This has knocked the wind out of me. I don't know how to be OK. I don't know how to have hope. I don't know how to come to grips with this, how to accept and be OK with it. Last time I did cancer, there was an end. There were 8 treatments that would end on this date. I had one tumor and one lymph node with trace evidence of cancer that were removed. Chemo was a "just in case there's any floaters" scenario, because I was young. This time, there is no end in sight. This is my life, my new normal. Please pray with me that acceptance and resilience will come and my "happy" will come back.
A raw, honest account of how I choose to live with stage 4 breast cancer
Friday, December 1, 2017
Stage 4 SUCKS!
For the last 3 months, I've been in a deep depression. I do better when I'm out and around people. I can't function when I'm home. Every dirty dish or pile of junk overwhelms me to the point that all I can do is sleep on the couch or watch TV. Every meal overwhelms me, I don't like eating anything. I feel bad for my kids who haven't seen "me", or what used to be me, since this diagnosis. I don't have the energy to engage, help with homework, give guidance or be happy. Poor Mat is as overwhelmed as I am, but he has a 60+ hour a week job plus the Christmas performances on top of it all.
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Your last comment about your happy coming back reminded me of a poem I wrote a few years back. Maybe it will strike a chord with you.
Take Back My Happy
I'm afraid of the dark - when it's inside of me.
Howling and growling - like a bear clawing free
Of a cage of my making,
My strength is its strength-
Such a fight - I'm shaking
But the light grows at length
Though weak at first -
The glow gives me courage
To take back my happy!
Once pushed to the ledge -
Teetering-a sacrifice
To the dark, hungry beast
Consuming my soul-
My light its feast.
I gather my joy,
Every glowing ember
An army of one -
Every ray I remember.
Back in your cell - whatever cost!
To take back my happiness lost!
I hope this offers comfort. You are not alone in your Gethsemane.
Oh Kim. I have hope for you... I have faith in our Father God that he will walk with you every moment of every day. My prayers will be unceasing for your complete healing. Remember our Father loves you more that you Or I can ever understand, you are His child, you are a child of God. He will never abandon you, never.
When you are in despair, close your eyes and feel His touch, and the hands of those who you have loved, on you, blessing you with Love and Light. I believe that they are all there, right there next to you, carrying you when you are weak.
Our thoughts are with you always. Greg & Janet Buehler
Thank you Colleen and Janet for your words of encouragement! I need to rely more on Gods help and strength. I need to believe that God can work miracles, and that He has me cradled in His hands. Thank you for this reminder. Love you both!
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