that have changed my life, friends that are still going through what I've been through.  My heart and prayers go out to you everyday!  I am so grateful for what I have learned from you, and I hope in some way I can be a strength to you as well!  All my love!

Standard Examiner

Two Ogden event runners
also battling cancer

OGDEN - For Kim Ulmer and Nick Raitt, Saturday's 10th annual Ogden Marathon was more than a competition against the field, it was a race with a cause against a menacing foe--cancer.

Little did Ulmer know of the challenge that loomed on the horizon when she signed up for the half marathon in early November.  Before the month was out she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  "I decided that I was not going to let it take me out and that I was going to continue to prepare for the race."

During the months leading up to the marathon, Ulmer has undergone chemotherapy -- with the last one scheduled for Monday -- and has had to modify her training.

"I'm a runner, but I had to do more walking as part of my training because of the chemo.  I was still able to run a lot of it (half marathon), and made it with the encouragement of my sister, Mel Escandon, who was beside me all the way pushing me.  My goal was to finish under three hours, and I was so excited when I crossed in 2:57."

Having accomplished her target time, Ulmer is equally optimistic about her challenge and battle with cancer.  "I figure that if I can do this while going through chemo, I can beat cancer," Ulmer said.  "I hope people will see this as an awesome opportunity of helping others become aware of cancer."

Raitt's approach to the marathon was similar, but with a little different twist.  He organized the Wacky Warriors, supporters with the vision of drawing attention to cancer among young adults, and to have fun in the process.  In 2007, at the age of 18, Nick was diagnosed with a rare soft tissue cancer.  After 28 radiation treatments and two surgeries, the cancer went into remission, but two years later it returned with a tumor in his pancreas.

Additional chemotherapy and radiation treatments, more surgeries and hospital stays have been commonplace for Raitt, but because of the effect it had on his quality of life, he chose to stop all treatments and today has no evidence of the disease.

"What keeps me going is the fact that I can do something to change this," Raitt said.  "If I can be a part of the solution, and help other cancer survivors along the way, then I will do whatever I can to raise awareness and help change people's views on cancer."

Now that some months have past since my diagnosis, my perspective has changed dramatically.  In the beginning I was overwhelmed by what we would be facing and overcome with emotion.  I am so grateful that my faith and time have taught me to think differently.  One of the most important lessons I've learned is that, even when things look grim, we can be optimistic.  I believe strongly that my optimism comes through my faith in Christ.  I decided early on that I wanted to keep living my life as normally as possible.  That is why I pushed through the pain of training and running that dang race.  : )

Half Marathon!

There were 30 people in matching shirts that had my motto:

You will never know how strong you are until you have been in a fight with yourself!

Cool picture huh?  It was way too early in the morning!

We did it!  I can't walk tonight, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, but we all finished the race.  Mel (my sister), Kara (high school friend) and I came in at 2 hours 55 minutes (my goal was under 3 hours).  I have to say that the last 4 blocks were the hardest for me.  I could see the finish line, I could see all those people on the sidelines, but my knees and my hips hurt so bad.  Three of my siblings did the race with me and the other three were at the finish line with their families.  My mom came too, it was great to all be there together!  I had so many friends come and do the race or meet us at the finish line.  THANKS to everyone that came today to support me and my family.  Here are a few pictures . . .

Running toward the canyon in beautiful Ogden Valley where I grew up.

Two awesome friends, Esther and Colleen--thanks for coming guys!

THE FINISH LINE!  Me, Mel and my friend Kara crossed it together!  I hope I can get pictures of everyone in our group as they crossed over the line!

My brother, Jeff and his wife Jeri, crossing the finish line!

My crazy siblings who participated in the race.  I wonder if they all feel the same way I do tonight?!

Jeri, Jeff, Me, Kari and Mel

Friends from high school, Marilee and Kara (came from Atlanta!) and my sister Kari.

Mel kicked my behind today.  She encouraged me the whole way.  I felt like I was slowing her down, but she refused to go on without me.  Thanks Mel!

