A Letter to my Kids

Being a parent is more than a little bit overwhelming.  You have all the best intentions when you start, you want to do everything “perfectly.”  You never think you’ll make mistakes, you never intend to make mistakes!  You have a long list of things you want to do to enrich your children's lives.  You want to teach them everything they need to know to be safe, happy, and successful in life.  You want your kids to know how much you love them, how much Heavenly Father loves them-because after all, you are HIS, you are just on loan from HIM.  God trusted us enough to send you to us.  For that, I am eternally grateful!

My patriarchal blessing says this about you:  “Some of the most choice of the spirit children of our Father will be entrusted to your care, that you may teach them and guide them through childhood and youth to be faithful in the Kingdom of our Father in their adulthood.”  These are words from GOD to me about you.  You were reserved to come to earth at this time for God’s special purpose.  HE has a purpose for you and your job is to keep the commandments and follow HIM, so HE can direct you in the direction HE envisions for you.  

As Gods children, you have been promised by HIM that HE will always be there for you.  He loves you dearly and wants only your happiness in this life and in the life to come!  You can turn to HIM in every hardship, in every trial, in every challenge, in every decision you make.  Trust HIM to lead you on the paths that will bring contentment in life and eternal happiness in the life to come! If you could see yourself the way GOD sees you, you would be amazed at your potential!  You are a spiritual force to be reckoned with.  Never forget this!  You have been blessed with all the tools you need to overcome the most difficult trials, and to live the most fulfilling life.  Heavenly Father has made that promise to you.  I pray every day that you will find and realize these blessings.

I love you more than anything!

Faith vs. Fear

Have you seen that Studio C skit "uh nuh, I DON'T DO MORNINGS!"  That's how I've been feeling this week.  My chemo was scheduled for 7:10 this morning.  I really don't do mornings because I don't sleep very well.  I called Infusion several times this week to see if there were any cancellations so I could come in later.  Nope!  My friend Cari came with me today.  She graciously rearranged her schedule to accommodate the early morning, and I'm so glad she did.

I've thought so much about what I can control and what I can't.  I've pondered the alternative treatments I hear about regularly, and the ones I have learned about on my own.  It gets a little overwhelming and I struggle to know what to do.  So many websites, so many promises!  I get a little anxious having so many things to consider (FEAR).

As I talked to Cari about it this morning, she said (paraphrasing) "God is the only one who knows what will work for you.  If there's something you want to consider, after studying it out in your mind, go to Him.  He will tell you what to do!"  I tend to study things out in my mind and then make my own decision.  "I got this, Heavenly Father. I can handle it..."  She promised me if I would ask, He will tell me what I should do (FAITH).

After she dropped me off at home, I laid down because the kids weren't home from school yet.  Because I was laying still and paying attention, I noticed two new common side effects of these drugs.  I can feel tingling in my toes (neuropathy) and my hips are achey (bone pain).  Neither one is bad, but it's the cumulative effect of the drugs in my body.  Did I make a mistake in going this route? No way.  I have NO regrets.

The Turn Around

I have one amazing group of friends, you have all helped me a great deal today!  I've done a little more crying, a lot of talking and processing, and even laughed some!  

Many, many thanks to my friend Mary who felt inspired to knock on the door to see if I wanted to go with her to get a few things.  What she didn't know what the kind of night/day I had had, and I absolutely needed to get out.  It did me a world of good!

Geri pulled in as Mary pulled away.  She helped me clean up the kitchen, start a load of laundry, do the dinner prep, and then she stayed and talked to me for a while.  I appreciate her kind, wise words that helped me remember there MUST BE BALANCE in all things, and there's not one diet, supplement, mindset, voodoo doctor, or anything else will cure my cancer.  

For several weeks, Esther has been on my calendar for tonight.  We live blocks away from each other, but her busy life meant tonight was her first free night.  We went to Royal India and had our favorite dishes, Chicken Coconut Curry and Malai Kofta!  And then we talked for two hours about the blessings of teenagers.  We will never reveal our secrets! 🤐  She's been a great friend for many years (since our oldest daughters were in Kindergarten together).  

