Just for the Vent of It

I feel extreme gratitude for the people that have come to help me!  Geri called and got a grocery shopping list and took care of that for me.  Bonnie came and did AromaTouch.  I always smell so good after getting all those essential oils rubbed on my back!  My visiting teachers planned a game night for me and the other sister they visit.  We played three games I'd never played, including Yahtzee.  True, I've never played Yahtzee!  Hasn't it been around forever?!  I liked all the games we played, the snacks we had, and friendships we nurtured.

I try to go to the temple every week, because I have the time, and me and my family really need the blessings!  Everyone has situations in family life that cause a great deal of concern, I'm no different.  I sat for a long time in the celestial room, pondering and praying about the things that have happened during the last week.

I thought about my friend that I mentioned last week.  I thought about how unjust/unfair it was to say all those rotten things to me.  But then it occurred to me that she was only willing to be my friend if I would do what she wanted me to do.  There's no doubt now that we'll never be friends again, she's made that quite clear.  That's OK.  I feel bad for our kids, though.  They played together almost every day, but not in the last week.

There's one other thing thats been weighing heavily on me lately.  Like I said last week, there are so many theories and diets and supplements out there, all promising to cure cancer.  It gets really overwhelming!  You look things up on the internet, but there's no way to know what's really true.  After I got through treatment the first time, I crashed emotionally.  It's like Cancer PTSD!  I didn't understand why I, when I was in the best shape of my life, and had always been pretty careful about food, would get cancer!  I was doing all the right things!  So, I started reading.  The first book I read post-cancer last time is called "The Cancer Survivor's Guide: Foods That Help You Fight Back."  It was my first real introduction to why eating a vegan diet can be beneficial.  I believed then and believe now everything I read in that book-it's common sense.  I've collected a lot of really great vegan recipes over the years.

My cancer fight this time is, literally, life and death.  I have this hate/hate relationship with food because I know what I know about it.  It kinda makes me mad that I feel like I can't just eat "normal" food, the way everyone else does.  It makes me wonder why EVERYONE in America doesn't have cancer!  I feel so conflicted when I eat something that isn't strict vegan.  Maybe the occasional indulgence will make a difference in my long term survival?  Am I making a choice about living or dying every time I open my mouth?!  That's a lot of pressure, but that's the message on so many websites.  Maybe I'm feeling a little guilty for having Mat thrust into an unimaginable situation, having to face the possibility of navigating family life without me.  I can't stand it.  I think I'll eat some (vegan) chocolate.