A lot of people assume that before you get cancer, or you discover it a second time, that you must feel sick somehow. That's the crazy thing, you don't feel sick - at least not with mine. You just find a lump on a random day, and then your life turns upside down! Looking back, there was one clue something was going on, but since I decided years ago that I wasn't going to spend my life worrying about it coming back, I just didn't. So when it did--and it did in a big way--it's turned our lives upside down.
Tomorrow, I go in for my first chemo. I'll go into it feeling fine and come out of it feeling nauseated and exhausted, "poisoned". "Not sick" to "Sick." Crazy, right?
I just have to be honest here, because it needs to be processed and dealt with just like everything else. The hardest part for me is to think about what I might miss. The milestones in our family--anniversaries, weddings, missions, graduations--you know, the big stuff. I've always pictured getting old and going gray, being SO HAPPY to be a grandma. I've always pictured us being like the Boes'. They go on walks around our neighborhood nearly every day. I want to be like Louise, who at the tender age of 92, still loves her flower garden and wants it to look nice. I want to be like Paul, who passed away this week at 85. He was SO HAPPY when we moved back to Bountiful. I got a bear hug every time I saw him. He stayed active until the very end. I'll spend the day in my chemo recliner, and have to miss his funeral. I want to be a cheerful old lady with a zest for people and life and gardens! I haven't given up on my dreams, I'll never give up on my dreams. I'm going to do everything I can to make my dreams come true.
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