A million thanks to all of you, my friends who read  my rantings and love and support me anyway.  I love you all and could not get through this without your insights and concern! 

Just for the Vent of It

I feel extreme gratitude for the people that have come to help me!  Geri called and got a grocery shopping list and took care of that for me.  Bonnie came and did AromaTouch.  I always smell so good after getting all those essential oils rubbed on my back!  My visiting teachers planned a game night for me and the other sister they visit.  We played three games I'd never played, including Yahtzee.  True, I've never played Yahtzee!  Hasn't it been around forever?!  I liked all the games we played, the snacks we had, and friendships we nurtured.

I try to go to the temple every week, because I have the time, and me and my family really need the blessings!  Everyone has situations in family life that cause a great deal of concern, I'm no different.  I sat for a long time in the celestial room, pondering and praying about the things that have happened during the last week.

I thought about my friend that I mentioned last week.  I thought about how unjust/unfair it was to say all those rotten things to me.  But then it occurred to me that she was only willing to be my friend if I would do what she wanted me to do.  There's no doubt now that we'll never be friends again, she's made that quite clear.  That's OK.  I feel bad for our kids, though.  They played together almost every day, but not in the last week.

There's one other thing thats been weighing heavily on me lately.  Like I said last week, there are so many theories and diets and supplements out there, all promising to cure cancer.  It gets really overwhelming!  You look things up on the internet, but there's no way to know what's really true.  After I got through treatment the first time, I crashed emotionally.  It's like Cancer PTSD!  I didn't understand why I, when I was in the best shape of my life, and had always been pretty careful about food, would get cancer!  I was doing all the right things!  So, I started reading.  The first book I read post-cancer last time is called "The Cancer Survivor's Guide: Foods That Help You Fight Back."  It was my first real introduction to why eating a vegan diet can be beneficial.  I believed then and believe now everything I read in that book-it's common sense.  I've collected a lot of really great vegan recipes over the years.

My cancer fight this time is, literally, life and death.  I have this hate/hate relationship with food because I know what I know about it.  It kinda makes me mad that I feel like I can't just eat "normal" food, the way everyone else does.  It makes me wonder why EVERYONE in America doesn't have cancer!  I feel so conflicted when I eat something that isn't strict vegan.  Maybe the occasional indulgence will make a difference in my long term survival?  Am I making a choice about living or dying every time I open my mouth?!  That's a lot of pressure, but that's the message on so many websites.  Maybe I'm feeling a little guilty for having Mat thrust into an unimaginable situation, having to face the possibility of navigating family life without me.  I can't stand it.  I think I'll eat some (vegan) chocolate.

Looking for a title but I can't find one.

I've had a good week, even though I haven't posted much.  Here are the highlights:  I visited one of my favorite people, Louise, my 92 year old friend.  She had been on my mind for a couple weeks, and I finally got up there to see her.  She lives a couple of blocks away, I grew to love her because she used to drive down the street and honk at me when I was working in the front yard.  She would always stop and talk to me for a few minutes, never in such a hurry that she had to be quick about it either!  She loves gardening like I do, so she was always curious about what I was working on.

The warm weather and sunshine this week has done me so much good.  It makes me wish we had a yard I could go putter around in ... I have people offer me their yards all the time!  As I sit on my bed doing the blog, I can hear the storm blowing in.   It is January and we do need some snow, so I'll take it.  But I'll be ecstatic when I start to see signs of spring.

What should her name be?

Yesterday my friend Sharla brought me this and invited me to go to lunch with her!  She knows I love succulents, and I love the creative container!  We went to the Kathmandu for Indian food--one of my favorites!  I need to figure out how to make butter chicken.  :)

Tomorrow will be my 14th chemo.  I have a couple great friends splitting the day with me tomorrow.  Thanks Regena and Marie!  I expect things will go exactly as they're supposed to.  I meet with my oncologist too and hopefully we get the next scan on the schedule, which we can only assume will be good news!

