Quick Update

 Just a quick update. I think I told y'all about picking out our rock at the headstone place. Today we dropped off the art work? I don't know if that's the right word. So, I'll include the pictures here! Keep in mind these are our best effort to lay out what we want. The guy there will do up an initial, almost final, rendition for us to approve. Then they'll get started! I'm not sure that CS Lewis quote is the one I told Mat to use?

I've figured out in the last week that Ritalin was making me crazy anxious. The NP last week recommended I cut those pills in half. I cut them out completely and feel fantastic! They made me feel anxious and unsettled, like when I had the cardiac arrest last year and my racing heart. Oh, if I had known this months ago!!! I can't believe how different I feel today, I took them out of my regimen 4 days ago. Feeling "Great" at the moment!

Here’s our rough draft and stone. It’s GORGEOUS!!!

Radio Silence or Crying

OK, I haven't updated in a while. It's easier to say nothing than to start crying.

I'll try to remember some highlights. On a good day last week, Mat and I stopped at Bountiful Monument to pick out a rock. I tend to lean towards the greens, found a beautiful specimen in the color Emerald Green. I've been looking for ideas online for the head stone design, and found one I really like except the cost for the rock and someone else's copyrighted design was 20 grand. So we'll still get a very expensive, beautiful rock from India (or somewhere). I asked my uber-talented, artistic sister, to design it. I asked for "similar" but not too similar. All of this has me wondering if I should just go find a nice rock in the desert somewhere (but emerald green!).

We did indeed get a visit from Elder Gong, which Brooklyn wrapped up nicely. I will just add a few thoughts. Kind, generous, charitable men don't come around everyday - nor would I want that because I married one! But Elder Gong epitomized everything he talked about in his conference talk on Ministering. I think in general he's pretty soft spoken, but he was very clear when he told our girls right off the bat that "this is NOT your fault!, then got eye contact with the other daughter and repeated it. He wanted to make very clear that they didn't do anything wrong to bring this on, and neither did Mom or Dad.

He said a loving Heavenly Father would never give HIS child some hard thing as a punishment for choices or mistakes made on earth. He talked about the bigger picture, how everyone will struggle with trials that seem too big to bear, but that's how we learn to rely on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to get us through the hard stuff. That's the Atonement. Christ was sent to carry our burdens and lighten our loads and atone for our sins. THAT's what it's all about. (Mosiah 24:14-16 - insert your name in there as you read it - pretty powerful when you personalize it to you and your life). My other favorite is Alma 7:11-13. The purpose of Christs life, to take away infirmities, temptations etc. so as to fulfill the purpose of the atonement ... at the end of verse 13 is where it talks of blotting out the sins of the people. It's all great stuff that bring peace of mind and clarity when your brains work like that.

I'm stuck in the vicious cycle where mouth sores and taste distortion make it hard to eat and drink. When I can't eat or drink, I can't make enough poop to push it through, it backs up into my stomach making me really nauseous and then I vomit. Then the cycle starts again tomorrow. I know it sounds like something you would all love to try, a real cake walk, let me tell you!
More to come soon.

Tonight we hosted our neighborhood Snack-n-Stroll. Fun, but people don't know how to talk to me and I don't want to be a bummer. This week I'm meeting with the SOS team (Supportive Oncology and Survivorship). Someone is coming tomorrow to help me in the backyard that has been completely ignored this whole summer. I'm shaving my head again tomorrow. I can pull it out by the root and not feel anything but a little resistance. 

 A couple weeks ago, Pres. Farnes called to ask if he and Elder Gong could come on a short visit yesterday. He was here for the youth event yesterday and wanted to visit a few families before the event. (I’ll finish tomorrow!)

Brooklyns notes: Elder Gong

Be in the moment - we can only take it one day at a time

Bad things don’t happen because you did anything wrong or God is mad at you

We have light and love in our family

There is always hope — everything really will be ok in the end

We should sing together. Nothing has more power to unite than music

Don’t take everything so seriously, it’s ok to have fun

God loves us a lot

Family is very important

We have support

Said prayer and gave hugs

Exit Plan

Why did I wait until 1 am to look at my tumor marker from today. Because I had a hunch it’s going the wrong direction. It’s a cussing sort of result, but I’m not going to do that tonight.

My marker went up over 400 points, from 355 to 765. In 5 weeks time, I’ve never heard of that happening to any one, that kind of a jump. I’m speechless. I mean I don’t even know how to respond. Except to bawl my eyes out and accept that I’ve known for a long time this was coming.

I had my first Taxol today, so technically I’m still riding the Doxil drug from a month ago, when the tumor marker was 355. I’m going to reach out to my doctor and see what other drug/s might be added to treat this like the emergency it feels like. I know she has seen the result by now, so hopefully her wheels are already turning.

Let me explain my exit. There won’t be a formal funeral. I’ll go on hospice sooner than I ever thought, and with best friends and a handful of family around, I’ll make my exit. In a matter of 2 hours, my body needs to be back to Huntsman for an autopsy, where the right people will be summoned to remove my cancer from wherever, then set it up so they can harvest samples. They’ll close me back up, mortuary will pick up and do the cremation. So, no viewing or formal service. I know already what people are thinking, Kim. “The funeral isn’t for you, Kim. It’s for the family’s closure.” They will get their closure during the dying process and before I’m taken away to Huntsman’s breast cancer labs brilliant researchers. If there’s a chance I could do something hard (donate my cancer so my girls have a better chance later), it’s worth every sacrifice and doing things differently that makes it all worth it!

What I’d like to say about a ceremony of life celebration. I have a great thing planned, but all depends on timing, how fast I go, etc. So there’s a flexibility there. Don’t know for sure when any of that will happen. The idea is that we would open our home for about a month, or two weeks before and invite basically everyone on the blog + a few others to come for a visit, so you can “see” me and not “view” me. I’d much rather be “seen” (even if I look awful) than “viewed!” What I would love is that everyone write a few words about funny times we’ve had, BE Specific. Let’s create a binder full of hilarious things that my family can enjoy later.

Then later there will be a graveside service arranged by Mat. That’s all I know about his part.

I’m really tired so I should go before I mix up too many more things. And I’ll brainstorm some more tomorrow? 

Pac Man

 I convinced myself early on that if I had to go early, cancer was a good way to do it. I could plan and prepare, you know! Intentionally accomplish some things that were neglected. My world was turned upside down in January when everything turned upside down, chemo wasn't working, tumor markers kept rising. While I feel "yucky" most of the time, I've felt the worst I ever have emotionally. The battles that rage in my head everyday are unlike anything I've ever dealt with. Our neighbor across the street asked me if there was anything they could do. I said "nothing". What do I say? What do I need?! I guess I could say weeding or mowing my lawn. Mat really can't do everthing. Though he tries.

I start infusions of an old chemo friend on Friday. Taxol will be my friend 3 weeks on, one week off. This will be my third time on Taxol. I hope it's nice to me, I hope I can handle the side effects, I hope mouth sores aren't involved ... and I pray I can buy some time. Will you all visualize a Pac Man type scenario in your head and watch those tumors disappear. (Pac Man was the last video game I played -- I'm WAY behind the times. Love you all!

08/05/23

There is still a lot to accomplish before I go! I'm contacting my doctor today to see if she can raise the dose on the Taxol or add another drug to go with it. We're good for a while, I think. But if sure felt good to get all that out last night!