Exit Plan

Why did I wait until 1 am to look at my tumor marker from today. Because I had a hunch it’s going the wrong direction. It’s a cussing sort of result, but I’m not going to do that tonight.

My marker went up over 400 points, from 355 to 765. In 5 weeks time, I’ve never heard of that happening to any one, that kind of a jump. I’m speechless. I mean I don’t even know how to respond. Except to bawl my eyes out and accept that I’ve known for a long time this was coming.

I had my first Taxol today, so technically I’m still riding the Doxil drug from a month ago, when the tumor marker was 355. I’m going to reach out to my doctor and see what other drug/s might be added to treat this like the emergency it feels like. I know she has seen the result by now, so hopefully her wheels are already turning.

Let me explain my exit. There won’t be a formal funeral. I’ll go on hospice sooner than I ever thought, and with best friends and a handful of family around, I’ll make my exit. In a matter of 2 hours, my body needs to be back to Huntsman for an autopsy, where the right people will be summoned to remove my cancer from wherever, then set it up so they can harvest samples. They’ll close me back up, mortuary will pick up and do the cremation. So, no viewing or formal service. I know already what people are thinking, Kim. “The funeral isn’t for you, Kim. It’s for the family’s closure.” They will get their closure during the dying process and before I’m taken away to Huntsman’s breast cancer labs brilliant researchers. If there’s a chance I could do something hard (donate my cancer so my girls have a better chance later), it’s worth every sacrifice and doing things differently that makes it all worth it!

What I’d like to say about a ceremony of life celebration. I have a great thing planned, but all depends on timing, how fast I go, etc. So there’s a flexibility there. Don’t know for sure when any of that will happen. The idea is that we would open our home for about a month, or two weeks before and invite basically everyone on the blog + a few others to come for a visit, so you can “see” me and not “view” me. I’d much rather be “seen” (even if I look awful) than “viewed!” What I would love is that everyone write a few words about funny times we’ve had, BE Specific. Let’s create a binder full of hilarious things that my family can enjoy later.

Then later there will be a graveside service arranged by Mat. That’s all I know about his part.

I’m really tired so I should go before I mix up too many more things. And I’ll brainstorm some more tomorrow?