When you have been diagnosed with a disease, such as cancer, people want to help any way they can.  Some give advice about "this supplement" or "that drink" or "this diet" or whatever.  I totally get it!  When my brother was diagnosed with Glioblastoma (an aggressive brain tumor), I felt desperate to tell him what I thought he could do to prolong his life.  We didn't want him to die.

When does that "need" to help go too far?  One of my close friends is totally anti-chemo, which is totally fine!  No one has to do anything they don't want to do, and she would never do chemo if she faced cancer.  Just after my diagnosis, I questioned whether I wanted to do chemo again.  I struggled to cram in as much information as I could about alternative treatments, even spending a hefty sum to meet with a highly recommended naturopathic doctor to get his recommendations.  Ultimately, I/we decided to do chemo, food changes and some specific supplements that wouldn't break our bank.  I had lumps rapidly spreading up my neck, too close to my brain for comfort, and I felt I needed to start chemo immediately because I knew that was my best chance to take care of what was in my neck quickly.  And I was right!  Within the first 3 treatments, I could tell that the lumps in my neck were shrinking.  By the 9th treatment they were totally gone.

I didn't realize until last night that my friend has been stewing over my chemo for a long time (since the first drop went into the IV), and my not considering the one thing she says will cure it.  I did look into it.  I looked at why some say cancer can be cured, and I looked at the other side as well-why more debunk it.  Armed with that and other information I had gathered, I/we made the decision to do chemo, food changes and specific supplements.

She said some pretty hurtful things in last nights message to me, things that shocked me since I had no idea she was thinking any of it.  "I've given up, sitting around waiting to die, a mess of anxiety and depression, my pity party," blah ... blah ... blah.  On and on she went, about how I need to embrace this one thing that will cure my cancer.  Needless to say, it wasn't a very motivating or uplifting message.

Friends, when you know someone who is going through hard things, be sensitive.  It's not about what YOU want for them or how you think you can fix it.  It's about how YOU can support and love them in difficult circumstances.  That's what friends do, right?!  I may have lost this friend forever because she feels so strongly about how I should be handling my cancer.  I guess that's the risk I have to take, because it's not her job to fix my cancer.  It's between me, Mat and God.  Enough said.

Side Effects

My back-neck-arms have been really itchy since about Sunday.  Last night hives popped out over much of my back.  It doesn't really bug me unless I'm sitting still, not doing much.  At night, it makes me crazy!  I called my nurse, Kathy, today who thinks it's an allergic reaction to the Perjeta.  I just looked at my paperwork from the hospital, and the same side effects are listed on Herceptin too.  The weird thing is that it's been 13 days since Perjeta, and it hasn't happened with any other infusion.  So, who knows?!  I hope it clears up and goes away soon.  Those are the two drugs I'm supposed to continue after I get through my 18th chemo.  The plan may need to change if it comes with a rash and itching.

I actually made dinner tonight!  A real dinner, and it tastes good!  My neighbor shared her recipe for Pad Thai with me.  She made it for us once and I loved it so much!  I could taste it, it tasted like Pad Thai should taste.  I'm not referring to her cooking, but my taste buds.  :)  It's hard for a foodie like me to have everything I eat taste weird.

I texted Marie last night to see if she could go somewhere to get chocolate with me.  She's a cancer buddy from the first time around.   It was a rough day/night, and I just needed to get out and forget about it.  Last night was bad, but tonight was good!  We went to Kneaders.  In her head, we were meeting at Kneaders.  In my head, for no particular reason because it hadn't been mentioned at all, she was coming to get me.  So when she texted to tell me she was there, but I couldn't see her car anywhere, there was a bit of confusion!  After some good laughs, I got in my car and went to Kneaders.  We were there for 2 hours, talking and laughing and venting about various things.  And when you're there at closing, they give you free things!  I'm so grateful she had some time tonight and we could do that.  I need to get out of the house and feel normal.  Thanks Marie!

The roller coaster that is my life ...