After we crossed the finish line, a reporter from the Standard Examiner approached me and asked if he could ask me some questions.  I'm learning that when you do things like run crazy races and you look like I do, you tend to get noticed.  My mom will watch for the story and I'll put it on here.  : )

When I was running Race for the Cure on Saturday, I was about a mile from the finish line when I heard a voice behind me say, "If she can do it, I can do it!"  I chuckled to myself and kept running (a term I use lightly, as I don't really run, I jog really slowly).  "Sheesh!"  I thought.  "It's only three miles!!!" 

I've had the opportunity through this cancer journey to meet so many people that I wouldn't have met to otherwise.  Some people are younger than I am, some have kids younger than mine, some I've met have a "scarier" diagnosis than me, but I've been amazed at the faith and peace they exhibit as they face their cancer like I've tried to faced mine.  I went to the Wellness (support) group meeting at the Cancer Wellness House tonight.  There was a new member of the group, so we all went around to introduce ourselves.  When it was my turn, I gave my name and said, "I have breast cancer? . . . I had breast cancer?  I'm not exactly sure what my status is!"  Am I cured?  Am I in remission? 

It is very strange to be going for my last chemo on Monday.   Up to this point, I've known exactly what I needed to do to get to this point, although early on I was sure this day would never come.  I've focused on very little besides my family and my cancer for the last 6 months.  What do I do now?  I hope that I can give the same way people have given to us.  My heart feels like it will burst when I reflect on the miracles we've seen through all of this!  All I want to do is pay it forward.  I want to be there for people the way so many people have been there for us.  I was talking to a friend in the ward tonight (I won't put her on the spot).  I invited her to our party on Sunday.  She said, "But I feel like I haven't done anything for you."  I reminded her that just after my diagnosis, she made me two rice bags that I can put in the microwave to warm up and keep my feet warm when I go to bed.  My feet are always icy-cold in the winter.  I can't tell you how many times I've climbed up on the bathroom cabinet so I could run hot water over my feet before I went to bed!  She didn't know it, but she solved my feet problem.  : )  With that said:

We're having a "THANKS to you ALL!" and
 Celebrating my last chemo!  Party on Sunday, the 16th.  Please bring a potluck dish to share if you can.  If you can't, come anyway!  Bring your kids!  The weather will be awesome, they can play outside!

News Story / Party Reminder!

I just figured out how to get to the video for last night's news story.  Go to http://www.abc4.com/, click on Videos, and then on "Thousands gather for Race for the Cure".   There I am.  : )

Just a reminder that next Sunday, May 16th we are celebrating the end of my chemo road!  We are having a potluck party, from 6:00 until whenever.  Bring whatever you want, but don't feel like you have to bring something if you don't have time.  Last time we had tons of food and had a blast!  We hope to have LOTS of people, please come!

Race for the CURE!

Oh my heck, what a blast we had today!!  I'm just going to post a few pictures because it's late.  Channel 4 News interviewed me today and I was on their story at 10 p.m. about the race!  They showed me twice!  If I can get the video link for it, I'll post it here.  : )

My awesome family, my sister Mel, and my friend Esther.  A good looking group!

At the starting line, isn't that amazing!

This is Reese, I met her a couple of months ago at a Young Survivor Sister meeting.  She is 29 years old and a fighter!  She is amazing.

This is Whitney, I met her at a Young Survivor Sister lunch a while back.  She is awesome too, I've met so many great people through all of this!

This is another great lady, Pilar ("Pea-lahr", I don't know how to spell her name).  I met her at the Cancer Wellness House.  Her daughter goes to Mat's school, so there was an instant connection!  : )

There was an ocean of people in the plaza watching the Survivor Parade.  So cool!

This was very touching--the survivors parade. I've done the race a couple of times before but never had a reason to stay for this. All of the survivors paraded in through the crowd and up to the steps behind the Gateway.

My awesome family, my sister Mel, my friend Esther and her sister Mish.  Mat and all the kids came and did the race with me.  Maddie and Isaac walked the whole thing, Mel carried Brooklyn the last two miles, and I ran about the last 1 1/2 to 2 miles.  It made me so happy!