This has been a really weird week.  I never got nauseated, and the other typical side effects haven't really been a problem either.  Did they gave me a smaller dose and not tell me?  Fatigue is always a problem.  All I've wanted to do is curl up in my soft blankets and sleep.  It's cold outside, I don't want to go out unless I have to.  There's things I want to do, but not enough to get cold.

Bonnie came on Monday and gave me an AromaTouch massage, yesterday I went for a foot zone with Charity.  I don't know what she does, but dislodging toxins makes me sleepy!  I'm so grateful for them and their willingness to do that for me!  It means I see someone and can talk and vent and connect.  It means more than I can express!

Remember just a few days ago when I was feeling so optimistic and philosophical about all of this?  I've been a mess today.  Once a month there is a support group for stage 4 breast cancer patients up at Huntsman.  I knew I wanted to go as soon as I heard about it, but felt so much anxiety today about going.  You never know who's going to be there, and what hard things they're dealing with, and contemplating that those hard things are likely in my future.  I went in the bathroom to try to pull myself together before I went in--it did no good!  I was emotional every time I opened my mouth.  I was impressed with how matter-of-fact they all were.  Every one of them is carrying a heavy burden.  Every one of them wants what I want.  To do the best we can with what we've been given because that is the only option there is.  There was an optimistic and supportive feeling in the room and I left feeling better than when I walked in.  When I got home, I climbed into my cozy bed and cried out the emotion of the day.

My last chemo will be Feb. 9th.  The one I missed because we were in Florida got tacked onto the end.  I will have a CT scan after that to see what's changed, a then new treatment plan will be implemented.  I'm guessing based on what I've heard others say that I will go in every three weeks for an infusion of Herceptin and maybe Perjeta. They have their side effects too, but every three weeks vs. weekly treatments make it sound doable!

Doing Good!

It hasn't seemed like there was much to say after Florida, how can I top that?!  We got home from the airport about 10:30 p.m. and by 8:00 the next morning I was headed to Huntsman for chemo.  How's that for a reality check?  My friend Sarah came with me.  I've known her since our junior year at Davis High, basically forever.  She's the only person from high school I still have any connection with!  :)  She's a great friend and I'm grateful she'd take a day from her vacation (she's a teacher) to come with me.  I brought one of the new perfectly soft blankets with me and fell right to sleep in my recliner.  I haven't done that to anyone during chemo yet, I guess I was hammered by travel.  She forgave me.  After I woke up, we watched one of my favorite movies, "Dan In Real Life".  If you haven't seen it, you should!

It's been a slow week, I haven't done a heck of a lot.  I did get my monthly magical massage on Wednesday.  Thank you Diane!  On Thursday I went to lunch with two of my favorite people, Gidget and Sharla.  We went to a Thai place in Layton ... some of my favorite food from this planet of ours.

Yesterday was a "small" chemo day, my friend Cari came with me.  She is one of the kindest and wisest people I know.  We can talk about anything, she always lifts me and helps me work through stuff.  She's been very instrumental in helping me come to grips with my cancer, to accept it and allow God to mold me and my family into what He wants us to be.  I don't know what the future holds, but I'm learning to accept however this all plays out, how important it is to make the most of everyday, to reach out in love to those around us, and to be happy, even when, especially when, I have no hair.  (Now, if someone could kindly remind me that I've said these words the next time I'm down and discouraged, I'd appreciate it!)  I've been terrible about making sure I'm taking pictures, you'll just have to trust me when I say I'm grateful to be surrounded by such AMAZING people!  I have the greatest friends in the world!

We had time this afternoon to go to the temple and do baptisms with the kids, which was wonderful!  Brooklyn brought a friend who was going for the first time.  It was so fun to watch and hear her coach her friend on what to expect and what to do!  Way to go, B!  And Isaac was able to do the actual baptizing for the first time today!  I loved watching him in the font performing the baptisms for 30+ people, who were our own family names.  My rock star Mat was there too, despite having so much to do today.  He's picked up some of my slack with making sure chores get done, making sure we actually have food in the house by Saturday night.  He's my lifesaver and I love him more than anything.